pureinheart Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 Think I was TJing previously. So, if you 'know' (are told in no uncertain terms) that the M is dead as a corpse in a B movie, should you (the AP) feel the moral guilt that an A would would normally bring? Like, any hurt after DDay (for BS) is waking up hurt, and you (BS) have already said you'd leave him given the chance of love, before you thought he may leave you? I think the BSs concerned don't remember how much they hated their MP pre-A, or were indifferent or whatever. I think power is important here. When their power was unquestioned, they (the BS) were happy to say they never loved. When the power of their position is called into question, it's all 'I've always loved him'. I've talked to many wonderful BSs here. But I am feeling bad about my particular circumstance. He broke my heart, so allow this without bashing! I've seen this many times...and yes for the mostpart it can be all about power/control. Actually the power is turned into a state of brokenness and this is the worst possible senerio. To regain power a type of humility (it is false though) must take place. Once the dust has settled, power/control is regained, everyone returns to their proper roles...thus the cycle repeats itself...much like ground hog day. It does take both parties to play this game...I've been the recipient then learned how to play, it is horrible and extremely abusive. I remember laying on the bathroom floor crying, begging God to release me...He answered and H finally left for another. WW, your time will come to find peace about this matter...it reminds me of my own sitch also with exDM...I am sure this is what took place in their M, based on what I was being told by him and many others. Then they all turned on me, hummm I guess the mob effect was better for them, to have someone to blame rather than looking at their own extremely unheathy sitch. Well, after I left the scene, there was no one to blame...just themselves in the mirror.
Snowflower Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 For some indefinable reason this is the thread I have started that has instigated the most compassionate responses in my time on LS. It must have spoken of the multiway hurt best. When I wrote it I thought it would get the most bashing. I was scared! Despite what I was told by BS/herWS, I feel silly now that I didn't see the importance of M in the minds and lives of people who decried those Ms in talk. I judged it by how I would talk. I feel xMOM and his BS felt love for one another. I am very sorry they did not see that at the time. Because it made me invest in a R in a way I should not have. I guess in an A that doesn't work out, it's partly about recognising what you were told was not true. For all parties. The replies on this thread have been nothing short of fantastic, shared pain, experience, wisdom, understanding. I'm so glad that you found the replies helpful! We're all a bunch of strangers here but sometimes those anonymous replies from someone else who has been a similar situation-are of the most benefit! Hope you're feeling better, WW! My H went around telling people in his family, and his close friends that we were over, about 6-8 months before DDay. I remember seeing a wedding invite in the mail to his neice's wedding, only inviting him. I noticed mutual friends avoiding "us", and only welcoming him to their home. I asked him why I hadn't been included (pre-dday), and he replied that it was an issue of finances, or just timing and distance. He made me feel as if I were paranoid or imagining slights of propriety that weren't there. All the while, he initiated and orchestrated the whole thing, telling people that we had mutually come to a decision to end, but that they shouldn't mention it to me because I was still "sensitive" about the whole thing. It hurt me that he thought we were through; we had never even had a conversation, or any conflict-until I initiated it close to dday... I can't understand that mindset and I never will...he was unwilling to share his feelings with me. I'm not difficult to approach, and I am very sensitive to people. If you had asked me at that time if I loved him; I probably would have said "I don't know", but I would have meant "not in the same way I did". He would have (and did) say the same. Long term relationships are very intricate and much more intimate than most people think; even those involved in them. So I guess you can see now how people can manipulate their circumstances...And say things honestly from the heart that may be in the moment, but not quite the whole picture. Dang, I feel like a fool now... Oh geez, Datura. Your post about made me cry. It really explained my situation with my husband for the most part. It was so confusing...he was telling everyone (friends, family) that "Snowflower and I just aren't working out." But he had barely had a conversation with ME about this. It was like he was making all these huge decisions without even giving me a clue as to why. Like you mention, I'll never understand that mindset either. Don't feel like a fool, Datura although I understand. Thank you, thank you, thank you, for writing this post, Datura. I'm not sure what it is about what you wrote here but it helps me understand. Wheelwright...see how confusing it is even for the spouses involved? Relationships are intricate. But I do empathize with your confusion when you thought their marriage was one thing (dead and nearly buried) and then it ended up not being so. Like I said, I felt confusion too...when I thought my marriage was one way and then it wasn't. ((hugs to all))
NoIDidn't Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 My H went around telling people in his family, and his close friends that we were over, about 6-8 months before DDay. I remember seeing a wedding invite in the mail to his neice's wedding, only inviting him. I noticed mutual friends avoiding "us", and only welcoming him to their home. I asked him why I hadn't been included (pre-dday), and he replied that it was an issue of finances, or just timing and distance. He made me feel as if I were paranoid or imagining slights of propriety that weren't there. All the while, he initiated and orchestrated the whole thing, telling people that we had mutually come to a decision to end, but that they shouldn't mention it to me because I was still "sensitive" about the whole thing. It hurt me that he thought we were through; we had never even had a conversation, or any conflict-until I initiated it close to dday... I can't understand that mindset and I never will...he was unwilling to share his feelings with me. I'm not difficult to approach, and I am very sensitive to people. If you had asked me at that time if I loved him; I probably would have said "I don't know", but I would have meant "not in the same way I did". He would have (and did) say the same. Long term relationships are very intricate and much more intimate than most people think; even those involved in them. So I guess you can see now how people can manipulate their circumstances...And say things honestly from the heart that may be in the moment, but not quite the whole picture. Dang, I feel like a fool now... Damn, my situation was similar - but I was asking questions of him AND the family and friends that I thought were acting hinky. Come to find out, he was telling them he wasn't sure about the marriage - while telling me we were going through a phase. I didn't buy his "phase" deal, but still stayed to see where things were going. I loved him, but I was not feeling that love or "in love" with him anymore. I was fine with not feeling "in love", but not being able to summon up compassion was troubling for me. And like you, it just was before D-day that we had a more in-depth conversation. These guys are really clueless as to how these "talks" almost always lead to them being busted in an A a few days later. Thank goodness he learned how to communicate with me since then.
2sure Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 I think the BSs concerned don't remember how much they hated their MP pre-A, or were indifferent or whatever. I think power is important here. When their power was unquestioned, they (the BS) were happy to say they never loved. When the power of their position is called into question, it's all 'I've always loved him'. When infidelity occurs it seems like this is usually the case upon D-Day. And its no surprise. A lot of times a marriage( or life )in trouble doesnt change until a crisis occurs. People dont realize how much they want something until they almost lose it. And this is not confined to BS on D-Day - at all. The WS is just as often the one who changes their feelings or tune when they are discovered having an A. Suddenly, the marriage they were so unhappy with ...is something they want to hang onto no matter what.
Spark1111 Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 My H went around telling people in his family, and his close friends that we were over, about 6-8 months before DDay. I remember seeing a wedding invite in the mail to his neice's wedding, only inviting him. I noticed mutual friends avoiding "us", and only welcoming him to their home. I asked him why I hadn't been included (pre-dday), and he replied that it was an issue of finances, or just timing and distance. He made me feel as if I were paranoid or imagining slights of propriety that weren't there. All the while, he initiated and orchestrated the whole thing, telling people that we had mutually come to a decision to end, but that they shouldn't mention it to me because I was still "sensitive" about the whole thing. It hurt me that he thought we were through; we had never even had a conversation, or any conflict-until I initiated it close to dday... I can't understand that mindset and I never will...he was unwilling to share his feelings with me. I'm not difficult to approach, and I am very sensitive to people. If you had asked me at that time if I loved him; I probably would have said "I don't know", but I would have meant "not in the same way I did". He would have (and did) say the same. Long term relationships are very intricate and much more intimate than most people think; even those involved in them. So I guess you can see now how people can manipulate their circumstances...And say things honestly from the heart that may be in the moment, but not quite the whole picture. Dang, I feel like a fool now... Wow! Great post, DN! This was my situation also, but who knew? Not me. He had been speaking to his sister and she advised him to seek counseling and make lists to find the guidance he needed to make a decision whether to divorce me or not. Who knew? Certainly not me. And you, NID, SF all support the theory that the WS has emotionally checked out of their marriage way before they crash into their affair partner! Too bad they neglected to tell their spouse! Cowardly, cowardly, cowardly. When he was attempting to reconcile with this crazy and enraged hornet (Me), I told him, "Don't you ever make a list to convince yourself I'm the better choice. Either you love and accept me unconditionally, or you are free to go get her!" I think I threw him out over the discovery of the list-making, again.
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