dflight12 Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 Let me clarify before I get into this that I know what I did was wrong ethically and I do not want to get into a debate about that. If you are here to do that then please don;t post. I only want help for myself this point forward. My girlfriend left herself logged into her facebook on my comp. I was curious, I knew nothing about her history except a few boyfriends. So I just wanted to check out her messages. She had a message from one guy asking her to sleepover. They had a few exchanges before we even were together, jsut random talking about poking etc.. She also mentioned to the guy that her current man (me) wasn;t her boyfriend. he saw us at a bar or something. For the record we weren;t official at that time because I was noncommittal but were dating seriously and to brush me off like im noone is odd. I wouldn;t have brushed her off in the same instance. This guy makes me look like Brad Pitt too and he seems like a creep. I heard the guys a creep but I mean like why would he do that? Not to mention all the other inboxes she had from a million dudes. I would like to ask the ladies if this is regular. Do guys inbox women a lot through facebook? Or do girls have to give guys the interest first? Like I'd never do that. It just screams they want to screw you. I also saw messages from when she was single in college to guys. One night she musta got drunk and messaged a bunch of dudes saying she wanted them, it was gross and I am now disgusted. I hope it was a joke or someone went on her comp. Do you think any of this can be sign of someone in the future who is a cheater or someone who gets around? Should I ditch it? Seeing all of this has made me real insecure about the relationship and I am leaning toward ending it soon. It will crush her though.
Art_Critic Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 (edited) This is why snooping without a good reason is NEVER a good idea.. You undermine yourself, your GF and your relationship when you do that kind of stuff.. To the point of your OP.. give her a break.. you are being too judgmental about her past.. It's her past and from what you posted won't affect your relationship with her.. She is with who ? YOU.. not someone else, so you should look at it that way.. She obviously wants to be with you so. Edited June 21, 2010 by Art_Critic
threebyfate Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 I'd be questioning why someone would be keeping all those messages, if they weren't important or are no longer important.
Art_Critic Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 I'd be questioning why someone would be keeping all those messages, if they weren't important or are no longer important. You have a point TBF.. but more on for someone who is mature and has been thru some relationships.. I think we are talking young people here.. FB seems to be the email of todays young kids and honestly until I got married I kept some emails from past GF's.. they were just in my sent/inbox and archived so why go thru them? Now.. once I was married and in a committed relationship then all old emails and contact lists got deleted.. even out of the archives.. DFLIGHT12.. how long have you been together ?
ADF Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 I know what I did was wrong ethically and I do not want to get into a debate about that. Yeah, well, guess what? You're about to get into a debate about it. You can't just say, "I know I was wrong" and bury the issue. Why, why, why do people do this to themselves? Why do they do it to others? Has anyone who has gone snooping had a good outcome from it? Let's be honest: you snooped because you knew in your gut something fishy was going on. Had you confronted her like a man, you would have found out the truth. Even if she denied everything, you would have known by her reaction. At that point, you would have had the upper hand. You could have even demanded to see her email and she'd of had no choice but to show you. But instead, you decided to sneak around and spy on her. Your behavior was so pathetic and sniveling and cowardly, you'll have pretty emasculated yourself in her eyes. Real men confront cheating women face to your face; only frightened little boys sneak around behind their backs. Had you confronted her like a man, you might have gained her respect. She might have felt guilty. She might have repented. But she won't now, believe me. What you did to her will make her feel justified about what she did to you. She'll know that no matter what she did from now on, she'd always know you were going to be snooping and spying on her. No woman with an once of self-respect would submit to having a relationship under those terms. Good job.
samspade Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 Forget the snooping - what's done is done. It doesn't matter now. Do you feel comfortable knowing what you know? Do you think it is appropriate for her to keep those messages around? Should she even be responding to a guy who wants to sleep with her now that she's spoken for? Or is she engaging in behavior unbecoming of a girlfriend? Sounds like you have a decision to make. If I were you, I'd dump - no reason to put her on trial though. You know what you know.
ADF Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 OP, ADF is a cheater. Disregard everything she's said to you, it's just meant to bring you down. You didn't do anything wrong. I never cheated on anyone in my life. Not once. Don't run your mouth about things you don't know. That's also not what real men do.
Author dflight12 Posted June 22, 2010 Author Posted June 22, 2010 So in regards to all the inboxes she was getting from guys, is that normal or no? It was just ones like asking her to hang out or go out on dates etc.. Some were creepy. I know the main one i referred to was from a guy shes known for a long time and supposedly their friends.
ADF Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 You seem to express yourself at least in this thread with a high degree of sexism. "Real men" this and "real men" that. It doesn't do much for your cred. Fair enough. The term "real men" is hereby retired. I actually never use it in day-to-day life. I used it here because it seems so commonplace.
lkjh Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 ADF, you always bash guys for everything. Just give it a rest for once
ADF Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 ADF, you always bash guys for everything. Just give it a rest for once I don't "bash" anyone, unless by "bashing" you mean telling women things some men wish they didn't know. If that's "bashing," then I am guilty. But no, I will not "give it a rest" because you want me to.
Dexter Morgan Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 I never cheated on anyone in my life. Not once.. based on your attitude in this forum and your defensiveness of people that were caught cheating and had to become an open book.......I'd say you are lying.
ADF Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 based on your attitude in this forum and your defensiveness of people that were caught cheating and had to become an open book.......I'd say you are lying. I've never defended cheating. In fact, I've condemned it, strongly. I think you're confused. What you're mistaking for support for cheating is my belief in respecting other people's privacy. No, I don't think the fact someone found out their BF/GF was cheating justifies the fact they broke into their email, installed spyware on their computer, snooped through their phone records, hid a voice-activated mic in their car, bugged their house, or whatever. I just don't buy into this The-End-Justifies-The-Means mentality. I realize that puts me in the minority on LS. But it is a minority I am proud to belong to.
make me believe Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 So in regards to all the inboxes she was getting from guys, is that normal or no? It was just ones like asking her to hang out or go out on dates etc.. Some were creepy. I know the main one i referred to was from a guy shes known for a long time and supposedly their friends. If she is young, like college/high school, then I'd say yes this is completely normal. She is probably "friends" with most of those guys, in the sense that they secretly (or not so secretly) want her and she enjoys the attention she gets from them. What was her response to those messages? If she is still receiving those messages while in a relationship with you, and NOT telling those guys to f*ck off, then you've got a problem. If she ignores them or tells them she's got a boyfriend, then she isn't really doing anything wrong.
Windsurf66 Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 I've never defended cheating. In fact, I've condemned it, strongly. I think you're confused. What you're mistaking for support for cheating is my belief in respecting other people's privacy. No, I don't think the fact someone found out their BF/GF was cheating justifies the fact they broke into their email, installed spyware on their computer, snooped through their phone records, hid a voice-activated mic in their car, bugged their house, or whatever. I just don't buy into this The-End-Justifies-The-Means mentality. I realize that puts me in the minority on LS. But it is a minority I am proud to belong to. In a marriage, between a husband and wife, where they have seen and touch every part of each other's body, what privacy is still needed? Transparency should be the way, unless there is indeed something to hidden Betweem GF and BG, well, every r/s is different and its up to them to define the boundaries. In some instances, confronting directly only result in denial after denial. Snooping/spying is indeed needed to uncover lies and protect oneself. Congratulations to you for belonging to the minority of privacy advocate. Lets see what happens one of these days when you get strung along and sucked till you are dried when you are dumped
brokendream Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 I wont bash you for snooping because I think it's better you found out what you did now rather than in a year or two when the relationship is more serious. At least now you have a chance to think about it and consider your options. Your girlfriend comes across as someone who is very insecure and attention seeking. It's up to you whether you can deal with that. She may be the type of person who needs constant attention and reassurance from men. It may not always come from you so she may seek this elsewhere.
Eeyore79 Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 Yes, many people who have gone snooping have had a good outcome from it, specifically, betrayed spouses/significant others who have discovered infidelity being hidden from them by their partners. I don't think snooping is justified unless you have a genuine reason to suspect that something funny is going on. At that point, it's reasonable to snoop in order to verify your suspicions. But if there's no indication of any funny business, you should trust your SO and respect their privacy.
ADF Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 In a marriage, between a husband and wife, where they have seen and touch every part of each other's body, what privacy is still needed? Transparency should be the way, unless there is indeed something to hidden As I said earlier, every person needs a little space somewhere in the universe which is wholly their own. You cannot live with your every thought and feeling subject to someone else's surveillance and expect to stay sane. Ask a North Korean. Congratulations to you for belonging to the minority of privacy advocate. Lets see what happens one of these days when you get strung along and sucked till you are dried when you are dumped Oh, that's already happened. In a big way, too. When I was 21, I lived with a woman who regularly wrote letters to a convicted murderer serving a 15-year sentence for a gang-related killing. They had grown up in the same neighborhood, and she had been good friends with his sister. To make a long story short, they had been carrying on a long-distance romance for some time, and made plans to marry after his release. My GF hid all this from me so I would keep helping her pay the rent. When our lease was up, she abruptly dumped me. Could I have found proof of all this sooner by snooping? I am sure I could have. They exchanged letters regularly. I could have found them and read them when she wasn't around. But I didn't, because I was raised to respect other people's privacy. As hard as it is for you to imagine, there are still people in the world who have values, principles. We don't all go through life thinking that what is right and what is fair is for us to get to do whatever we want. Not all of us live by your view--i.e. that the end justifies the means.
ADF Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 People who vocally proclaim how "principled" they are, are probably the ones who need the closest scrutiny. And it's the quiet ones you need to watch for, right? And "no" really means "yes," correct? Blah, blah, blah. Look, I don't claim to have superior principles. Frankly, I think that if respecting other people's privacy is all it takes to be "principled," that's setting the bar darn pretty low. It's like praising someone for NOT beating their wife. Having respect for other people's privacy ought to make you normal, not exceptional.
Windsurf66 Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 As I said earlier, every person needs a little space somewhere in the universe which is wholly their own. You cannot live with your every thought and feeling subject to someone else's surveillance and expect to stay sane. Ask a North Korean. They are not reading their mind by forcing a lie detector on them, and definitely not every single thought is being read. If there is a clear conscience, there is nothing to hide. The space they need, is the secret thoughts that are not verbalised or put into action. That is enough Oh, that's already happened. In a big way, too. When I was 21, I lived with a woman who regularly wrote letters to a convicted murderer serving a 15-year sentence for a gang-related killing. They had grown up in the same neighborhood, and she had been good friends with his sister. To make a long story short, they had been carrying on a long-distance romance for some time, and made plans to marry after his release. My GF hid all this from me so I would keep helping her pay the rent. When our lease was up, she abruptly dumped me. Could I have found proof of all this sooner by snooping? I am sure I could have. They exchanged letters regularly. I could have found them and read them when she wasn't around. But I didn't, because I was raised to respect other people's privacy. As hard as it is for you to imagine, there are still people in the world who have values, principles. We don't all go through life thinking that what is right and what is fair is for us to get to do whatever we want. Not all of us live by your view--i.e. that the end justifies the means. You were raised your ways, which I would not say right or wrong. So don't come here telling others that they are wrong to snoop, they have no principles, values etc. Your values and principles are the minority here. F*** off with your privacy advocacy and get down from your fu**king high horse
Windsurf66 Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 And it's the quiet ones you need to watch for, right? And "no" really means "yes," correct? Blah, blah, blah. Look, I don't claim to have superior principles. Frankly, I think that if respecting other people's privacy is all it takes to be "principled," that's setting the bar darn pretty low. It's like praising someone for NOT beating their wife. Having respect for other people's privacy ought to make you normal, not exceptional. In a marriage, a spouse is not just any other people. Secrecy only lead to mistrust. There is nothing for a couple who has taken wedding vows to hide anything from each other. As i said, you have your own views as to what is normal. You as the minority who advoacates privacy and secrecy which can lead to affairs, is the abnormal one
ADF Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 In a marriage, a spouse is not just any other people. Secrecy only lead to mistrust. There is nothing for a couple who has taken wedding vows to hide anything from each other. As i said, you have your own views as to what is normal. You as the minority who advoacates privacy and secrecy which can lead to affairs, is the abnormal one Sorry, but if someone wants to cheat, they'll find way. All the snooping in the world won't prevent it. Frankly, I think that is what people are loathe to admit. They have this delusion that if they can keep someone firmly enough under their thumb, they can prevent a person inclined to cheat from cheating. Pffft. Yeah, right. Good luck with that.
Windsurf66 Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 Sorry, but if someone wants to cheat, they'll find way. All the snooping in the world won't prevent it. Frankly, I think that is what people are loathe to admit. They have this delusion that if they can keep someone firmly enough under their thumb, they can prevent a person inclined to cheat from cheating. Pffft. Yeah, right. Good luck with that. I replied to you, the same question, in another thread on "wife and facebook". I shall not waste time on you, but will copy and paste my reply here for you to read. Pls refrain from wasting our time as well with your moral privacy advocacy bullsh*t. The OP has read both sides and can decide for himself. Yup, if the cheater wants to cheat, nothing will stop and spying will only make the cheater more careful. But snooping is still necessary. Why? So that the OP can cut his losses early, get protected financially and physically (from STDs), divorce the whore early and get on with life with a more sincere person who can love him. And not forgetting, with the evidence, expose the affair to the whole world to warn other men
Windsurf66 Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 (edited) Sorry, but if someone wants to cheat, they'll find way. All the snooping in the world won't prevent it. Frankly, I think that is what people are loathe to admit. They have this delusion that if they can keep someone firmly enough under their thumb, they can prevent a person inclined to cheat from cheating. Pffft. Yeah, right. Good luck with that. by the way, u have gone to a few threads around LS to advocate your moral and privacy bullsh*t. Why don't you refrain from hijacking other people's thread, and start a thread yourself in the Marriage forum on your privacy advocacy. And if there are people interested to waste their time on you, they will battle you out there in your own thread Lets stop this privacy advocacy bullsh*t, at least for this thread and get back to the OP's concerns. Edited June 24, 2010 by Windsurf66
ADF Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 (edited) by the way, u have gone to a few threads around LS to advocate your moral and privacy bullsh*t. Why don't you refrain from hijacking other people's thread, and start a thread yourself in the Marriage forum on your privacy advocacy. And if there are people interested to waste their time on you, they will battle you out there in your own thread Lets stop this privacy advocacy bullsh*t, at least for this thread and get back to the OP's concerns. Who died and left you in charge? Buzz off. Edited June 24, 2010 by ADF
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