Who leaves/stays and when?

[Silly_Girl]

I read somewhere that women are more likely to leave a relationship than men. I left 2 big relationships, in neither instance for anyone else. They weren't right, they weren't healthy for the people involved and were only going to get worse.

 

I thought about women I know personally who ended their relationship and thought that there was a relatively high occurence of women choosing to not 'settle' (from their viewpoint, not mine) and simply moving on, but as I ticked off the names nearly all had experienced some impact from infidelity; whether theirs or their partners.

 

In your experience there a general pattern in terms of:

 

- Which gender is more likely to leave a long-term relationship?

 

- Is one gender more likely than the other to leave 'for' someone else (regardless of whether that relationship lasts)?

 

Thanks for any feedback

[OWoman]

In your experience there a general pattern in terms of:

 

- Which gender is more likely to leave a long-term relationship?

 

- Is one gender more likely than the other to leave 'for' someone else (regardless of whether that relationship lasts)?

 

IME, there is no general pattern. It all depends on the individuals.

 

Many of my FFs have left long-term Rs which no longer worked for them. As have many of my MFs.

 

My father left his M to my mother "for" his OW once the kids were grown. My H left his M to his xW "for" me. Several friends have left their BSs for their APs, of both sexes.

 

I think it has more to do with life stage and opportunity than gender, IMO.

[fooled once]

I read somewhere that women are more likely to leave a relationship than men. I left 2 big relationships, in neither instance for anyone else. They weren't right, they weren't healthy for the people involved and were only going to get worse.

 

I thought about women I know personally who ended their relationship and thought that there was a relatively high occurence of women choosing to not 'settle' (from their viewpoint, not mine) and simply moving on, but as I ticked off the names nearly all had experienced some impact from infidelity; whether theirs or their partners.

 

In your experience there a general pattern in terms of:

 

- Which gender is more likely to leave a long-term relationship?

 

- Is one gender more likely than the other to leave 'for' someone else (regardless of whether that relationship lasts)?

 

Thanks for any feedback

 

I have left in two of the 'biggest' relationships in my life. My first marriage and the Affair I was engaged in.

 

In neither case did I leave for someone else. I left for me.

[jennie-jennie]

I left in the two long term relationships I have been in prior to my present one. I already had one foot out the door when I met my new love. Falling in love with someone new put the final nail in the coffin.

 

With my first long term relationship the new love did not immediately lead to a new relationship but it did lead to the end of the old one.

 

I believe there are statistics out there that state that women are more prone to divorce than men. Likely because women bring the kids with them in the case of a divorce, plus men have a stronger sense of duty and obligation. Perhaps men have more of a problem being alone as well.

[Silly_Girl]

... Perhaps men have more of a problem being alone as well.

 

Ah yes, my ex and I had mediation (initially) when we split, predominantly for finances, but our mediator quoted some stats about the length of time it takes the man to enter a new relationship, versus the woman, and the men were pretty quick off the mark!

[ADF]

We really don't have to speculate about the first question, because plenty of data exist that an provide answer: women leave relationships more often than men do. This is particularly true of marriages. About 75% of all divorce actions are intiated by women.

 

As for the second question, I don't think anyone really knows. Determining WHY someone left a relationship is less clear cut than determining that they did it. Add to that the fact that people who leave one person for another often lie about it. They say silly things like, "I need space," rather than tell the truth.

[Spark1111]

The newest cultural phenomenon being studied is women leaving marriages in record numbers. Seventy percent of all divorces are now being filed by women.

 

Of course, entry into the workplace and making our own money is cited as the reason: We no longer have to depend on a man to provide for us, so we have new options, and are becoming more demanding of the type of relationships we want with a SO.

 

And yes, a man alone, or newly divorced, is a pitiful being. His mortality rate increases 400%. He will seek to find a new partner quickly.

 

There is no corresponding mortality rate for newly divorced women.

 

Are we truly the stronger species? Emotionally, maybe so.

[Silly_Girl]

In terms of relationships, I tend to 'feel' very strongly, and not necessarily romantically, I am quite intuitive... Men seem to process thoughts on facts.

 

I was aware my marriage was over long before my ex-husband was. Afterwards, after the talks and the tears and the upset he saw it so clearly, could even pick out moments and events and things that he couldn't believe he'd missed. Even when I was trying desperately to patch things up (pre-split) and build some newer foundations, and was pointing things out to him, he still couldn't 'see'.

 

Women seem to move mentally/emotionally out of the relationship before the man has. I think some of that is because the woman needs to think practically about children/other issues, but the men often have that done for them... until the wife leaves.

[Spark1111]

Oh yes, we are the glue that binds, and we are also literally obsessed about having a better realtionship with our SO. It is like the air we breathe.

 

I read that we will nag and hound and complain to have our emotional and romantic needs met, but men only hear what they perceive they are doing wrong.

 

When we stop discussing the realtionship, men breathe a sigh of relief erroneously thinking that we must be happy now.

 

But it is the kiss of death. It means she has checked out emotionally for years before she walks away. So when she walks away, it is almost always permanent and nothing he can say or do at that point is going to get it back.

 

He feels completely blind-sided, but she's been falling out of love with him for a very, very long time.

 

Venus vrs. Mars, I suppose.

[TinaniT]

Men, who typically don't get physical custody, would have a harder time leaving marriages with kids involved, as a matter of logic. It sucks to lose your kids for even the amount of time a woman does in a divorce, can you imagine how much the men have to be without? You have to be very, very, very unhappy prior to that. (I would imagine!)

[Spark1111]

I mean think about it: How often do we hear our man say, "Honey, let's talk about out relationship. Are you happy with how I treat you?":rolleyes:

 

Ahahahahaha!:laugh:

[Spark1111]

Men, who typically don't get physical custody, would have a harder time leaving marriages with kids involved, as a matter of logic. It sucks to lose your kids for even the amount of time a woman does in a divorce, can you imagine how much the men have to be without? You have to be very, very, very unhappy prior to that. (I would imagine!)

 

Well, that is true in thought. Mother's almost ALWAYS get custody.

 

However, in reality with joint child custody laws, many father's actually spend more time with their children and have to be fully responsible (cook meals, do laundry, drive to drs. appts., sporting events, etc.) because the law forces them to.

 

Those weekends and holidays when they have sole custody, a father now has to fulfill all duties. Many men actually grow closer to their children following divorce.

 

But I can see how they would think it would result in less time, when actually it can result in more quality time because Daddy is alone and forced to meet all their needs when he has them.

[OWoman]

I mean think about it: How often do we hear our man say, "Honey, let's talk about out relationship. Are you happy with how I treat you?":rolleyes:

 

My xH used to do that ALL THE TIME! :rolleyes: It was one of the reasons I couldn't escape fast enough - all that endless agonising and dissecting and analysis! Some of us would rather LIVE than talk about "life"...

 

My H is also more of a R-talker than I am. I don't need the constant reassurance of hearing someone say how wonderful they think everything is, or analysing the minutiae of every interaction to bolster my security levels. That kind of "Sex & the City" stuff is just so teenage, IMO, but I accept that for my H, having escaped an abusive situation, there are areas where he does feel the need to check up that everything is fine, in case another blow is headed his way...

[piscis]

I made a research abou that not long ago and I read that women tend to make the decision of ending or not a relationship, men are more likely just to accept it

[Mimolicious]

I left few previous R.

He left our M.

The R after my M- I left.

[MorningCoffee]

Not sure how this fits, but I read recently that men tend to see their divorcing as a failure at something important, while women tend to see their divorcing as liberating.

 

IOW, the way this sounds to me is, many men are negatively reinforced not to leave, to avoiding his failure, while many women are positively reinforced to leave , to improve her personal situation).

[pureinheart]

I left in the two long term relationships I have been in prior to my present one. I already had one foot out the door when I met my new love. Falling in love with someone new put the final nail in the coffin.

 

With my first long term relationship the new love did not immediately lead to a new relationship but it did lead to the end of the old one.

 

I believe there are statistics out there that state that women are more prone to divorce than men. Likely because women bring the kids with them in the case of a divorce, plus men have a stronger sense of duty and obligation. Perhaps men have more of a problem being alone as well.

 

 

This was my MO also.

 

Some may say this is wrong, that one needs time to recover, and this may be true, although while "in the R" I did my recovering. I didnot see a need to "recover".

 

I like to be in close R's, it's not normal for me not to be in one. I choose to hold back now because after everything I do need some "me" time to regroup, regain my bearings.

[pureinheart]

Not sure how this fits, but I read recently that men tend to see their divorcing as a failure at something important, while women tend to see their divorcing as liberating.

 

IOW, the way this sounds to me is, many men are negatively reinforced not to leave, to avoiding his failure, while many women are positively reinforced to leave , to improve her personal situation).

 

I agree with this as I saw the men very depressed concerning D and basically let themselves go to a degree, while women were loosing weight and actually looking and feeling better.

 

This is a good thread topic MC:)

[Hazyhead]

Until the A, I had always been the one to leave. Sometimes too hastily.

 

I think that after decades/centuries of women depending on men, because they had to, we now see feminine strength and independence like never before. As you mentioned, women are now far more financially independent. I think men cling to those with whom comfort lies and are less likely to make a break for independence. Who would iron their shirts then? I also think that men are less emotionally fine-tuned, hence often not realising how much they loved their wife until the dread of dday. They take for granted what they are not confronted with - the relationship convos, etc

 

IMO

[MizFit]

Until the A, I had always been the one to leave. Sometimes too hastily.

 

I think that after decades/centuries of women depending on men, because they had to, we now see feminine strength and independence like never before. As you mentioned, women are now far more financially independent. I think men cling to those with whom comfort lies and are less likely to make a break for independence. Who would iron their shirts then? I also think that men are less emotionally fine-tuned, hence often not realising how much they loved their wife until the dread of dday. They take for granted what they are not confronted with - the relationship convos, etc

 

IMO

 

I like that...I was talking to someone about WS and how they can carry on what they're doing, even after a Dday. She said it was like someone who shoplifts...until you're caught and face the music you're not going to change your ways. You may not give up a life of petty crime, but you get a short sharp shock and a pretty big turnaround is probably going to happen.

[GreenEyedLady]

I don't see the correlation between who actually leaves and who actually "wanted" the divorce as evidenced by filing.

 

I left my first M. I had just started working again and didn't have the money to retain an attorney at the time. I told my XH I was filing and would do so when I received my financial aid check. Guess what he did? He filed first and had me served at my new job. He did not want the D but he one-up'd me by filing first. There is benefit in filing first.

 

My H now also was the one to leave, but he let her do the initial filing. IME, the leaving partner is not the one who actually files initially. It's the left partner who files.

 

GEL

[Silly_Girl]

I don't see the correlation between who actually leaves and who actually "wanted" the divorce as evidenced by filing.

 

GEL

 

Agree entirely. I did the paperwork myself for my divorce because he couldn't be bothered. It was no reflection on the dynamic of our split. It was however - it's just occurred to me - a good reflection on the dynamic of our relationship!!!

[Gfkr2]

I left in the two long term relationships I have been in prior to my present one. I already had one foot out the door when I met my new love. Falling in love with someone new put the final nail in the coffin.

 

With my first long term relationship the new love did not immediately lead to a new relationship but it did lead to the end of the old one.

 

I believe there are statistics out there that state that women are more prone to divorce than men. Likely because women bring the kids with them in the case of a divorce, plus men have a stronger sense of duty and obligation. Perhaps men have more of a problem being alone as well.

 

Many men are stuck in the alimony trap in the era of the no fault divorce. I have what my State calls a long term M= lifetime alimony to the cheating $lut.