Why is separation anxiety the same for either an online or real time relationship?

[Austin3759]

I've been having an online relationship with a very lovely woman for the past 2 years. We have chatted/cammed daily for nearly 2 years. We have exchanged gifts; telephoned, and other mutual plesantries. She's only a 3 hour drive away. I have tried to encourage her to agree for us to meet, but, she's apprehensive, and claims that she's not mentally open because of being in an abusive relationship years ago. She claims she's neither married, nor dating anyone, and I believe this by virtue of her employment (she's an online cam performer). I truly believe I love this woman, she evokes feelings, physical and emotional, that I haven't felt in years. She also expresses the same feelings. I have passed up opportunities to date 'real people in real time' because of the way I feel toward her. I feel I should end this with her and move on to a real time real life relationship with a more receptive person, but just can't bring myself to do it. I find her constantly on my mind, and always think of her when I browse shopping catalogs or items that we shared a mutual interest. I need advice/suggestions for the following questions:

 

1. Am I in an addictive relationship, and if so, how can I escape it?

 

2. Why does an online relationship produce the same stresses as a real time relationship, and what can I do to alleviate the stress induced panic and anxiety attacks?

 

3. Is it normal to put up walls and barriers to other when going through this.

 

I will appreciate any feedback.

 

Thanx!

[moimeme]

Am I in an addictive relationship, and if so, how can I escape it?

 

Yes. You're going to have to tell her that you need to meet or you will end it. That she refuses to meet you is a HUGE red flag. No matter how many issues a person may have from her past, there is no reason on the planet she can't have coffee with you. She surely runs into men every day of her life from whom she does not flee. I suspect she may have more than one online 'love' going on; her occupation would indicate that she has a high need for attention and that may spill over to her relationship life.

 

You have to shut down the constant thinking about her because that is what feeds your addiction. Use the STOP method - simple as pie; when you find yourself thinking of her, tell yourself to STOP and then switch to thinking of something else - a work problem, sports, something. Think of it as you would ending any other sort of addiction.

 

2. Why does an online relationship produce the same stresses as a real time relationship, and what can I do to alleviate the stress induced panic and anxiety attacks?

 

There was a study done on this recently. I don't believe anybody has quite yet come up with an answer to the 'why'. Some have suggested that people create their own pleasing images of the internet folks and that's what they grow fond of. I think there's more to it than that but the upshot is that people react to internet people the way they do to 3D people; same attachments, same feelings of rejection and loss if they break up, etc. Once you are out of the relationship, you can go back to having stress and panic attacks over 3D people.

 

3. Is it normal to put up walls and barriers to other when going through this.

 

If you mean is it normal to not want to date others? Yes because you feel you should be 'faithful'. If you mean that you don't tell people about the relationship, yes it's normal but it's a sign that you are addicted in an unhealthy way. Apparently, the healthy approach to internet friendships is to incorporate them into the rest of your life; talk about internet pals with 3D pals, etc.