whoismyfather Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 My daughter told me this. She said that her and my mom were at bass lake for summer vacation and she wanted to know more about her grandma so they sat in one of the bedroom and talked for hours. My daughter had cheated on her boyfriend and just before this vacation he found out. She had been with him since grade school. So the whole family was very close to him. So when she was talking to my mom she was telling her about the guy and how badly she felt for her now ex-boyfriend. That's when my mom told her she had cheated on my NOT father just before I was born. And that RC was not my real dad. Long after this vacation my daughter and I were having a disagreement when she said "I don't know why you even call my grandpa, he isn't even your real dad." I felt like someone had kicked me in the chest but pretended it didn't bother me. So on Sunday I call the man whom raised me as his own to wish him a happy fathers day. He used to sing to me all the time when I was a kid. I have not seen him for 30 years now, but speak with him every couple of months. I was bawling while he sang to me and he said why you crying? And I said oh nothing. He said just tell me. And I said did you know you are not my father? And he did not say a word. He just said I love you kido. I will always be your dad. I am 47 years old my mother never talks to me won't answer my calls and at family functions everyone seems to treat me differently this is before I found out now I know why. What am I going to do?
Ronni_W Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 Hugs, WhoIs. This is huge. Obviously. It will have an impact mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I would strongly urge you to seek the help of a psychotherapist to help you deal with all the many thoughts, feelings and questions that you have now and that will arrive later. If a therapist doesn't feel 'right' for you at the moment, perhaps a grief-loss counselor or spiritual advisor. Whatever your mind is thinking and your heart is feeling is perfectly normal, but it may be that you could use some guidance and support with the intensity, with working through any so-called "negative" emotions, and with healing any unhealed emotional wounds that may also surface. When you have the inner resources, you can consider telling the man who loves you and raised you, that you also love him; and just share with him your appreciation, gratitude, admiration...and all the other good and positive things that you two have always shared with each other. This news can, if you want and will allow it to, make you a more expansive man and human being. It adds more history, depth and texture to who you are, have always been, and want to be in the future. You still are as lovable, important, special and significant as you have ever been. Wishing you peace.
quankanne Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 hugs from me, as well ... not sure if your mom felt she was protecting you from something ... or maybe protecting herself ... but there's one truth that's undeniable: The man who raised you, who can still tell you he loves you even though you're grown up with a rugrat of your own, and tell you that he'll always be your dad even when you've received such a bombshell? That's the guy who is your father. Not some old fart who paid lip-service by calling himself "dad" but never made a serious emotional investment in a relationship with you. I've grown to see that sometimes, God gives us the family we're meant to have through bonds of the heart, not necessarily just blood. this old guy you've known as "daddy" all your life might not have contributed the sperm to the equation, but honey, with the love he's invested in you? He's definitely your Dad. as for your daughter ... low blow, and you need to explain to her the cruelty of doing such a thing. you're in my prayers, Who ...
Author whoismyfather Posted June 22, 2010 Author Posted June 22, 2010 Im afraid the injury goes so deep as I wind back the tape of my so called life. My mom and dad split when I was 8. She went to work and never came back left me with my 6 brothers and my dad. Every single family member changed that day for life. I am the youngest. I have a very scary life after that due to all the drinking, fighting, police on a daily bases. Watched my dad go from my hero to a broken man was so very painful. We managed for maybe 2 years then I was taken away and shoved into the system. I was a broken child starving for the love and affection I THOUGHT I was getting from my mother. She keeps close contact with everyone of her children. But not me. She left my dad for her lover at work. And I wonder if he is my father and if he is why didnt she take me with her? I know this woman will never admit it to my face that this is true. I in the long run ended up on drugs in prison and homeless all of my adult life has been traumatic as well as my childhood. I cannot be a normal person of society. Nobody will hire me and I have not been in prison or on drugs for 10 years. I jump from home to home trying to find where I belong. Only going deeper into a hole. This information my daughter bestowed upon me was the icing on the cake. Mental stability is now a factor. Throughout this life of mine I have educated myself in many fields. But to no avail. If I could just use my knowledge some way to help others like me. Perhaps that would be a way or process of healing.
Scrybe Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 I feel for you buddy. I had a similar experience but not nearly as traumatic as yours. I found out when I was 12. Not from my mom but from an older sibling. It was tough to deal with. In fact....I didn't deal with it. I don't think it sunk in for several more years. It was then that I "rewound" the tape as you stated and a lot of things started to make sense. Like the fact that my "dad" couldn't quite pronounce my name correctly when I was very little. I thought he was being funny when I was a preschooler but now I know that he only knew my mom a year or so and rarely spent time with me while he was dating her. It sucks. It's selfish. I don't know why parents do these things to their kids. Anyway....I got over it. My dad isn't the best dad in the world but in the end he was good to us and took care of us all. I did finally find my bio dad. Found him over 16 years ago and still haven't met him. Still can't deal with that. He knew about me and never reached out to find me as far as I know. Doesn't want to talk about the past. Like it didn't happen. Weird. He wants me to visit but.....I don't know. I'm waiting for the right time. Got my own family now and I'm focusing on being 10 times the parent that my folks were. My kids feel loved and that's all that matters.
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 To the OP. its not your fault. your daughter is an azzhole. U should put her in her place for her total and complete horrible ways. Also your mother, just cut off contact, she hasnt done much for your life and didnt really take care of you. Your pops, whatever did the best he could and now that he knew the truth, you and him can realize it isnt your fault. But you are now of age where you can start making good choices in your futre mid 40's is not bad. Time to re-evaluate yourself and who you want in your life. I'd NC with the people who treated me like dirt. Including that horrible daughter of yours.
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