adeala Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 Forgive me if I am going about this wrong, but I am lost right now and really need some advice. First, background information I suppose. We've been in a relationship for over a year now, very happy, and I am very committed to him, and I am pretty sure he is the same. We have an issue though that for me causes a lot of problems, but for him, seems irrelevant. We are from different countries and the cultures are quite different, but he says he understands how I feel. He is a few years older than me and had a relationship that ended 2 or 3 years (apparently, though he is hazy on details) before meeting me. He was with her for 3 years or so, on this I am not sure, as he apparently "can't remember" anymore, and doesn't like to talk about it. I don't press him for details or information, largely because I am honestly not interested, but also because I know that I have insecurity and jealousy issues and knowing intimate details would be too much. He lived with her for a couple of years, and she lived at the apartment he currently lives in. Again, I don't know how long for, he "can't remember". I would like to make clear that my issue is not with him having a past, or living with her, or anything like that. Relationships help to make us who we are and I love the person that he is now. He has retained a friendship with this particular ex-girlfriend, which admittedly I am not that comfortable with. He was still visiting her family about 6 months in to our own relationship, until he told me about it, and I told him that I wasn't at all comfortable with that. He no longer sees her parents or grandparents, however, they meet for lunch (and probably other meetings). He does not tell me about this, I told him that I didn't want to know about it if he was seeing her, but not to share details of our relationship. On a recent lunch with her he told her that he was uncomfortable seeing her, because I didn't like the friendship. She told him that my feelings were "absurd", and they are still in contact. I told him that I did not want him discussing our relationship with her again, and he agreed not to do so. So, that bit of rambling history out of the way, we can get to the main issue here. My partner is talking to me about moving in to his apartment to live with him. We have discussed the future and our desires and needs and we seem to have compatible views, I'd also really like to build a future with him. We have begun to have issues recently, however, because this apartment still has belongings in it that are his ex's, and various items relating to their relationship. While doing the general cleaning up a while ago, I happened upon a photo album. I did not look for it, I do not snoop in cupboards, this was simply right in front of me when I went to replace some candles. It was pink, covered in hearts, "I love yous" and the like. I asked him to get rid of it, as I knew it was theirs, and if he wants me to live here, I don't want their things around the apartment. He told me that there were no really romantic pictures inside and that I shouldn't be bothered about it, but that he'd get rid of it and anything else he found. I just wanted the photo album gone, not necessarily the photos. He told me that he liked to keep pictures to see how different he used to look. This is understandable, but a photo album decorated like that is a bit awkward for me to look at. Fast forward a few months, and while getting some sheets out of the cupboard, a handmade pillowcase falls out, decorated with "I love you" and hearts. Of course this makes me very uncomfortable and I ask him to get rid of it. He tells me that I should just bin anything I find. I say that I asked him to remove these things, and that I don't expect to keep finding them. He goes to bed that night without getting rid of it, so I bin it. This pillowcase happened to have a date on it, from 2005, so he has had quite a few years to get rid of these things. This morning while putting shirts away, a pair of womens underwear fall out of the cupboard. I know they are not mine because I do not wear that brand. There was also women's shirts and dresses in the cupboards. I am sick and tired of this. He says that many people stay at his apartment, and that he doesn't know who these clothes belong to, but that I can get rid of them as no one has come to claim them. I informed him about the underwear this morning, and furiously told him that I'd had enough. He asked me if I had been snooping on cupboards to find these things, and that he thought it was bad I was looking for things to get angry about. I snapped this morning and told him that I wanted him to go through everything and throw out anything that was not relating to us. I told him that he cannot expect me to live in an apartment where there are teddy bears and clothing belonging to previous girlfriends. It is driving me a bit mad, frankly, because he just doesn't seem interested in getting rid of anything. In his cupboard there's a folder full to bursting with handmade cards, letters, postcards and crafts from this ex-girlfriend. I don't look at these things, but I am sick of knowing they are there. He tells me to get rid of anything I find, and then tells me off for coming across them, accusing me of going through the cupboards. Personally I'd like to throw out this folder, but he'd probably snap if I did. It seems to be a case of telling me to do something, but not actually wanting me to do it. I am not able to check his phone, e-mails or letters etc to find out if there is anything going on, because he and her speak in their native language which I do not understand. I trust him completely and I know he is not cheating on me, but I am sick to death of coming across female items that aren't mine! Ultimatums are never a good idea, and I don't want to give one, but I need some way to make him understand that I am just not comfortable with this. Is there really any genuine reason for a person to keep items belonging to an ex, when that relationship ended years ago? He tells me frequently that he hasn't felt for anyone like he does for me, and I believe him. Am I completely out of line because I want to move in to an apartment and truly make it "our home"? I don't see how this can be our place if there are fragments of past relationships lying around. In my opinion, it'd be like me turning up and putting teddies from ex boyfriends all over the bed. I couldn't actually do this though.. Since I got rid of presents and letters when I met him, out of respect for him. This is my first relationship where I genuinely want to commit to someone, and I am learning all the time about how these things work. Am I in the wrong here, is this situation completely normal and I'm just being crazy or what?
Posh Polly Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 He has told you several times to get rid of anything you find so do a clean sweep and purge the place of the ex! Problem solved. He's not purposely holding onto this stuff, he just doesn't care.
Author adeala Posted June 22, 2010 Author Posted June 22, 2010 He has told you several times to get rid of anything you find so do a clean sweep and purge the place of the ex! Problem solved. He's not purposely holding onto this stuff, he just doesn't care. That's the thing - after finding the underwear I told him I'd do this, and he told me that he hadn't given me permission to go through the cupboards to get rid of things. He said that if I came across anything while going about my normal activities, I could get rid of it. But I should not go through the apartment looking for things because I have no right to do so Conflicting, eh!
Posh Polly Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 So your "normal activity" is spring cleaning! I'm confused, did you move in or are you just staying there?
Author adeala Posted June 22, 2010 Author Posted June 22, 2010 So your "normal activity" is spring cleaning! I'm confused, did you move in or are you just staying there? Probably should have mentioned this as it's a pretty big deal - but we're in a long distance relationship. I come out to his place and stay here for 4-5 weeks at a time, and spend a few weeks back in my own country. I'm staying here at the moment, but we've planned the whole summer together (he's coming to meet my parents, we're having a holiday, etc). I suppose this is why I consider it a big deal - in a LDR, trust is paramount. I trust him, but he doesn't seem to be trying to make it easy for me to do so
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