Is this normal?

[bigsby2010]

My girlfriend of 10 months was away for 5 weeks doing school so we were temporarily in an LDR.

 

She thought it was okay for us to not talk much during this time, or have much affection or anything.

 

Now she's home, I went and saw her and she doesn't know if she wants to see me anymore because today was "too awkward."

 

From my point of view, she let the relationship die while she was gone, and she also met a ton of new people. It was very clear that I wasn't a priority while she was gone. Two phone calls and a scattered text was all I had, none of which showed any affection for me.

 

She seemed like a completely different person when she came home.

 

 

I knew it was going to be awkward because, well, she thought she could "pause" and "resume" the relationship. It never made any sense to me and was quite frustrating to deal with that for 5 weeks.

 

 

Her exact words after I asked her to hang out this weekend was "Today was so awkward, I need time to think about an actual night together with you" and didn't return the "I love you'" that I sent to her.

 

Do I have a point or am I seeing this all wrong? Did I screw this up somehow?

[MyNameIsJane]

If this is truly how it all went down - then no, you are not seeing anything wrong. It sounds like she went away, met a bunch of new people and had the time of her life... without you. I cannot jump and say I truly feel she cheated... but it is clear she didn't miss you - and while she may have thought she could pause and resume the relationship, it sounds like now that she is back, she isn't really wanting to resume at all.

 

I think she probably had intentions of staying with you - and she may have done things while away that changed her mind about being in a relationship... or being in one with you.

 

All I know is that I have had two different situations where I have left for a significant period of time while being in a long term relationship. One of them, I called as much as I could in the beginning.. probably every day - and toward the end it trickled to like every other day but there were still multiple texts a day. I missed him and wanted to be with him and was when I came back

 

The other time, I called a little in the beginning (probably every other day) and then as little as I could get away with in the end, never initiated text conversations and was very short in replies. I didn't miss him and I wasnt sure I wanted to be with him.

 

Even in the situation where I didn't want to be with the guy, he probably got 2 phone calls a week... you got one in 5 weeks. something is up

[MisUnderstanding]

I don't think you screwed up but it sounds like for her the relationship died even before she left. 5 weeks is only a bit over a month, it's such a short period of time, I don't see how she could've gove from everything to nothing with you. I would have a serious talk with her and if she doesn't have a really good explanation for you, I'd move on.

[bigsby2010]

This is indeed what went down, albeit I said it in as few words as possible. She called me needy when she didn't answer my text for a few days, so I completely backed off, then when I questioned how much she was into this relationship she turned it back on me and said "you don't show you care either". She told me to back off... so I did. It seems like all head games to me.

 

 

Anyway, I got no attention from her while she was gone whatsoever, and no sign of her caring at all, so I didn't initiate much.

 

The big problem here is that there is no serious communication in this relationship. Anytime I try to bring something up, she says "relationships should be easy" and she clearly becomes extremely frustrated and b*tchy when I have a concern.

 

She also lives by the motto of "live life with no regrets, I don't need to apologize to you for anything because I don't regret anything I do in my life"

 

Even the times when I knew she was wrong in a situation, she'd pull that on me, so our conversations never lead anywhere.

 

I've been trying to get out of this for a while, mainly because she has communication issues(always has to be right) and because she doesn't show she cares. There's just been something making me hold on to her and I don't know what it is.

 

When she sent me that text about today being awkward, and she had to think about if she wanted to have alone time with me it made me think maybe this is the time to end it? I don't know.

 

I want it to work but damn she makes it difficult.

 

Thanks for the replies by the way. Jane you commented on an old thread I had too about similar issues and I've read your replies to my threads over and over again, because I really think you have my girlfriends head figured out.

 

MisUnderstanding, you definitely brought that to my attention too. I was shook up the night before she left, and she seemed relieved if anything that I was leaving. I expected her to cry or something because she's an extremely emotion person, but nope. You're probabyl right and I never thought about it that way before.

[Diezel]

It doesn't matter if she cheated or not, whether she did or tried to or was entirely faithful... this relationship is over.

[MisUnderstanding]

This is indeed what went down, albeit I said it in as few words as possible. She called me needy when she didn't answer my text for a few days, so I completely backed off, then when I questioned how much she was into this relationship she turned it back on me and said "you don't show you care either". She told me to back off... so I did. It seems like all head games to me.

 

 

Anyway, I got no attention from her while she was gone whatsoever, and no sign of her caring at all, so I didn't initiate much.

 

The big problem here is that there is no serious communication in this relationship. Anytime I try to bring something up, she says "relationships should be easy" and she clearly becomes extremely frustrated and b*tchy when I have a concern.

 

She also lives by the motto of "live life with no regrets, I don't need to apologize to you for anything because I don't regret anything I do in my life"

 

Even the times when I knew she was wrong in a situation, she'd pull that on me, so our conversations never lead anywhere.

 

I've been trying to get out of this for a while, mainly because she has communication issues(always has to be right) and because she doesn't show she cares. There's just been something making me hold on to her and I don't know what it is.

 

When she sent me that text about today being awkward, and she had to think about if she wanted to have alone time with me it made me think maybe this is the time to end it? I don't know.

 

I want it to work but damn she makes it difficult.

 

Thanks for the replies by the way. Jane you commented on an old thread I had too about similar issues and I've read your replies to my threads over and over again, because I really think you have my girlfriends head figured out.

 

MisUnderstanding, you definitely brought that to my attention too. I was shook up the night before she left, and she seemed relieved if anything that I was leaving. I expected her to cry or something because she's an extremely emotion person, but nope. You're probabyl right and I never thought about it that way before.

 

Communication is the key to everything. Run and run far. She needs to grow up at the least and start taking responsibility for her actions. You are putting so much effort into being with her while she does absolutely nothing. Find yourself a good girl who will appreciate you.

[ADF]

You didn't screw up anything. What is screwed here is that your GF is hiding something from you.

 

5 weeks is not a long time. Being apart for 5 weeks doesn't even qualify as a LDR.

 

Nope, there is something else going on, and she doesn't want to fess up to what it is. I don't know what it is, either.

 

But if someone put a gun to my head and made me guess? I'd bet she's met someone else.

[impz]

You didn't screw up anything. What is screwed here is that your GF is hiding something from you.

 

5 weeks is not a long time. Being apart for 5 weeks doesn't even qualify as a LDR.

 

Nope, there is something else going on, and she doesn't want to fess up to what it is. I don't know what it is, either.

 

But if someone put a gun to my head and made me guess? I'd bet she's met someone else.

 

Exactly. If 5 weeks make her all awkward (it's not a LDR as ADF states), she PROBABLY met someone else. I bet if someone doesn't even want much contact before the LDR, she probably fell out of love with you before even this period. This is probably over. Sorry, TS.

 

You didn't screw anything up. She is just not that into you.

[bigsby2010]

Well it's good to know that I didn't screw up somehow, and although I can't really prove it I'm glad you guys can assume I put a lot of effort in for her because I truly have. I'm not saying I'm the perfect boyfriend or anything though, no ones perfect.

 

Her brothers high school graduation was tonight, and although I wasn't on good terms with her, she asked me to come.

 

I debated it, but I ended up going. I figured that her family treated me like gold, and her little brother was someone I felt had a lot in common with me so we got along real well.

 

I made the one hour drive in to attend, and I wasn't expecting much from my GF at this event, I truly went in support of her brother and her family. The whole thing made me think that her parents don't know we're on bad terms. She kept distant from me but sometimes it seemed like she'd move close to me just so no one would wonder if something was up.

 

On the drive home I cracked a few jokes and she started warming up to me and was laughing a lot, and she put her arm around me while I was driving and started running her hands through my hair. It seemed like she didn't want to get out of the car once we reached her driveway.

 

As she was about to get out though, I asked her if she could kiss me. She hesitated, shrugged, looked at her feet, and then leaned in to kiss me. She cried. I asked her if she wanted this and she again looked at her feet, hesitated, and teared up some more, then nodded yes. I said you don't seem too sure, and she again avoided eye contact, got more teary and nodded that she was sure.

 

Is this a sign of guilt? Is she afraid to tell me whatever she's hiding, if she is hiding anything?

 

I'd bet most of you think I'm crazy for even asking her to kiss me and asking her if she wants this or not. I admit, I did not have any intention of doing it until we started laughing and things seemed like they were before.

 

However, I don't forget what happened while she was away and how she under appreciated me while she was gone.

 

I just want some closure. If she's fine without me, then so be it. I guess part of me is still just itching for her to come out and say what she truly feels. Even if she does want this, I'm not sure if I could handle it or not because it seems like I'm trying so damn hard.

 

My people reading skills aren't very good, so basically I just wanted to know what you people thought of her reaction to my questions. That's all, my hopes aren't up in the slightest bit, and although it was quite a difficult moment, I feel stable.

[MisUnderstanding]

Well it's good to know that I didn't screw up somehow, and although I can't really prove it I'm glad you guys can assume I put a lot of effort in for her because I truly have. I'm not saying I'm the perfect boyfriend or anything though, no ones perfect.

 

Her brothers high school graduation was tonight, and although I wasn't on good terms with her, she asked me to come.

 

I debated it, but I ended up going. I figured that her family treated me like gold, and her little brother was someone I felt had a lot in common with me so we got along real well.

 

I made the one hour drive in to attend, and I wasn't expecting much from my GF at this event, I truly went in support of her brother and her family. The whole thing made me think that her parents don't know we're on bad terms. She kept distant from me but sometimes it seemed like she'd move close to me just so no one would wonder if something was up.

 

On the drive home I cracked a few jokes and she started warming up to me and was laughing a lot, and she put her arm around me while I was driving and started running her hands through my hair. It seemed like she didn't want to get out of the car once we reached her driveway.

 

As she was about to get out though, I asked her if she could kiss me. She hesitated, shrugged, looked at her feet, and then leaned in to kiss me. She cried. I asked her if she wanted this and she again looked at her feet, hesitated, and teared up some more, then nodded yes. I said you don't seem too sure, and she again avoided eye contact, got more teary and nodded that she was sure.

 

Is this a sign of guilt? Is she afraid to tell me whatever she's hiding, if she is hiding anything?

 

I'd bet most of you think I'm crazy for even asking her to kiss me and asking her if she wants this or not. I admit, I did not have any intention of doing it until we started laughing and things seemed like they were before.

 

However, I don't forget what happened while she was away and how she under appreciated me while she was gone.

 

I just want some closure. If she's fine without me, then so be it. I guess part of me is still just itching for her to come out and say what she truly feels. Even if she does want this, I'm not sure if I could handle it or not because it seems like I'm trying so damn hard.

 

My people reading skills aren't very good, so basically I just wanted to know what you people thought of her reaction to my questions. That's all, my hopes aren't up in the slightest bit, and although it was quite a difficult moment, I feel stable.

 

Ask her why she is like that. Based on her behavior, she just did it to avoid awkwardness of refusing it. I wouldn't jump into conclusions of someone else, but between you and her, it just doesn't look like it's there for her.

[seekandfind]

You guys really need to sit down and talk. Ask why she was so distant during the 5 weeks, and why she is acting differently now. Do you have any suspicion of her cheating? How was she acting in the weeks leading up to her trip?

[bigsby2010]

Yes MisUnderstanding I think it was to avoid the awkwardness as well. Even when the mood was good she still shrugged and seemed like she forced herself to kiss me.

 

seekandfind, I know she was extremely busy during the 5 weeks she was gone but it still wasn't an excuse (in my eyes) to completely pause the relationship and not put any effort to keep in contact with me.

 

I did try to talk to her about it a few times and came up empty-handed. Not last night, but previous times. If I asked her about her behavior change, there's a 99% chance she'd spin it back on me somehow. She'd say that we didn't talk much while she was gone because I didn't make an effort to (even though I did, however I did back off when she said at the beginning of the 5 weeks that I was being needy when she didn't reply to my text for 3 days and I got angry) . Or other times she'd say it'd be fine that we didn't talk for that long.

 

As for cheating, well, I know it's not always a good thing to assume or accuse someone of it. As for suspicions, I think it's possible. She is a little shady sometimes, and the times she doesn't want me at the bar are the times shes chasing around another dude. I know she wouldn't hook up with them, but she surely likes her attention.

 

Now, while she was away, I believe MyNameIsJane's interpretation. She met a lot of people, and by a lot I mean she added ~100 to facebook. Probably 40-50% were guys, she was drunk fairly regularly (3 times/week) to the point of not remembering anything, so anythings possible. She always told me she was against cheating ( she's been cheated on in the past ) but one of her best friends before told me that she's sure she cheated on her ex but she'd never admit to it.

 

So I'm not sure, even if she did cheat I'd have not much way of proving it. The weeks leading up to her going away for 5 weeks were fine ( I thought ). We had just come back from a 16 day stay in Europe as part of a larger group.

Edited June 25, 2010 by bigsby2010

[Diezel]

This relationship is DOOMED.

 

You will forever have the DOUBTS in your mind as to whether she cheated or not. That alone will forever cast a shadow over the relationship that you will never recover from.

 

You said you need closure.

Closure from WHAT?

 

She showed you by her ACTIONS that she is distant from you. The fact that you even HAVE to ASK for a kiss is bad in itself. It shows neediness and desperation on you're behalf.

 

She just came back from 5 weeks away from you?

I'm sorry, but if my g/f came back after 5 weeks of missing me, I'd have to ask her to STOP kissing me so much.

 

 

BTW, high quality girl you got there. Getting drunk to the point of passing out 3 times a week while she's away from her boyfriend and at the same time adding 50 guys to her facebook.

 

Real keeper.

[make me believe]

Nobody who is happy in their relationship wants to put it on pause for five weeks. That just doesn't happen. She wanted to "pause" your relationship so she could do whatever she wanted while she was away and not feel guilty about it. And judging by her actions since she got back, she certainly did do whatever she wanted! I would be shocked if she didn't cheat on you. Sorry.

[bigsby2010]

I agree, and you're right, I shouldn't have had to ask for a kiss. I moreso said it to put her on the spot and reveal her true feelings, since communicating with her has not ever produced anything positive in the past.

 

I know, I'm used to relationships where I'm missed when we have time apart, and I stuck through the five weeks with her and tried to keep my cool because I just figured she was having fun and being independent, so I tried to be cool with that. But it seems like she may have had more fun than I thought. She didn't really update me about anything that went on during those 5 weeks she was gone away for school for other than the fact that it was one big party.

 

Diezel your last statement really made me open my eyes up man. I'm gonna read it over and over again. She makes me feel like she does nothing wrong and it causes me to introspect a lot and figure out why I have a problem with the stuff she does.

 

make me believe, yeah she defintely did do whatever she wanted, and I had to hear about it, it was all I heard about from her. How she'd go out on a party 3 times a week, how she woke up not knowing where she was, and not knowing where half her stuff went. She thought I'd be proud of her for some reason. BUt as a dude who loves her and was miles away from her for 5 weeks, it was a rough time.

 

And to think after all this I'm still here trying to make it work

 

She probably did cheat. Actually, I'm just gonna assume she did. I'm not gonna question her about it because I'm not gonna get any answers.

 

You guys are right and this is my first time dating what I'd consider a party animal who likes the idea of a relationship but clearly doesn't want to be in one. Don't get me wrong, I don't consider myself boring by no means, I drink and like drinking, and I'll try anything once, I just have boundaries and respect I guess. But maybe that's boring to her.

 

I start my thesis in the fall, I gotta make sure somethings done and done soon. I can't piss away my life because of this.

 

Thanks for the replies guys, I still wake up most days unhappy, although it's been improving a little. This sites givin me a lot of perspective and has shown me that it's not me with all the problems and that other people would have issues with her actions too.

Edited June 25, 2010 by bigsby2010

[BS76]

My girlfriend of 10 months was away for 5 weeks doing school so we were temporarily in an LDR.

 

She thought it was okay for us to not talk much during this time, or have much affection or anything.

 

Now she's home, I went and saw her and she doesn't know if she wants to see me anymore because today was "too awkward."

 

From my point of view, she let the relationship die while she was gone, and she also met a ton of new people. It was very clear that I wasn't a priority while she was gone. Two phone calls and a scattered text was all I had, none of which showed any affection for me.

 

She seemed like a completely different person when she came home.

 

 

I knew it was going to be awkward because, well, she thought she could "pause" and "resume" the relationship. It never made any sense to me and was quite frustrating to deal with that for 5 weeks.

 

 

Her exact words after I asked her to hang out this weekend was "Today was so awkward, I need time to think about an actual night together with you" and didn't return the "I love you'" that I sent to her.

 

Do I have a point or am I seeing this all wrong? Did I screw this up somehow?

 

Relationship is done. She either met a guy and got her thinking about her options (grass is greener) or already messed around with someone and wants to break it off with you to keep it going. Either way you need walk away.

 

Best thing you can do is walk away and start seeing other girls as soon as possible.

[hopesndreams]

She thought it was okay for us to not talk much during this time, or have much affection or anything.

 

Red flag!!!

 

she also met a ton of new people

 

Hello???????? Anybody home?

 

Did I screw this up somehow?

 

You didn't screw up. She's found someone new and didn't bother to tell you just in case the new guy didn't work out.

[BS76]

You didn't screw up. She's found someone new and didn't bother to tell you just in case the new guy didn't work out.

 

 

Eggzackery!

[bigsby2010]

True, even if she found a new guy though he wouldn't be able to become a replacement because she was only temporarily away at that school for those 5 weeks and everyone she would have met lives thousands of miles away, some even in different countries.

 

Maybe that's another reason why it's getting to me so much, she went away for 5 weeks and cheated on me with someone she'll likely never see again. Or she met a guy she's interested in but they likely have no chance at a future.

 

I guess I just expected more from her after having gone out with her for 10 months and she was talking about moving in with me not long ago.

 

She hasn't initiated contact since that moment we had in my car on Thursday night.

 

I told myself I'll give her till Sunday to do something about it, I laid everything I had on the line. But I'm pretty sure it'll still be the same silence till then. Do you guys think this approach is ok? I think I've shown my efforts so she can't throw the "YOU DON'T EVEN TRY FOR ME" crap or something of the sorts. I'm not gonna go send her flowers and pamper her (she actually expected this when she got home from her trip and tried to guilt trip me after blowing me off for weeks.)

 

I've also noticed lately she's continuously trying to make me jealous. She knows what I like and don't like, and lately it seems like she's going out of her way to rub the stuff that I don't like in my face.

Edited June 26, 2010 by bigsby2010

[Diezel]

Just break up with her.

Stop playing mind games on yourself.

 

This relationship is over so there is no need to indulge yourself in mental scenarios.

 

Just call her, tell her it's over or tell her in person, or whatever.

 

BUT... IT'S... OVER.

[bigsby2010]

You're right diezel. Thanks for all the help guys, hopefully I can get through this and over this quickly.