Looking for Insight and Unbiased Perspectives on this LONG story of my LDR.

[blue_velvet]

This is going to be the longest post of all time. I apologize. I feel better having written it, even if no one reads it.

I am posting this here because I don't particularly have many people I'd like to talk to about this and, even if I did, I feel that they'd have a biased perspective on the situation. Essentially, I'd like to explain EVERYTHING and hear some different perspectives on what wrong. This is going to be long, but I feel like I need to include all of the details to get an informed, objective opinion.

 

I'm 24. My girlfriend recently decided to end our "relationship", which was long distance the entire time (about 5 months). We had originally started talking via a mutual friend online and immediately had an instant connection. We both have some pretty strange and obscure tastes (in movies, literature, music etc.) and odd world views and, remarkably, tended to agree on everything. We started talking everyday, and ultimately, our days revolved around each other. We'd talk (via IM, phone, video chat) etc. for, on average, something like 10 hours a day. It was absolutely incredible. It may sound corny, but we'd make videos, write songs, letters etc. for the other and were completely infatuated. We'd get strange obscure references no one else would get. It was perfect. If I were to construct a girl from a machine (weird science style) she would be it. My absolute ideal girl in every way imaginable.

 

So, about a month and a half into it, she came to me. She stayed for about five days and, it was perfect. The best five days of my life. We were intimate, and the connection carried over flawlessly into real life. We both agreed that we were in love. We both had been in standard long term relationships, and both also agreed that this was infinitely more intense and reminiscent of "love" than anything we had felt before. Five blissful days, and she left.

 

We continued for about another month without change: basking in our times together, 10 hour days of discourse, video chatting etc.. She has a huge posse of friends, she'd tell them all about me, I'd facebook friend them and we'd become friends etc. Everything was still perfect. Then, (a month after she came) I came to her for about 12 days. This is where things became a little different. At first, everything was fine. There were times when I thought she was being distant or acting strangely, but then other times were reminiscent of our first gathering. At times, she seemed agitated and sort of distracted - interrupting conversations to text...Just basically giving me the impression often that my being there was an inconvenience and that she had more important things to do. However, she'd introduce me to people as her boyfriend, said that she loved me etc. So, it was time for me to leave, and the goodbye was sort of "meh", and I felt very insecure about where we stood and how she felt, though she would say she felt the same way and say that nothing was wrong.

 

This is where I'm going to take a moment to explain her situation. About 3-4 months before we talked, she had ended a 2 year relationship and, before that, ended another 2 year relationship. When we started talking, she had said that she was not looking for a relationship. She felt that her previous commitments had inhibited her from exploring herself and her independence. That they ended up in jealously. She felt like she was being looked after. After they ended, she said that she promised herself she was going to stay single, because she didn't want to feel trapped and wanted to keep her options open. After we really started getting intimate (physically), and saying we loved each other, she would say she was confused, because she didn't expect to feel this way about anyone, and thus didn't know what to do .

 

So, during this period of about 1 1/2 months after I visited her, I would ask her calmly exactly where we stood, what we had going on etc., because, at this point, I'm madly in love with her and want to be with her. She would tell me things like "of course I consider you my boyfriend, but I don't know if I want to be with you for sure", or "I love you, but I'm not sure if I want a relationship with you, because I don't want to be responsible for anyone else's feelings and just want to keep my options open". Of course, I have no idea what this means. From my perspective, we had love, intimacy, friendship, happiness (and she said she agreed with this) and we were bf/gf, yet we were NOT in a relationship? I asked her if this meant that it was ok to see other people, and she would say "i'm not seeing anyone else and am not interested in seeing anyone else, but don't want to completely discount the possibility of connecting with someone and not have the option of exploring it". And, of course, this drove me crazy. I viewed it as "I love you, but don't want to be with you just in case someone better comes around". And so, admittedly, the fact that we really had no formal agreement on commitment always lingered in the back of my head, and I was paranoid. When she would go out with friends to bars and such, I'd wonder what she was doing, and think about if the things she told me added up etc. (and sometimes they didn't...excuses as to why she couldn't talk etc.)... I was paranoid, but not TO her - just to myself. Things were still going well, though, for the most part. She still seemed a tad distant, but we continued talking every day for 8 hours or so, she'd say she loved me etc.

 

So that goes on for 1 1/2 months or so, and then she visits me again for her birthday. I buy her gifts, make her dinner, and wrote her a letter/essay explicating how much I love her and how perfect she is. However, she has a terrible drive and we meet on bad terms. I give her all of the stuff, and she's not very receptive. I was sort of disappointed, but knew she was in a bad mood. She said she could only stay for a few days, then had to get back. I asked her why she couldn't stay, and she said she just had to get back. At this point, she's being very distant. She seems like she doesn't want to be there. I question her about her feelings, and she won't tell me anything. I tell her that I know something is wrong, and there's something she's not telling me, but she gets mad and begins to insist that I'm paranoid and insecure. And, at this point, I am: she's acting like she has an aversion toward me and won't talk to me about it. She's texting people and just acting awkward, and I could tell something was wrong. However, we continue to be intimate (I use that word for sex, if you haven't gotten it) and she's still really into it - and continues to say she loves me. So, I'm dumbfounded.

 

This is where things go awry. She leaves her phone unattended for a moment and gets a text. Reluctantly, I grab it to see who it is. It's from a guy, saying he'll be dreaming of her, hearts and such. I get really curious and click on it to reveal a long string of conversations. It turns out that she's going to visit him after she leaves my place (oddly, he lived about the same distance from her as I do, so I guess it was convenient to just stop in while in the area - though it was still a 4 hour drive.) This is a guy she had met before when traveling in the area. The messages were very romantically suggestive "only 20 more hours", "one day won't be enough" - "an hour with you would be enough", "things were better when we were naked" and several other things. I also find out that he visited her about a month previously, not that long after I left from visiting her. Thus, during this time, she was dishonest with me about what she was doing, who she was with etc. I was extremely hurt and felt very deceived, and started thinking about how many other times she had lied to me. However, I didn't confront her. I wanted her to tell me the truth, but also wanted to see how far she'd take the deception. So, I'd ask her again why she couldn't stay, and would tell her I really wanted her to. She'd say she had to get back and she wanted to be home. I'd say "there's nothing you want to tell me"? She'd say "no! I don't know what you're thinking", then would try to make me sound stupid and paranoid for thinking something was going on.

 

She leaves, and we're both sad. I'm devastated because of the deception and feeling betrayed, and she's sad because I'm acting sad and odd, but won't tell her why. She tells me she loves me when she leaves, then texts me shortly after leaving, asking what's wrong. I tell her we can talk about it when she gets home. A bit later, I text her to ask her if she passed a city that she shouldn't be passing if she's really going home. I'm assuming she caught on, and then tells me where she's going (to his house, but he's just a friend). I thank her for finally telling me the truth, then she says "not sure why it matters". I tell her it matters because she lied to me and deceived me. She says that she never lied to me and didn't do anything wrong. I wasn't expecting this reaction. I thought it was self evident that lying to someone you claim to love about something like this was wrong. I didn't tell her about the messages I'd seen and just left it at that.

 

She contacts me later that night, sort of as if nothing is wrong. Then I confront her, telling her I know that he's more than a friend. She insists he's not. I tell her about the romantic messages - she claims that he's just really sweet and good with words, sort of like a bard. I'm beside myself. I ask her about him visiting her and her lying about it. She said she didn't lie to me, she just didn't tell me because she knew I'd react jealously and would be paranoid. So, finally, I mention the reference about them being naked together. She said that they slept naked together, but it was innocent - that they'd have situations, write about them, then share them. I couldn't believe it. I tell her that she must think I'm stupid if she expects me to believe that they slept naked together and nothing happened (sleeping naked together IS something happening, isn't it?!). She said they kissed once, and that was all. I don't know what to believe. She swears to me on everything that I was the only one she'd been with since we started talking. Still, I don't know what to believe. At the least, though, I know that sleeping naked together is an extremely intimate thing, and it made me sick. I was angry, sad, confused etc.; however, she continued to defend herself, saying that she did nothing wrong. I asked her what else she wasn't telling me, what else she had lied to me about, and if there were other people she had made out with, or done stuff with that she was keeping from me. She got mad and said I was being disrespectful. I told her that there's no way that she could turn it around and make me the bad guy, and that she refuses to take any blame for ever doing anything wrong.

 

She gets home the following day and we talk more. On the one hand, I was extremely hurt; however, I was still completely in love with her and I still wanted to be with her. I knew that she had lied to me and I questioned her feelings toward me if she would do what she did. But, I also knew that, technically, we weren't in a committed relationship (or at least, she never guaranteed that). I wanted her to be with me so badly, but I didn't know if I could take being the bf who sits around, madly in love with a girl (who still claims to love me) knowing fully well that she's talking romantically with someone else, or is keeping that option open. I was very distraught and very confused. I wanted to be with her forever and thought she was perfect (still). She would still reciprocate feelings, alluding to the fact that she'd married me if I asked her and loved me greatly. She told me that she didn't like the previous guy as much as she thought and that he didn't mean anything to her. So, ultimately, things stayed much the same after I told her that I understand that she may want to keep her options open, but that if there's someone else, or she meets someone, then she HAS to tell me and cannot keep things from me, because I deserve to know, and she agreed.

 

However, it became more difficult than I thought. After this, I never really trusted her and thought, at times, that she was still not telling me the truth about things. From my perspective, I still kept my insecurities mostly to myself for about a month. Then, I started to get more paranoid and jealous. She invited a guy over to watch a movie - the two of them, and I was jealous. I tried to not let it bother me, but it did, a lot. I said things like "you don't like him, do you? :(", and, of course, she became annoyed. I said that if I had a girl over to watch movies, it would bother her too, (not even considering that I had done nothing to break her trust), and she agreed it would bother her. Nonetheless, she was irritated. A few days went by. She went to the bar with friends. She told me about it later: she said that her friends were telling her she was getting the stare down by three different people "the untouchables: the guys everyone wants but can't have", and all of her friends' male friends were asking for "their hot friends number" (her number). I was jealous, and paranoid, but not overtly. A few days later, we were talking one night and she said she was going to the bar with her friends again, but that she'd be back to talk later - I said ok. Many hours went by, I would text her, and ask how she was. She wouldn't respond. I waited a while. I sent another telling her about the movie I was watching. No response. It got to be about 4 am (we always are up late), and still no contact. Previously, we had contact basically every night for the last 5 months, saying good night, saying I love you, etc. I sent her a final string of texts saying something like "what's going on? . Argh. I wish this wasn't happening. I guess this means you're not going to talk to me later". The next day she responds and says she got drunk and went to bed. I thought something was going on, or had went on and I briefly alluded to the fact that I thought she wasn't telling me something. She was getting annoyed, so I ceased. About five days later, the same thing happened. She said she was going to the bar with friends, and that she'd be back to talk: "no worries baby". I said "this sounds familiar :p". Sure enough, hours go by, I ask her how she's doing, and get no response. It's 4 am, I'm stressing and am anxious. I say "deja vu. I don't know why this is happening. It's not that difficult to just say hello, or good night, and this just happened the other night, and it bothered me".

 

I slept terribly, and was worried, and get a response the following afternoon, mostly ignoring the other text I sent. I'm sort of angry and still suspicious that something is going on, so I have a slight accusatory tone in my texts. I say "anymore untouchables?". She asks me to stop being jealous. I say "I'm anxious. It takes you two seconds to send a text, and you text everyone all the time, yet you ignore my texts. is it hard to say hello, or good night? she responds defensively saying that I need to stop being accusatory - that she's free to do what she wants and that she isn't going to stop everything she's doing just so she can't talk to me. I say "I know you're free to do what you want, I'm not trying to control you. I just would hope that you would care enough about me to know that it bothers me when you say you're going to talk to me later, and you don't think it's important enough to take 10 seconds to respond to a text". She curses at me and tells me that she's not going to revolve her schedule around catering to me and that I'm being ridiculous. I say, "alright", and am still mad.

 

After this, everything changed. We talked the next day briefly, and I expressed my worries. She said I had to trust her, and I said that I know that; but that I don't even know what I'm trusting if she is telling me straight up that she may act on a temptation and isn't officially "with me". She says "I'm not good for you, you're always going to think badly of what I'm doing". Then I say "if we could just be together, then I could trust you completely". A few other things were said. The next day comes, and she doesn't get online (previously as I mentioned, we'd be online for at least 5+ hours a day). I text her a few times, and she acts like she doesn't know me. She's brief and doesn't respond to how she's feeling except to say that she was really put off by my possessiveness. The day after, it's the same thing: not online, and she's very brief. We don't talk at all the following day.

 

I'm still in love with her, and start to think that everything is my fault. That I made stupid mistakes by being jealous and by questioning her actions. I write her an apology saying that I'm sorry she felt I was smothering her, and that I know that she is sensitive to it. She didn't really respond to the apology and refused to tell me what was going on, or how she was feeling. She would say things like "it's not you, I'm just really busy. I don't have time to be online all day right now. We'll talk later. Finally, after about a week and a half of brief contact, I tell her she has to start telling me what's going on because I feel like I'm being strung along. So, she basically says that she's not sure how she's feeling. That my behavior was going in a direction she had dealt with before, and that she felt differently about me, but that she wasn't sure that was permanent. I said ok. So, we would go a few days with NC, then talk briefly - I re-enforce the fact that she should tell me straight up what she's thinking instead of dragging it on, because I need to know. She said she wasn't sure. A week goes by and I say I need to talk with her again. I ask her where we stand. She says that she pulled back because it was getting too intense and that my expectations and attachments became too demanding. She says that she doesn't feel quite the same about me, primarily because of the bar incident, but also a few situations before it when I displayed jealous behavior. She then says that she 's "not interested in continuing that type of a relationship right now" and that she "just really needs to be totally single for a while" - then says that "I am not saying that I don't have intimate feelings for you -I am just saying that I don't think that giving into those feelings is good for us right now. I mention that I probably won't be able to talk to her for a while and she says that that would make her sad, that she thinks we can talk still, saying " its not like I am going to forget about what we have or whatever", and " we started talking in the first place because we have similar interests and are interesting to one another . I didn't realize that that was going to shut off if I couldn't see you while you're living hundreds of miles away especially".

 

That was about 8 days ago. A few days after, she contacted me (via IM) to say hello, make small talk etc. I caved in and talked with her. Two days later it happened again. It's been about 4 days now with no contact. I'm still totally in love her, and am feeling really regretful, thinking I messed up, even though I'm confident that I simply wasn't treated very well (or fairly) through a lot of this, and I should probably be angry. I want to be with her so badly, and still feel like I'm never going to find someone like her. I just keep wondering if we were close (proximity wise), if it would work...She's my favorite person of all time, and I don't want to lose her. Seeing her face makes me sick with regret (that I'll never be able to kiss her again).

 

Am I crazy? What would you do in the situation described? What was fair? What wasn't? Was I irrational? Was I unjustifiably jealous or possessive? Her friends take her side, obviously, saying I'm jealous and possessive. I see a huge double standard, and think she would have ended things in a second if I did to her what she did to me. I explain everything in detail because I really want informed perspectives from unbiased spectators. What are your views on this whole thing? I tried my best to be empathetic to her situation and her past, but she constantly said that I wasn't capable of actually knowing what she was going through with not wanting commitment. I never thought she understood my perspective and how hard it was to love someone so immensely, for her to have all of the elements of a relationship with me, but then NOT be in a relationship with me. I really tried to tell the whole truth here. I know I was jealous and accusatory at times. I looked at her phone - and I probably shouldn't have (even if I DID find something). These are not good things, and I'm not proud of them. But I am really not the type, honestly. I feel like the situation and her actions really just made me crazy.

 

End rant.

[Shakz]

I can't believe I read the whole thing!

 

All I have to say is don't read other people's private correspondence if you don't want to get your heart broken. I hate to break it to you, but you're not the only person in the world.

[blue_velvet]

I can't believe I read the whole thing!

 

All I have to say is don't read other people's private correspondence if you don't want to get your heart broken. I hate to break it to you, but you're not the only person in the world.

 

I can't believe you did either! I feel stupid posting it, honestly. I sort of hope no one else reads it.

 

So, in this case (and those like them) ignorance is bliss? It is better to play the naive fool than the heart broken truth seeker?

 

I'm not much of a Solipsist, so in fact I do acknowledge other peoples' existence in the world.

[Spiritofnow]

I also read all of your thread, which was in part due to how well written it is. You communicated your story well, and I think you obviously needed the opportunity to purge.

 

From what you have written it seems to me that your version of your 'perfect' girl was slightly flawed in that she was dishonest and then manipulated your feelings in order to transfer the onus of her behaviours onto you. From what you wrote she doesn't seem to be a very healthy influence and I would just try my best to grow from a situation like that and ask myself why I invited that kind of person into my life.

 

You seem like an intelligent young man, and I am sure you will choose to learn a positive lesson from this experience.

 

You have a right to feel hurt and betrayed, and I hope this thread has helped you lift some of the layers of that relationship and see it for what it is - not good or healthy for you.

 

Love can be and is a wonderful thing, and I would most definitely not accept the version of it you encountered as being authentic. Although, it obviously did seem to have some similarities...

 

You will either step forward into growth or step back into safety. - Abraham Maslow - the choice is yours : )

[Shakz]

Coulda fooled me.

 

If you really like this girl romance her, win her heart. That's what she likes about you, but you dropped the ball. Use your wit. Compete.

[Spiritofnow]

Coulda fooled me.

 

If you really like this girl romance her, win her heart. That's what she likes about you, but you dropped the ball. Use your wit. Compete.

 

There is no competing in love - it either is or isn't.

[Shakz]

There is no competing in love - it either is or isn't.

 

Really? You should get together with that person who said "trust cannot be earned, it's a gift." Match made in heaven.

[Spiritofnow]

Really? You should get together with that person who said "trust cannot be earned, it's a gift." Match made in heaven.

 

Ha ha ha ha ha, at least you are a humorous antagonist--there's a little bit of spirit in everyone.

Edited June 23, 2010 by Spiritofnow

[StarrySkyBlue]

I'm sorry you're going through this. You seem a very caring person. However, have you seen the movie 500 Days of Summer? That's exactly your situation. The girl doesn't want to commit. You do. She made it clear that she didn't want to be tied down and that she was open to the idea of dating other people. She does not want an exclusive relationship with you right now. If you can't live with that, you need to let her go, and I really think that you should let her go now before you get even more hurt. You did nothing wrong. Your needs weren't being met in this "relationship". Commitment isn't something she can give you at the moment.

[Shakz]

Ha ha ha ha ha, at least you are a humorous antagonist--there's a little bit of spirit in everyone.

 

Actually I don't really have an opinion on this person's predicament. I just felt that anyone who would take the time to write such a long post deserves a comment or two. But you're right, of course, and I must admit I had a little bit of the "spirits" in me when I responded.

[blue_velvet]

Thanks for the replies.

 

Writing this "auto-biography" did seem to have a somewhat cathartic effect, so I suppose that's good.

 

I'm aware that my labeling this girl as "perfect" is sort of self defeating, since I wouldn't be in this situation if she in fact was perfect. Nonetheless, I still can't help but view her as such - but I use the term perfect very loosely, obviously.

 

And I agree that she wasn't a healthy influence. During the first few months, I was in an absolutely omnipresent euphoric state (partially because of the mutual nature of the connection, and because of the reciprocation of her love) - the maximization of positive emotions. But this was sort of a curse, since I continually wanted to replicate this time, and couldn't - and that left me feeling unfulfilled.

 

The strange thing that always confused me were her contradictions. On the one hand, she'd say she didn't want unwavering commitment, but then would affirm that she would marry me, and that she wanted to have a child with me (and be with me forever). I pressed her about this many times and she WAS NOT joking. She just said she couldn't explain it. Regardless, it makes zero sense, but kept me optimistic that she would change her mind about wanting to be with me.

 

I guess what plagues me is thinking about what would happen (or would have happened) had we been (of if we did) have a non-LDR. I sort of have this fantasy in my head that I should keep in touch with her, focus on my own life, excel academically, better myself, then look for opportunities near her. Then, we'll reconnect and live happily ever after. Then I listen to myself and feel naive and stupid - almost laughable.

 

She really is the most funny, charming, beautiful person I've ever known and it's terrible thinking about giving up having her in my life. But, the consensus seems to be that I should avoid contact with her, displace or sublimate my negative emotionality and frustrations into something more productive, and let the chips fall where they may, so to speak. I suppose I'll do that.