LauraPV Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 Hi all, I'm new here so I'll start from the beginning. I have been dating my current boyfriend for almost 3 years (I know I'm posting in the infidelity section and I really should be posting in the cheating section but I figured I'd get more wisdom here) We are both still fairly young (23) and we met in college. Awhile back I found out that he spent 6 months cheating on me with another woman. The affair was mostly emotional and it came at a time when I was very sick (mentally ill) and couldn't give him the things he needed to have a happy healthy relationship. I was pretty much bedridden and not very pleasant for a long time and there was doubt that I would ever get better. My doctors all teamed up and got me back on my feet again! Once I got better, he broke it off with her because according to him he realized that "things could get better". A few days later, I found his break-up email to her on his computer along with a record of pretty much everything. He claims that he still loves me and spent weeks begging for me to take him back. I was in complete and utter shock for a long time because this guy is really not the type. He claims that the A was the result of his not knowing if I would ever get better and just giving up on me but not having the heart to break up with me because of the state I was in. I realize that this means he didn't respect me, probably didn't love me at the time, and is probably a slimeball but I stayed with him because I love him and, like I said, he's really not the type. He got himself into therapy and is getting on anti-depressants (he needs them for other reasons), gave me ALL of his digital passwords and compiles frequent computer history reports. He was tested for STDs and is still willing to pay for couples therapy. I can even see where he is via GPS tracker 24 hours a day. He has done all of this, plus answered my questions cheerfully and with no resentment. My parents still love him and they chalk it up to him being young, stupid, and inexperienced. I'm pretty sure that with a little more time and a lot of honesty, I can forgive him. I really have no clue why but now he's started talking about marriage. Not much time has passed since I found out about the affair but our relationship has been steady since I decided to get back together with him. He claims that his time with the other woman made him 100% sure about me and that he doesn't want anyone else. He says that now that he knows I can get better from my illness, he's sure he can stick by me if I have a relapse. He also says that despite wanting to really badly, he won't propose until I tell him I'm ready. I don't really want more surprises. I know it would be stupid to get married right now anyway, I just figured I'd write that to let you know just where he is in the relationship right now. I'm desperately in love with the guy. I really am. But can I ever trust him again? I know marriage isn't a solution but is it even possible between us? At what point can you forgive a cheater? I feel like he did a lot wrong but since I found out about his affair, he's done everything right: the therapy, digital openness (I regularly check his texts, too), he even let me go on a few dates after I found out. I don't need to be told to kick him to the curb...my friends are telling me that enough. I just want to know your opinions on when or if it is stupid to ever forgive him. Thanks, LS!
Dexter Morgan Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 I'm desperately in love with the guy. I really am. why? he is a cheater. But can I ever trust him again? I know marriage isn't a solution but is it even possible between us? At what point can you forgive a cheater? thats up to you. I have forgiven, not in person though, someone that has cheated on me, but I still wouldn't be caught dead being with them. I could forgive, but then I'd leave them. I feel like he did a lot wrong but since I found out about his affair, he's done everything right: the therapy, digital openness (I regularly check his texts, too), he even let me go on a few dates after I found out. so you went out with other guys after finding out about his thing? if so, whether you did anything or not, to me, this would kind of negate your "right" to say anything to him about what he did, even if he condoned it. having said that, question to you is, knowing that you will never forget what he did and will always once in a while think about what he did, can you live with that? would you rather be with someone you will always have to wonder about and have triggers with that might upset you, forgiveness or not? Or would you rather find someone who didn't do you dirty and someone that wouldn't do that to you? I don't need to be told to kick him to the curb then it looks like you have already made up your mind. good luck with that. ...my friends are telling me that enough. and you aren't listening to your friends why?? you need to listen to them....they are right. I just want to know your opinions on when or if it is stupid to ever forgive him. Thanks, LS! I don't think its stupid to forgive......and I won't say its stupid for keep a cheater, but I wouldn't keep a cheater. Its not worth it....they aren't worth it, and you deserve better. you aren't getting better by keeping him.
Ronni_W Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 At what point can you forgive a cheater? I would say: At the point where it makes sense to YOU to do so. When to NOT do so would feel more like 'cutting your nose to spite your face'. When to do so would actually promote and support YOUR OWN goals, dreams, desires and happiness. To me, your guy's thinking and actions at the time makes sense, given all the underlying circumstances and conditions. I might even have made the exact same choice that he did. (I haven't been in a remotely similar situation, so I don't know for sure, though.) I'm not sure that I would say that he didn't "respect" you at the time. I think he did care about you (very much), and did respect your illness and what you were going through. I can't really fault him for also looking out for his own long-term best interests. And I can understand how he would not have wanted to do anything that could even potentially undermine your already-fragile mental health. As I'm seeing it, he was faced with very limited, difficult choices. And he chose what, for him, was the best for him while being the least potentially harmful/damaging to you. I think, *IF* and when it makes sense to you, only at that point would you be wise to consider forgiving him. If you're interested, you might want to read 'Forgive for Love' by Fred Luskin. The library might have it, or it's on sale for U$5 + shipping, at BookCloseOuts.com Best of luck with your "forgiveness decision"
imagine Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 Will he marry you "...in sickness and in health...."
whichwayisup Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 Will he marry you "...in sickness and in health...." Unfortunately, if you are suffering from depression and have mental illness, that's a forever thing - And HE needs to accept that at times, life isn't going to be easy.. CAN he support you and be there during rough times. It's good he's figuring things out, and done counselling, atleast it shows he's doing something to change. Does he seem very remorseful for his selfishness and cheating ways? If you love him and want to give him another chance, do so, but don't marry him until YOU are ready. He let you down in many ways, and chose to cheat on you during a bad time in your life. That in itself is hard to get over for so many reasons..
Steadfast Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 (edited) Long time Washington Redskins coach Joe Gibbs was once asked in an interview how long he planned to remain on the job. He answered; "If you're thinking about retiring, you already have". You've already forgiven him Laura, the question I think you're really asking is: "How long before I forget or stop worrying about it?" He could be the greatest guy ever from this point on, or fail miserably when things get tough. It's a valid concern. Some cheaters do reform...but it's a different situation for the betrayed. Like any inflicted injury, the one who actually gets hurt faces the longest, toughest battle. Unless you've tasted it, it's almost impossible for anyone to truly understand. Even the cheater. It's not just about him and what he'll do. Look at your decision to stay with and marry this many like a seasoned gambler, because that is exactly what it is; a gamble. How are the odds? What is your gut telling you? Hold 'em or fold 'em? Some just cut their losses, some take the risk and get burned and some are big winners. Don't just look at now, look down the road. I know you love him, the world is full of ex-spouses who love each other. You'll need more to make it. Edited June 22, 2010 by Steadfast
Jilly Bean Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 I find it funny when betrayed people tout their cheating partner as being so wonderful because they: 1 - are allowed to read their texts (you DO realize they can have another phone you don't know about, right?) 2 - they are tracking them by GPS (you DO realize a cheater can leave his phone at work, and still go screw someone elsewhere, and come back later for the phone, right?) 3 - is STD-free (applause for using condoms when he cheats!) 4 - has passwords for email accounts (you DO realize he can easily set up other accounts you're not aware of, right?) Hon - do yourself a favor. You're young. Save yourself a world of pain and get away from him. Odds are against you with this guy...
Recommended Posts