chimera24 Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 I am in a flux stage of being cheated on by my wife of 11 years. She is going to counselling and I have just started but I have said we will do this over the summer, try to enjoy our family the best we can and come to a decision of our future when the kids go back to school in a couple of months. I have been decent after my initial anger offload. Occasionally I relapse and demand answers she claims she is not ready to talk about. She won't tell me much about the relationship she had except to say "she crossed the line" and that she never really had serious feelings for the other man. What do I expect from her during these couple of months? To kiss my butt and worship the ground I walk on? No. At first she was very apologetic, then caring and trying to show me the relationship and our family was more important than anything. I guess after a while she thought I was bullying her with my questions and she in turn got angry. She seems to now be done with understanding my pain but instead is giving me the cold shoulder and at times I find myself trying to hard to make her talk to me or spend quality time together. I want to get away from doing that. She spends alot of time with friends as she did during her cheating phase. I feel that the friends offer her support and make her feel like a good person despite them not knowing anything about her infidelities. What I am looking for is reassurance that she is making every effort to rebuild this if thats what she honestly wants this but now I don't see it. I think she thinks we can sweep it under the rug over time and the effort is her going to counselling. What I am looking for from this forum is help to build myself back up and do things for me. I need strategies to avoid calling and texting her during the day so if I decide at the end of the summer that we need to separate and ultimately divorce that I am already on my way to independance. I find myself calling or texting her to ask her trivial things that can wait. But truthfully its just because I miss her or want to hear her voice. Time to move on and I guess we will see how "badly" she wants this to work as she claims. Thanks!
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 Hi there...I can understand your pain and where your coming from, after catching my spouse cheating on me over 2 months ago now. How long ago did you find out? Did she get caught by you or reveal the A to you? As much as I'd like to think that makes a difference...at the end of the day it really doesn't. But her getting angry and giving you the cold shoulder every time its brought up shows you she's still not over the OM or the A at this point. If she really felt the remorse she sure as hell wouldn't just leave and chill with her gf's ...she'd be doing everything in her power to fix things with you! My spouse has been the opposite of yours at this point..and you know what..I'm still left with the decision if its worth saving or not. Having children makes our decisions a lil harder..but at the end of the day you have to think of yourself and your kids! You have to do things for YOU! When she says she wants to step out with her gf's the next time...say actually I had plans to go out..so YOU have to stay with the kids. Don't let her squirm her way out of this. She brought all of this upon your whole family! Did you happen to out her out to family and friends about her A??? Maybe you should tell her gf's about it!
Spark1111 Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 It's a long process my friend..... There is no expiration date on the feelings of pain and betrayal for you; shame and confusion for the wandering spouse (WS). The hardest question, and the one which may take the longest is for her to figure out the "why" of what she did. What was missing in a) herself, b) the marriage and c) boundaries in place to never go there again. People who elect to have affairs often share the characteristics of of conflict avoidance and tend to be poor communicators, about themselves and their needs. The also suffer often from poor self-esteem. Is it external validation? Feeling wanted and desired? Admired? What did they get from their AP that they were not getting from their spouse? Why wasn't it communicated to the spouse? Look, for many this is a very long process if they even have the courage to go through with it. Are you absolutely SURE there is NO CONTACT with the other party? Because if there is, she will be less willing to devote 100 percent of herself to this arduous process. As for you? Be the very best person you can be. Do what makes you happy! Get strong for yourself. Start reading and learning about affairs and how to have a better relationship, not only with each other, but with yourself. Talk with friends, go to the gym, take a class, have some fun. Since you are unsure what your future with her may hold, you only know you will be bringing yourself to your future. Have a very clear idea of what it will take to reconcile: IC? MC? Relationship homework together? Reading? Talking, talking, talking and listening, listening, listening. I wish you peace.
CrayonAngel Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 This is why if my H were to ever cheat on me..I would expose. He doesn't have that false shelter of people who think its me. Your W isn't going to help you heal so help yourself! I've seen it mentioned on here before and I think they call it the 180. Stop calling her and texting her...don't persue. Just live and fix yourself, focus ENTIRELY on YOU. She will get it, or she won't. I can't tell you what your outcome will be, but I do know that people want what they can't have and you need to stop being so redily available to her if you aren't getting it in return.
Binster Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 Hi Chimera sorry your going through al this, I've got to say I took the time to read your previous postings and I advice you to reread them as if it where someone else posting. Seems to me your wife is making minimal efort and that mainly to keep you quiet. You need to get a grip on this forget waiting for six months, get down to a lawyer now and get legal advice, stop all this childish petty contacting for no reason your looking weedy and needy. when you'v got the legal eagle on side tell her straight you dont think she's making a real effort, and you've seen a lawyer, her reaction will tell you where you go from their. Good look.
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