Yes, I left my husband!

[brokenamy]

and I am frankly not proud of it. Yes, he was overbearingly jealous and controlling, but I was a bitch to him in the end and I acted like a child the whole time we were married. I am asking for advice (again) because I really don't know what to do next.

After, I realized that I was still deeply in love with my H. I contacted him. He'd just started seeing someone (after 6 months of trying to get back together and me telling him to move on because I was done with him) who he admits is a rebound because he needed to get over me and that the only thing stopping him from getting back together is his fear that I will leave again (I'd lose a limb first)

We have gone to counseling once and it was great. we both admitted to being hurt and he admitted being angry by how I treated him (again, I was a bitch to him in the end) and also he felt abandoned. We were asked on a scale of 1-10 how committed and how much we wanted this to work. I said 10, he said 8.

We talk almost everyday and text each other a lot (he always initiates it). We have had sex a few times (I know, I am breaking the rules but since I left and want him back I just think I need to stick to this till he comes back or I am totally over him) and every time we do, he goes home with scratches all over him, bites and other marks ( sorry) and he tells me that his RB is a non issue and that he is not back home because he is afraid and scared and hurt and all the emotions he needs to get over. And I believe him because it doesn't seem like he cares that she'd see these marks on him (pathetic but it makes me happy, lol)

he texts me and says I love you, I miss you, I wanna come back to you and the kids, etc... but I can't help but think that by begging him ( I don't anymore) to take me back, I have pushed him farther away.

 

Please don't tell me to give him an ultimatum or move on. I have no right to the first one and I love my H and kid's dad. advice?

Edited June 22, 2010 by brokenamy

[brokenamy]

Come on guys. I know you saw my thread, please give mr your insight. I don't expect you all to feel sorry fir me but please you can give me insight. I love my husband very much and just want to put the pieces back together.

[SarahRose]

Are both of you in marriage counseling now?

[brokenamy]

Are both of you in marriage counseling now?

 

Yes. We've gone together and are going again this week. He keeps teling me how he loves me and every time he talks about the future, he says when we or when I come back. He claims he is confused.

[Chrome Barracuda]

If my wife acted like an azzhole and treated me like garbage and then when she finally left me, and i started to move on and see other females. Her coming back out of left field would confuse the hell outta me!

 

I mean you sound like a typical walk away life. Not happy with your life and your future but blaming him for your problems.

 

You guys are seperated and he's seeing someone else, because you left him now want him back. That would confuse anyone.

 

If you want him give him time to make that decision to come back on his own.

 

It's nice that you want to make things work but if you revert back into your own ways why would he want to come back at all...?

[hopesndreams]

We have had sex a few times (I know, I am breaking the rules but since I left and want him back I just think I need to stick to this till he comes back or I am totally over him) and every time we do, he goes home with scratches all over him, bites and other marks ( sorry)

 

And I believe him because it doesn't seem like he cares that she'd see these marks on him (pathetic but it makes me happy, lol)

 

How much fun are you having being the OW?

 

You threw your H away and now it's a competition on whether you can get him back or not.

 

And the winner is???????

[spyyder]

It's good your still having sex with him. As a guy, I know that it keeps us interested. If your not doing it at least 2-3 times a week, then I'd start doing so now.

 

As everyone has said, he is really confused. Apart from what everyone has already said, he's probably also thinking why you want him back and thinking if its worth it. He probably also remembers all the pain you put him through.

 

Its really important that you tell him (and make it very clear) why you want him back (because he's so caring, kind, ..... only mention things that are only about him) and why it's worth getting back together (your history, KIDS, etc) - explain it separately. Say that you realize the pain you caused him and that your so sorry. Finally top it off by saying that you'll willing to spend the rest of your life making up for it. I know that any guy would like a girl to tell that to him

 

If he is still trying to get over you, and admits that he's with a rebound then you definitely can get him back.

 

When you beg him to come back, I think the problem isn't how many times you ask, or what you say but HOW you say it. Try to talk relaxed, chilled out and not in a crying/sad way.

[stillafool]

So now you want him back because he is with another woman. I wouldn't trust you because probably the minute he gets rid of her you won't want him again.

[Woggle]

Quite honestly I think you only want him back because he found somebody else. Many walkaway wives can't stand the thought of a man truly moving on.

[whichwayisup]

After, I realized that I was still deeply in love with my H. I contacted him. He'd just started seeing someone (after 6 months of trying to get back together and me telling him to move on because I was done with him)

I'm with Woggle on this one. He wanted you back, you refused. Then he realized you didn't love him or want him anymore, so he found someone else. BOOM, now you want him back.

 

Seems you fell out of love with him due to his control issues and jealously, and whatever other reasons. THOSE REASONS are still there. You can love him all you want, but he is still that guy you left.

 

I don't mean to sound harsh here, but it seems like it's your ego and pride that's hurting, fact he was/is with someone else, it upset and bothered you.

 

IF you two DO work things out, are you willing to work just as hard as him to stay connected and close? Communicate, listen and respect one another? Or will you tire of him, get irritated, let resentment build up until you leave him again?

Edited June 25, 2010 by whichwayisup

[brokenamy]

Thanks Spyyder he has been spending a lot of time with mr, even took me out for my birthday for lunch and dinner. He tells me how he wants to be here 100% and when he said he hasn't been having sex with the OW I believed him because he doesn't lie and at this point doesn't have to. I never call him. He calls and texts me and always checks up

in me because he knows how hard this is and we both understand how we got here. We are in councelling and we are changing for the better.

He's saying that because he truly believed it was over, he jumped into the first girl he saw (I angrily told him to move on with sm1 else because I was done) and now he says he can't just up and leave like thank you mam and I agree. But it hurts and I am glad it does so thy when times get hard again, I remember to get us help and communicate instead of keeping it all inside.

He promises to take me to all the places hrs been to while we were separated/not talking and everything he says is about when we move back together. I am not a walkaway wife. After 3 years of pushing councelling and him getting more jealous and controlling I had to leave to have him realize his mistakes. In the process I have realized how I played a role in destroying my marriage. Thanks Spyyder and if you have any more advice, please share because I intend on fixing and making my marriage work. For good.

It's good your still having sex with him. As a guy, I know that it keeps us interested. If your not doing it at least 2-3 times a week, then I'd start doing so now.

 

As everyone has said, he is really confused. Apart from what everyone has already said, he's probably also thinking why you want him back and thinking if its worth it. He probably also remembers all the pain you put him through.

 

Its really important that you tell him (and make it very clear) why you want him back (because he's so caring, kind, ..... only mention things that are only about him) and why it's worth getting back together (your history, KIDS, etc) - explain it separately. Say that you realize the pain you caused him and that your so sorry. Finally top it off by saying that you'll willing to spend the rest of your life making up for it. I know that any guy would like a girl to tell that to him

 

If he is still trying to get over you, and admits that he's with a rebound then you definitely can get him back.

 

When you beg him to come back, I think the problem isn't how many times you ask, or what you say but HOW you say it. Try to talk relaxed, chilled out and not in a crying/sad way.

[2sure]

You are going to have to dig real deep here because it is no coincidence that your feelings for your H completely turned around after 6 months of separation when he started seeing someone else.

 

I mean, its OK. Sometimes we dont realize what we really want until the option is being taken away...but you might just be experiencing some jealousy which will pass the moment you get him back. You have to explore this.

[spyyder]

You need to understand him being jealous, and work with him to reduce it. He's been with you for so long, he felt that you two belonged to each other, which made him really uncomfortable to see you doing ANYTHING with another guy as it gives him an image of you being with someone else, which was his worst nightmare. Show him that talking to another guy is just casual talk, that you'll never want to leave him, and that you don't even look at any other guy that way because you have him.

 

My gf told me many times "why should I be interested in anyone else when I have you" which dramatically made me less jealous. Say the same thing to him. You need to make him less jealous by letting him know that he doesn't have to worry about losing you, or losing you to another guy. Say stuff like "I'd rather be single than be with someone else", "I'd die before I ever leave you again", "if we ever broke up again, it'll be because you left me", "now that I realize what I have, I'll never let you do" etc. Make him feel super confident and secure. Right now he lacks security.

 

He was being controlling because of his jealousy (I know this because I was too). Realize that if he wasn't jealous at all, then it just means he doesn't give a crap about you, so its good for him to be a little jealous. I'm sure that once he becomes less jealous, he'll no longer be so controlling.

 

My gf and I are not artists in any way and we suck at drawing BUT we love painting stuff for each other as a way to express how we feel. Paint him a small painting that shows how much you want him!

 

Painting ideas: (skip this paragraph if you don't need any!) My gf did a small A4 canvas painting of two big red hearts, touching each other with 1 in front with my first initial and 1 behind with her first initial and in the middle of the two big hearts she wrote 'together forever'. Around the hearts she painted lots of vines which (I guess) symbolised that we were bound to be together. I loved it, and I use to hug it when we were apart.

I remember I did a painting of us side by side(stick figure style) smiling on a field, holding hands. I painted a star/sparkle over where we were holding hands, and wrote 'together forever' on top of it. It did look a bit childish, but that made it seem more innocent and sincere, something I'd recommend you go for

 

As a side example: (skip this paragraph if you already get the idea!) When my gf broke up with me (before she gave me a 2nd chance), we decided to return everything we gave to each other. She was very reluctant giving back the paintings & thoughtful things I made for her but had was very happy giving back the plasma TV, Imac, etc (the expensive meaningless stuff) back. As someone who did get a 2nd chance I can really tell you that the thoughtful things really goes a long way. I only kept trying to get a 2nd chance because I knew she still wanted the paintings I did, which meant she still wanted me. I do think that the paintings I did for her was one of the reasons I got her back, and I do think that if you did some paintings for him, it would help you get him back and keep you together. Try and imagine living with him, surrounded by a few bits of art that you did for each other with love, waking up every morning either looking at him, or looking at something he did for you. Again, I'm not an artist and I can't even name more than 10 artists in the world but art is another tip on how to get him back for good.

Edited June 25, 2010 by spyyder

[brokenamy]

I see your point and I see how you understand him so well. Before I got over the anger I thought he was jealous and controlling only because he didn't want me to have family and friends buy now I understand. I truly love my husband and saying these things will come easy because I will mean them. He is the first and only man I have ever dated and been with and just today he's texted me his love and called mr 3x.

I send him pics of random moments of the kids day and pics of us in happier times. He admits that's what brought him back. I know he doesn't see me as his other woman or anything less than the one he loves but he is trying to get out of the girl's life without hurting her.

I almost lost hope but my coworker who is psychic (yes, for real) sees us getting back together for good. I believe it.

Thanks for giving me the wnefit of the doubt as far as my motives for doing this.

You need to understand him being jealous, and work with him to reduce it. He's been with you for so long, he felt that you two belonged to each other, which made him really uncomfortable to see you doing ANYTHING with another guy as it gives him an image of you being with someone else, which was his worst nightmare. Show him that talking to another guy is just casual talk, that you'll never want to leave him, and that you don't even look at any other guy that way because you have him.

 

My gf told me many times "why should I be interested in anyone else when I have you" which dramatically made me less jealous. Say the same thing to him. You need to make him less jealous by letting him know that he doesn't have to worry about losing you, or losing you to another guy. Say stuff like "I'd rather be single than be with someone else", "I'd die before I ever leave you again", "if we ever broke up again, it'll be because you left me", "now that I realize what I have, I'll never let you do" etc. Make him feel super confident and secure. Right now he lacks security.

 

He was being controlling because of his jealousy (I know this because I was too). Realize that if he wasn't jealous at all, then it just means he doesn't give a crap about you, so its good for him to be a little jealous. I'm sure that once he becomes less jealous, he'll no longer be so controlling.

 

My gf and I are not artists in any way and we suck at drawing BUT we love painting stuff for each other as a way to express how we feel. Paint him a small painting that shows how much you want him!

 

Painting ideas: (skip this paragraph if you don't need any!) My gf did a small A4 canvas painting of two big red hearts, touching each other with 1 in front with my first initial and 1 behind with her first initial and in the middle of the two big hearts she wrote 'together forever'. Around the hearts she painted lots of vines which (I guess) symbolised that we were bound to be together. I loved it, and I use to hug it when we were apart.

I remember I did a painting of us side by side(stick figure style) smiling on a field, holding hands. I painted a star/sparkle over where we were holding hands, and wrote 'together forever' on top of it. It did look a bit childish, but that made it seem more innocent and sincere, something I'd recommend you go for

 

As a side example: (skip this paragraph if you already get the idea!) When my gf broke up with me (before she gave me a 2nd chance), we decided to return everything we gave to each other. She was very reluctant giving back the paintings & thoughtful things I made for her but had was very happy giving back the plasma TV, Imac, etc (the expensive meaningless stuff) back. As someone who did get a 2nd chance I can really tell you that the thoughtful things really goes a long way. I only kept trying to get a 2nd chance because I knew she still wanted the paintings I did, which meant she still wanted me. I do think that the paintings I did for her was one of the reasons I got her back, and I do think that if you did some paintings for him, it would help you get him back and keep you together. Try and imagine living with him, surrounded by a few bits of art that you did for each other with love, waking up every morning either looking at him, or looking at something he did for you. Again, I'm not an artist and I can't even name more than 10 artists in the world but art is another tip on how to get him back for good.

[stillafool]

This guy may come back for his kids but he will not forget the OW. She has been to him what you cannot and if he really wanted to break up all he has to do is say "I've decided to go back to my ex for the kids". Simple as that! There is no reason for him to keep stinging her along if he wants to get back to you. What is he doing prolonging her pain? I don't think so. He cares a great deal for her.