Here Goes Nothing

[lkjh]

Hey ljkh------Fine, You are right---she lied, and she should have fessed up----we both know why she lied---but yes she lied, and kept her JOB, a dark secret---and yes, he probably would have been gone, had she told him the truth. OK----so where does it go from here----I am now saying that if the OP is telling us the way it is, that her BF, is still checking on her---by going in her purse, checking her phone---etc. Don't you think that is a bit much for this situation----at what point does he back off, or is he gonna play prison guard for the duration of their relationship.

 

Once she told him, and fessed up, and quit her job---in this situation---that should have been enuff-----she did not cheat----she does not deserve to be treated like a criminal, and constantly be checked on, and put under the microscope.

 

Tell you what, let's put you in this exact same situation----how much of this constant distrust by your partner are you gonna allow, and for how long ----once again remember you did not cheat --you withheld info about what kind of job you were working at.

 

Look you are trying to demonize this guy by calling him things like prison guard. Your logic makes no sense what so ever. You are basing everything off a completely selfish point of view.

 

Why should it have been enough for her to fess up? Did you not read the part where he found out and she had to fess up? She lied to him for two years and you want this guy to completely forget about it now? This wasn't a small thing

 

Look I didn't want to get into this because I don't want the OP thinking that others think badly about her but what she did is pretty close to cheating. She was being payed to pleasure other men. If my girlfriend got naked and had dry sex(which is what a lap dance is) with a guy I would consider that cheating and so would you. But somehow its ok now in your eyes because she was being payed to do it? Some how getting naked and grinding on other men is ok if you get payed. How does that make sense?

 

Anything that you are not willing to do in front of your SO is cheating.

 

How do you not get that this guy was lied to and betrayed for 2 years?

 

Also she didn't come out and tell him, he found out. She said she was caught. Stop making stuff up to fit your stance on the issue

 

 

Look you are bias and you are never going to see it through his eyes

[lkjh]

goodheart,

I hope things are going ok. Judging by the tone of your post and the fact that you recognize that what you did was wrong(which is rare), I really believe that you are a good person. I hope everything works out for you

[Shakz]

GH I advise you to have a "come to Jesus", conversation with him and get this thing settled once and for all. You lied and kept it going for 2 years. Bad......very bad....that it was your job is true, but you should have told him. Now he needs to decide if he can accept that you are a liar, with extenuating circumstances, and that you also "performed ", lap dances, but that your motives were good. But more importantly, you BOTH, need to decide where this relationship is going, and how much each of you is willing to invest in it. You are NOT a whore!!!

 

Joe, do you honestly believe that a man could live with a woman for two years and not know she was a stripper?

[turnera]

I may be wrong, but I've always thought that men hold a special place in their minds for their mate's 'personal attributes.' As in, ownership. No one else can touch it, or see it. That job crossed that line, for him, as it would for many men.

 

That said, he is behaving abominably, and is not to be tolerated. Personally, if my spouse/bf treated me like that, he would be out the door so fast his head would spin.

[jnj express]

You are never gonna see it are LKJH------when is he gonna let it go-----read back---she was already working, and he decided to come back into the picture----sure she lied to him, but their relationship was still not beyond GF--BF----why should she subvert her life to his----we are in the now---and he IS acting like a prison guard in that he is constantly checking on her-----

 

As to her job---so what if she provided lap dances---it brought her good money----she dissasociated herself from work action, and never brought anybody home----once again----he was the one who wanted back in the picture----she shouldn't have lied, but why should she have to give up her job----and stripping is NOT cheating if you leave it at the workplace

[alexandria35]

Well I gotta agree with ikjh on this one. I think the original poster's boyfriend has been deceived and betrayed and he has every right to feel angry and hurt about that. The problem isn't that she is a stripper it is that she lied about it and then kept that lie going for 2 years. People say..well she was a stripper before he came back into her life so why should she have to change her life for him...I don't think she should have to change anything for him, but why lie about it? She lied because she thought he wouldn't want her if he knew, but he had every right to make that choice for himself. Since when is it okay to lie and hide facts about ones life, in order to manipulate someone into a relationship with you? Hey I'm a smoker and I know some people would never consider having a romantic relationship with a smoker and I fully support their right to make that choice for themselves. Thems the breaks and I accept it. I don't for one second believe it would be okay for me to pretend to be a non-smoker to manipulate a non smoker into a relationship with me and then continue to deceive this person for 2 years ongoing.

 

To be clear I don't believe this poster should be putting up with any abuse of any kind. If her bf has become abusive then she needs to end the relationship and pack his bags. Actually I kind of doubt that this relationship will recover and maybe it is best to call it quits. But the bf is not the bad guy here. He has just found out that his partner of 2 years has been lying to him all along. This is not a little white lie. This is not the same as the husband who asks his wife if she paid the phone bill and wife actually forgot but doesn't want her husband to get annoyed at her so she says yes she did pay the bill, and then she runs out as soon as she can to actually pay it. I think this poster lied on a much larger scale here and it must of been somewhat elaborately executed as well. Did nobody in her life know what she did for a living? If she had friends or coworkers that did know then did she have those people lying to her bf as well? I mean I just don't understand how a person can lie about where they go everyday for 2 years straight unless it is very deliberate and well planned. jnj how would you feel if your partner of 2 years pulled this off with you? Would you really be okay with it? You honestly wouldn't be angry or feel betrayed? You wouldn't wonder what else you had been lied to about?

 

Her bf is treating her like a liar because she has been a liar to him for the past 2 years. How is he supposed to feel about that? I have sons and if one of my sons were to date a stripper I would be perfectly okay with it, no reservations at all. However if one of my sons had a serious gf who he loved but then found out 2 years in that she had been lying all along about what she did for a living, I would have some real concerns about that. Not because she is a stripper but because she is a dishonest person who thought it was okay to lie and deceive in order to get what she wanted. I still wouldn't think it would be okay for my son to abuse his gf for this reason although I would certainly understand his anger and why he wouldn't trust her. Personally I think this relationship should just be over now. The posters bf doesn't trust her anymore and with good reason, but she doesn't deserve to be treated badly for it for the rest of her life. They are not married and have no children, so probably best to call it a day and move on. This doesn't make the girl a bad person (hopefully she has learned not to lie and deceive) and it certainly doesn't make the boyfriend a bad guy either.

[Scrybe]

You lied to him. Fine. You should apologize for that and that alone. I don't think you should have quit the job and I don't think you have anything to be ashamed of. You were taking care of yourself before he came back. Again...it was a big mistake to not tell him the truth up front but that's water under the bridge. You can't go back in time and he's going to have to either get over it or don't. There isn't much more you can do. You don't want to be in a relationship with someone that can't or won't trust you. I've been there...you'll be miserable and it's not worth it.

 

My advice? Go get your job back (if you liked it and it made you happy) until you find something better. Apologize to him for lying one last time and tell him you won't apologize or lie again. Tell him you are not ashamed of the choices you made to survive and if he is then too bad. He's free to move on and move out. You were fine before he came back and you'll be fine after he leaves.

 

Whether you get the job back or not telling him this will do one of two things:

 

1 - He'll pack up and leave. (Good riddance)

2 - He'll get over himself and start over.

 

Good luck to you. There are plenty of men out there who don't mind if you are a stripper. There are even more men who don't care that you were in the past. If I was serious about a girl I'd help her to quit but wouldn't be ashamed of her. Especially if she was a smokin' hot stripper!

[alexandria35]

Well I'm sorry if I was flogging a dead horse about the lying bit. I guess nobody is perfect and yes I have been guilty of lying. But I think there is a big difference between telling a coworker that her hair looks nice when it doesn't and living a lie everyday with someone you claim to love and respect.

 

I also said that this poster shouldn't be putting up with any abuse. I don't think she deserves to be mistreated and I think she should probably just break up with the guy. Yes, relationships can recover from worse things but it takes a lot of hard work and commitment and in this case why bother? They are not married, they have no kids, they don't have years and years together. Just move on. The guy can go find someone he can trust and the woman can go find someone who is okay with her job.

[goodheart]

I'm greatful for the responses, since I am going through a lot, in terms of looking at this relationship and where it's going. I just had to respond to this guy

 

You must have quite a track record and quite a lot of "baggage" that you're choosing to pretend isn't there.

 

This current bf obviously wasn't your first LTR. He sounds actually kind of naiive.

 

You "NEVER" lied to an SO in a LTR before; you "NEVER" cheated on an SO before. Or, do you just mean you never stripped without telling an SO that's what you were doing before?

 

Your story is quite interesting but I think you need to come clean about where you are really coming from.

 

Ever been married before? How many times? Why did your prior marriage(s) end? Any kids? Where are they now?

 

LOL a mid-30's-old woman suddenly decides out of the blue "I'll be a stripper!!!" But is savvy enough to lie about it to her SO for two years

 

Well......a lot of folks have baggage and yes, I've never cheated or told a lie OF THIS MAGNITUDE to a partner before. It was calculated. I've lived with, been serious with 4 men, in my life. Never married and no kids.

 

I did not just up and "decide" to become a stripper. I moved from a po-dunk town to the 2nd most expensive city in america, for a REAL JOB, from which I was laid-off. It's a recession man. I had to grab this gig real quick-like and simply got comfortable with the money and then got lazy with the job hunt....during a recession.

 

As for the attention/sympathy comment. Not really. I have just never been a situation like this and feel really bad and don't know how to handle being one who betrays. I can't believe I've lied to him for this long and I WISH I could afford therapy.

 

Luckily, I've recieved a lot of insight.....from BOTH sides of the fence.

 

Thank You All For That.

[lkjh]

No she didn't cheat. When someone requires transparency it is because of the lying, not the cheating. It's to rebuild trust. She did lie to him in a big way. This is like leading a double life. It's not that she said she's an accountant and she was really a secretary. She was working in a sex related industry. That type of deceit would not be small in most people's eyes. If she wants to rebuild trust in this relationship, then being transparent is necessary.

 

OP, I understand why you did what you did. Times are hard and it's sad that he's unable to see it in a more fair light...but...I can understand him being hurt. What is not acceptable is him calling you names and personally degrading you in that way.

 

If he requires transparency then give it to him, but draw the line at these personal attacks. I'm sure you have already done this but calmly explain to him again why you did what you did and that you're willing to prove to him that you won't lie to him again by giving him access to whatever information he needs and wants, but that you will not tolerate these acts of revenge and name calling etc. To grant reasonable requests that would allow him to trust you again is one thing. To allow him to punish you for this is something entirely different.

 

 

Out of curiosity if a married woman or just some girl in a relationship went to another mans house flirted with him, had a few drinks, and then got naked and gave him a lap dance would you consider it cheating?

 

I would, the only difference here is the fact that she got paid for it. Now if a stripper has a bf and he knows what she does and is ok with it, than that is another story. Simply because he knows and is ok with it.

[JustJoe]

Joe, do you honestly believe that a man could live with a woman for two years and not know she was a stripper?

Shak, I agree with you, to a point. I find it hard to believe that the BF didn't know what his GF did for a living, but the OP said he didn't so I'm going by her words.............. Goodheart, The lying was a bad thing, but his calling you a whore is bad too. I am much more concerned about whether or not this is a good relationship for you both. He is going to have trust issues, and you are going to have self-esteem issues, unless you guys sit down and talk this thing out, or decide to end the relationship, and learn from (both) of your mistakes. You shouldn't be ashamed about the job, either.

[jnj express]

Hey LKJH-----give it up already----how many dead horses are you gonna beat----she HAD her stripper job LONG BEFORE HE CAME BACK INTO THE PICTURE-----

 

And the 1st time around for them, they were just friends----and why would she give up her job, when he 1st moved in with her---she didn't know if it was gonna work----

 

Actually for the 1st part of their time together they probably were not dead serious about their relationship, so he would not have had any right to complain about her job---even if he had known what she did

 

She lied---he is overly controlling----they are NOT engaged----so they both need to get over it

 

If he doesn't like what is going on, he is free to hit the road at any time----he is in her apt., and in the place where she settled down----remember he pursued and chased after her----at some point enuff is enuff

[alexandria35]

Goodheart, what is it that your bf is most upset about? Is it the stripping or is is that he was lied to? That might be the crux of this situation.

 

Some guys think only certain "types" of women do certain things. They have no respect for these types, regardless of any other admirable qualities the women might have. Everything is clouded by their deep seeded belief that a "decent" woman would never do "that". If that is your boyfriend's biggest issue, you would be better off without him. If, in his mind, you are now some kind of lesser woman because of the stripping, you really need to get rid of him. Don't stay with a man who disrespects you or looks down on you as person. It won't get better and you will pay a terrible price for it.

 

If your boyfriend is mostly upset about the lie, well that it understandable, but it is also something that you both might be able to recover from. I agree with the poster that says you will have to be willing to be transparent for a while. Let him check up on you for a bit, let him see that you are doing nothing wrong. Don't put up with being called derogatory names for even one second though.

[hopesndreams]

You lied for 2 years straight. This is reason enough to end it.

 

This is something he will never recover from.

[lkjh]

Jnj, last time I checked I am allowed to give my point of view on this forum. I get it, you don't agree with me and I don't care. I am allowed to give the OP an alternative pov other than yours. A position other than "the woman can do no harm and the man is automatically at fault".

 

We get it, your view is she is allowed to lie and strip for other men because its a job. Mine is lying and stripping is what caused her relationship problems. Yes it is true that at first she wasn't sure about the relationship so she didn't tell him but this is normal. Nobody is sure at first. She continue to lie for two years and this hurt her BF. I am allowed to point this out

 

Jnj, you are not all knowing and there are other mindsets out there than your own. Not everybody has the same selfish attitude as you, so if you don't like my views get over it. Last time I checked you have posted on this topic just as many times as myself and you haven't said anything new.

 

Go back and read my first post and then yours. I was neutral and you immediately fet the need to bash the bf.

 

Get some help and figure out why you are so bitter towards men

[lkjh]

First of all, I don't think how WE each personally define cheating is really relevant to what's happened here. The way it gets fixed is the same in either case.

 

 

 

Second, I don't really understand why you're challenging me when my post basically echoes your own thoughts on the subject.

 

1 - He has a right to be hurt and feel deceived

2 - He has a right to transparency

3 - She has a right to not accept abusive behavior from him

 

I don't believe there's much to debate there.

 

Defining cheating is very important because a few on this thread are trying to simplify this to a simple case of lying. Considering the fact that the bf has said he feels like he got cheated on raises the question. Come on dogging the question doesn't make the scenario change. If a woman in a relationship goes out with another man, has a few drinks, and then gets naked and gives him a lap dance is that cheating? Its a simple yes or no. If that is cheating then why is it now ok in the op scenario simply because she gets paid to do that

 

Secondly Im not challenging you. You flat out said what the OP did was not cheating and I am curious as to what constitutes as cheating.

 

and yes you did seem balanced in your first post

[lkjh]

ok jnj,

since you felt the need to ask me to stop posting because you don't like the fact that I have a different view than you Im gonna call you out.

 

You are simply trying to change the scenario to fit your argument. Everybody realizes that at first they weren't together when she got the job. We get that, we really do. But what you seem to refuse to focus on is that she has been lying to him for two years while they were together. I guess you just want to forget about that part.

 

Point blank, no trying to change the subject. Do you consider it cheating if your SO goes out with someone of the other sex, has a few drinks, and then gets naked and rubs all over them?

 

If so, how is getting paid for this any different?

[2long]

 

So, that is what happened. Now we are a couple. Here is the problem. During the 2 years that I lived alone, in an over-the-top expensive city, I got laid-off from the job I moved here for and became a stripper.

 

The sad part about this is that you felt you had 2 lie or he wouldn't move 2 be with you. But what's done is done. He knows now. You can restore trust, but it takes time and consistency (and truth!).

 

He also needs 2 decide what he wants 2 do and stop stringing you along. He obviously isn't upset enough 2 leave you like he threatened he would, but if he chooses 2 stay it needs 2 be because he wants 2 be with you, not so he can punish you. What good would that do either of you?

 

-ol' 2long

[jnj express]

LKJH your situation is cheating----but that is not necessarily what she did on her job, in close proximity with men----getting naked was probably limited to the stage----She had her clothes on while she was lap dancing---at least that is usually how it goes----

 

Where i am coming from is his continuing abusive checking up on her-----she lied---ok---she did not cheat----How is covering up what type of job you have cheating---it is lying, and deception---BUT NOT CHEATING

[jnj express]

IMHO cheating involves emotion, love, physical satisfaction, etc., etc.----I do not think what a stripper does as part of a job, is any of the above------if the guy doesn't like what she does---ok he says so, and it is up to her to decide what she wants to do from that point

 

This guy pushed himself back into the picture after she was established at her job-----yes she decieved him----question is how tight could they have REALLY been when he did not bother to find out what she did for 2 years-----coming home late night after night would get my curiosity up, as to what your S O is doing

 

Once he found out then you go from there----but what she did, as to hiding what she did---does not deserve the way he is acting toward her now

 

For all of those who are sitting here trying to act like judges, and think they know what I am about----You know nothing, and are blowing smoke----try looking at my posts on other threads----I am firmly against any kind of cheating----in this case I just don't think this is cheating

[jnj express]

The best thing for them to actually do---is to sit down and SERIOUSLY talk about it----He has lost trust in her---he can leave if she doesn't come around---but I Do Not Think She Has To Go Completely Transparent for this guy---it is too much, she did not cheat----she decieved

 

I guess this whole thing boils down to one's strict definition of cheating ----

 

There should be a mutual agreement as to boundaries by the both of them, and they should know in advance what the consequences will be----that should be it----I have been involved in beating this to death---From now on I will read what the rest of you have to say---

[lkjh]

Jnj, your bias against men is showing through your post.

 

Where did she write that her bf "pushed himself back into the picture after she was established at her job". She said they were lightly dating and then made it official and she got him to move to be with her.

 

 

You want to make it seem like this guy is some cruel man who forced her to be with him and then got made about her job

 

How can you not get the fact that she lied to him about her job, nothing was established. She said it was suppose to be temporary but she liked the money.

 

You just want to twist the situation to make it fit your bias.

 

 

Try to post facts, don't simply make something up

[jnj express]

Hey lkjh---do you have trouble with the english language----LOOK AT THE VERY 1ST PARAGRAPH OF HER VERY 1ST POST----casual, and he wants to come visit and move in, I dunno but I think in the dictionary that kinda doesn't mean serious, and lets just see what happens-----WHY DON'T YOU TRY READING THE FACTS, AND STOP MAKING UP YOUR POSTS TO FIT WHAT YOU WANT ---WHETHER THEY ARE CREDIBLE OR NOT

 

As to being agst men----are you kidding me----again I think you have trouble interpreting the english language----you read every post i have written on every other topic, AND YOU TELL ME WHERE I HAVE NOT ALWAYS GONE AGST THE CHEATER

 

This guy does not rub me right---he is like a little napoleon---you know who that was---or maybe you don't-----anyway---If not provoked i will try to stay on the sidelines----but sometimes you just gotta defend yourself---specially agst those who have trouble interpreting the meanings of words

[lkjh]

Hey lkjh---do you have trouble with the english language----LOOK AT THE VERY 1ST PARAGRAPH OF HER VERY 1ST POST----casual, and he wants to come visit and move in, I dunno but I think in the dictionary that kinda doesn't mean serious, and lets just see what happens-----WHY DON'T YOU TRY READING THE FACTS, AND STOP MAKING UP YOUR POSTS TO FIT WHAT YOU WANT ---WHETHER THEY ARE CREDIBLE OR NOT

 

As to being agst men----are you kidding me----again I think you have trouble interpreting the english language----you read every post i have written on every other topic, AND YOU TELL ME WHERE I HAVE NOT ALWAYS GONE AGST THE CHEATER

 

This guy does not rub me right---he is like a little napoleon---you know who that was---or maybe you don't-----anyway---If not provoked i will try to stay on the sidelines----but sometimes you just gotta defend yourself---specially agst those who have trouble interpreting the meanings of words

 

JNJ, you get over aggressive and defensive against people that don't see things your way.

 

I can interpret what you are saying just fine. You think because the OP started the job before she was "officially" with her boyfriend than it is ok for her to continue lying to him for 2 years and he has not right to be hurt.

 

She says that she dated him casually for two years, they broke up and she moved. She became a stripper, they got back together and have lived with each other for 2 more years(nothing causal about that). She said when he first went out there to visit she wasn't sure if it would last and then in all caps she said "BUT I WANTED IT TO". After living with each other for two years he finds out she has been lying to him for the entire two years. He feels hurt and betrayed(cheated on). She admits that she never actually cheated but some of the dances were very sexual.

 

 

Now that he knows he is hurt and is acting just like anyone else would........called her names.

 

 

She came here wanting to save her relationship but you are bent on trying to demonize the guy because he is hurt. You think what she did is very minimal and I disagree.

 

Considering the fact that you even said that you wouldn't consider a married woman who goes to a mans house, gets naked, and gives him a lap dance as cheating than I think it is safe to say that your definition of cheating is different from the majorities and even you can admit that.

 

 

 

Look we all get it because her bf is a man he has no right to be hurt. He should bow down and kiss her feet and praise her for lying to him. Are you happy now?

[lkjh]

You keep trying to say that they were only casually dating but I guess you are having trouble because in her first paragraph she says they were casually dating but have now been living together for two years. Do you really consider it casually dating when you live someone?

 

Here JNJ try reading the first paragraph again:

 

I have lived with my BF for 2 years. We dated, very casually, on and off, for 2 years, before I moved away from the state we both resided. After 2 years apart and very little contact, he starts calling, out of the blue and saying that he "missed me" and wants to come here (3000 miles away) for an extended visit and move in, if all goes well.

 

So, that is what happened. Now we are a couple. Here is the problem. During the 2 years that I lived alone, in an over-the-top expensive city, I got laid-off from the job I moved here for and became a stripper.

 

Can you read JNJ, they lived together and she calls him her bf, stop changing everything to fit your purpose