petiteprincess Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 I have been in love with someone for 6 months now. He was in love with me or so he thought too. He realized he was more in lust than anything and has now been back tracking on things in the love department more into a friendship. I really do love him and his kids and i think he is scared to be in a relationship because of his kids and all and has never been treated good by a woman before. It kills me daily to act like i dont love him and yet i cant imagine my life without him in it. I just really am beginning to think im wasting energy on thinking maybe we will actually have more one day if it wont ever happen. Part of me thinks i should walk away and just cut ties and deal with the pain and part of me doesnt want to. I dont know what to do because i honestly care for him. I just think if all he wants is friendship and i stay friends with him how will i ever move on because to me he is the one and he is perfect for me. What would you do and how? HELP! I am in my 30s and he and i have so much in common. Im confused and it tears me up that we arent more than friends. I talk to him daily and dont see him often but its mostly because i blow him off. I dont know how to deal with the love i have for him and i have tried putting it aside, but how do you do that? It gets in the way. He keeps telling me to stop being so serious.
123BeachFan Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 How long ago did he announce that he's in lust and not in love? Is he trying to downgrade you to a FWB? Or, does it feel that way to you?
Author petiteprincess Posted June 21, 2010 Author Posted June 21, 2010 (edited) We had sex 2 times about 2 months ago. We have not had sex since. The lust theory came into play like 2 months ago after we had sex. I think he got freaked out and started worrying i was going to trap him into pregnancy like his ex wife did. My feelings havent changed at all. We have not had any sexual talk for 2 months. In fact, he tells me all the time that im such a great friend and i mean the world to him. I understand that he may not be into me as a lover. He has told me he doesn't want a girlfriend at all with anyone Edited June 21, 2010 by petiteprincess
stillafool Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 How long has he been away from his wife? Is she still involved in he and the kids life? Is he asking you out on dates and you just blow him off? Please give more details.
123BeachFan Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 First of all, stop worrying for him WHY he's not ready and able to be in love with another woman. It's enough for you to know he's not romantically in love with you. Take his word for it, he's not in love. It's been a couple of months since you two were sexual. Hate to say it, but he was in it for the pursuit and challenge. Now that he got you in bed, he's moved on. What you do at this point should be to take care of yourself. You won't move on until you let the dream go, and accept that this isn't the guy for you. The best way to do that is to cut your ties with him and go NC. He's not doing you any favors by keeping you around as a friend. He's stringing you along, and it's only hurting you. Sorry...
Author petiteprincess Posted June 21, 2010 Author Posted June 21, 2010 Well, he has been divorced from the worst possible human being for many years. She is not very involved with the kids lives even though she has joing custody and he is a great dad. He is almost always with his kids when he is not working. He wants to hang out as friends but we are supposed to be starting a business venture together with me providing the money and i dont know if he still hangs with me because of that only or not. He keeps saying to remember we were friends before anything else anyway and he wont take any money if i dont understand that. However, i am having a hard time being demoted down to a friend only. he was telling me he loved me and it did happen very fast in the beginning.
123BeachFan Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 Oh Lord, do NOT get into a business venture with this man! That's nothing but heartbreak and disaster. Seriously!
Author petiteprincess Posted June 21, 2010 Author Posted June 21, 2010 He told me we had sex because we talked about it for a long time and it was a curiosity thing for him and me too. It was great by the way. I think he is afraid to be hurt again and therefore he keeps pushing a friendship only to stay close to me and yet not have to juggle emotions into the mix anymore. However, i think i may have to walk away on this one as well since i can t see just being friends and wondering all the time
Author petiteprincess Posted June 21, 2010 Author Posted June 21, 2010 I appreciate the advise. I am not going into a business venture with him at all. I cant do it. There is no way i can. It is so hard because i do care for him deeply but i think im going to have to walk away and just ignore him
123BeachFan Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 Your making excuses for his behavior, Princess. You don't need to worry about the fraility of his emotions and his fear of falling in love again. In so doing, you are placing a higher value on his emotions than on your own. And ironically, he's gotten so much more out of you. Sex. Your friendship on his terms. Your pampering him emotionally because you worry about how he feels (and sacrificing your own feelings in the process). Your money for his business. Walk away. Seriously.
123BeachFan Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 I appreciate the advise. I am not going into a business venture with him at all. I cant do it. There is no way i can. It is so hard because i do care for him deeply but i think im going to have to walk away and just ignore him I agree with you 100% on this, and glad to see you are headed that direction.
Ilovecake Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 I have been in love with someone for 6 months now. i cant imagine my life without him in it. It seems like you did fine without him for 30+ years I think you'll be OK again.
Ilovecake Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 He told me we had sex because we talked about it for a long time and it was a curiosity thing for him and me too. It was great by the way. I think he is afraid to be hurt again and therefore he keeps pushing a friendship only to stay close to me and yet not have to juggle emotions into the mix anymore. However, i think i may have to walk away on this one as well since i can t see just being friends and wondering all the time You need to stop making excuses for him and his behavior. This guy got laid and now is getting free money from you. Why wouldn't he want to tell you stuff to keep you around as a friend while he’s pursuing other romantic interests? 1.He dumped you do not give this man money under any circumstances. 2.You have only known him for six months, you're probably feeling lust as well just confusing it for love. You don’t know the really important things about him, even though you might think you do but all you have to go on so far is the things he told you about himself, which most likely are only half true. This is why you are putting this guy up on such a high pedestal. 3. Big Gigantic Red Flag, him talking smack about his child’s mother, whether true or not. 4.Everyone is afraid to be hurt, this does not make him special or uniquely sensitive. Time to let go and move on.
Author petiteprincess Posted June 21, 2010 Author Posted June 21, 2010 well....i do have him in a pedestal and he is a genuinely great guy. He is not pursuing anyone else and i know this for a fact. But thats not the point. I think i just am upset he claimed he felt things he didnt or changed his mind on. I do love him and know the difference between that and lust after 6 months. Isnt all anyone knows about a person what a person tells? I dont live with him.
Ilovecake Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 Like I said no need to explain or make excuses for him to me. It really will not change my opinion. I'm sure in a lot of ways he's a nice guy or you wouldn't have liked him but nobody has only one side to them. The fact that he says horrible things about his ex, especially since she gave birth to his kid, is a very bad quality. If he's saying that about someone that instrumental in his life imagine what his next girlfriend will hear about you. I'm just trying to give you honest to goodness unsugarcoated advice. Your situation is just like a thousand others here; any small distinctions really have no impact on the end result of what is happening and that is you opened yourself up to someone and then you were dumped. Human nature is human nature and whether we are doing it actively or not we’re all pursuing romantic partners. This guy wants to be single so he can meet someone to not be single with; unfortunately he decided you are not that person. It stinks and it hurts but it’s reality. You learn a lot about a person by his actions not his words, words are always deceiving. You haven’t mentioned one thing he has done to deserve your friendship. I assume he knows that you have feelings for him so really he’s not considering those feelings when he says he just wants to be friends because you’re a good addition to HIS life.
Author petiteprincess Posted June 21, 2010 Author Posted June 21, 2010 What i realize is that it just matters how i feel. He only told me his ex had major drug issues which is a fact. She is not a good person and still does crap to his kids. He tells facts. Thats all. I dont dig about it as its not my business. He and i talk daily many times a day. I just dont know if i can be just friends. I guess that is the issue here.
LoveTruthChaos Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 The fact that he says horrible things about his ex, especially since she gave birth to his kid, is a very bad quality. If he's saying that about someone that instrumental in his life imagine what his next girlfriend will hear about you. Okay, I've learned my lesson in life. Never again. I can see the signs now. I SHUDDER to think about the crap he's making up about me to his new girlfriend.....*sniff*
stillafool Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 petite princess I think you should cut off all ties with this guy because you feel more for him than he does you. This is even after having sex 2 times. I think if you continue the "friendship" and he eventually finds a woman he wants to be romantic with it will have devastating affects on you. He may still be in love with his kids mom. I've heard many men talk trash about a wayward wife and end up going right back to her. Afterall they did make those kids together and even with her problems he was there for her so you can't believe it all. You seem like a nice lady and I'm sure you can do better.
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