justmeandyou Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 I have been with my partner on and off your over 10years. I moved out about a 1 ½ ago – we became good friends and decided to give it another chance – why? Promises, Promises. My partner is the nicest man, he is loyal and does anything , almost anything to keep me happy. A great Dad and a great provider. On the outside it looks perfect I know– in my heart its not. You see I moved out because I found some pictures that he had hidden – pictures that exposed him as a peeping tom. He took pictures of unsuspecting women on beaches from behind bushes etc. Nothing of women in houses or anything like that but at the end of the day pictures are pictures. It was from early on in out relationship – I never suspected a thing – however he always hid stuff – financial stuff from me like 8 bank accounts– even though we share a child and a house, everything to do with finances are kept well away from me and over the years anything he thinks are kept away from me too We never got married – the gave me a ring once and his words were “here you go this is what you want”. Never please “marry me?”. We never really got very far when talking about planning a wedding. We still don’t – I have been back for 6 months now – he says he wants to get married wants to save up for a great ring ( doing lots of renos on the house lately) but that’s as far as it goes. Always He seemed to have it all great job, great car great on paper – but he was always really quiet. I am not. I love to have friends around me – when I am with him, I don’t. I don’t believe he would resort to taking photos of other women – but I cant really seem to move on from that either. Intimately I don’t like having sex with him – its bad, he does not really try and please me too much. Its over when he is over. I don’t enjoy kissing him either – also not really good either. But I am attracted to him I am with someone who is caring, loyal, very supportive and good provider, good father and someone who never fights – and never wants to loose me so then if sex is the only thing not good – is it really that bad. I find him boring and often negative and I don’t like it rubbing off on me because I am bubbly and love life. I often thought it’s a necessary balance, introvert and extrovert. I just want to be happy and at the moment im not. Im lost
spyyder Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 He takes pictures of unsuspecting women...so what?? Whats the big deal they are just pictures, none of which have him in, he's just the photographer I think he's the type that likes hiding. He likes hiding to take pictures, and probably enjoys hiding stuff from you. Lets be honest, there are many places where barely clothed women would love you to take pictures of them, so why take it of woman who are unaware of it..because he enjoys the hiding. He hides bank accounts from your because again, he likes the hiding. Either that or he's protecting himself from further losses if he has to pay child support one day. As you said your the happy positive type, and your guy is the opposite. Your wrong thinking that you need a guy thats the opposite of that. While its good to have a guy thats the opposite of you, its not good to have a guy thats the opposite of your happy go lucky personality. However, you do seem to share everything including a child, just like a married couple. I don't have kids so I'm no expert but I would never raise a child with a woman that I just have a girl/boyfriend type relationship with. I can understand your desire to get married and he really should man up and do it. Personally I love sex, but I could live without it if I was with a wonderful girl. I'm actually in a 'second chance' relationship with my girlfriend who I love so much...but the sex is no where near as good as what I had with my ex and ex ex but I don't care. YES I think that sex is important but it is not the most important thing. Perhaps you should try the temporary break up route to get him to change and REALIZE the problems??? Its risky but could fix all your problems.
StarrySkyBlue Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 For me, if you feel it's not right then it's not right. It seems you feel like you're lacking that kind of emotional intimacy with him and you're having doubts about the relationship. I think you need to find what you need in a relationship as opposed to what you want. They are different things. Needs are indispensable and should never be neglected. You will never be happy if your needs aren't met. For wants you can tweak a bit and give up some of it for the 'right person'.
U2RockZz Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 he did a great job in hiding bank accounts from you....if you both were married,you would have left him anyways....he is boring(normal)..isn't it..???...so why bother...at least he can save his money...most importantly time....get over it move on....
KafkasLastWords Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 I have been with my partner on and off your over 10years. I moved out about a 1 ½ ago – we became good friends and decided to give it another chance – why? Promises, Promises. My partner is the nicest man, he is loyal and does anything , almost anything to keep me happy. A great Dad and a great provider. On the outside it looks perfect I know– in my heart its not. You see I moved out because I found some pictures that he had hidden – pictures that exposed him as a peeping tom. He took pictures of unsuspecting women on beaches from behind bushes etc. Nothing of women in houses or anything like that but at the end of the day pictures are pictures. It was from early on in out relationship – I never suspected a thing – however he always hid stuff – financial stuff from me like 8 bank accounts– even though we share a child and a house, everything to do with finances are kept well away from me and over the years anything he thinks are kept away from me too We never got married – the gave me a ring once and his words were “here you go this is what you want”. Never please “marry me?”. We never really got very far when talking about planning a wedding. We still don’t – I have been back for 6 months now – he says he wants to get married wants to save up for a great ring ( doing lots of renos on the house lately) but that’s as far as it goes. Always He seemed to have it all great job, great car great on paper – but he was always really quiet. I am not. I love to have friends around me – when I am with him, I don’t. I don’t believe he would resort to taking photos of other women – but I cant really seem to move on from that either. Intimately I don’t like having sex with him – its bad, he does not really try and please me too much. Its over when he is over. I don’t enjoy kissing him either – also not really good either. But I am attracted to him I am with someone who is caring, loyal, very supportive and good provider, good father and someone who never fights – and never wants to loose me so then if sex is the only thing not good – is it really that bad. I find him boring and often negative and I don’t like it rubbing off on me because I am bubbly and love life. I often thought it’s a necessary balance, introvert and extrovert. I just want to be happy and at the moment im not. Im lost Just - Please do yourself a favor and stop now before it's too late. I know we hear the old saying "opposites attract" from a young age and are conditioned to think it's true but there is a HUGE difference between complementary opposites vs. contradictory opposites. I am just out of a 5 year relationship (we broke up 2.5 months ago) and the more time I have away from him to heal, the more I realize that he put out the fire inside me while we were together. I was energetic, bubbly, social, positive... he was none of these things and I changed myself to suit how he was. Looking back, I wish I could get that time back to really be myself through it all. Someone you are with, let alone thinking of spending the rest of your life with, should contribute to bringing out the best in you as a couple. I am reading a book now that has really shed a LOT of light on things for me and I highly recommend it. It's called "How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk" - it's actually really funny because I got it for free in a gift bag from an event 3 years ago and it was at my boyfriend's apartment ever since. Every time I'd flip through it he'd get offended because of the title. I wish I read it back then You can read about the book here http://nojerks.com/TheBook/AboutBook.htm I think you can get it for cheaper at one of these sites... http://www.google.com/products/catalog?hl=en&q=how+to+avoid+marrying+a+jerk&cid=9599250195217344575&ei=rxsiTIeqJomWwwX6tIjTCg&sa=title&ved=0CAcQ8wIwADgA#p Good luck!
brokendream Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 10 years is a long time to be together and you share so much, a child, a house...no wonder you rationalise your reasons for staying together. I understand that on paper everything about him seems good but if you are not truly happy then it's never going to change. His personality wont change and the sex...well that could be improved but first you would have to tell him that you are not happy with your sex life. He doesn't seem like the kind of person to take this well. It's up to you how you want to live your life. You could stay with this man and have a luke warm relationship, never feeling truly fulfilled, or you could take your chances and leave him. Something better could be out there for you.
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