break up/ vacation

[lostone89]

Okay, first things first. I was dating this girl (I am a girl), almost two years. Before me she was with 2 other woman, one in a long relationship for years. We were madly in love, and we although were in an inpropable couple we were very happy with each other. She decided that she wanted to go to law school, I stood behind her 100%. The last 6 months of our relationship were kinda stressful, she wasn't doing well on her LSAT's and I hadn't passed my praxis. We lived in the dorms together so we saw eachother everyday but sometimes it was hard because she would be up studying and I would be sleeping.. Once the end of her semester came around she was really into going out to the bars with her friends and I wasn't yet 21. Well she didnt get into any of the law schools she desired and she will now being going to Ohio or Michigan. THere were issues that we were arguing more but not everyday and usually we resolved it pretty quickly. Our sex life went down as well becasue of the added stress with her family and school. My girlfriend graduated and my birthday was 2 days later, i turned 21. We went out for my birthday, i got upset being drunk because i felt like we were drifitng apart and of course i broke down and cried. A few days later she asked for a break.. we still talked, but days later she asked if we could talk again so we did and she wanted to break up. So we did. And I gave her the space that she asked for, she wanted to work on family and going to law school and wanted to just have a carefree summer. So because i loved her i let her go.. We talked occasionally and each time it was wierd because being separated didnt feel right.. she would call me and tell me she missed me, my voice..etc.. but not say i love you. this went on for 3 weeks until i discovered that she was seeing someone else and it was really serious. She left me, for a man that she barely knew but already commited to tellng him that she loved him. She was intimate with him, and is leaving today to go on vacation with him for a week.. I meet up with her to close a joint account yesterday. We sat at a coffee shop and drank coffee and at one point i held her hand and she cried. I told her that i hoped that this guy was worth losing me forever. she told me she was still confused about her life and what she wanted and that she still cared about me. I gave her everything that i possibly could, went broke for her, we went broke for eachother. I dealt with her family issues a lot as well as having my own. In the end, she lied to me for 3 weeks by all of our mutual friends knowing and her asking them not to say anything because she was going to tell me when the time was right, but she never told me.. she says that i am the love of her life and that i was the most faithful person she had ever been with but that our realtionship wasnt what she wanted. I asked her why he deserved a chance and our relationship that was having difficulties (but nothing that couldnt be worked out) wasnt worth it. She just kept telling me that she had already been there before and that she didnt want to do it again plus he was a "nice and sweet guy" she always talked about how she never trusted men to be in a relationship with them but she is in one now, telling him that she hopes he loves her as much as she loves him. she wants to be my friend and work on a friendship when the time is right. she says that our relationship isnt what she wanted because she couldnt be there for me the way i needed her to and that when she went away to law school she would be too busy.. i asked what would happen to her and him when she left and she said if it worked it worked and if it didnt it didnt, but that she didnt want to hate or resent me for our relationship by trying. In the end i told her to enjoy her life and i walked away. The only problem is that we have a paid vacation for in july, a cruise... its me, her, and two friends... all in one room.. i dont want to lose the money and i wont get a full refund.. but i dont know if i should go... she says she wishes i would go.... what should i do??

Edited June 21, 2010 by lostone89
added more

[StarrySkyBlue]

I wouldn't go if I were you. It's just not worth the pain. You're probably going to be miserable during the whole trip anyway. Keep the NC -- it's the best thing for you right now. Good luck!

[lostone89]

the last time i saw her she told me she was still confused and when i held her hand all she did was cry.. she told me i was still the love of her life... and that she didnt know what she wanted anymore... she has a feeling im not going and again asked me to consider going ...

[lostone89]

i decided not to go on the cruise... at frist i was thinking that i wanted her to see what she lost and prove to her that i could go an be perfectly fine without her. but i know thats what she wants thats what she wants to see.. she wants to see me on the cruise, she wants me to go... she wants it to be a check in.. i wont give her that.. and i dont want to do that to myself. i dont want to run the risk of making it a drunk vacation and me having the same feelings all over again.. of course this has been a battle in my head, but she left me so why should i go through this all over again.. plus, i dont know what i would get out of it.. of course a time to relax and just chill, but, it not worth my pain all over again.. its not worth me not eating, not enjoying myself and its not worth being fake over... she decided what would make her happy and now i am deciding what would make me happy.. what will make me feel better.. sure i wish my feet where in the warm sand of jamaica, but its not worth my tears or fustration, i know myself and know that this is just not possible... she left me... for someone else... she left me so she could experience life... i cant say that in july i wont still be hurt but i will go minute by minute.. becasue some moments i am fine knowing that i am so much better off, i could never give her everything she wanted, and i tried so hard, working extra, going broke and even neglecting my family.... but now that she isnt next me.. and although thats hard, i see that if she really was mine, she would have never gone on vacation with him and we would be working things out now. Regardless I will never trust her again, I will never forget her, but I refuse to be one that repeatedly gets hurt over this... I want to be better for myself and its hard, but im a work in progress.. nothing comes easy..