Aural Posted February 1, 2004 Posted February 1, 2004 Hi ¡¡¡ First of all, I'd like to apologize for any mistakes I could make in my writing, as English is not my mother tongue. I have just discovered this messageboard and am delighted, as I searched the net and couldn't find anything about my problem and the, suddenly, I bumped into Love Shack.Thanks for being here. I'll try to make my story the shortest: I was married for 4and1/2 years with my only bf. We met at 18 and got married at 27.During the 2nd year of my marriage I met a man through Internet who was also married. I fell in love with him and started a double life. He lived in another town, so it wasn't very difficult to hide our relationship. At 32 I separated from my husband. The situation become unbearable for both of us, I couldn't lead that life longer, I felt terribly guilty, couldn't believe I was doing that to a man who had been my only love and who loved me a lot. So following a marriage crisis, I separated from him. After we split up, my husband learnt about my affair and went wild. He threatened my lover, he called my parents and told them I had been cheating on him...It was a terrible experience, those days. This happened exactly two years ago.Since then, I have tried to live my life with the other man, but this has not been possible. He is still married, and in a weird situation: he doesn't live with his wife, but doesn't want to have a legal separation.His reasons are that he is in a financial wreck and a separation would make him pay some money to his wife monthly and he isn't in good financial condition to do so. His wife doesn't say a word: she still lives in their house and her parents help her financially.So, as she doesn't bother him, he wants to stay quiet. My husband and I have improved our relationship a lot. He says he wants to start a family and that he loves me, and that he hasn't lost the idea that we could do it together, but: a) He is very hurt, yet. So he needs time and b) He has just bought a new house and is moving to it these days, and he wants to enjoy it I understand everything but I am eager to be emotionally stable and I would like a firmer commitment from him, but he can't, and I have to understand it. So my problem, is this: *I am in love with my married bf, but I am so tired of waiting. We have been together for 4 years and he is still married ¡¡¡ He doesn't want to separate, he says he can't and that is all. There is no chance for him to change his mind. I have tried everything to no avail.I want to settle and get married again and start a family.But he doesn't seem to think the same, although he did in the past. He says his work is very important to him now and I have to understand that. *On the other hand, i daydream with starting over with my ex-husband. I think a lot about our married life, he has been such a good man for me. Even after our separation, he has been there for me every time I have called him. He has lent me money, he has given me his shoulder to cry...I am thinking about leaving my married bf and start building confidence again with my ex-husband. But... *What about love??? I am in love with my married bf. And I can't deny it. I can't fool my heart. I love my ex-husband but I am not in love with him. I can't lose somebody whom I love. I don't know what to do. What do you think?
EnigmaXOXO Posted February 1, 2004 Posted February 1, 2004 Aural, have you ever spent any time during your adult life yet getting to know yourself "outside" the contexts of a relationship? Maybe some time on your own might help you to clear the fog. I think once you've learned how to be comfortable in your own company, and figure out how to provide your own happiness and security, you won't be so desperate to find others to provide that for you. A relationship should be something that 'enhances' your life, and not the 'be all' and 'end all' of it. It should be something you "want," but not necessarily something you "need." Maybe you're just not ready for either guy yet? How difficult would it be for you to make a break from BOTH men and fly solo for a while?
Benedict Posted February 2, 2004 Posted February 2, 2004 ...and leave the situation. Both situations. The married guy has you right where he wants you: with no commitment made to you. He is even telling you he won't commit. Time to move on. At least he is honest about that part. The ex-husband? Leave him be too. Do not allow him to be drawn in farther. You yourself say you are not in love with him. So you love him. Big deal. I love my sister, too. I love cookies. I love airplanes. See where I'm going with this? Let him find the right girl, because you aren't it for him - even if he does not realize it. And he's not right for you. I wholeheartedly agree with Enigma. Find yourself first.
Arabess Posted February 2, 2004 Posted February 2, 2004 When you can't chose between two people...neither one of them are meeting your needs and what you are looking for in a real relationship. The married boyfriend is a losing situation. After 4 years....you are wasting your time. If you can work things out with your ex.....that would be nice. Then again, you may have the same problems you did in the beginning. If you don't want him with ALL your heart....then you only partially want him. I think maybe you just want someone to love you as a person. Learn to love yourself first by ditching relationships which aren't healthy....nor do they make you happy. Spend some time thinking about what you DO want and need from a relationship....THEN try with someone who hasn't disappointed you in the past and isn't married. These two guys aren't your only options in life. You deserve ONE GUY who belongs just to you and makes you completely happy.
Iamhappy Posted February 2, 2004 Posted February 2, 2004 Chiming in late, but... I agree with the posters who suggested you find yourself first. CHOOSE YOU!!!
BayouBarbie Posted February 3, 2004 Posted February 3, 2004 Reading your post... I totally understand what you are going through, because I have been there. I met Steve online about four years ago, while still married to my ex husband. (Nothing I'm Proud of) My marriage was BAD, but we had small children at the time and I basically stayed because of them. However...Steve was not married, he was just divorced however not really over all of his issues..etc. Living a double life is VERY hard to do, and it almost destroyed me..Steve and I lived 2,300 miles apart to top it all off. (So easy in the beginning, and he was just a really good friend for the first few months anyway) Until...one night while chatting I realized I loved this man (????) and admitted it to him, and he agreed he had fell in love with me too....Now the double life was beginning to get hard! I no longer did anything for or with my husband..I cried, became extremely depressed, and only wanted to talk on the phone and plan meetings to see Steve. Steve would fly down and we would spend wonderful days together, however at night I had to go home. (Steve understood) This went on for about 2 years, until finally I left my husband, told him the truth, and we divorced. Those years of living the double life were so damaging to me and others in my life. I have apoligized to everyone involved and I never expect to be forgiven, but I have moved passed the guilt. I had to forgive myself and go on with my now shattered life. Steve moved to be with me and my children soon after the divorce, and things were so wonderful. A year later we were married, and now have bought a house together and I'm so happy. All of these internet stories do not end like mine did, and I will always remember and feel extreme pain for the ones that were hurt by my actions. I lost all my friends and had to completely start over. Do I regret falling in love with and marrying Steve? No...I adore and am in total love with him, however....I do regret the way I lived a double life and told no one of what was going on... I understand what you are going through..and it hurts so bad... Candace
Author Aural Posted February 3, 2004 Author Posted February 3, 2004 Dear Candace: Thanks a lot for your post. I think we have shared some feelings The double life takes its price and it's terrible for all involved. At least it was, when I had it, for me, and for my then husband. Don't think it was for my bf, though. It damaged me, too, and it damaged my ex-husband. It is a lifelong damage. I'm almost sure it can't be repaired I'm so glad your story went ok: i've heard of lots of people who couldn't do it, and I guess I am one of them. Not technically, as I am involved in a relationship yet, but I guess my story went wrong. I feel anguish when I think I have lost 4 years of my life; that now I could be still married and with kids...I am 34 and my biological clock is ticking very fast. Never ever in my life did I imagine I would be 34 and childless. I love children and I hoped to have them with my bf when we met: he also wanted them. Now we don't talk about that. We don't talk about future any more. I am going to see him this weekend. It is a farewell for me, because I have understood I have lost the battle and I should leave with dignity. I am having a very bad time. I have suffered a lot and gone through a lot of pain these last 4 years and I don't feel prepared to start suffering "again". Thanks a lot. Aural
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