xRJ85x Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 Since lately I've been told by many that I need to start dating multiple girls at once (something I haven't done before so obviously have no idea about), what is the normal frequency for dating a girl while bouncing around several? This is sort of in relation to my current problem that a few on here may remember; a girl I went on a first date with was all about me, a tried to schedule for the next weekend (she was legitimately busy), and then didn't call back when I left a message about scheduling for this past weekend (which was a week ago when I called). I know a couple on here said I didn't look desperate at all, but I'm wondering if maybe I did a little simply because I was trying to plan dates with her a few days in advance for three weeks straight. The reason was that she lives an hour away so I could only meet up with her on the weekends. So my overall question for the guys is how do you successfully bounce several women around at once? Do you see every girl at some point during the week, or if you only go out on weekends to you see girls A & B one weekend, then C & D the next, and flip flop them each weekend?
USMCHokie Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 I've been trying to see them at least once a week...but I try to limit to just one day or night on the weekends...I've honestly been a bit overwhelmed in the past month or so, and I definitely miss going out with the guys on a Friday or Saturday night... I don't think I could do four at once...I was at three and one never returned a call, which I'm kind of glad for now, but even two takes a lot of time... Dates seriously get old after a while...
Author xRJ85x Posted June 21, 2010 Author Posted June 21, 2010 I've been trying to see them at least once a week...but I try to limit to just one day or night on the weekends...I've honestly been a bit overwhelmed in the past month or so, and I definitely miss going out with the guys on a Friday or Saturday night... I don't think I could do four at once...I was at three and one never returned a call, which I'm kind of glad for now, but even two takes a lot of time... Dates seriously get old after a while... hahaha Sounds like a nice problem to have. That's what I thought was a decent frequency, but there's only 2 1/2 days in a weekend. And obviously you're not supposed to put hoes before bros to the point where you said (not seeing them at all!) But you know the story I'm b*tching about again hahaha. So my question would be, if someone (girl or guy to the opposite) didn't call back for like a week and a half (because the previous weekend they were out with someone else), and then said "Hey, lets go out again," would that be normal? Should the person who wasn't having as much success dating accept that with no worry or annoyance (as if to look like they're dating just as many people as well)?
that girl Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 What are you looking for? A girlfriend? A bunch of casual dates? If you're looking for a girlfriend, seeing multiple people at once is tricky. Even if someone has no claim to you, they might write you off, particularly if you're waiting two weeks between dates. Really, if you're having trouble keeping one girl interested, why do you think you'd suddenly have 4 vying for the honor? I think it is possible to have a lot of first/second dates around the same time. What gets a lot trickier is the girl juggling you're talking about. As for looking desperate, why do you care? I would assume she just wasn't interested or was too busy, you really didn't call enough to come off as desperate.
Author xRJ85x Posted June 21, 2010 Author Posted June 21, 2010 Dates seriously get old after a while... Dates get old both ways too! When you're like me (pickiest person in the world) and you work up a week or two's worth of conversation online, and finally get to the first date, it feels like you just accomplished climbing Mt. Everest. I'm having a tough time getting motivation to initiate contact with other girls again, because it feels like a chore.
USMCHokie Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 (edited) So my question would be, if someone (girl or guy to the opposite) didn't call back for like a week and a half (because the previous weekend they were out with someone else), and then said "Hey, lets go out again," would that be normal? Should the person who wasn't having as much success dating accept that with no worry or annoyance (as if to look like they're dating just as many people as well)? This is a good question...for me, if that third girl who dropped off the face of the planet suddenly called me this week and asked if I wanted to do something, I'd probably say yes...I understand the online dating game and I don't take it personally or get butt hurt if a girl decides to explore another avenue that ends up not working out...but then again I really liked that girl... But if you believe in the "I won't be someone's second (or fifth) choice," then of course you'd tell them to f*ck off... Edited June 21, 2010 by USMCHokie
Author xRJ85x Posted June 21, 2010 Author Posted June 21, 2010 What are you looking for? A girlfriend? A bunch of casual dates? If you're looking for a girlfriend, seeing multiple people at once is tricky. Even if someone has no claim to you, they might write you off, particularly if you're waiting two weeks between dates. Really, if you're having trouble keeping one girl interested, why do you think you'd suddenly have 4 vying for the honor? I think it is possible to have a lot of first/second dates around the same time. What gets a lot trickier is the girl juggling you're talking about. As for looking desperate, why do you care? I would assume she just wasn't interested or was too busy, you really didn't call enough to come off as desperate. Long term girlfriend. I could care less about dating (in fact, I always thought of it as just looking for long term relationships, but apparently some people just look at it as hanging out with as many different people of the opposite sex as possible with little return). I know, which is why I'm still really confused. I didn't look that desperate, and people said she's probably found someone else better. But unless some guy one-upped me between the hours of 9pm and 10pm on Sunday night (she responded to a keep-in-touch text less than 24 hours before I called her), then I dunno how she lost interest. I know people on here said "You left a message, don't call again!" but it just feels weird. And as I said above, I'm really really picky so when I find a girl I like, I reeeaaallllyyy like her! hahaha
USMCHokie Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 And as I said above, I'm really really picky so when I find a girl I like, I reeeaaallllyyy like her! hahaha And this can be a mistake...you need to treat them all the same at the beginning...don't get too emotionally attached to one too early...especially if you're multi-dating...that's what happened to me with the "third girl" that disappeared...I thought she was so awesome that I basically halted everything with all the others thinking she was the "one"...then she disappeared...luckily she made a quick exit...
Author xRJ85x Posted June 21, 2010 Author Posted June 21, 2010 This is a good question...for me, if that third girl who dropped off the face of the planet suddenly called me this week and asked if I wanted to do something, I'd probably say yes...I understand the online dating game and I don't take it personally or get butt hurt if a girl decides to explore another avenue that ends up not working out...but then again I really liked that girl... Exactly, you do the same thing with many girls, I would too. So I guess that answers the question. We technically have to fight for them (though dates haha). So it's kinda like a revolving door: one date, wait for the other dudes to get their turn, then go in for the second date on your turn again. But if you believe in the "I won't be someone's second (or fifth) choice," then of course you'd tell them to f*ck off... And this is wherein lies the problem, and you could bring that "Do you only get one shot?" thread discussion into this too. The more you get to know somebody, the more you're gonna know if they're the best for you. So technically it sounds right that you go out and date multiple people, and it seems like you should expect to wait a week or two for a call to go out again. But contradicting that is the "not using yourself as a doormat/not being a b*tch" part. Because it feels like accepting a date with someone after they didn't call you in forever is basically looking a little desperate.
that girl Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 Long term girlfriend. I could care less about dating (in fact, I always thought of it as just looking for long term relationships, but apparently some people just look at it as hanging out with as many different people of the opposite sex as possible with little return). I know, which is why I'm still really confused. I didn't look that desperate, and people said she's probably found someone else better. But unless some guy one-upped me between the hours of 9pm and 10pm on Sunday night (she responded to a keep-in-touch text less than 24 hours before I called her), then I dunno how she lost interest. I know people on here said "You left a message, don't call again!" but it just feels weird. And as I said above, I'm really really picky so when I find a girl I like, I reeeaaallllyyy like her! hahaha It probably isn't about finding someone better. Some times you just don't click with someone. They're nice enough, they're attractive enough, but you're just not interested enough to make time in your schedule. And the person one girl feels is meh is another girl's awesome catch. Or she's legitimately crazy busy- you don't know her, her mom could have died, she could have gotten fired, her best friend might be at her apartment right now fleeing an abusive boyfriend. I know those are crazy suggestions, but things happen like that. I once had a friend stand me up when I was visiting her city, I was super pissed until I found out one of her family members was hospitalized. The point is, you just can't know what happened so you have to move on. If you want a girlfriend, my advice is to contact a lot of girls and ask for a lot on first dates. But trying to see a bunch of girls multiple times just bouncing around isn't the best idea- a girl who is interested may lose interest when you wait two weeks between dates.
Author xRJ85x Posted June 21, 2010 Author Posted June 21, 2010 And this can be a mistake...you need to treat them all the same at the beginning...don't get too emotionally attached to one too early...especially if you're multi-dating...that's what happened to me with the "third girl" that disappeared...I thought she was so awesome that I basically halted everything with all the others thinking she was the "one"...then she disappeared...luckily she made a quick exit... Well, the difference is I just don't talk to a girl unless I really like her. Everyday, I look through quite a few profiles, and so far there's been maybe 5 that I've initiated a conversation with and gotten a response. I figure if I don't really feel anything looking at the profile, it would just be a waste of time to talk to them. In fact, I'm out of profiles now online. When I sign on, I first check the "New User" tab, to see if anyone new got on, rather than look for the "Top Match %." So this is why I get emotionally attached a little quick. But thankfully, I've developed patience so I don't come off as desperate. How did the thing with the girl end, if you don't mind me asking?
Author xRJ85x Posted June 21, 2010 Author Posted June 21, 2010 It probably isn't about finding someone better. Some times you just don't click with someone. They're nice enough, they're attractive enough, but you're just not interested enough to make time in your schedule. And the person one girl feels is meh is another girl's awesome catch. Or she's legitimately crazy busy- you don't know her, her mom could have died, she could have gotten fired, her best friend might be at her apartment right now fleeing an abusive boyfriend. I know those are crazy suggestions, but things happen like that. I once had a friend stand me up when I was visiting her city, I was super pissed until I found out one of her family members was hospitalized. The point is, you just can't know what happened so you have to move on. If you want a girlfriend, my advice is to contact a lot of girls and ask for a lot on first dates. But trying to see a bunch of girls multiple times just bouncing around isn't the best idea- a girl who is interested may lose interest when you wait two weeks between dates. Yea, well the problem is this girl told me kissed me on the first date then told me "I really do wanna get together again!" after she said she couldn't do that one weekend. She's been finishing grades up for school, which according to many teacher friends I have is a legit reason. Plus her dog has been sick (which she apparently is taking hard). So my question would be, how do you react? This girl, she could have intended to call me back, but forgot to call. She could have intended to but forgot among all the work, didn't get the message, and now is waiting for me to try again, or else she figures I don't care that much (which in reality I do). Most think I shouldn't call her because if she really cared, she would have called me back. But a couple think "what if" way, plus think I have nothing to lose.
USMCHokie Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 Well, the difference is I just don't talk to a girl unless I really like her. Everyday, I look through quite a few profiles, and so far there's been maybe 5 that I've initiated a conversation with and gotten a response. I figure if I don't really feel anything looking at the profile, it would just be a waste of time to talk to them. In fact, I'm out of profiles now online. When I sign on, I first check the "New User" tab, to see if anyone new got on, rather than look for the "Top Match %." So this is why I get emotionally attached a little quick. But thankfully, I've developed patience so I don't come off as desperate. How did the thing with the girl end, if you don't mind me asking? Well, there's nothing wrong with being selective in who you send messages to, but don't forget that you don't know them...so don't get emotionally attached to a few pictures, some text descriptions, and maybe some answers to generic questions or simple small talk in emails back and forth...and just because you might have fewer possibilities going doesn't mean that you need to invest more emotionally into each one... And with the girl, I called her and left a voicemail a few days after what I thought was a great first date to schedule a second, but she never returned my call. Such is life.
Author xRJ85x Posted June 21, 2010 Author Posted June 21, 2010 If you want a girlfriend, my advice is to contact a lot of girls and ask for a lot on first dates. But trying to see a bunch of girls multiple times just bouncing around isn't the best idea- a girl who is interested may lose interest when you wait two weeks between dates. Not to get off track of the main topic, I think initiating contact and going on first dates with girls simply for the sake of doing it is a waste of time and money.
USMCHokie Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 Exactly, you do the same thing with many girls, I would too. So I guess that answers the question. We technically have to fight for them (though dates haha). So it's kinda like a revolving door: one date, wait for the other dudes to get their turn, then go in for the second date on your turn again. An unfortunate truth... Because it feels like accepting a date with someone after they didn't call you in forever is basically looking a little desperate. Perhaps...but whatever, if a girl is one who would consider me "desperate" because I'm accepting a date under those circumstances, then I'd speculate that she wouldn't have called to begin with...either way, I wouldn't get butt hurt over it...
Author xRJ85x Posted June 21, 2010 Author Posted June 21, 2010 Well, there's nothing wrong with being selective in who you send messages to, but don't forget that you don't know them...so don't get emotionally attached to a few pictures, some text descriptions, and maybe some answers to generic questions or simple small talk in emails back and forth...and just because you might have fewer possibilities going doesn't mean that you need to invest more emotionally into each one... And with the girl, I called her and left a voicemail a few days after what I thought was a great first date to schedule a second, but she never returned my call. Such is life. Yea, I don't think I go too far with it, but I definitely get really into it when I'm talking to one. It's tough though not investing emotionally, because the more standards/picky-ness you have, the rarer you see something and obviously the more attracted to it you're going to be. Especially when the girl makes it sound like she's feeling the same way. Sorry to hear that though.
USMCHokie Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 Not to get off track of the main topic, I think initiating contact and going on first dates with girls simply for the sake of doing it is a waste of time and money. I don't think she is saying that you should go on first dates just for the hell of going on a date...she's suggesting that you expand your dating pool by meeting more women...if it's a long term relationship you're looking for, you'll probably have a better chance of finding someone who fits what you're looking for in a girlfriend when you're meeting lots of women and going on those first dates...dating is simply a numbers game...
Author xRJ85x Posted June 21, 2010 Author Posted June 21, 2010 Perhaps...but whatever, if a girl is one who would consider me "desperate" because I'm accepting a date under those circumstances, then I'd speculate that she wouldn't have called to begin with...either way, I wouldn't get butt hurt over it... Wow...that's actually a really good point. Makes you feel better about going out with a girl again if she does pull the wait two weeks thing. Then again, some guys think (and have success) with waiting a whole week before calling a girl for the first date, so I maybe not getting call back in a week or week and a half isn't all as bad as it hits us?
Author xRJ85x Posted June 21, 2010 Author Posted June 21, 2010 I don't think she is saying that you should go on first dates just for the hell of going on a date...she's suggesting that you expand your dating pool by meeting more women...if it's a long term relationship you're looking for, you'll probably have a better chance of finding someone who fits what you're looking for in a girlfriend when you're meeting lots of women and going on those first dates...dating is simply a numbers game... So in other words, be on multiple dating sites (which I am actually), keep going to bars and other places, etc.?
USMCHokie Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 Yea, I don't think I go too far with it, but I definitely get really into it when I'm talking to one. It's tough though not investing emotionally, because the more standards/picky-ness you have, the rarer you see something and obviously the more attracted to it you're going to be. Especially when the girl makes it sound like she's feeling the same way. Simple solution to this...don't say too much, ask too many questions, or divulge too much information in the pre-meet emails and messages...save all that for the first date...first, it gives you something to talk about on that first date, and second, it doesn't build up an expectation in your mind prior to actually meeting the person... Wow...that's actually a really good point. Makes you feel better about going out with a girl again if she does pull the wait two weeks thing. Then again, some guys think (and have success) with waiting a whole week before calling a girl for the first date, so I maybe not getting call back in a week or week and a half isn't all as bad as it hits us? Eh, it's irrelevant. Concentrate your efforts on other girls who don't play stupid games...and cross that bridge only if you ever get to it...
USMCHokie Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 So in other words, be on multiple dating sites (which I am actually), keep going to bars and other places, etc.? Yep. Take advantage of all your resources and opportunities. But also have fun. And don't forget your bros...
Author xRJ85x Posted June 21, 2010 Author Posted June 21, 2010 Simple solution to this...don't say too much, ask too many questions, or divulge too much information in the pre-meet emails and messages...save all that for the first date...first, it gives you something to talk about on that first date, and second, it doesn't build up an expectation in your mind prior to actually meeting the person... I almost feel like I have to just to get the girl's trust though. It's a lot easier being a girl online, because girls are the one's worrying about the creeps, axe-murderers, and guys who simply want sex. Guys don't have to worry about that, we can spot fake profiles no problem. So we have to gain their trust. Maybe you've got it down a lot better than I do, but I always feel like "I gotta climb this mountain to give me her number," like it's a chore.
jamal Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 Honestly, I fail to understand this numbers game. Juggling 3 women simultaneously must be costly. Lets say each date costs an average of $60 and you date 3 women a week. That would work to about $180/week or $720/month. So, you guys must be having a dating budget or between $500-$800 per month. Spending all this money only to find out that you are not compatible or getting friendzoned. Personally, I am a one woman man and if it does not work out I then move on to the next. I believe in quality and not quantity. I believe that if you are doing things right there should be no need to date more than 5 women per year.
USMCHokie Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 I almost feel like I have to just to get the girl's trust though. It's a lot easier being a girl online, because girls are the one's worrying about the creeps, axe-murderers, and guys who simply want sex. Guys don't have to worry about that, we can spot fake profiles no problem. So we have to gain their trust. Maybe you've got it down a lot better than I do, but I always feel like "I gotta climb this mountain to give me her number," like it's a chore. Oh, don't get me wrong, it's definitely a chore...and I'm not saying that you should just be sending her one line emails...but don't do too much of the "initial interview" over email...save some for the first meet...that way you don't build her up onto a pedestal before you even meet her... And also, by having more options, it's easier to place less emotional attachment to each girl...at least in theory...
USMCHokie Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 Honestly, I fail to understand this numbers game. Juggling 3 women simultaneously must be costly. Lets say each date costs an average of $60 and you date 3 women a week. That would work to about $180/week or $720/month. So, you guys must be having a dating budget or between $500-$800 per month. Spending all this money only to find out that you are not compatible or getting friendzoned. Oh hellllz no... The dates definitely don't come out to that much...and actually each of the girls I've dated has met me halfway date-to-date...so I'd pay for one, they'd pay for one, etc... EDIT: And also, there is no friend-zone. I don't remain friends with failed dates... Personally, I am a one woman man and if it does not work out I then move on to the next. I believe in quality and not quantity. I believe that if you are doing things right there should be no need to date more than 5 women per year. I was also a one-woman man, mainly because I felt lucky as hell just to get one woman to go out with me...and still am at heart, but I kind of stumbled onto this multi-dating nonsense in recent weeks...so I'm pretty new to it...and I honestly don't like it...for many of the same reasons you stated... But I won't pass up the opportunity...
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