What's the normal amount of time until the guy you're seeing asks for exclusivity...

[Fay]

... and introduces you to at least a couple of his friends? I know it varies from person to person, but what's a reasonable amount of time, and what's the maximum?

 

Assume you've been dating him for a month minus a few days, and seeing each other about twice a week, and phoning or texting about every other day, and having sleepovers and stuff.

 

The above is me, and I've already decided I'm wasting my time with him, but I want to be sure I'm not jumping the gun here.

 

(BTW, these are the least of my complaints about him, but ignore that for the sake of this question.)

Edited June 22, 2010 by Fay

[SarahRose]

well I think you need to get this sorted out before having sex with someone.

 

Guys these days try to get away with as much as possible while giving as little as possible.

[C-i-C-u]

well I think you need to get this sorted out before having sex with someone.

 

Guys these days try to get away with as much as possible while giving as little as possible.

That is bs right there. Most women want a man who gives as little as possible because that means they get to do all the chasing. And that makes them feel important. I give just as much as she gives when I have been in a relationship.

[Citizen Erased]

That is bs right there. Most women want a man who gives as little as possible because that means they get to do all the chasing. And that makes them feel important. I give just as much as she gives when I have been in a relationship.

 

Wow. Who sold you that BS? I think you need a refund.

 

I don't think there is a normal amount of time. I fail to see why you can't bring it up with him. Personally, I won't sleep with someone that I haven't established it with. I don't particularly wish to end up someone's unwilling f-buddy.

[TouchedByViolet]

I agree with C-i-c-u to a degree. A guy that seems too interested or attentive is not a challenge for the girl.

 

OP, each case is different but after about 2 or 3 weeks you should be getting introduced to friends and individuals in his life. If not I would be very leery. Sounds like this guy is just using you.

 

Girls I have dated and been interested in forming a relationship with I have introduced to my friends.

[C-i-C-u]

Wow. Who sold you that BS? I think you need a refund.

 

I don't think there is a normal amount of time. I fail to see why you can't bring it up with him. Personally, I won't sleep with someone that I haven't established it with. I don't particularly wish to end up someone's unwilling f-buddy.

Do you have a boyfriend? If you do who did most of the chasing and how much affection did he show to you in the beginning as well as how much affection did you give in the beginning?

[BS76]

what's a reasonable amount of time, and what's the maximum?

 

At most I'd say 6 months for someone that has a ton of options and dates other people. If they take more than 6 months to get serious with you then they're more interested in "having fun", which is to say having their cake and eating it too. In other words they effectively have a harem and are stringing you along. The earliest I think 2 people can get serious about each other is about 4-6 weeks, and that's if you're seeing each other multiple times a week. The problem there is you risk burnout. If you see each other 1-2 times a week and go at a "normal" pace, somewhere between a month or three should be enough time to know if you want to get serious.

[Krytie TV]

Would you believe there was a time that I didn't know that you actually had to explicitly say that you wanted to be exclusive? I had always "fallen" into relationships where you meet, date, and are bf and gf without a word about it.

 

I personally think someone should know within 3 months, and that's being pretty generous. I would be wary of someone that needs longer.

[Diezel]

I never ask.

And yes, I am in an LTR and yes, she asked me: What are we?

 

And we took it from there.

 

That was 5 months into going out.

 

Again, as a guy, I NEVER ASK.

[Crazy Magnet]

Each person is different, but I know within a month or so whether or not I want to exclusively date someone but I am very sure about what I'm looking for.

[O'Malley]

.

BTW, these are the least of my complaints about him

 

What are the other issues you have? If the cons outweigh the pros....

 

If he hasn't invited you (casually) to hang out with him and his friends after a month or so, or has no interest in meeting up with you and your friends on occasion...definitely be leery. Overall it depends on if you're actually going on dates in public -- texting and sleepovers just doesn't cut it for a potentially serious relationship.

 

The exclusivity is something that's harder to nail down for many people -- I'm old school about exclusively dating one person and I let them know that early on. If he's not comfortable with a regular boyfriend/girlfriend situation after 3 months, he's probably not worth your time.

[lab_brat]

Would you believe there was a time that I didn't know that you actually had to explicitly say that you wanted to be exclusive? I had always "fallen" into relationships where you meet, date, and are bf and gf without a word about it.

 

I personally think someone should know within 3 months, and that's being pretty generous. I would be wary of someone that needs longer.

 

Oh, me too! I always assumed it was exclusive unless you specifically said otherwise. These days its not like that, which i think sucks. I never saw the point of seeing multiple people at once-i figure, either you like someone or you don't , it shouldn't be so hard.

[make me believe]

If you have so many complaints about him after less than a month, why are you even wasting your time?? Move on to a guy who you don't have all of these complaints about!

[tigressA]

If you have so many complaints about him after less than a month, why are you even wasting your time?? Move on to a guy who you don't have all of these complaints about!

 

No, because she'd have to be alone then, and that's too horrid to think about.

 

If you wanted us to ignore the fact that this isn't your only problem with him, then why did you even mention it at all? Of course that's going to be picked apart if it's put in your post. Like make me believe said, you're wasting your time.

[carhill]

YMMV, but in my age group, IMO, if you're 'dating' someone and having sex with them and not introducing them to friends and/or family, they're a f*ck-buddy. After eight dates, sex and a month, a dinner party at or with friends is entirely appropriate, IMO.

 

Now, if you're saying sleepovers without sexual contact of some sort, which I presumed in my above advice, that's weird, and this is the 35 y/o virgin guy talking. I did that kind of stuff when I was a virgin and it was weird. No defense there. Regardless, the ladies were integrated into my group of friends as a matter of course. I wouldn't be 'sleeping over' at multiple ladies homes or they at mine. We'd be 'exclusive' at that point. YMMV on that one.

 

Here's the thing. This guy is a bit nebulous. He has you guessing. You've implied you're going to dump him but have come here first. Examine that attraction/want dynamic. Will want win? Interesting

[EmptyPromises]

Why buy the cow if you get the milk for free?

[Sivok]

It obviously varies from person to person, but if he hasn't said anything by the two month mark (about 10 dates or so - again, varies from person to person), then feel free to bring it up. Like alot have said, guys don't bring it up if they don't have to.

[Fay]

Funny thing. I actually wrote him an email yesterday where I explicitly dumped him and told him all the reasons why I was doing it. I didn't leave any loopholes for him to sneak back in through. He replies to the email telling me how into me he is, and how he hasn't felt this way since forever about anyone, and how he wants me to meet his friends, and how, in his opinion, we actually are exclusive. I felt bad (although leery, of course - I'm jaded these days), so I apologized for dumping him.

 

I guess that nonchalantly backing them into a corner forces their hand, even though that's NOT what I intended at all.

 

And to whoever said it: no, I have no issue with being alone. I actually prefer it. I'm just going with the flow here. You can search my other posts for the one where I spell out the complaints I had/have about him.

[Krytie TV]

Wow. You dumped him over email? How very avoidant of you. You should be ashamed of yourself for doing something like that in such an impersonal way.

[aerogurl87]

Wow, over an email and he still wants you back? Hehe, he must really like you then because I would've been out the door by that point. Anyway, to answer your question when I establish exclusivity with a guy depends really on what I want at that point relationship wise. If I really don't want to be in a relationship I avoid the topic, but if I really want a serious relationship and see the guy as being a good prospect, I ask by the end of the first month if we're seeing each other on a regular basis. Although this last time around things went quicker than I had anticipated with my boyfriend who told me straight up that he was looking for a LTR with no head games in the second email he wrote me.

[Fay]

Wow. You dumped him over email? How very avoidant of you. You should be ashamed of yourself for doing something like that in such an impersonal way.

 

Yeah, I am, but I'm a coward. When I say stuff vocally it never comes out right. I didn't want to screw up my words so I wrote them. Look, I know, it wasn't classy. I apologized to him for that too.

[alphamale]

... and introduces you to at least a couple of his friends? I know it varies from person to person, but what's a reasonable amount of time, and what's the maximum?

the woman should ask the man for exclusivity around the 2 to 3 month mark. 6 months max.

[Fay]

the woman should ask the man for exclusivity around the 2 to 3 month mark. 6 months max.

 

I know you think that. I've known your opinion on this for years, Alpha. (Been on and off here for maybe 8 years, but under another s/n which I forgot the password and email addy for.)

 

But the thing is I didn't ask for exclusivity at all. The way I phrased it was something to the effect of "You haven't introduced me to any of your friends, [etc, etc...] I have the niggling suspicion that you're hiding me from someone... [other stuff, blah blah blah...] I'm sorry, but this isn't working for me. I wish you the best of luck finding someone. Best wishes, Fay"... and then HE pulled out the exclusivity thing.

 

Riddle me that, Batman.

[alphamale]

... and then HE pulled out the exclusivity thing.

thats pretty typical

[Fay]

thats pretty typical

 

What do you mean?

 

Besides, I would NEVER ask for exclusivity nowadays or make any other significant first move (other than inviting a guy out for drinks, maybe.) I've gotten amputated too many times by putting myself on the chopping block. Never again. If the man isn't man enough to make the moves, "he's just not that into me" and I have no time to waste on him.