adversity

[Tayla]

Its often said that adversity makes one stronger...well sometimes I wonder if it doesnt aide in softening someone too...or changing them entirely and not necessarily in a good way....

 

Recently something transpired that brought up the *past* issues that still get worked on...One being the *comparison* years later from a situation that reality says I had no tools to conquer. Well here I am 30 years later ...thinking maybe its time to chip away some more at this concern.

 

Brief History: 25 years ago whilst in a somewhat loving marriage, my spouse in his infinite wisdom shared some desires he had. Some goals that he felt he couldn't achieve inside the marriage...One being..his experimentation with a lady of a different nationality( no he didnt cheat on me he just wanted to experiment with another and gain bragging rights I think) . In my delusional thinking (yeah I know...love does that) I considered his desire more important and who was I to not allow him his dream to have such. Clearly I could not change my skin color or heritage..so I sent him packing (divorced)...despite our children , despite our vows, I considered his goal superceded my white picket fence lifestyle. Now years later I still have that tinge of resentment towards him . Oh he is happy and in a wonderful relationship with a lady of his preference . She is a decent choice for him and I genuinely hope they sustain a loving relationship .

 

So here I sit wondering how this adversity can by any means be a life lesson and place me back on the right path. Clearly I have work to do on this ignorance I still beat myself over....Maybe I need or want him to apologize and realize his selfish goal, while accomplished , was at such a costly price to a family. My sore spot is that He in essence found a weakness that I could not change and used it as an OUT to the relationship. .....To this day it still affects my current dating relationships..

So how can I make this adversity work in a positive way? ....

[Green]

Your avatar always looks like it is staring at the poster above you. Since your the OP your just staring up.

 

Adversity. I've faced it in many forms all my life. Some times I felt sorry for myself because of the seriouse blows life has dealt me. But I also have A LOT to be greatful about and I am.

 

Heres some simple advice that works for me. "LIVE IN THE MOMENT." Pretty much live your life and get out of your head. Stop thinking about the past or the future or what or how it could have been and live life in the hear and now.

[Woggle]

I used to think that it made me stronger but I am starting to believe that it messed me up beyond repair. I know if my was different I probably would not have half the issues I do today.

[ADF]

Adversity makes no one stronger. That theory is a crock.

 

Now, some people find strength DESPITE adversity. That certainly happens. Some people who face adversity find strength they never knew they had.

 

But the idea that bad things are really good things in disguise, that they are part of some master plan to teach us life lessons--that's just superstition.

[jenifer1972]

I am not following why you frame this past relationship the way you do. Sounds like he wanted to cheat on you, and you drew a line in the sand that he didn't like. He doesn't sound like he's worth all the emotional effort if he would throw away his marriage because he wanted to experiment with another woman.

 

I would have to agree with ADF. Adversity has not made me stronger per se, but it has made me hardened, and there is a difference.

[Tayla]

Green, Thanks for your opinion on the avatar, One should look up in life though, as well as down to see what one steps in *grin*.

 

a sincere thanks for the responses. Yes living in the moment is the vital thing and yes being grateful is a wonderful way to recount things.

 

Not a fan of *unresolved* matters. ALl I could think of was a saying...Those who do not learn from their past are doomed to repeat it. And I would prefer NOT to repeat. So I reckon I need to learn from it..and guard myself.

 

Adversity does one thing, it defines where we go in life...

[freestyle]

Tayla, you strike me as a very intelligent person.

 

That doesn't mean you weren't capable of being blinded by love, especially when you were younger and less experienced. I also understand how you could continue to feel resentment, even after this many years----your former H's actions sent a message that you "weren't enough". It's a horribly painful thing to feel, more so coming from the one person who should've been giving your feelings as much priority and importance as his own.

 

I have a couple of exbfs in my past, who I'd just as soon sucker-punch the next time I see them.

(not that I would, but it feels good to say it)So I think I kinda understand where you're coming from. It's hard to forgive and move on, when the party responsible for causing the injury never owns up or even acknowledges the pain they've caused.It's like you're left holding the bag.

 

So, how can you use this adversity in a positive way?I wish I had a simple, pat answer for you.Refuse to be defeated by it.Gain wisdom, and self-knowledge from it.Learn healthy boundaries of what you will and won't accept in a relationship.......but be careful not to let those boundaries become so rigid that no one can get close. If your walls are too high, no one else can see over the top----the same walls that keep others out, also keep you isolated.

[Tres]

This type of adversity, called the divorce, is pretty common.

Mostly, women want to get rid of their husbands, but a husband who initiates the divorce is less common. It tells me that there are many good things in the world around that a woman can enjoy by being on her own. It also tells me that there are many bad things in a marriage with the wrong person who does not love her.

I guess you should figure out what your life goals and priorities are and go for them.

I guess a woman can enjoy her life if she has realistic expectations and goals. It is not bad that she does not need anymore to waste her life serving needs of a wrong guy.

[Tayla]

Thank you Freestyle for your kind words and *getting* it . I appreciate it!

I actually tore down some walls thru years of learning to build up self esteem.

Weird how that works. But it does! Healthy boundaries are a good thing

 

Tres- True this adversity is a milestone in gaining some perspectives that things do get better and realisically I am not the same person that made the mistake 25 years ago. The mistake wasn't the divorce...I stand by that decision. The mistake was in allowing someone else to decide my value (self worth) in the marriage...(light bulb moment here)...

[TouchedByViolet]

Rise Against said it well - If strength is born from heartbreak, then mountains I could move

 

Lately, I have found that all the BS in life erodes the better parts of people. It feels like some constant breakdown of people's best traits, leaving behind broken versions of the people.

 

On a positive note, I believe that most people learn to live with their history without letting it negatively interfere with their day to day. I believe, the goal is to reach a point where you can look back at difficult adversity with emotional indifference. We can't change the past but we can prevent it from bringing us down. I think, a way to do this is to find people and activities in your life that make you happy.

[deebeechrisyo]

Ah, my whole life has been pretty much in the face of adversity (teasing/bullying, legal, school, failed relationships). I've overcome every single one. I like to think it's made me stronger, but I think it has just hardened me emotionally and perhaps not for the better.

 

Extreme scenarios don't really phase me like they would a normal person. I think someone could point a gun at my face and I would be unreactive. Relationship-wise, however, I think I have become emotionally detached.

I was bullied from childhood all the way through high school, and combined with all of my relationships ending after 3 or 4 months, I think I have become "numb" to people.

 

There is a lot of danger in that when developing long term relationships. Connecting at an emotional level with a girl is a necessity for long lasting relationships, and I'm seriously scared I won't be able to do that in the future.

 

I think there are pros and cons to adversity. I think overall you will grow to become a much more mature and well-rounded person if you face adversity in your life, rather then someone who is spoiled and sheltered all their life.

[Ross PK]

I think some people get stronger, and I KNOW some people just crumble and end up worse off. I guess maybe it depends on how you are wired.

 

I'm the latter.