Stable marriage but fallen in love with another

[gentleguy]

This is a new female giving you attention, stroking your ego, and a basketcase for you to fix so you can be the knight in shining armor to save the day.

That's a bit harsh. I have no illusions about 'fixing' this woman. People decide to work on their issues or not. If she doesn't, it would be a shame, but strangely it doesn't seem to affect how I feel.

As for my being vulnerable to 'ego stroking', there have been several women over the years who have done that, but I haven't felt anything - maybe slightly flattered, but definitely no attraction.

Were you thinking of leaving your wife before this new female came along?

If I'm to be perfectly honest, then yes, there have been thoughts of leaving, even well before meeting this other lady. I have been sticking with the marriage, hoping for things to get better. It's been such a mix of blissful peace and slowly stagnation. The two big issues that disrupt my happiness have been:

 

1. Power imbalance (the marriage decisions have been 95% hers, 5% or less mine. As my past therapist, she still holds immense psychological leverage over me. This makes it difficult to confront issues, since she has tended to distort what I say and 'spin' it on me, and give me the 'my way or the highway', 'like it or get the hell out' rave.
   
2. Incompatibilities - she has a very conservative nature, prefers a reclusive life with little or no social contact, and doesn't like to go out of the house at all except for business. I prefer a balance between staying quiet at home and going out and experiencing new things.
   

I do appreciate your feedback. Thanks for bearing with me as I work through this. Please know that I'm not into pitching tents, but rather, building skyscrapers. I won't be making any decisions without a heck of a lot of reflection behind it.

 

The part of me that's still sane and standing distant from the whole thing wishes for an outcome where I can win equality, come fully and magically alive on all fronts, and have a lot more fun and adventure - within my marriage. However, I'm the only one who has a problem here, my wife is satisfied with the status quo and doesn't want anything to change.

 

g

[MorningCoffee]

my wife is satisfied with the status quo and doesn't want anything to change.

 

You cannot know this, IMO, if you do not have the talk with your wife that others here have advised you to have.

[Iconoclast]

it was never anywhere near as intense as this.

Because it's fresh, new, exciting, daring and immoral.

 

Above all else, I would want my wife to be happy.

Yeah...good luck with that.

 

I want to hang in there and see whether the feeling grows or burns out.

It will grow and you'll bang her.

 

For the record, I am not a cheap sleazebag.

Yes, you are.

 

 

Man up. Go tell your wife, what you want out of life and your relationship, and what you're willing to give in exchange, and what the consequences are if they are not met. Make it work, or leave it. It's that simple.

 

PS...that's the easy way.

[Major]

Gentleguy, all I can say, because I was married for 15 years as well, to a great guy who I was totally unfulfilled, with. Did we disrespect each other? No? Was there infidelity? No? Actually, it was a huge shock to everyone because ideally, we were the perfect couple. What made it more difficult, is that we had a amicable, and respectful relationship behind doors. I found myself in intellectual conversations that I enjoyed with people at work. I loved being at work. When we were at home (we were married 10 years before having children), we were in seperate rooms. Was there tension like we were angry? No. We had just grown into roommates and business partners. It was very, difficult to divorce my ex. However, as the other bloggers have said, go ahead and talk to your wife and see what's going on. If she wants a divorce, give her one. However, you are married and I can see you are comtemplating sleeping with this other woman. The affair is already done in your heart. Now, does your wife deserve that disrespect? No. It is better to tell her what's going on than treat her as you would someone you don't care about. My ex and I are still respectful of each other because of how we treated each other. I filed for the divorce and I paid for it. Of course, he didn't want a divorce. However, I asked him to go to counseling and he did for a couple appointments, however, he did not want to continue. I could not continue the marriage without help. At any rate, I am proud of who I am and I didn't sacrifice my integrity. It still takes the unselfish, sacrifice of a spouse, even when you are comtemplating divorce. Don't turn into someone you never were because you want to satisfy your urges. Not saying be miserable, but be respectful to your wife and yourself. If this other woman is all that, she will wait. It's easy to see what we want to see, as opposed to what we need to see. Make an unemotional decision to be the change you want to see. Face it, don't hide it. It's the right thing to do. If your marriage is over, have the courage to know that and say it. There's nothing wrong with honesty. Yes, it may hurt. However, it's a whole lot more honorable than hurting someone else or allowing a pending divorce to be uglier than it has to be. Take off the rose colored glasses and see life as it is and not as you wish it to be. This new, woman is not your wife. No matter how you feel. Face the situation and then you will be morally, free to make other choices. Maybe this is the real deal and maybe you have changed. Trust me, it happens. I never would have thought that my marriage would not be forever. However, if you have changed, then change the situation. Happiness comes and goes, however, fulfillment is totally different. As you know, the first 3-4 months of a relationship is hormones/bliss. You really don't know a person until 6 months to a year. Then you see what you really have. Fifteen years? You and your wife deserve more consideration than 3-4 months. Emotional infidelity is just as real as adultery. Therefore, if this woman fulfilled something missing in your marriage, I totally get it. Just one thing....you are still married. You have to face it head on.

[Jilly Bean]

Your post was brilliant.

 

I read it twice, it was so damn good.

 

Going for popcorn and to wait for the OP to respond...

[Major]

Ordinarily I would agree with this sentiment.

 

However, gentleguy's wife is an absolute abusive EVIL FIEND. SHE IS LITERALLY DRIVING HIM INSANE. She took advantage of her professional position to start an inappropriate relationship with him, most likely at his most vulnerable, AND SHE NEVER LET GO OF HIM. Even now, his intellect realizes how much psychological control over him that she has; emotionally he is at her mercy exactly the same way a physically battered wife is. It is no different than if she had him physically locked up in a dungeon in her basement.

 

She is pure EVIL.

 

He needs to LEAVE RIGHT NOW. Getting a gf on the side, whether it's this current one or someone else, is IRRELEVANT.

I don't know his wife, and I don't know him. Just the information in the blog actually. It is interesting that she was his counselor and that is inappropriate, however, morally speaking, not knowing either of them, divorce is the right option I believe. I really wouldn't call either names, just looking at the situation as objectively as possible with the information that I see. Hopefully something that someone says will assist him in making the right decision for his life. Take care.

[whichwayisup]

My wife seems to be very happy, but I've been feeling increasingly disillusioned and depressed.

 

Come clean. Tell her the truth and together you two can sort this out.

 

Just keep in mind, what you have with your wife is reliable, safe and continually is growing. This woman made you who YOU are today. Sure maybe she isn't hot,sexy get your blood pumping, swing from the ceiling type of wife - Aka, you are missing some passion in your marriage, but are YOU willing to give up ALOT (everything I mentioned above, as well as inlaws, step kids, extended family, friends, the life you've built, work and most of all, the woman who has been there for you through thick and thin) for another woman who makes you 'feel' something you've never felt for your wife?

 

OFCOURSE this new woman makes you feel something. It's NEW. Exciting. Passionate.. But, it's based on selfish feelings, hidden away in secret.

 

Is this woman going to help you, love you like your wife does? Be there in bad times too, not just the fun times and passion in the bedroom?

 

The choice is yours. Just hope you give your wife the opportunity to choose as well. It isn't fair to cheat on her.

[whichwayisup]

I knew it. I knew it.

 

At least there's a part of you that's still sane enough to recognize that the rest of you isn't.

 

How long do you think that little remaining piece of sanity is going to survive?

 

Don't worry about this new girl. It's not about her at all.

 

RUN FOREST RUN. If you remain married to your wife you are going to end up doing something violent--to her, to yourself, to both of yourselves. Or as an abusive spouse, SHE will do something violent and destructive to you. LEAVE. NOW. SHE WILL NEVER CHANGE.

 

....and NEVER LOOK BACK.

 

Ok, did I miss something here on this thread?

[Major]

Ok, did I miss something here on this thread?

Yeah...I didn't see the violent part either. Just that she was his counselor first. Mmmm...let me know if you find it. Lol!

[whichwayisup]

Quote: by original poster.

On the other hand, she can be jealous and possessive, even at times emotionally abusive, particularly if I'm going out and doing any activity that she's not interested in. She doesn't like me having friends or activities outside the marriage.

 

Can you please give an example or two of her being emotionally abusive? Do you mean bitchy or actual name calling, putting you down, being rude, etc?

 

Yes, she's an abusive spouse, and you've got battered husband syndrome, at least in the psychological sense. Or Stockholm Syndrome if you like. She's held you hostage for 14 years and you think you're supposed to like it. What you're saying now only cements the obvious, that your wife is not playing with a full deck.

 

I think this is abit exaggerated.

[whichwayisup]

Yeah...I didn't see the violent part either. Just that she was his counselor first. Mmmm...let me know if you find it. Lol!

 

Read the 2nd page. It still doesn't warrant for that poster to say his wife is more or less crazy. She has issues, like everyone else in the world. Just like his new OW, has issues as well.

[Major]

Yeah...this thread is getting scary:) Lol!

[Chrome Barracuda]

If you know its wrong why are you doing this??? wtf is wrong with you?

[florence of suburbia]

You're obviously furious at your wife and unable to express it directly or even own up to it. And what's with the username? I'm sure you are a gentle guy, as you say, but your hostility is coming out ass-sideways because you're so determined to stifle any negativity. A little anger is not going to kill you or your wife. Anger is normal.

[gentleguy]

If you know its wrong why are you doing this??? wtf is wrong with you?

Wouldn't it be easy and grand if right and wrong were so simple and clear cut! As I said before, with fidelity I have been 100% squeaky clean and incident free my whole life. This present situation is testing me to the max. What bothers me is feeling my willpower and resolve weakening. To put it mildly, my whole self-perception, value system, perception of my wife and our marriage are being shaken to the core. Which is the greater wrong? Betraying vows of commitment, or suffocating one's own soul and emotional health in a stagnant repressive union?

 

Thanks to all for your feedback so far - even the beatings around the skull with the steel girders. It's giving fresh input.

 

g

[whichwayisup]

Please read my earlier responses to you..

 

This present situation is testing me to the max. What bothers me is feeling my willpower and resolve weakening.

 

That's because you're nurturing what you feel for this OW. You're spending time with her, bonding. If you back off and detach, put some distance between you and her, you might have better control over whether or not you two end up in bed or fool around.

 

To put it mildly, my whole self-perception, value system, perception of my wife and our marriage are being shaken to the core.

 

That's because of the position you've put yourself in. Also, the perception of yourself too. Since you say you've never cheated in your life, DO not start now. If you cheat, you might hate the person you'll become. You'll begin to lie, hide and do things you normally have never done. Don't be that guy. BE HONEST NOW and come clean with your wife. Atleast this way a change can be made, a fair one for both of you. If you cheat, the change is, YOU become happier by having another woman and keeping your marriage as it is. That isn't fair to your wife, no matter how she is at home.

 

Which is the greater wrong? Betraying vows of commitment, or suffocating one's own soul and emotional health in a stagnant repressive union?

 

The first one. YOU can speak up and talk to your wife. If you are so unhappy in your marriage, leave. Divorce her. But ,do it because you don't love her anymore and you don't want to be with her for the rest of your life. DO NOT just up and leave your marriage because of the OW.

 

If you stay and end it with your OW, and never speak to your wife about how you feel inside, then you've brought the suffocating your own soul, emotional health in a stagnant repressive union all on your own.

 

DO something but don't let it be cheating on your wife. Either divorce and take time by yourself, heal and THEN pursue the OW or fix your marriage and end it with the OW. Whatever you do, don't lead the OW on either, as that's not fair to her.

[2sunny]

Please read my earlier responses to you..

 

 

 

That's because you're nurturing what you feel for this OW. You're spending time with her, bonding. If you back off and detach, put some distance between you and her, you might have better control over whether or not you two end up in bed or fool around.

 

 

 

That's because of the position you've put yourself in. Also, the perception of yourself too. Since you say you've never cheated in your life, DO not start now. If you cheat, you might hate the person you'll become. You'll begin to lie, hide and do things you normally have never done. Don't be that guy. BE HONEST NOW and come clean with your wife. Atleast this way a change can be made, a fair one for both of you. If you cheat, the change is, YOU become happier by having another woman and keeping your marriage as it is. That isn't fair to your wife, no matter how she is at home.

 

 

 

The first one. YOU can speak up and talk to your wife. If you are so unhappy in your marriage, leave. Divorce her. But ,do it because you don't love her anymore and you don't want to be with her for the rest of your life. DO NOT just up and leave your marriage because of the OW.

 

If you stay and end it with your OW, and never speak to your wife about how you feel inside, then you've brought the suffocating your own soul, emotional health in a stagnant repressive union all on your own.

 

DO something but don't let it be cheating on your wife. Either divorce and take time by yourself, heal and THEN pursue the OW or fix your marriage and end it with the OW. Whatever you do, don't lead the OW on either, as that's not fair to her.

 

i agree with the things WWIU pointed out.

 

i do believe that we all have choices about how we participate in any relationship. the way you choose - defines who you are.

 

are you willing to re-define the person you have always been? the person you thought you were? would you be proud of the person you are becoming? as healthy adults - our hope is that our actions and words make us proud, happy and content when we look in the mirror...

 

IF you intend to be with this woman ANY further - i would suggest telling your wife exactly that. SHE also should have choices in your M. she can choose to stay or leave as well. by telling - you are at least being honest with her, it should reduce the level of the power in the secret that it currently has. and then you can decide where you intend to go with it all after it is out in the open and the secret isn't so powerful, as before.

 

above all else, IF you end up getting divorced - at least you would do so with your self respect and the potential to have respect from your former wife as well - in the future. just because you divorce doesn't mean people stop communicating and corresponding. you will need her for your friend - as she's always been with you.

 

think it through. to be deceitful at this juncture may actually be what kills your spirit more than NOT ending up with the OW.

 

the spirit is killed when it carries shame and guilt... nothing kills it faster. eliminate that risk by at least speaking your truth to your wife before you take action on something you can never take back.

 

we respect ourselves when our actions are something to be proud of.

Edited June 22, 2010 by 2sunny

[Chrome Barracuda]

BS....

 

In the end what it all boils down to is choice, take away all the fancy introspection , the marriage, the issues with the wife, it is BLACK and white

 

Nothing more or less.

 

You will or you wont. What choice will YOU make!?

 

Get angry about it all you like but it is what it is...

 

An affair is a choice. not a feeling or an emotion it becomes a stone cold choice.

[2sunny]

since you two have rarely seen a proper date in 14 years - now is the time to start. romance your wife as you would your OW. reconnect on levels you haven't yet explored. discover new things that you may not know about each other. stop focusing all of your interconnections and accomplishments on work.

 

expand your marriage and relationship.

 

this is what any good counselor would tell you to do... but, you already knew that - have you put that into effect yet? she may be more willing if she knew you already had one foot out the door... all the more reason to be up front and honest with her. who knows? maybe she's somewhat bored with you and/or the way your M is going as well. you won't know if you're not perfectly honest and try to renew the M before you decide to tempt yourself further with this OW.

 

while you work at renewing - you must stop any contact with this OW while you focus your energy on your M and your W.

 

are you willing to do these things? be honest.

 

if you're not even willing - then you are just thinking of yourself.

[gentleguy]

since you two have rarely seen a proper date in 14 years - now is the time to start. romance your wife as you would your OW. reconnect on levels you haven't yet explored. discover new things that you may not know about each other. stop focusing all of your interconnections and accomplishments on work.

 

expand your marriage and relationship.

 

this is what any good counselor would tell you to do... but, you already knew that - have you put that into effect yet? she may be more willing if she knew you already had one foot out the door... all the more reason to be up front and honest with her. who knows? maybe she's somewhat bored with you and/or the way your M is going as well. you won't know if you're not perfectly honest and try to renew the M before you decide to tempt yourself further with this OW.

That makes a lot of sense to me.

 

Thanking you and everyone else for the relentless barrage of feedback - both kind and cruel, intelligent and bigoted, constructive and vengefully judgemental. As if by miracle, the bubble seems to have burst on the whole infatuation thing and I have floated gently back to earth. All your feedback was like a scalpel brutally lancing this boil in its early stages.

 

Saw the OW tonight for a cup of tea, she now feels more like just a friend and colleague. While I love her bright mind, sense of humour and playful essence, she now feels shallow to me; many of her core values and life choices are completely at odds with mine, to the extent that a relationship wouldn't last 5 minutes anyway.

 

I look back on the whole episode and my strongest feeling is PHEW!!! It's like I'm seeing how close I skidded toward the edge of a horrible cliff. I came within a fraction of an inch of blowing one of the best things that's ever happened in my life.

 

Yes, my wife and our marriage has issues, lots of them. My own issues are at least as big as hers. How our relationship started is controversial. But we have established a sustainable harmony 98% of the time, and we have the means and the willingness to work through things. I have some personal power and assertiveness issues to address, amongst other things. We've overcome a lot of stuff in our time, and we will overcome a lot more.

 

Within our long-agreed definition of fidelity, I am relieved to say that I did not cheat on her! But OMG it came close. I need to figure out how the hell the OW got so deep under my skin.

 

The brief flash of energy with the OW now feels like a gift - seeing how emotionally shut off she is frightens me, and makes me doubly grateful for the treasure my wife is.

while you work at renewing - you must stop any contact with this OW while you focus your energy on your M and your W. Are you willing to do these things? be honest. If you're not even willing - then you are just thinking of yourself.

Right you are, and yes, I'm willing. As I said before, this whole episode has been so totally out of character for me. I have been loyal to the point of boring!

 

Thanks again everyone. You've helped a lot to save me and my wife from a cruel and messy train wreck.

 

g

[Dexter Morgan]

This has blown my world apart. The dilemma is very disturbing. I've never ever cheated on a partner, or broken up with one partner to be with another. Integrity is very important to me.

 

If integrity is important to you:rolleyes:, then you only have 2 choices.

 

1) acknowledge to this OW that nothing will ever happen between you and her, and that any contact other than professional is prohibited.

 

or

 

2) set your wife free and divorce her.

[SarahRose]

good on ya gentleguy

 

You and your wife have been together a long time and it is really hard to find someone compatible and get along with these days. I'm glad you have decided to stay and try to work things out.

 

Maybe she is willing to compromise and do some more social things with you just because you like it.

 

Are you going to go to counseling together?

[2sunny]

so now that you admit that something has been missing in your M - what do you plan to do about getting what's been missing WITHIN the M?

 

speak to your W to change things up = making the M stronger at this juncture and less vulnerable to the tug of affection and attention from another OW in your future...

 

things must change within the M now that you recognize their is a void of some nature... what will that be?

[califnan]

so now that you admit that something has been missing in your M - what do you plan to do about getting what's been missing WITHIN the M?

 

speak to your W to change things up = making the M stronger at this juncture and less vulnerable to the tug of affection and attention from another OW in your future...

 

things must change within the M now that you recognize their is a void of some nature... what will that be?

 

-----------------------

 

Most married people in affairs will say something was missing in the marriage.. It's an excuse or the affairs magnifiy marrital troubles ..

[Jilly Bean]

WHAT????

 

Yesterday you were so overwhelmed with love and affection you were crying. Now today, you are over her and she means nothing more than a colleague?

 

Something is NOT right here.