califnan Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 IMO that requires you to seek intensive individual therapy/counseling with a qualified psychotherapist who has nothing to do with you or your spouse socially, professionally, or in any other way. ------------------ If OP is really a counselor, he should know how and why it happens..
whichwayisup Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 WHAT???? Yesterday you were so overwhelmed with love and affection you were crying. Now today, you are over her and she means nothing more than a colleague? Something is NOT right here. I thought the exact same thing. Noone, and I mean NOONE does a 180 like this. Inlove, thinking of the other person 24.7, consumed with thoughts, to I'm over it and now am going to focus just on my wife and marriage.
shadowplay Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 You have issues with your mother from growing up, right? It seems highly likely based on what you've said about the power dynamic and age difference in your relationship. I think you gravitated toward your wife to feel mothered, to resolve some need from the past, and once she had filled that void you realized that you realized it wasn't enough because you were using your lover to meet the wrong needs.
shadowplay Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 WHAT???? Yesterday you were so overwhelmed with love and affection you were crying. Now today, you are over her and she means nothing more than a colleague? Something is NOT right here. Yeah, he sounds quite emotionally unstable.
shadowplay Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 That makes a lot of sense to me. Thanking you and everyone else for the relentless barrage of feedback - both kind and cruel, intelligent and bigoted, constructive and vengefully judgemental. As if by miracle, the bubble seems to have burst on the whole infatuation thing and I have floated gently back to earth. All your feedback was like a scalpel brutally lancing this boil in its early stages. Saw the OW tonight for a cup of tea, she now feels more like just a friend and colleague. While I love her bright mind, sense of humour and playful essence, she now feels shallow to me; many of her core values and life choices are completely at odds with mine, to the extent that a relationship wouldn't last 5 minutes anyway. I look back on the whole episode and my strongest feeling is PHEW!!! It's like I'm seeing how close I skidded toward the edge of a horrible cliff. I came within a fraction of an inch of blowing one of the best things that's ever happened in my life. Yes, my wife and our marriage has issues, lots of them. My own issues are at least as big as hers. How our relationship started is controversial. But we have established a sustainable harmony 98% of the time, and we have the means and the willingness to work through things. I have some personal power and assertiveness issues to address, amongst other things. We've overcome a lot of stuff in our time, and we will overcome a lot more. Within our long-agreed definition of fidelity, I am relieved to say that I did not cheat on her! But OMG it came close. I need to figure out how the hell the OW got so deep under my skin. The brief flash of energy with the OW now feels like a gift - seeing how emotionally shut off she is frightens me, and makes me doubly grateful for the treasure my wife is. Right you are, and yes, I'm willing. As I said before, this whole episode has been so totally out of character for me. I have been loyal to the point of boring! Thanks again everyone. You've helped a lot to save me and my wife from a cruel and messy train wreck. g I agree with a few other posters that something feels very off here. Your emotional fluctuations are alarming. Usually when somebody's emotions go on and off like that, it's a sign that there's a lack of emotional depth or they're totally out of touch with how they feel deep down. In general, I get the sense you don't have a strong identity/sense of yourself. Dominant and submissive people are usually drawn together. You were probably drawn to your wife because you felt weak inside and felt that you needed someone to have control over you. This is the core of the problem. Forget the OW, that's not the real issue. Whatever it is that is broken inside you is only reinforced by your unhealthy marriage. But the marriage isn't the source of this problem you have inside. At the same time, you can't really work on yourself unless you get out. I think you should divorce your wife, because this power dynamic will always prevent you from developing who you are. And don't pursue the OW, because that won't solve any of your issues.
shadowplay Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 I thought the exact same thing. Noone, and I mean NOONE does a 180 like this. Inlove, thinking of the other person 24.7, consumed with thoughts, to I'm over it and now am going to focus just on my wife and marriage. My ex did. And he also shared some traits with the OP: passiveness, feeling of weakness inside, "niceness," difficulty with confrontation. I think they all go together and it makes sense when you think about it. If you don't have a strong sense of who you are then your emotional attachments will tend to be shallow, because you're not really connected with what you want on a deep level. Because of their shallowness, they can easily turn on and off.
JamesM Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 WHAT???? Yesterday you were so overwhelmed with love and affection you were crying. Now today, you are over her and she means nothing more than a colleague? Something is NOT right here. I thought the exact same thing. Noone, and I mean NOONE does a 180 like this. Inlove, thinking of the other person 24.7, consumed with thoughts, to I'm over it and now am going to focus just on my wife and marriage. Ditto. However, I do think that today you may think you are over her, but tomorrow or some day in the near future, you will feel differently. If this is more than lust or a brief infatuation, then you WILL be consumed with her again. And at some point, that overwhelming feeling of "love" may propel you into a situation which you could have avoided. Time alone with this possible OW should never be allowed.
2sunny Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 so that's it? or are you actually going to take action on this WITH your wife? you have not stated how YOU intend to make this different for your M. IF you leave things just as they are - it's not enough... you will most likely find yourself tempted again mainly because you never fixed what was broken to begin with. what are YOU going to do about this?
Begum Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 Hi, U sound like a nice guy who doesn't want to hurt his wife but the simple truth is dat u r mate, women can feel when their partners are distance from them we all know when our men are slipping away. Don't hurt your wife any longer she doesn't deserve this treatment do the right thing speak with her tell her that your needs are not being met see if you can come to a compromise if not then you may both decide to go your separate ways but least you know you have tried. Having these secret thoughts of this women feeling like your sixteen again never know might me mid life crisis or summit but never the less stop it now sort out the marriage and if the marriage don't work then persue dis other women. I can tell you this much though sum times the grass looks better on the other side but when you start living with this person and she sees you in full light and you guys have responsibility together you will start appreciating your wife and start realizing that you Mae a huge mistake. Best wishes HHi all, I've been in a stable relationship for 15 years, married most of that time. My wife and I are both counsellors ourselves, and have often taught about "the folly of falling in love", instead promoting the idea of "become friends first then take the next step by choice". I'm putting out to this community for advice, or at least some perspectives and feedback, because I do have enough sense to know that I might not be capable of complete objectivity right now. Here's the problem - after all these years of taking the 'cool headed' approach to relationships, and living a peaceful life undisturbed by romantic afflictions, I find that I have fallen madly in love with a work colleague (second job, working for a lobby organisation). I've only known her for 4 months. I haven't 'fallen in lust' - I've been there before and know the difference - in this case, it's totally the full-blown idealistic romantic feeling, like the planet is so much better with this woman living on it. She's in my head most of my spare moments. This lady and I haven't spoken a lot about feelings so far, but we have both acknowledged a tremendous resonance between us, and we're spending several hours a week together. She is quickly warming to me and we're quickly getting to know each other. Things haven't turned physical - not yet anyway. This has blown my world apart. The dilemma is very disturbing. I've never ever cheated on a partner, or broken up with one partner to be with another. Integrity is very important to me. I am a very kind and sincere sort of guy, and have had pretty much zero women falling in love with me. In the past, I've usually copped the "I do love you... as a friend" speech. I can't stand hurting people. But in this situation, it seems that one or more people are going to get hurt no matter what. My marriage is a mixture of sleepy contentment and desperate stagnation, albeit with some moments of great happiness (eg when we do good counselling work with clients). On the other hand, in the few short weeks I've known this lady, I have come alive in ways I long thought I was incapable of. I'm feeling like a heavy dark wet anesthetic blanket is being lifted off and the world is reverting from dull grey shades back to vibrant color. I've been crying tears of joy several times a day. Thanks for reading this far, and sorry the message has been so long. If you've got any advice, I'm all ears. Thanks in advance gentleguy
QueenVictoria Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 Hi all, I've been in a stable relationship for 15 years, married most of that time. My wife and I are both counsellors ourselves, and have often taught about "the folly of falling in love", instead promoting the idea of "become friends first then take the next step by choice". I'm putting out to this community for advice, or at least some perspectives and feedback, because I do have enough sense to know that I might not be capable of complete objectivity right now. Here's the problem - after all these years of taking the 'cool headed' approach to relationships, and living a peaceful life undisturbed by romantic afflictions, I find that I have fallen madly in love with a work colleague (second job, working for a lobby organisation). I've only known her for 4 months. I haven't 'fallen in lust' - I've been there before and know the difference - in this case, it's totally the full-blown idealistic romantic feeling, like the planet is so much better with this woman living on it. She's in my head most of my spare moments. This lady and I haven't spoken a lot about feelings so far, but we have both acknowledged a tremendous resonance between us, and we're spending several hours a week together. She is quickly warming to me and we're quickly getting to know each other. Things haven't turned physical - not yet anyway. This has blown my world apart. The dilemma is very disturbing. I've never ever cheated on a partner, or broken up with one partner to be with another. Integrity is very important to me. I am a very kind and sincere sort of guy, and have had pretty much zero women falling in love with me. In the past, I've usually copped the "I do love you... as a friend" speech. I can't stand hurting people. But in this situation, it seems that one or more people are going to get hurt no matter what. My marriage is a mixture of sleepy contentment and desperate stagnation, albeit with some moments of great happiness (eg when we do good counselling work with clients). On the other hand, in the few short weeks I've known this lady, I have come alive in ways I long thought I was incapable of. I'm feeling like a heavy dark wet anesthetic blanket is being lifted off and the world is reverting from dull grey shades back to vibrant color. I've been crying tears of joy several times a day. Thanks for reading this far, and sorry the message has been so long. If you've got any advice, I'm all ears. Thanks in advance gentleguy **** I suspect you have outgrown her.
NoIDidn't Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 Wow. A switch flipped. In love. And then....PHEW! The OP did say he was once his now-W's client. Maybe he still has some work to do. OP, you didn't just dodge a bullet to spare your W pain. You are also saving yourself and the OW the same pain. A person that will twist ways to make an affair the right thing for them, will twist the end of the affair and the people in it to their benefit as well. Time for some counselling for yourself again possibly? Every therapist needs their own therapist. Hope you know a good confidential and trustworthy one, given that you will be dealing with a colleague.
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