shadowplay Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 As I've mentioned on LS, I'm looking for a new place to live (a room in a shared household since I'm a broke student). I've been looking since late April, but still haven't found anything. There aren't many places available at the moment, and the ones I checked out at so far were sub par. Anyway, I definitely will be able to find a new place by Sept. 1, because a lot is always up later in the summer, but it's looking like I'll probably be spending the summer where I'm living now. I'm trying to make it as problem free as possible. I have a non lease agreement (month by month) with a middle aged lady. I live in one of her spare rooms in her tiny house. It's a pretty miserable arrangement for various reasons. I can't use the living room. She never told me this, but it's kind of an unspoken thing. She takes it over and spends all her time there, even usually sleeps in there instead of her bedroom. So I'm sort of trapped in my room when I'm home. When I was with my ex, things were OK because I wasn't home as much. But now that I'm here every night, problems are starting to arise. First we NEVER talk. We rarely talked before because we're both a bit antisocial/shy, but it's gotten to the point where she only communicates with me in notes left around the house. Also, when I was in my relationship, I rarely did chores around the house. It was partly the fact that I was almost never home, but also because of some bad habits I've always had. This is one of the things I've been working on since the break up. I've made a point of doing more chores around the house (including cleaning her dirty dishes). I feel like it's the least I can do. But the irony is she's upped the passive aggressiveness since I started doing more. I don't know if they're related, or it's just the fact that I'm around more. But it's starting to make me really anxious whenever she's home. She frequently leaves me notes about things I need to do differently. Her refrigerator door has a problem where it often doesn't close completely if you don't shut it just the right way. She left me a note the other day that says she keeps finding it open. The way the note was written wasn't even nice, it was kind of aggressive in all caps without a "thanks" or anything at the end. After seeing the note, I made extra sure to shut it well, but I guess I must have messed up once because later that night there was an addition to the note that read she found it open again. This one had a thanks at the end, but it sill made me uncomfortable. The other thing that makes me really tense is she SLAMS all the doors in the house, and it's gotten a lot worse I think. Every time I hear it, I jump a little and it feels like a reminder that she doesn't like me. It makes me feel awful that I'm trying so hard to be a good housemate, and she seems to keep getting worse and worse. Also, on the rare occasions that she needs to talk to me immediately and can't leave a note (like someone is at the door for me), she sort of yells my name in a rude way. I don't want to confront her, partly because I'm sure she has a huge list of grievances (probably some of them legit, since I was a poor housemate about chores and stuff when I was with my ex), and I know hearing them will just make me more uncomfortable. I don't want to really open that can of worms. I can imagine her being kind of nasty about it too. Is there some way of easing tensions without having a confrontation?
kdark Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 I used to have this same problem with my old roommate. He had a lot of nasty habits, like instead of taking out the garbage, he would just put it in our outside closet, until it got filled up with garbage, and then the rats moved in... Honestly, the best thing I did was confront him about it. Not only did it change the behavior at least temporarily, I felt proud of myself for setting boundaries and standing up for myself. My roommate also dominated the living room, and what I would do is go out in the living room and eat my meals out there, and talk with him for a little bit. Just some small talk, "How was your day?" "How is life?" kinda stuff. That way if he had an issue with me, he could bring it up with me then, and not have to do some passive aggressive thing later. He also had my phone number, and we would text each other about rent, utilities, etc. That stuff worked for me. Well, it didn't fix everything, but it at least made things bearable.
Els Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 I honestly don't understand why you feel so guilty about not having done chores in the past if you weren't even around most of the time? If you don't produce dirty dishes, you don't owe it to her to wash any. If you don't use the shared toilet, you don't contribute anything to its messiness.
Ariadne Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 Is there some way of easing tensions without having a confrontation? Sounds like a very tense situation Shadow. Why can't you go live with your parents since you are not in school now?
Author shadowplay Posted June 22, 2010 Author Posted June 22, 2010 Sounds like a very tense situation Shadow. Why can't you go live with your parents since you are not in school now? I'd rather walk on hot coals. No but seriously, I'm trying to establish some connections in town this summer (friends and otherwise) and get a job, so it makes more sense for me to stay put.
Green Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 I think you need to sit down and have a talk with her. Flat out ask her to stop slamming doors and leaving notes for you. I don't think there is much you can do a about the living room thing. Is there any way you can sit out there with her? Oh and as for your looking for a new room mate did you ever consider getting your own 2 bed apt at a place you like and then putting an add for room mates and letting the people COME TO YOU.
Author shadowplay Posted June 22, 2010 Author Posted June 22, 2010 This is too much. Last night at 2 in the morning she started slamming doors again when she went between her room and the bathroom. Should I leave her a note about it? I'm really afraid of confronting her.
Author shadowplay Posted June 23, 2010 Author Posted June 23, 2010 Finally, after 2+ months of searching found a NEW PLACE TO LIVE tonight with awesome roommates!!! Not only that, but it's cheaper than my current place and in a much better location (right in the center of town). I move in a week. :bunny:
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