My husband is a compulsive liar

[Lonestar]

I can't take it anymore. It's been 4 years of promises not to lie again, but all I get are half truths and made up stories. It's tearing me apart inside and I don't know what to do. I've lost all trust and I've become a private detective. Every lie hurts more than the last. What's left when you can't even trust anymore? I've forgiven him so many times and believed his promises not to lie anymore but he can't stop. He's a good man, a good provider, a good father, and treats me great except for the lies. We fight about it all the time because I can't trust him. I can't believe one word that comes out of his mouth. At this point, I don't even want him to touch me anymore. I'm afraid he cheated on me too but he denies it. How can you be intimate with someone who lies all the time? He's always sorry when he gets caught and promises never to do it again, but not less than a month later, I find another lie or something he's hiding. I just don't know what to do anymore.

[Art_Critic]

Hi lonestar..

I'm sorry that you are at your wits end.. it is easy to get there when dealing with people who you love but don't tell the truth.

 

 

My Dad was a compulsive liar and believed the stories and things he would say to people.

I think sometimes that he didn't actually know what telling the truth was.. every story had to be embellished or created.

 

When he did tell the truth it didn't remain that way for long.. a year later the story didn't look like it began.

 

He died that way.. we as a family learned that he was never going to change and just let it go..

When he would tell a story or lie we would all just go.. oh yeah.. etc etc ..

 

He lied about his affairs and his GF's.. even on his deathbed his mistress was visiting him in the hospital on the hours my step mother wasn't at the hospital and the nurses told her but he denied it..

 

The only thing I could say is that he did get better with his lying when he went into therapy... but that only lasted a year or so till he got sick..

 

Does he admit that he has trouble telling the truth ?

Will he go to therapy ?

 

I remember when you guys met..from what I remember he loves you like crazy, I'm sure that he still does..

Can you get him into some kind of couples therapy and confront him in front of a 3rd party ?

[Lonestar]

Thanks Art. He admits he can't tell the trurth and has been saying that for years. We've been to 4 different therapists and nothing has changed. In fact, one of the things he did behind my back and hid from me happened when we were actually seeing a therapist. He said he would go to one, but the last time he went alone he blamed it all on me. The funny thing is he lies to everyone. I don't even trust him getting therapy. It's obvious to me at this point its an addiction. I pride myself on honesty. I don't lie or keep things from people I love. I couldn't do it and look in the mirror.

He keeps saying how truly sorry he is, but I've heard it all before and now his anger is coming out and he's focusing on what he lied about and saying it wasn't that bad what he did instead of realizing that it's the lie that hurts so much. He does that all the time.

[Art_Critic]

Sounds like you have been thru the wringer..

 

Are you saying you can't live like this anymore ?

If he has tried therapy and it has failed.. what do the therapist recommend for you ?

[Lonestar]

I haven't seen a therapist since the last time we went to counseling 4 months ago. Yeah, I'm at my wits end. I can't live like this.

[Iconoclast]

Sorry.

 

I hate sorry.

 

I like remorse. Remorse is taking ownership, taking action. He won't stop until he knows what consequences are. Like losing someone you love.

 

It's your move.

[whichwayisup]

I can't take it anymore. It's been 4 years of promises not to lie again, but all I get are half truths and made up stories. It's tearing me apart inside and I don't know what to do. I've lost all trust and I've become a private detective. Every lie hurts more than the last. What's left when you can't even trust anymore? I've forgiven him so many times and believed his promises not to lie anymore but he can't stop. He's a good man, a good provider, a good father, and treats me great except for the lies. We fight about it all the time because I can't trust him. I can't believe one word that comes out of his mouth. At this point, I don't even want him to touch me anymore. I'm afraid he cheated on me too but he denies it. How can you be intimate with someone who lies all the time? He's always sorry when he gets caught and promises never to do it again, but not less than a month later, I find another lie or something he's hiding. I just don't know what to do anymore.

 

Hi gorgeous, I miss you..Sad to see you posting here but also happy that you've come back for support.

 

It hurts me to read this. The love is there but there's not trust.. You can't stay with someone you can't trust no matter how much you love them.

 

Forever always wondering and living in fear, worry.. Not a healthy way to live.

 

Sorry that you're going through this, lots of hugs..

[Lonestar]

WWIU, I missed you! You're so right which is exacxty how I feel. There's nothing without tust.....

[whichwayisup]

WWIU, I missed you! You're so right which is exacxty how I feel. There's nothing without tust.....

 

Have you thought about going back to therapy?

 

tust

 

what's that?

[jnsac23]

Hi, Im going through the same thing. My husband is cheating too and lies about everything! He denies everything and can't tell the truth even when he's faced with the evidence right in front of him. He's a dam liar!! I feel for you. Im beginning to hate my husband too because how he makes me feel. He tries to make me sound crazy because I confront him with his cheating and he doesn't like it.

 

He even tried to tell me that if we divorced that no judge would grant me the kids because I was delusional. I think that its just all scare tatics because Im a stay at home mom and he thinks I wouldn't know what to do without him.

 

He makes me sick!!!

[Art_Critic]

I haven't seen a therapist since the last time we went to counseling 4 months ago. Yeah, I'm at my wits end. I can't live like this.

 

I ran across this webpage truthaboutdeception . com

It seems like something that might help you or give you some ways to cope.

 

I think it comes down to how much you can handle..

If you can't handle him telling anymore lies then you have to look at the possibility of removing yourself from the situation.

 

By the sound of it he isn't going to stop lying and even if he gets help he will most likely still lie some and then you will be on guard all the time wondering if what he just told you was a lie or not..

 

Without him coming clean and getting help there isn't anything you can do to change him.

 

Does he understand that your marriage is sitting in the balance of the lying and trust issues ?

[whichwayisup]

You sound very co-dependent. I would suggest individual therapy to help you decide what you want to do in response to this difficult situation. Namely whether the relationship needs to end, and if so, how, because your husband will not change.

 

Huh? I understand the therapy part so she can cope with this and come to some sort of a decision but you lost me about the co dependency. How do you perceive that from what she's said?

[amandabbb]

lonestar-i feel for you. i am also married to a compulsive liar and trying to sort out whether or not it's worth giving it another shot.we have been together 8 yrs, married almost 6 and most of that i've had problems with him lying or being dishonest in some way. we have soon to be 3 kids together so i want nothing more than to make it work with him but he makes it so impossible.

[Lonestar]

I ran across this webpage truthaboutdeception . com

It seems like something that might help you or give you some ways to cope.

 

I think it comes down to how much you can handle..

If you can't handle him telling anymore lies then you have to look at the possibility of removing yourself from the situation.

 

By the sound of it he isn't going to stop lying and even if he gets help he will most likely still lie some and then you will be on guard all the time wondering if what he just told you was a lie or not..

 

Without him coming clean and getting help there isn't anything you can do to change him.

 

Does he understand that your marriage is sitting in the balance of the lying and trust issues ?

 

Thanks Art, I've read that site a dozen times. I found it about 2 years ago. I'm no sure what he understands. He tells me I'm a bad person because I'm angry, but I'm angry all the time because of his lies. He's gone. We had a huge fight and I told him to get out. He made one lousy call to a therapist today at the end of the day. He had the whole day and a list of therapists that take his insurance, but he only made one phone call. That doesn't seem like someone whose main concern is to get help. It's all for show. He's full of crap as far as I'm concerned. So now he went to a hotel, I guess.

[whichwayisup]

Ouch..

 

His problem is going to take a long time to fix, that is, if he wants to. Question is, how many times can you go through this? And, even if he goes, tries to work on himself, make some changes, is it possible that he'll just stop?

 

Maybe he needs to lose (you) and suffer some consqences, hit his rock bottom before he does get help and sticks with it.

 

You are not a bad person, yes you're angry and frustrated but that doesn't make you a bad person. He isn't a bad person either, he has a problem, and I doubt it's a learned behaviour, it's more than likely some kind of disorder or something he was born with.

 

Hugs..

[Lonestar]

Have you thought about going back to therapy?

 

 

 

what's that?

 

 

Sorry, I had a few drinks last night to numb the pain of feeling like a fool. I tried really hard not to type anything wrong

 

I've been in therapy over this before and it always comes down to the same thing - I have to make a decision to stay or go. I didn't want to bail to quick. I believe that people can change and for the sake of our family, I have to know that I tried everything and didn't give up too soon. There are kids involved. This also affects them. He's out now in a hotel. The things he said tonight just confirmed to me that he's still in denial so I told him to get out.

[Lonestar]

Ouch..

 

His problem is going to take a long time to fix, that is, if he wants to. Question is, how many times can you go through this? And, even if he goes, tries to work on himself, make some changes, is it possible that he'll just stop?

 

Maybe he needs to lose (you) and suffer some consqences, hit his rock bottom before he does get help and sticks with it.

 

You are not a bad person, yes you're angry and frustrated but that doesn't make you a bad person. He isn't a bad person either, he has a problem, and I doubt it's a learned behaviour, it's more than likely some kind of disorder or something he was born with.

 

Hugs..

 

Hugs back. Is there a drug that cures lying?

[whichwayisup]

Hugs back. Is there a drug that cures lying?

 

Maybe there is, if it's a disorder. I don't know..

 

I hope he can change, he should be doing his best for you, for the kids sake too.. But, what if he can't and this is it?

[Lonestar]

Hi, Im going through the same thing. My husband is cheating too and lies about everything! He denies everything and can't tell the truth even when he's faced with the evidence right in front of him. He's a dam liar!! I feel for you. Im beginning to hate my husband too because how he makes me feel. He tries to make me sound crazy because I confront him with his cheating and he doesn't like it.

 

He even tried to tell me that if we divorced that no judge would grant me the kids because I was delusional. I think that its just all scare tatics because Im a stay at home mom and he thinks I wouldn't know what to do without him.

 

He makes me sick!!!

 

jnsac23 - I know your pain. How can you continue to love someone when you don't trust what they're doing, where they are, and one word that comes out of their mouth. He lies to everyone, not just me, but his regular excuse for lying is that he's afraid to tell me the truth. I always say back "why do you keep choosing to do things you are then afraid to tell the truth about?" but something blocks him from seeing this. I hear him lie to customers and employees every day. He once lied to people about the year of his car. I guess it made him look better if it was a newer model. Go figure.

[Lonestar]

Maybe there is, if it's a disorder. I don't know..

 

I hope he can change, he should be doing his best for you, for the kids sake too.. But, what if he can't and this is it?

 

Then I guess I'll have to file for divorce. Now he's telling me that its wrong for me to leave someone who has a problem and would I leave him if he had cancer. I get the guilt trips all the time. Right now my decision is to separate. He needs help and I suppose I can make a couple visits to a therapist too to sort things out, but I don't believe he really wants help so I have to see it to believe it. That other poster was right about me reinforcing his behavior by continuing to forgive him.

[Lonestar]

 

 

 

Lonestar's h is a sociopath. Maybe he is superficially charming, many sociopaths are. Maybe there was a sexual attraction, ditto. We know he's a "good provider" so kaching.

 

She has to leave. Her h is dangerous.

 

So kaching? Wow that was ridiculous for you to say. I'm fully capable of supporting myself and have a college degree. I have my own income and could leave tomorow. We are a blended family so we have no children together, but he is a good father. All our kids love him. He is attentive, caring, fun, will do anything asked of him, and works his ass off. He is not a sociopath. That's almost comical you said that, but he is a liar. You made a lot of good points in your first post that I now have to take with grain of salt after your last post that pushed it to the extreme, especially since I didn't post much in the way of details. I never said he cheated but yeah I do suspect it. When someone you love lies to you over and over you start to question everything and your world becomes an unknown. My husband has tried to change over the years. I've seen him try, but because lying is an addiction to him, he falls back into it very easliy. Many of the lies he's told are to make himself look better as a person, which leads me to believe that he has a lot of insecurities he needs to work on.

 

If he wasn't a liar, he would be the perfect husband for me, but I can't love someone without trust. It's impossible for me. I've tried and all I find is that I'm hurt and angry. He has so many great qualities that have caused me to stay this long hoping that the lies would stop. Not all liars are bad, evil people. Some are just sick and need help. Whether or not they get that help is up to them. He told me today that he has a therapy appointment, and I told him that I still want a separation because I don't trust that he really wants help and I need to see it first. If he serious about changing then at some point I'll see the therapist with him to find out just how honest he's being about all the lies. Hopefully, he won't minimize it.

 

I can't live with him much longer like this, so if I have to leave I will, but at least I'll know that I gave it every shot I could, but I'd never think of him or portay him as an evil sociopath bad father/person.

[Gold Pile]

Setting aside my joy that a local babe might be back in the dating game...

 

Sorry to hear the troubles. I know this is so easy to say but the sooner you start the painful dumping process, the sooner you'll be past the pain and ready life's next (hopefully pleasant) next adventure.

 

I know you know this, time does reduce the pain.

[jnsac23]

Hi Lonestar

 

Its very hard to leave the compulsive liar especially when they do what they do best and tell you that they would never cheat on you and that they love you! My husband swore on my life, his mother and my kids lives that he's not cheating despite all the phone numbers on cell phone bill, the call that got from a girl, the porn I found on my computer, the emails, yahoo messenging, etc. He's sick!

 

Now all my daughters see is Mommy bugging the crap out of their father and him crying because he's getting caught and saying he's not doing anything. My daughters are crying and telling me how come I won't leave daddy alone? Why am I trying to break up the family? So you see, they are good at what they do. Now Im the villain. He can turn the waterworks on and off when he needs them.

[Lonestar]

You seriously have nothing better to do than to pick apart everything I said? LOL Ok, that's fine if it makes you feel better, but I posted here for some help and advice from old friends and not to be forced into someone else's opinions or put down and challenged on every word I typed. You don't live my life, so it's a little crazy to pretend to be an expert on it. I will not defend my husband's lies, but I will defend the other things you said. Sorry, but I can't agree with you. Your post is not helpful. Makes me want to slap you silly If you don't mind, please refrain from commenting on my post anymore. I prefer to work this out in my heart and head without being attacked for being in what you think is stupid denial. Jeez.

[Gold Pile]

I can't beleive how much wellbelieveit over does it. But I subscribe to the idea that hubby has a HUGE character flaw, one that negates his so called good qualities.

 

Could I take that slapping silly? Sounds kinky:love:

Edited June 23, 2010 by Gold Pile