First date - he didn't pay

[aerogurl87]

Yep.

 

When I was younger, I insisted upon equality: splitting the bill or taking turns paying.

 

But once I met a man who treated me like a queen every day and loved to do it, I woke up.

 

Agreed! Every woman I know wants to be treated like a queen whether she admits it or not. But hey, if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything. And that's where having standards for what you will and will not tolerate when it comes to dating, comes into play.

[TheBigQuestion]

As I've said many times before, being alive, breathing, and female does not entitle you to being treated by a (mostly) complete stranger the first time you're spending time with him in a meaningful setting.

[aerogurl87]

As I've said many times before, being alive, breathing, and female does not entitle you to being treated by a (mostly) complete stranger the first time you're spending time with him in a meaningful setting.

 

If it was his idea then she is entitled to it. And even if he didn't suggest it, he could've said no to going out to dinner and suggested something else, but he didn't.

[Confusedalways]

I still don't understand why people who are so inclined to not want to pay just don't go to the park or something. Done deal, swing on some swings, that's free.

 

I mean seriously- asking someone to pay? It's not making a good impression and a date is about making a good impression.

[SarahRose]

Of course it works. It works towards your advantage, not anyone else's.

 

I take it the OP is looking for a long term relationship leading to marriage and my advice is towards that.

 

If she is looking to be fwb, random hook up, booty call, doormat a guy uses for sex and money, then by all means she should follow the advice from the men on here as those types of situation are what they are looking for and 100% to the man's advantage.

[Woggle]

I don't think most men want to marry an entitled princess.

[SarahRose]

As I've said many times before, being alive, breathing, and female does not entitle you to being treated by a (mostly) complete stranger the first time you're spending time with him in a meaningful setting.

 

Hey maybe if things continue, he'll come over to the house for a 30 minute sex session and rush off leaving his dirty used condoms that she paid for on the floor for her to clean up.

[SarahRose]

I don't think most men want to marry an entitled princess.

 

A lot of them do.

 

So when you first started dating your wife did you pay for the first dates and try to make a good impression?

[TheBigQuestion]

I take it the OP is looking for a long term relationship leading to marriage and my advice is towards that.

 

If she is looking to be fwb, random hook up, booty call, doormat a guy uses for sex and money, then by all means she should follow the advice from the men on here as those types of situation are what they are looking for and 100% to the man's advantage.

 

Right, because paying on the first date guarantees all sorts of good things about the guy and indicates tons of compatibilities. It's not like it couldn't be irrelevant at all.

[Woggle]

A lot of them do.

 

So when you first started dating your wife did you pay for the first dates and try to make a good impression?

 

The ones that do are the ones that end up in divorce court because she had an affair and wants to find herself. Smart men marry women who live equality instead of using it when it is convienent.

 

Sometimes I payed and sometimes she did but she never pulled entitled princess act.

[Woggle]

I take it the OP is looking for a long term relationship leading to marriage and my advice is towards that.

 

If she is looking to be fwb, random hook up, booty call, doormat a guy uses for sex and money, then by all means she should follow the advice from the men on here as those types of situation are what they are looking for and 100% to the man's advantage.

 

I thought most women these days were into that kind of thing. It makes thems sexually liberated. Can't they make up their minds?

[SarahRose]

The ones that do are the ones that end up in divorce court because she had an affair and wants to find herself. Smart men marry women who live equality instead of using it when it is convienent.

 

Sometimes I payed and sometimes she did but she never pulled entitled princess act.

 

So you paid for the 1st date?

[Woggle]

So you paid for the 1st date?

 

Yes I did but we actually hung out for a few weeks before we went on an official date so I knew what she was about. My point is that women want to pick and choose when it comes to equality and independence and life does not work that way or at least it shouldn't.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

Good on him for making the date fair.

 

All of the "man should pay", "one opportunity to impress you" claims just smack of superiority and juvenile entitlement issues. Are you not equals?

 

Is your time more valuable than his? Are you doing him a favour by going out with him?

 

I kind of agree with this some women want their cake and to eat it to we want to be seen as such strong independent women.

 

Yet still let the guys step in to be "gentlemanly like" when it suits us like when the bill shows up.

 

I wouldn't go out with any one any were if I wasn't prepared/willing to pay for myself 100% I see nothing wrong with it.

[Viking]

Personally, I think it is OK that the guy pays for the first date. Especially if he asks the girl out and is trying to make a good impression. After a while, it is nice that the girl pays for some things, but for me personally, I continue to treat her to movies, dinner, lunch or even little gifts.

 

I took my GF out for lunch one afternoon and paid for it. The next day, we split the bill at dinner and she had bought lunch that day. The next, I paid for lunch again. On that Friday, I made dinner for her after work (seafood dinner). I like making dinner for my GF more than I like slapping down my card to pay for something someone else made. I think that shows more care than going to a restaurant.

 

We had a discussion about this whole buying gifts for each other. We both have jobs, but I don't have to pay (as much) for rent, school and groceries as she does, she feels bad because she can't pick gifts up for me like I do for her. I told her that to me, her time is more valuable than gifts.

 

That got a little off topic, but I feel that it is the guy's responsibility to make the woman feel valued and desired. On a first date, you can't really do that without paying for the evening. I've had dead end dates (boring as hell and non-compatible) and I've still paid. I'm just grateful that my GF is appreciative and lets me still treat her to movies and nights out.

[theBrokenMuse]

Anyone who would ask a man or a woman out on a first date and then have the gall to ask them to pony up for it afterward has no manners and is likely a cheapskate. It's absolutely no way to make a good impression on someone to do something that tacky. ick.

[Scottdmw]

I always pay on first dates.

 

That said, it never ceases to amaze me how quick people on this message board are to tell other people that the best and only solution to all relationship problems is immediate breakup. No second chances, no second thoughts, no communicating or working it out; as soon as someone makes a mistake you leave them. That doesn't seem to me like very good advice. It seems like it turns all of us into a bunch of hyper-critical perfectionists who can never be satisfied with a real human being that might make mistakes.

 

OP, I would say that if you generally had a good time with the guy why not give it another chance? You could even specifically say the next time he asks you out what your expectations about paying are.

 

If you do decide you don't want to because of the paying thing, do the right thing and e-mail the guy to let him know what he did wrong, rather than making him guess. As others have alluded to, there are an awful lot of dating rules out there that people may have heard. Maybe this guy thought he was doing what you wanted, and wasn't acting out of cheapness at all, because he recently had contact with a more feminist type woman. Maybe you said something offhand during the conversation that made him think you were an equality-independent-type woman.

 

Scott

[cdubs32]

I'm your age and have been on a lot of online dates. If you like him, go out with him. You said he was nervous, maybe he just doesn't know every dating rule that people say he has to do as a man. Be also asked you how you wanted to do it, meaning he wasn't sure what to do. If you had said you expect him to pay then people would say how rude YOU are, but he's just expected to pay? Welcome to the 21st century, women have equal rights and have incomes.

 

To the OP: do you like him? Yes? Go out with him again. I've been on too many dates from online with women who plagued themselves with a book of rules and expectations and Im afraid they'll never find a decent man because they walk away from them too easily because he "held his fork weird". Don't be one of those women. Take it one date at a time, go out again if you want to.

[Engadget]

Nope, I see nothing wrong with it. I think it's sweet.

 

Women acting entitled like they have no rights or money when they do?

[donnamaybe]

Good on him for making the date fair.

 

All of the "man should pay", "one opportunity to impress you" claims just smack of superiority and juvenile entitlement issues. Are you not equals?

 

Is your time more valuable than his? Are you doing him a favour by going out with him?

 

I couldn't agree more. Women are ranting on LS ALLLLL the time about wanting to be equal. Then equal up!

[someotherguy]

I'm more than happy to accept non-monetary gifts from my significant other in exchange for buying her dinner, drinks, and whatnot. I make more money than her, by a large margin, but she is sexy as all hell, so it seems a fair trade.

 

What's funny is that when it's written down it sounds like she's whoring herself out, a distinction which I'm sure many women would find appalling, but I'm also sure that this particular dynamic is extremely common: men pay for dates, women put out.

 

Makes one think, eh?

[donnamaybe]

The thing is, these are people on a dating website. Obviously they are MUTUALLY looking for people to date. It's not like this guy saw her out and approached her and made the initial approach. They were BOTH approaching each other. Why should one person ALWAYS have to pay simply because they have genitals that hang outside their body? Can you imagine the bill after a dozen or sometimes more lousy first dates off a dating website?

 

I'm betting if they hit it off and he became enamored of her and they began to seriously date - not just taking out some woman he doesn't know - he'd be more than happy to treat her to special things.

[someotherguy]

I don't think it's any secret that men are expected to pay for dates. It's a very rare exception to find a woman that doesn't expect the man to pay for dates, at least until they are a committed couple.

 

When I was online dating, I paid for every single date I went on, and it was obvious none of the women I was with even entertained the thought of picking up the tab, even though I was carefully filtering for educated women with good careers.

 

In fact, maybe it was that very socio-economic dynamic working against me. My experience (something like 30+ first dates in 9 months of online dating) leads me to believe these women are pragmatic and looking for men who fit a more traditional gender role, that of the "good provider".

 

I think that once a relationship progressed, that most of these women would probably begin to slowly equalize the economic scales a bit, but the wooing stage is tremendously unfavorable to the man from a financial perspective.

 

I would estimate that I spent well in excess of $10,000 on dinner, drinks, and miscellaneous expenses over 9 months of dating, while receiving $0 in assistance from my dates. Keep in mind that only 3 women even made it past the 1st date.

 

I find it interesting that women beat the drum of equality, while expecting such massive disparity.

 

Also, it's interesting to note that the connotation for a man expecting a woman to pay is that he's a scumbag, while a woman expecting a man to pay means she wants him to be gentlemanly.

[donnamaybe]

Also, it's interesting to note that the connotation for a man expecting a woman to pay is that he's a scumbag, while a woman expecting a man to pay means she wants him to be gentlemanly.

 

I know, huh?! Hypocrisy.

[that girl]

I don't think it's any secret that men are expected to pay for dates. It's a very rare exception to find a woman that doesn't expect the man to pay for dates, at least until they are a committed couple.

 

When I was online dating, I paid for every single date I went on, and it was obvious none of the women I was with even entertained the thought of picking up the tab, even though I was carefully filtering for educated women with good careers.

 

In fact, maybe it was that very socio-economic dynamic working against me. My experience (something like 30+ first dates in 9 months of online dating) leads me to believe these women are pragmatic and looking for men who fit a more traditional gender role, that of the "good provider".

 

I think that once a relationship progressed, that most of these women would probably begin to slowly equalize the economic scales a bit, but the wooing stage is tremendously unfavorable to the man from a financial perspective.

 

I would estimate that I spent well in excess of $10,000 on dinner, drinks, and miscellaneous expenses over 9 months of dating, while receiving $0 in assistance from my dates. Keep in mind that only 3 women even made it past the 1st date.

 

I find it interesting that women beat the drum of equality, while expecting such massive disparity.

 

Also, it's interesting to note that the connotation for a man expecting a woman to pay is that he's a scumbag, while a woman expecting a man to pay means she wants him to be gentlemanly.

 

$10,000? Even if you went on 40 first dates plus 20 second dates, that is $150 a date, way more than a first date should cost.