vnally Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 (Sorry it’s a bit long—I tend to be verbose) I’ve been in a fairly casual relationship with a boy I met at college for a few months now. We live in different states and had not seen each other for a month after finals but still remained in close contact until he moved back to campus for an internship. Though he did immediately invite me to visit (I live an hour away from where we go to school), he suddenly became very distant once his internship started. When I did come to see him, he seemed very disinterested in me and wasn’t at all affectionate. In the morning he finally confessed that he was very hesitant about where our relationship was going. We’re both studying abroad in different countries next semester and he suggested that a long distance relationship would be really hard to maintain. I didn’t know what to say at the time, but after collecting my thoughts, I called him the next day. Since we still both liked each other, I suggested that we should keep seeing each other until the end of the summer, then switch to an open relationship during the semester we’d be apart (though we would still talk, of course), and then we could reassess what we wanted when we both came back. He seemed to agree, but did not commit to a time when we would see each other again. In the past week he’s continued to be extremely distant. Yesterday I finally confronted him about this and he admitted that he’s still “a little shaken up” by the conversation we’d had last week and that he’s “trying to figure out where [his] head’s at.” I told him that I understand if he needs space but that he shouldn’t leave me hanging and that he can talk to me if he needs to, and he apologized, saying that these sort of things make him “really nervous” but that we would definitely talk about it soon once he figures it all out. I know there’s an extremely good chance that what he’s really doing is just working up the courage to break up with me. Obviously this is not the outcome I would prefer because I like him a lot and think we compliment each other very well, but I’m not naïve and knew that it could end this way. I’m wondering if anyone else has been in a similar experience and what the outcome was for them, or if anyone has any advice as to what I can do to show him that I care and that I want this relationship to work without accidentally pressuring him to make a decision or freaking him out somehow. Any tips?
Diezel Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 He's being a coward. He's forcing your hand so that YOU can break up with him rather than the other way around. The relationship is over. At this point, it's a matter of technicality.
ADF Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 You describe your relationshop as "fairly casual" and say you live in different states. That is not a formula for long-term success. Most guys in your age range are all about hooking up, ONSs, FWB and all that nonsense. They want nothing to do with real relationships. And, as Deizel points out, they tend to be pretty cowardly about telling women how they feel. This guy wants to break up, but he is trying to make the break up as easy ON HIMSELF as possible. Rather than show you a little respect and tell you it is over, he hopes to sort of drift away quietly and avoid a difficult conversation. Don't let him. Make him tell you what he is thinking. You'll feel like you got some closure, and he'll learn to man-up a little.
Author vnally Posted June 23, 2010 Author Posted June 23, 2010 So, an update: He found me online today for the first time in a couple of weeks and apologized for not talking to me lately. I asked him in it was anything he felt comfortable talking about now and he let it slip that he’s “not in a place where [he] wants a consistent relationship”. I got pretty mad that he felt this was an appropriate topic to talk about online, but I guess I shouldn’t have asked the question in the first place – I suppose I falsely assumed that if it WAS something serious that I probably wouldn’t want to hear, he’d at least have the decency to tell me to my face, but I guess not. Anyway, I did admit that though I’ve been cool with the casual way things had been going, I couldn’t guarantee that I’d be happy with this forever. That’s really all I could say, because I didn’t know how to gage his reactions and I didn’t want to flat out ask him if he wanted to ended because I absolutely did not want to be broken up with over the internet. I told him that we should hold off talking about it until Friday when I’ll be in town anyway. The thing that really bothers me is that now that I know he’s not looking for anything serious I’m starting to really think about my own expectations and I’ve realized that I don’t seem to have… well, any. I think this is one of the reasons I keep freezing up when I talk to him about this; I don’t ever know what to say because I don’t know what I want out of this relationship, and every time I try to think about the specifics I get caught up in how much I like being around him and I don’t decide on anything concrete. What sort of questions should I be asking myself about what I want? Does anyone have any advice as to how I should prepare myself for the inevitable on Friday?
Diezel Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 New York? Friday night? You could find better things to do than talk to him. So make it short and sweet. Tell him it's over and you are moving on, and then go out.
Author vnally Posted June 23, 2010 Author Posted June 23, 2010 New York? Friday night? You could find better things to do than talk to him. So make it short and sweet. Tell him it's over and you are moving on, and then go out. Look, I appreciate that you're trying to help, but I'm really confused and hurt right now and I feel like you're belittling these emotions by making my problem sound so cut and dry. I know it's a public forum and at times tough advice is useful, but in this instance I guess what I'm looking for is a little more understanding. Sorry. What I'm really asking for right now is some more serious help figuring out what I want in a relationship, not just so I can tell him so but also because I'm pretty inexperienced and don't know what kind of things I should be looking for in the future. Help?
Diezel Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 He said he doesn't want a consistent relationship. Which means he doesn't want a relationship with YOU... So why are you over-analyzing things where they stand with him. He CLEARLY stated in the most cowardly fashion (ONLINE, ffs), that he doesn't want to be with you in an exclusive relationship. I'm giving you the easy way out and you say I'm not giving you serious advice??? I just think you want to try to stick around a little longer with him. Don't base what you want in a relationship solely on what HE is saying that he wants or doesn't want. That's my whole point, but hey, if you want to stick around and try to figure out WHY he doesn't want to be with you, then be my guest. You already know what you want. You want to be in a relationship with him. He doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. How could this possibly be anymore simple than that??? How could I possibly be more understanding? I'm giving you the male perspective. It's THAT cut and dry for men. You will gain NOTHING by trying to have an extended talk with him. He seems pretty solid on his stance as to where you stand in his life. It's over. Move on.
Author vnally Posted June 23, 2010 Author Posted June 23, 2010 I suppose you're right. I think it's just the tone you're writing in; it seems extremely accusatory, like I've done something terribly wrong. If I'd asked for advice from Dan Savage I'd expect that, but I suppose maybe I was anticipating something a little more sympathetic from a website designed mostly in pink. Thanks anyway. I guess that's what I get for confiding in strangers.
blueberries Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 hey Vnally, sorry to hear you're in this type of relationship. i know it really sucks and hurts a lot when someone you like doesn't want you the way you want him...too bad he's too much of a coward to say it to your face...but he's doing this so that it's easier for him to deal with. it sounds to me like this guy is doing everything to make you break up with him...he's neglecting you, slowly backing away, giving you the cold shoulder in hopes that you'll save him the trouble by breaking it off, that way he doesn't have to do the dirty work. you said that you're inexperience, and so, in my experience, with time and more experience you will find your expectations and what you're looking for in a relationship. i remember asking myself those questions when i was younger, and no one and no single advice will give you the answer. you will find your answers as you grow and experience heartaches, fallouts, highs and lows...you will learn what you love and value, what makes a good relationship and things you can modify in yourself to make yourself happy. good luck to you. ps; you should really save yourself the trouble and headache and end it with this douchebag.
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