robaday Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 Hi all, I was wondering if you could help me with something, and a worrying trait I've noticed in myself. I broke up with my gf about 4 months ago-she was best looking, kindest girl, but for a number of reasons (my depression&commitment phobia-her insecurity-me struggling at work) I could not make it work, and did not have the strength to continue. I know it was the right choice but I've really struggled to move on wondering "what if?". Since then though my behavior has been somewhat self destructive. I slept with a friend's ex (from a long long time ago) and then the next day, recoiled and quickly told her nothing could ever happen between us again-the idea of dating at the time seemed the last thing I needed. More recently I moved away, and drunk dialled an ex from maybe 3 years ago and slept with her-first time I'd seen her in 3 years. She drunkenly told me she loved me. Again I fled-I thought she'd be over it by now. This past weekend I was caught kissing a friend of a friend by her boyfriend as she kissed me in a bar, but she insisted on taking my number right in front of him anyway. I did not realize she had a boyfriend, let alone one sitting in the same bar as me. I am actually ashamed of myself, I don't go near guys gf's nor ex's as a matter of respect for them, whether I know them or not. I have no interest in a relationship and cannot even muster up the strength to go for a date. I have not been attracted to anyone since my ex, who I don't dare contact for the short term. Most guys tell me to get out there and sleep with anything to get it out of system, but truth is the thought actually mortifies me at the moment, and everytime I do "pull" someone, I actually feel sick the next day (and they're not bad looking before you ask). I am smart, good looking and reasonably fit. Is this part of grieving? should I stay away from women until my self-esteem gets better? would a rebound help?
lab_brat Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 (edited) I am actually ashamed of myself, I don't go near guys gf's nor ex's as a matter of respect for them, whether I know them or not. I have no interest in a relationship and cannot even muster up the strength to go for a date. I have not been attracted to anyone since my ex, who I don't dare contact for the short term. Um, yeah, apparently you do. Just because you say 'oh, i don't do this' doesnt make it any better. You did. Several times. Own your behaviour. Your behaviour isn't self-destructive. Self-destructive implies you are hurting yourself. Instead you seem to be hurting other people. You're hurting. I get that. But sometimes we tend to focus so much on where we are hurting we go out and treat others pretty badly without thinking about it. Your exes probably didnt deserve the way you treated them. You're acting like a wronged victim; feeling sorry for yourself because you screwed up your relationship. Going out and messing around isn't helping you or anyone. Deal with your own issues, sort all that out and then worry about dating other people. Edited June 22, 2010 by lab_brat
bayouboi Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 Um, yeah, apparently you do. Just because you say 'oh, i don't do this' doesnt make it any better. You did. Several times. Stop acting like a jerk. Your behaviour isn't self-destructive. Self-destructive implies you are hurting yourself. Instead you seem to be selfishly hurting others. You're acting like a wronged victim; feeling sorry for yourself because you screwed up your relationship. Going out and messing around isn't helping you or anyone. Deal with your own issues, sort all that out and then worry about dating other people. Well said. InBeforeTheWomenComeInAndConsoleThisJerk
TouchedByViolet Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 Um, yeah, apparently you do. Just because you say 'oh, i don't do this' doesnt make it any better. You did. Several times. Stop acting like a jerk. Your behaviour isn't self-destructive. Self-destructive implies you are hurting yourself. Instead you seem to be selfishly hurting others. You're acting like a wronged victim; feeling sorry for yourself because you screwed up your relationship. Going out and messing around isn't helping you or anyone. Deal with your own issues, sort all that out and then worry about dating other people. Yes, I got the same feeling after reading the first post. robaday, how about taking a break from women for a few weeks and spend that time to work on self-improvement
lab_brat Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 awww, thanks i actually went back and chenged my OP becasue i worried i was being too harsh on him.
Author robaday Posted June 22, 2010 Author Posted June 22, 2010 To add context, the rel had turned destructive, all trust and mutual respect had gone-I was sabotaging, she was checking my phone and demanding to know my whereabouts at all times-we had at least 10 arguments where she stormed out of the house...only to make up through sex-I felt I had to break up because we would have killed each other otherwise-I am not pretending I am innocent, just saying there were two of us involved-I know it was the right decision, but I am worried that it has impacted me longer than I expected it would. I genuinely did not know the 2nd girl had a boyfriend-honestly, and I would not have gone near her if I had. The first girl (my friend's ex) the two of them dated 10 years ago for six months-the minute I woke up I put a stop to anything that could have happened between us, despite this being a long time in the past-I am no saint at all I'll be the first to admit. I just want to move on. I'm working out, am living in new environment, taken up boxing and am writing daily (as well as working). I guess it will take time before I'm back to my best, but wondered if this was something anyone else went through-i.e. not showing any interest in any form of dating whatsoever even four months after a break-up?
Feelin Frisky Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 I don't see what you said as "self-destructive"--I think reckless and emotionally erratic are more apropos. What do you really want? Why feel guilt if you're not forcing yourself on anyone. If you can't figure out answers to your life direction patterns, perhaps a pro therapist and psychiatrist can help you become a whole that has a direction--even if that is to be a player. The guilt stuff is incongruent with your behavior. Either you wanna sow some wild oats or you don't. But what's with the self recrimination for being a meat-seeking missile? It's part of the male nature to want to notch up the belt--regretting it after each notch is like some girlish hand-me-down self-repression. Get it together. You may find the investment in a little therapy and/or medicine one of the smartest things you've ever done if it helps you sort out who you are and where you're going.
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