I need to tell someone

[PandorasBox]

I need to tell someone something I just learned last night about a friend of mine. I'm really upset and disturbed by it.

 

A friend of mine whom I've been friends with for years, her and her husband separated almost a year ago. Due to lies and infidelity on his part. She tells me last night she needed to tell me something. I'm not sure how we got on the subject or what triggered her to want to tell me.

 

Of course she starts off by saying, "I need to tell you something BUT you can't tell anyone in the family or any of our other friends etc." I hate it when that happens, because thats usually a sign its not good.

 

She tells me about 4 months ago, once when her husband had come over to the house for something, they got into an arguement. he had been drinking. Their 3 kids were in the bedrooms asleep. Her husband goes off the deep end about whatever, and gets in her face. He then starts hitting her in the head and legs. She gets up to walk away and tells him he needs to leave before she calls the cops. He started hitting her in the back of the head and on the arms.

 

She tells me he has never done this to her before. Not sure what to believe but anyway....He finally leaves. She never called the cops. This was her answer as to why she didn't.

 

"I didn't call because he would have gotten a DWI and then he would have probably lost his job and if he is in jail how can he pay for my stuff?" He basically pays for her to keep living in the house, some of her bills, daycare etc. She has a job but of course doesn't make as much as he does.

 

I was pretty much furious at that point. At him for doing what he did and at HER for not reporting it. She tells me no one in her family knows but his mother does, and she told her to not report it!! So his mother is covering for him.

 

They are NOT legally separated. Where we are you have to be separated legally for one year before filing for divorce. I have no clue why neither will file. She actually could get him on alot of things if she did. She has done some not so smart things with this whole situation, but to me this just takes the cake! She is more worried about him being able to pay for whatever!

 

I turned to her and said, "That is his problem. HE has never been held accountable for anything he has ever done, that is why he keeps getting away with and doing what he is doing!" I've never seen a person do as many bad things as he has and no one ever does anything that knows!

 

I do not want to be involved actually. However, I feel that because she told me I'm now involved. I now have this info that I have no clue what to do with. I feel weird. My dad always said, If a person tells you they have something to tell you, and they don't want you to tell anyone, it usually means they DO want you to know and they DO want you to tell the right people, because they do not know how to.

 

Should I just walk away with this info and take it to the grave? Or what? Also She later on tells me I wasn't the only person she told, she told a lady at her work who went through a domestic situation, and she told her to NOT say anything either! WHAT?

 

I jsut feel kind of like, what kind of friend would I be if I didn't tell? Then again what kind of friend would I be if I told?

 

Sometimes I really wish I didn't know some of the things I know.

Edited June 22, 2010 by PandorasBox

[Taramere]

I don't think that openly judging or being annoyed her for not telling the police will achieve much other than to ensure she doesn't confide in you in the future. She certainly won't be the first woman who's ever overlooked a violent episode from a man who provides her with financial support.

 

My advice to her would be that she should get her lawyer to send him a letter noting the violent episode and warning him that any further episode of violence would result in a call to the police and pursuit of a restraining order against him. So far, at least, their kids haven't been involved - neither (as far as you know) being direct victims of his violence or indirect victims in witnessing his violence on their mother.

 

If his violence isn't a one-off (and violence isn't usually) and the kids start getting dragged in, then that makes your position - as someone who's aware of the problem - far trickier. In that situation, where the children were at risk, I'd say that you'd have a very clear obligation as a responsible adult to inform the relevant authorities. As it stands, this is violence visited on an adult who has the capacity to make a complaint to the authorities if she wishes to. She's chosen not to, and I think regardless of how you feel about that you have to accept that that's her call.

[PandorasBox]

Thanks Taramere! I see your point. I just hate knowing this info. She has told me many things before and I haven't told anyone, its just this really bothers me. BUT I guess knowing how he can be and is, him doing that should really come as no big surprise.

[Taramere]

Thanks Taramere! I see your point. I just hate knowing this info. She has told me many things before and I haven't told anyone, its just this really bothers me. BUT I guess knowing how he can be and is, him doing that should really come as no big surprise.

 

I know what you mean. A problem shared might be one halved for her...but the knowledge combined with the feeling of helplessness about being able to do anything about it must place a lot of stress on you. Especially as she's a friend you care about.

 

There's nothing to prevent you from telling her that. She's an adult, she's choosing to burden you as a friend with this information that she refuses to pass onto the authorities.

 

I think I'd be inclined to clarify for her what support I was prepared to offer, and that it would be something along the lines of "I will support you in making a complaint to the police about this, if you decide that's what you're going to do. If, however, you're going to tolerate that kind of violence then I can't support that - and without wanting to sound harsh and unsympathetic, neither can I hear about it. Not if you're set on doing nothing about it. You're my friend, I care about you and it really upsets me to hear that someone's treating you this way. Even worse to have that knowledge and to feel unable to do anything about it. What is it you want from me? Is there a part of you that's hoping I'll take the decision out of your hands and report him to the police?"

[JackJack]

Its really a tough spot to be in, when you know the things you know. Since this happend months ago, I'm not sure there could be alot done at this point, and plus you might would have to prove it to the right people anyway.

 

I don't understand myself how it is there are some people who continually get away with what they do over and over either. The fact the kids were in the home when this happened bothers me. I don't care if they didn't see it or hear it, to me everyone in the house hold that evenings life could have been in danger, period. When someone is having some kind of domestic dispute going on in the home, all people in the home can be at risk.

 

She sounds like she suffers from very low self esteem and zero respect for herself, which is probably not uncommon in domestic situations where something like what you've described is going on. Her being more worried about her payments being made him than reporting him says that outweighs him be held responsible and she is just re-enforcing his behavior by not reporting it.

 

For now, I would sit tight and keep your info filed away in your mind for now. Hopefully he will be held accountable for something.

[blair08]

Wow what a thing to unload on someone! I would ask her in the most caring way possible why she decided to tell you this after months has passed. I also agree with what you said your dad said about people telling others things. Because if she truly didn't want it to be out, or risk the possibility of it getting out, I don't think she would have shared it with anyone.

 

She needs to find out what her rights are too. Maybe she could consult a lawyer and bring up a hypothetical situation if she was afraid to share that it was her, and asked what would happen in a situation where someone was reported for domestic violence if she is worried about things getting paid.

Edited June 22, 2010 by blair08

[Major]

You know, in college I have been in similar situations. When I have seen things like this, it really is difficult. I couldn't imagine with children. In college, I would see a young, lady desperate to reach out to someone because she is not only hurting, physically, but emotionally and mentally. She is broken. Although I have seen them broken, unfortunately, they usually end up back with the guy. It's a deep seated, self-esteem issue. I know you get furius and you don't understand because she and the kids deserve more. This is just me, I wouldn't betray her trust, however, I would devise a plan with her to protect the kids in case of an altercation, whether that be to call you or you and a couple of guys to come over to pick them up. She text you or something. I would just have to impress upon her that I love her, however, her inability to judge the magnitude of the situation could do more than damage her/kids financially, if they see this, they are damaged emotionally and could be damaged physically. She needs to realize that this isn't just about her. It's not fair for her to have the kids around this dysfunction. She is not doing those children any favors buy selling her dignity and theirs for a paycheck. Even if you can just locate social services (shelters for abused wives/kids), just in case she can't make a decision. I know it's just me, but if something happened to those kids because I knew something and I didn't do everything to protect them, I couldn't live with myself. Honestly, as adults, we have the right to ruin our lives and make desperate, dysfunctional decisions if we want. However, when kids are involved, we have to think differently. Honestly, until she gets help, she won't be able to understand you until something really clicks. Usually, when anyone is actually in a situation, it's hard to see what you need to see in a logical, objective way. It's only when we are removed from the situation sometimes that we can reflect back, and see what consequences resulted from our actions, and hopefully make better choices in the future. I will keep you, your friend and those beautiful, little ones in prayer.