jaxguy Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 Ok guys here is the deal, I have been dating this girl for about five years now and we have a child together. We were living together and had an argument and I moved out (temporarily). Things were looking really good and we were hanging out again quite abit and basically doing everything couples do. Recently she was kinda acting weird towards me and I knew something was bothering her so we talked. She told me that she wants to completely break it off so she could find herself. In her terms she said that when we first started dating she felt that she was a different person than she is now and because of having our son and putting alot of time into him she felt that she lost some of that. She told me that none of this was my fault and that I have been doing a great job its just that she is not ready to take things to the next level. She told me she wants to take a two month break apart and come back and dicuss things but to give her space during this time. She said that its nothing to worry about and we will probably get back together but she said that our relationship would never work until she found herself again and this is basically something she has to work out with herself and do before committing long term to me. She also made a comment that she wants to be able to say yes if a guy asks her out to drinks or what not but says that it would never progress past that but she said that she would not be looking to go on dates with guys it would only be if they asked and she agreed. Again she did say I that more than likely her and I would get back together but she didn't want to put a timetable on it. She cited the fact that Im a good guy and great dad so why wouldn't she? What should I do and should I be worried about this?
123BeachFan Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 My hunch: she's already found another guy, and she's giving that new relationship 2 months to either burn out or become something more substantial. It's never a good sign when a SO says they want the freedom to date other people. She's keeping you on staff as her backup option should this new relationship fizzle out. Do yourself a favor and cut your ties right now rather than being the guy she falls back on when her new thing turns sour.
Author jaxguy Posted June 21, 2010 Author Posted June 21, 2010 I actually thought this might be the case as well but she says that is not so and that this ordeal is not about finding someone as much as it is about finding herself. She feels that after having our son that she has gained alot of weight and doesnt feel as good about herself and that this affects our relationship. She says that she hasn't found anybody though. She said ONLY should the occasion come up then she would want to say yes if thats what she wanted to do.
StarrySkyBlue Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 At first it sounds all right. It's normal for people (especially moms) to feel that they have lost themselves in their relationship/parenthood and want to reconnect with themselves again. However, the part about saying yes when someone asks her out does seem a bit worrying. That could either be: 1) That she doesn't literally mean it and that she is just expressing how she needs to feel free again after being tied down to the role of 'mom' for a long time. She just wants to feel young once again. 2) Like what the above poster said. She has already found another guy. So, my suggestion is that during this 2 months you treat it as a real break up and try to move on. Use it to "find yourself" on your own. Convince yourself that she is not coming back. If after 2 months she comes back and you still want to be with her: Yay, happy ending. If she doesn't, you will have already gone through the hardest part of the breakup and will already be on your way to healing.
ADF Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 I suspect 123beachfan is exactly correct. Saying, "I need to find myself" is just meaningless drivel. It is the kind of thing people say when they're hiding their real motives. I would bet any amount of money there's another guy involved here. I would add one thing, however. You say you've been with this woman 5 years and have a child with her. Yet, you give no indication of wanting to marry her. I wonder if that is a good part of the reason she's found someone else. Maybe she figured you'd never make a real commitment, and decided there was no future with you.
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 dude its a wrap!!! I need to find myself: She's not gonna walk to earth like kwai chang kaine!!! No my friend, she's gonna establish new friendships and relationships with other people. and see who she wants with no problems from you. 90% of the time this is what happens when those words are uttered from the person's mouth. Finding herself? Bullsh**. It's all lip service because she's gonna do what she's gonna do. She could make it work and be a family and find herself while still attached to you, she doesnt have to give up her individuality, but she's gonna hurt you. Just you watch. We've seen it happen here more times than people can count. Prepare for the worst now brother. It's coming. My advice detach and keep your distance, focus on your kid and on your, not y'all two's future together. until your BOTH solid about it.
123BeachFan Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 I actually thought this might be the case as well but she says that is not so and that this ordeal is not about finding someone as much as it is about finding herself. She feels that after having our son that she has gained alot of weight and doesnt feel as good about herself and that this affects our relationship. She says that she hasn't found anybody though. She said ONLY should the occasion come up then she would want to say yes if thats what she wanted to do. Well, if it's true that she's found another guy to date, she's not going to come forth and confess that she's been cheating NOW. So any amount of your calling her on it, she'll deny. If you see her with a new guy in two weeks, you'll have your answer. Also, her line of reasoning is flawed. If a woman has gained weight and feels undesirable, she's not going to want to throw herself out there in the dating arena suddenly and without any other motivation.
StarrySkyBlue Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 I would add one thing, however. You say you've been with this woman 5 years and have a child with her. Yet, you give no indication of wanting to marry her. I wonder if that is a good part of the reason she's found someone else. Maybe she figured you'd never make a real commitment, and decided there was no future with you. Now that's a good point.
Author jaxguy Posted June 21, 2010 Author Posted June 21, 2010 Hey good question there but we had both talked about marriage and were working on that before the argument in which i left. As far as there being another guy I really dont think there is. Just a hunch. However, the #1 selection up top about how she just wants to feel free is kinda what she told me when I sat down and talked with her. I told her I was worried that this was the end and she was like I need to fix me before we can move on and be engaged. I think she just wants to hang out with the few friends she has and have a good time for now.
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 She isn't going to find herself if she looks from underneath some other guy. It sounds like she just wants an excuse to see someone else, and it sounds like she already has someone in mind if she hasn't started seeing him already. A woman does not cut herself loose to be a single mother on the dating scene competing against younger women with less baggage - on the off chance that someone 'might' ask her out. She cuts herself loose because there is someone waiting to catch her when she does. I hate to say it, but most people lack the necessary emotional strength to take legit 'breaks' to work on themselves. People that do that do not consider dating, do not consider partying, none of that stuff - they turn inward and do some legitimate soul searching alone until they come to terms with their new role in life. The rest? They aren't really concerned with finding themselves or redefining their roles, they just want to make sure they have a firm grip on the next person before they have the strength to let go of the one they have - and they call this a 'break'.
Hop_prophet Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 Oh that one She wants to have some excitement on the side and not feel guilty about it. I agree with others that she has already been testing the waters with some other dude otherwise there is no way she would break it off. She is feeding you a load of crap and she is most likely extremely selfish and an attention whore. Don't allow yourself to be disrespected like this. Unfortunately, you will still have to deal with her because of the child but keep it absolutely minimal. Go screw a few other women and see how she feels about that. I'm really sorry you have to go through this. It will be especially hard since you won't be able to cut ties.
ADF Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 A woman does not cut herself loose to be a single mother on the dating scene competing against younger women with less baggage - on the off chance that someone 'might' ask her out. She cuts herself loose because there is someone waiting to catch her when she does. WOW! Not only absolutely true, but so beautifully stated! I would only add the same thing is roughly true for men, too. Very few guys would dump a woman and risk cutting off their sex supply. More often, they've got someone else lined up already (or think they do).
123BeachFan Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 the same thing is roughly true for men, too. Very few guys would dump a woman and risk cutting off their sex supply. More often, they've got someone else lined up already (or think they do). Boy, isn't that the truth. I've been in more than one relationship where it was obvious the guy stopped being interested in US as a relationship, but wouldn't admit to it for the sake of getting the Benefits.
Author jaxguy Posted June 23, 2010 Author Posted June 23, 2010 Hey guys a little update on the situation. Talked to a really close friend of hers that is a real good friend of mine. This friend talked to my ex gf in depth and said that the whole reason for this was that my ex doesn't feel positive about herself at all. She said that I made her feel bad because I was a great guy and that she is trying to feel a lot better about herself so that our relationship would work. The friend also said she really doesn't think my ex will go out and date other people it was just her way of proclaiming her liberty to do so. Sometimes girls need a guy or two to compliment them to make them feel good instead of just hearing it from me. However, she knows that I still have the engagement ring that I bought for her and told this friend of mine that she wanted to increase her self confidence before saying yes because she didn't want to get married and have to wear a dress looking the way she looks now (geez I think she looks great and I tell her this all the time aren't girls so weird). Thanks for the advice guys but honestly I have to feel confident in the situation so I don't lose my mind. Her friend says that she told her that once she gets her self confidence back that she will be confident enough to say yes to me and be with me long term.
StarrySkyBlue Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 Jaxguy, I like your attitude. I'm probably one of those stupid people who believe in true love and 'finding yourself' and those things. The only thing is to keep believing. If she breaks your heart later on, just accept it and feel the pain, and then move on, but at least no one can say that you didn't believe or that you gave in to doubt. I know this is probably stupid advice, because it would probably hurt more in the long run, but go for it. (But meanwhile, don't forget to work on yourself and bring in improvements to your life, too) I wish you all the best and truly hope it works out!
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