Tea_and_toast Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 Morning all... Last night my boyfriend and I had our first argument ever over something that, at this point in our lives (early 20s) seems almost irrelevant... yet genuinely is now a cause for concern for the continuation of our, thus far, very happy relationship. Having been really enthusiatic for the duration of our relationship about having a family one day, my boyfriend suddenly said: "I don't want children, and If you want a family one day then I can't guarantee that I'll give you that"... he then said that if I would like a family one day in the future then I should find a man that can give me that. He also said that if I stay with him, knowing that he doesn't want a family, then I'm making the decision not to have children. This seems crazy to me.... like how can I decide at my age whether or not to have a family. I don't know how life is going to work out? I don't know how I'll feel about not having a family in the next 10 years or so... I feel like essentially he is asking me to decide between him and my future children, right now in the present. I don't know what to do!! I love him and genuinely want to spend my life with him so the options are (from my point of view..) a) Stay with him and hope that one day he decides that he would like a family... which might work out or might lead to me not having children. b) Leave him and hope that i meet someone else one day that I love as much as I love him and that is open to the idea of children at some point. I can just imagine though, if I were to leave him, hearing about him in 10-15 years time, having a beautiful wife and 3 beautiful children... which I could have had if I'd stuck around. Not a nice image. This seems like a ridiculous situation... early 20s, completely in love, never had a problem in our, thus far, fairytale relationship... yet considering breaking up over something which may never even happen! Yet I don't see how I can, at this age and point in my life, commit myself to not having my own family one day. I'm also struggling to get over a feeling of inequality and, almost, selfishness on his part... In my head relationships are about doing whats best for both of you, helping each other achieve their dreams and compromise.... "me or children" isn't very compromising. sigh. Any helpful insights would be hugely appreciated as I'm completely at a loss. Thanks, T
tippie Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 Dont take this the wrong way but clearly he just kind of gave you his answer on the relationship. I use to be the SAME way && to be honest I think its really selfish of people to feel that way even though at one point that was me. But by all means for some people not having kids WORKS. Kids are forever its a scary thing.. Also I am not saying he isnt the right person for you but when people really have that extreme heart felt connection there willing to do things they never imagined. My last relationship I didnt want kids but its clearly they did. So we agreed this relationship wouldnt work. But the person I am with today I CANT WAIT till we both are ready to start a family. BUt then again we both understand if we dont then we just dont. Has hard as it may be I wouldnt wait around. I hear more women say in life here I am 30, 40 ,50 && I have no children && no grandkids. && the pain is unbearable for these ladies. It is the worst regret. Dont lower your standards && this one is a HUGE standard.
Krytie TV Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 He gave you what every woman spends an entire life searching for. He gave you the truth and he gave it to you before you wasted your life. If you feel you can't decide yet, that has little to do with him. He did his part. What you do now you're responsible for. But good lord DO NOT stay with him hoping he will change his mind. Always bet ON a trend, never against it.
stillafool Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 He gave you what every woman spends an entire life searching for. He gave you the truth and he gave it to you before you wasted your life. If you feel you can't decide yet, that has little to do with him. He did his part. What you do now you're responsible for. But good lord DO NOT stay with him hoping he will change his mind. Always bet ON a trend, never against it. I agree. He was very honest about how he feels and what he wants. You should be thankful he told you know instead of later. So many people do not have the courage to tell the truth.
O'Malley Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 I'm also struggling to get over a feeling of inequality and, almost, selfishness on his part... In my head relationships are about doing whats best for both of you, helping each other achieve their dreams and compromise.... "me or children" isn't very compromising. There can be no compromise on having or not having children. It would be no different had you informed him that unless he wants a family, you can't be in a relationship with him. It's no more or less selfish; it's realistic. A selfish person would have lied outright or by omission about his feelings, in order to stay in a relationship with you. He would have given you false hopes of "someday" in order to avoid the hard choices. It doesn't mean that you have to end the relationship right away, but you need to decide if your desire for a family means more to you than being in a relationship with this man without children. If it does, then the responsibility is on you to walk away.
harmfulsweetz Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 He was honest, and it's more than what can be said for most. That's not selfish at all, it would be selfish of him to outright lie or just not say anything until you get to the point of wanting a family only to tell you he doesn't want one. Children is a deal breaker, I for one, don't want them. And I also tell people that I believe to be potential partners that I do not want them, thus giving them the option to walk at any point. There's no real middle ground here-which is what a comprimise is-finding middle ground. You either have kids or you don't-one of you loses. If you think there's a chance you could want kids in the future, I'd suggest walking. I mean, strong chance. There's always a chance he'll change his mind, but I personally wouldn't take that chance. Children are a big thing to miss out on, and I think he appreciates this fact, which is why he has given you the option. I'd much sooner find out now than ten years down the line. Yes, in all, a relationship deal breaker.
harmfulsweetz Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 Morning all... Last night my boyfriend and I had our first argument ever over something that, at this point in our lives (early 20s) seems almost irrelevant... yet genuinely is now a cause for concern for the continuation of our, thus far, very happy relationship. Having been really enthusiatic for the duration of our relationship about having a family one day, my boyfriend suddenly said: "I don't want children, and If you want a family one day then I can't guarantee that I'll give you that"... he then said that if I would like a family one day in the future then I should find a man that can give me that. He also said that if I stay with him, knowing that he doesn't want a family, then I'm making the decision not to have children. This seems crazy to me.... like how can I decide at my age whether or not to have a family. I don't know how life is going to work out? I don't know how I'll feel about not having a family in the next 10 years or so... I feel like essentially he is asking me to decide between him and my future children, right now in the present. I don't know what to do!! I love him and genuinely want to spend my life with him so the options are (from my point of view..) a) Stay with him and hope that one day he decides that he would like a family... which might work out or might lead to me not having children. b) Leave him and hope that i meet someone else one day that I love as much as I love him and that is open to the idea of children at some point. I can just imagine though, if I were to leave him, hearing about him in 10-15 years time, having a beautiful wife and 3 beautiful children... which I could have had if I'd stuck around. Not a nice image. This seems like a ridiculous situation... early 20s, completely in love, never had a problem in our, thus far, fairytale relationship... yet considering breaking up over something which may never even happen! Yet I don't see how I can, at this age and point in my life, commit myself to not having my own family one day. I'm also struggling to get over a feeling of inequality and, almost, selfishness on his part... In my head relationships are about doing whats best for both of you, helping each other achieve their dreams and compromise.... "me or children" isn't very compromising. sigh. Any helpful insights would be hugely appreciated as I'm completely at a loss. Thanks, T Thing is, you could stay, and you could find out that he still feels the same. He may change his mind, he may not. If you want guarantees of a family, then he isn't your guy. My ex and I broke up partly on the grounds of this. I don't children, he did, he really did. I really didn't. Don't. The middle ground that I saw (snicker) was buying him a crying doll which substitutes for a kid, . He said all of the same things, I might change my mind, etc etc, I said that's a chance you shouldn't be taking if you're serious about a family. I'm not your woman if you want certainties. Each person in an R is responsible for their own dreams and such like, and responsible for their own heart. You have to protect that the best you can and find someone that shares the same desires as you. I know the feeling, it's seemingly such a distance away you can't see why it's affecting you now, but someday, it will affect you. I'm 22, children seem a lifetime away, but I think it's more mature and responsible to face it now, than leave it for later.
ADF Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 Let's back up a minute here and take stock of a few facts: 1) The odds the person you are dating in your early 20s early will be the person you remain with for the rest of your life are EXTREMELY low. It can happen, but it is pretty rare. 2) Many men--maybe even most men--in their early 20s cannot imagine wanting to be fathers. There is nothing uncommon about that. However, most of them do become fathers. Your BF cannot know how he will feel in 10 or 15 years. 3) You yourself cannot say how you will feel in 10 or 15 years. There is a chance--perhaps not a great chance, but a chance--you won't be as easger to become a mother at that point in your life, either. You are too young to break up over this. It is far, far more likely you two will break up over something totally unrelated to this long before this question become an immediate and pressing concern.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 Wow, I feel as if someone led me waaaaaaaaaaaaay too near to the eye of a common house fly. You express VERY NORMAL, very common concerns and feelings, but these simply have to be discussed and negotiated within couples all over the world. Of course you have your options clearly understood, and naturally it is very difficult to even consider withdrawing your love from this relationship only to go back to cultivating the soil in search of another which better suits you. I've been plenty used to seeing a fly on the desk, a fly on the mirror, and a fly at the end of my fly-swatter, but in this metaphor I've been moved very near to such a creature, and I can make-out those many-sided eyes vividly. All I can say from this vantage point is that your concerns are very normal!! Any conclusion at which you arrive will be fine.
bolase Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 I don't think his 'honesty' is to be that much appreciated..as ADF says he is too young to really know what he wants in the way of kids, and probably will want em down the track (because most older men do and most younger men don't). I think it was a foolish and brazen thing to say, that he will regret immensely if you go and break up with him. But I also think its worrying how he even mentioned that you should go for another man..under ANY circumstance.. No man in love with his girl says that genuinely. Either he didnt mean it and just wanted to say it to see if he felt anything himself, or did mean it and is giving you a clue that he doesnt see that type of future for you two. I would worry about that part if I were you, that it was more an easy/cowardly way of distancing himself.. Either way a break up is a big decision but how do you feel? Does he understand that you're hurt, not just cause of having to 'choose', but cause he suggested you could leave him and be with someone ELSE?
Template Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 Why is it that it is the opinion of some of you that the man is being a coward when he may just be honest. Why can't a person love another so unconditionally, that they can see the other person's true happiness is not with them, and they just want to see them happy. I've had 2 relationships in my life in which I broke up with the woman because for whatever reason, I knew it wasn't going to last. However, the convinced me that they've "... never loved someone as much as they love me... " blah blah blah. I did love them, but I knew we were just too different to make it last, but against my better judgement I continued the relationship. End result, even though I've tried to be as loving and caring as I possibly could, they were the ones leaving me anyways - and I knew that it would happen. Look, the dude maybe telling the truth, or maybe just being a jerk. However, he is giving you all the information you need to come to your own decision. I say ignore what everyone is saying her, because it just adds complexity, and you don't need that. You do what's right for you, cuz only you are in the situation that you are in.
BS76 Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 You want kids, he doesn't. It's a pretty big difference in life goals. You either give up on having kids now and stay together, or you call it quits and move on. The end.
Motto Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 I think theres more to it though. The 20s are a weird time (im 25). We are always changing our minds. Thinking we have something only to realize its not what we want. I personally wouldnt put much weight on what he said. You can say all you want, but you cannot speak for yourself 5 years from now, or especially 10. Your wants and needs change and what it might be right now, will almost surely be different if I were to ask you exactly one year from now. Change is the only constant.
Author Tea_and_toast Posted June 28, 2010 Author Posted June 28, 2010 Hi everyone, Thank you all so much for your varied responses! They've really helped me to mull things over a bit... One week on and I now feel, as a combination of my thoughts and feelings and the perspective provided by all of you, that to leave him over this 'baby' issue would be somewhat premature, as we could potentially break up over something else before we even reach that stage, either of us could change our minds, or there is always unfortunately a chance that one or both of us can't physically have children. So breaking up now seems silly. Complete commitment also seems silly though, considering the difference in views on children at the moment. (I may sound like I'm rushing ahead of myself a bit, but we do talk about marriage a fair amount and until last week it was almost an assumption that we would be married in the next 2-3 years.) Now though I feel that I could not commit to him, beyond just being his gf, knowing that essentially I could be putting myself in a no-family position somewhere down the line. I do think that I was perhaps wrong considering him to be selfish, really he is being honest about how he feels, which is good in a relationship! I guess its just unfortunate that how we feel on the subject differs so much! Regarding his phrase of 'find another man that can give you what you want'... he does seem to quite like being seen as a martyr... so I think that could be that part of him speaking. I asked him during the conversation/argument "are you honestly ok with me leaving you and finding someone else, just like that?" and he said of course not, he loves me, wants to spend his life with me... so I'm thinking its his martyr voice speaking! But I am also aware that he could be using this family issue as a way of leading to a break up. Either way... I haven't seen him since the argument as we're in a LDR, and he is now abroad for a while, but when I next see him we can have a calmer chat about things. We've spoken on the phone and it was like everything was wonderful again, but I don't want to leave this as it is; I'd rather just have a sort of conclusion chat before we continue in which ever direction we go! Thank you all again for your comments above, T
Joe Normal Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 It's easy to paper over huge differences like this, but you are just ignoring the elephant in the room. You want kids, he doesn't - one of you is going to be deeply disappointed. I recommend you break up. Relationships between people with fundamentally incompatible and conflicting relationship needs, just don't work.
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