Here Goes Nothing

[goodheart]

I have lived with my BF for 2 years. We dated, very casually, on and off, for 2 years, before I moved away from the state we both resided. After 2 years apart and very little contact, he starts calling, out of the blue and saying that he "missed me" and wants to come here (3000 miles away) for an extended visit and move in, if all goes well.

 

So, that is what happened. Now we are a couple. Here is the problem. During the 2 years that I lived alone, in an over-the-top expensive city, I got laid-off from the job I moved here for and became a stripper.

 

We he arrived, I had NO IDEA if this relationship would last, but I WANTED IT TO and therefore decided to keep this from him. I know, under-handed, a mistake but I absolutely knew, based on his personalty, that he would be gone in a flash if he knew and at the time I told myself that I would promptly quit.

 

Well, he found it nearly impossible to find a job (just like me) and my option to keep my stripper job became what I considered a temporary necessary means, since he was bringing in little to no income. I felt horrible about lying, honestly, but never could bring myself to tell him.

 

Cut to now. He found out. I came clean, after I'd been caught. I QUIT THE JOB right away and am now looking for work, constantly, every day. He has literally just now found a stable (we think) job himself.

 

So, the problem, as you may have guessed is the fact that I lied about my income, for 2 years AND the "sort of things" I did, with a job like that. He feels he cannot trust me to tell the truth (rightly so) AND he says he feels cheated on (rightly so)

 

For the record, I did nothing out of the ordinary, during this job, nor have I EVER lied about anything else with him. Of course I can't convince him of that.

 

So, if you are still reading and don't hate me enough to offer some real advice......I would like to know if anyone out there has any idea on how to put his mind at ease. He doesn't believe me that I've quit. He thinks at any minute I'll go back to it (not true) He checks my bags, my phone, my email and treats me like the whore that he thinks I am.

 

Since this whole thing is my fault and I've NEVER done anything like this to someone I was dating (I'm 38 years old) I have NO CLUE how to rebuild this. I've already told him that I wouldn't blame him if he left me but he is still here.....punishing me at every turn. What the hell can I do?

 

I'm not at all looking for sympathy. I know I'm in the wrong. It's just that we can't possibly afford a counsler and I have no clue what to do in a situation like this.

Edited June 21, 2010 by goodheart

[lkjh]

You know Im used to reading post by people who have cheated and try to justify it and then they refuse to tell their spouse. When I first came across yours I thought it was going to be something like that.

 

I feel sorry for you. Economic hard times can cause people to do things they normally wouldn't.

 

I cant really give you advice becauses your situation is a little different except give it time, be 100% honest, and reassure him that you are being honest

 

 

Now I would like to say that judging by your post you seem like a good person. I could be wrong because its only one post. Please hold yourself higher than being a stripper. You seem intelligent enough to do other things.

 

good luck

[goodheart]

thank you for your kind words. I have a degree but live in San Francisco.......I agree about waiting it out and feel it's the only hope.

[jnj express]

Hey goodheart slow down-----You did nothing wrong as to the job you took----he wasn't with you---you had to eat----Yes you ommitted the fact that you were a stripper, but then again didn't he ever ask what you were doing, and if he did----what did you tell him

 

He needs to grow up-----He basically came running back to you asking to take him in, so now what you have done is to subvert your life to him-----1st thing you need to do is get your stripper job back----if it paid your bills, and you were straight with it, then there are no problems

 

If he doesn't like it TOOOO BAD----He could leave you at any time, and where will you be----if that is your work, and you need it to support yourself----then he needs to live with what you do------When and if you can do something else, or he can support you then you can quit.

 

Yes you should help him alleviate his trust problem, but do not change your life for him at this point----He's not guaranteeing you anything

[Shakz]

His indignation is a power play. Didn't he eat the food you put on the table? He's a punk. You deserve better. 38 year-old woman forced into stripping and her man pretending not to know, then getting on his high horse about it after the fact. Pitiful.

[hopesndreams]

You lied to his face for 2 years, afraid to tell him the truth for fear he would leave you. That is what is truly pathetic.

 

As for this,

 

treats me like the whore that he thinks I am.

 

Pack his bags and show him the door.

[goodheart]

Hi.

 

Thanks for the replies so far. Your thoughts are needed.

 

Yes you omitted the fact that you were a stripper, but then again didn't he ever ask what you were doing, and if he did----what did you tell him

 

I lied about where I was reporting to work.

 

 

He needs to grow up-----He basically came running back to you asking to take him in, so now what you have done is to subvert your life to him

 

This is what my friends are trying to impress upon me and I know it's true.

 

His indignation is a power play. Didn't he eat the food you put on the table?

 

Also very accurate.

 

You lied to his face for 2 years, afraid to tell him the truth for fear he would leave you. That is what is truly pathetic.

 

As for this,

 

treats me like the whore that he thinks I am.

 

Pack his bags and show him the door.

 

This is the comment I relate to most because this is the problem in a nutshell. Even though I know I did something wrong and I am ashamed that I did this in order to "keep him around" I now suffer his constant mistrust and cruelty, on top of the shame. (I didn't disclose everything he has done to get back at me)

 

Being forgiven is an on-going battle. I don't want to discount his true feelings on the subject. If the shoe were on the other foot.....I'd be devastated but I'd probably leave or truly forgive the person, giving them another shot with being totally honest.

 

I just wish we could have some sort of mediator to kind of "finalize" the scenario and put it to bed. Maybe I should at least try to find some super-cheap help for the matter because I'd hate to just walk away now but I don't know how to mend something like this, other than waiting it out.

 

You guys are great for responding.

 

 

 

 

[newdawn]

goodheart, I do feel for you, really.

 

You were doing what you believed you had to do.

Keeping this fact from him was not good, but you wanted to have him in your life and knew he couldn't handle it.

 

We make misteps in life, and we make misteps for love. I know, I have made my share and then some.

 

Only time will tell on this. Keep looking for other work. Know you are a person of worth. Keep your head up. Don't let him bash your self-esteem. Walk it out with grace and dignity. If he can grow, and learn, then maybe. If he can't, he may go, but you will have you. Many lessons in life teach humility. Hopefully, he can join you in this, as we all have these lessons....Best to you goodheart, stay strong.

[linwood]

I`m not sure I understand.

 

You don`t see this guy for 2 years yet still call him your boyfriend.

 

He "needs" to get back with you after two years so you alter your entire life (Which I assume was going well?)to accommodate him.

 

He doesn`t like your job so you quit.

 

You shouldn`t have lied but it seems to me the only thing you did really wrong was let a man you weren`t even with anymore have control over your life.

 

I`d dump him and get my dancing gig back.

 

I may be missing something from the OP I dunno.

Edited June 21, 2010 by linwood

[jnj express]

You need to grow up also-----you are staying in an abusive situation, and allowing this guy to control you----based on the type of work you had----------OK so you purposely ommitted telling him your exact type of work-----in reality probably 95% of the people on this planet tell little whit lies-------he doesn't have a right to throw the trust card in your face to the extent he is----sure he might have a problem with trust for a while----but in this case the trust issue should have gone away-----

 

You are allowing this guy to abuse you, and control you------what is so wonderful about him??? that you are allowing this to happen-----he doesn't have any job---he comes running to live with you---he is living off of you----he doesn't exactly sound like he is any hot thing you would wanna hitch your wagon to

 

Its time you stopped allowing him to control you---stand up to him---get in his face---tell him to back off---and if he doesn't like it---help him pack his belongings, and show him the door------YOU DIDN'T NEED HIM BEFORE----YOU SURELY DON'T NEED HIM NOW

[Chrome Barracuda]

The fact remains it's not the fact that, your a stripper, is that you lied to him about it.

 

You need to just tell him striaght up. i was and now it's a wrap. You love him and willing to work through it, but demand no more abuse and mutual respect.

 

It wasnt like you was banging your customers right?

[lkjh]

goodheart,

please be careful with the advice here. There are people who are out to "get the man" for no reason. Some of these people blame men for everything. A woman can come on here and say she cheated on her husband with his dad for no reason and these people will find away to blame the man

 

 

You know you were just caught in a bad spot, made a bad decision and did what is natural, you lied about it. Handle this like a mature person. If you need to go to grad school and worry about you. He will probably come around but if not take it as a life lesson.

 

Also, be careful about who you take advice from. In your first post you seemed to have a good grip on things. Don't let people sway you one way or another

[Lecturer]

My concern is mostly health related. Having a job that is distasteful to another isn't a concern for me, but if your job included sex (even protected sex) as some jobs like that do, then you were cheating on him in a rather advanced way, with all the health ramifications included.

 

Remember, he has a right to be upset, but then you need to both decide if staying together is reasonable. If you do want to stay together, he has to forgive you and fully accept you. For you to take anything less and stay with him reflects poorly on you - you become the failing component.

[2sure]

Whether it was your first job choice or not...you chose to support yourself stripping. Its not for everyone. Not everyone can do it physically, nor emotionally. But you know what? Some people feel all kinds of jobs are beneath them and refuse to do them no matter how much they need the money to live. Some of them are cowards. You , on the other hand are able to do what you need to do AND it sounds like you were emotionally able to come to terms with it. That makes you not only NOT a coward, but brave as well. You can wish you hadnt taken that job - but its done. Now you have to take away the good from the experience. You are a person who does what you need to do. You supported someone else financially in a city (like NYC maybe), which is an accomplishment. You sacrificed for someone else when he needed help.

 

You lied. You f'd up. Who has not???? The first thing you need to do to move forward is accept that the job itself - you were ok with it, you did it. it was a J. O. B. All of us have a past made up of accomplishments, mistakes, & experiences. They are the details of our lives. Without each one specifically - we would not be who we are. Thats you.

 

He will think of you as a "whore" as long as you think he is entitled to. Remember that. He is NOT entitled to. You lied, maybe until you show him differently he can be concerned you are a liar. But thats as far as your "punishment" goes. Your lie kept him housed and fed, so tell him that you havent lied about anything else because nothing else has the same circumstances.

 

And if he remains unemployed or unable to support you while you look for other work - let him so much as mention he wont bus table because it is beneath him.

 

You can be sorry, you can be contrite. You lied. You didnt do anything else wrong. And if you think you did - he will. And if he thinks punishing you is a long term part of his forgiveness process....tell him to go back to the burbs.

[goodheart]

You guys are so awesome for commenting.

 

First of all, NO SEX was involved but there were some "lap dances" which are somewhat intimate, along with the whole flirting and "I'm available" routine. So, I can see where he feels "cheated on" considering he had no clue.

 

Thanks newdawn for your uplifting words.

 

I`m not sure I understand.

You don`t see this guy for 2 years yet still call him your boyfriend.

 

He "needs" to get back with you after two years so you alter your entire life (Which I assume was going well?)to accommodate him.

 

He doesn`t like your job so you quit.

 

Yes, you nailed it. We dated very casually for 2 yrs, in our home town, I spent 2 yrs here, then he came over and we have lived together for 2 yrs. So, no I did not consider him my BF, until about 1 yr of living together (we became very close)

 

He did contribute what he could, with temp work but yes, I carried the load. He now has a job, thank god.

 

You lied, maybe until you show him differently he can be concerned you are a liar. But that's as far as your "punishment" goes. Your lie kept him housed and fed, so tell him that you haven't lied about anything else because nothing else has the same circumstances.

 

This is exactly what I tell him. I just never thought he would label me a liar based on this isolated circumstance. He says it's because I kept lie going for 2 whole yrs, which even I have to admit is awful.

 

I know I made my bed but I just wonder, for those of you who have cheated, do you feel that all the email, purse and phone checking is normal? Is this part of the price you pay?

[jnj express]

Not in this instance---you lied---but about a job-----If this is what he is like now---think what he would be like if you became engaged

 

This guy is conrolling and abusive----You can think what ever you like, but his actions are telling what he is all about----

 

He is not the kind of person you wanna spend the rest of your life with

[lkjh]

Not in this instance---you lied---but about a job-----If this is what he is like now---think what he would be like if you became engaged

 

This guy is conrolling and abusive----You can think what ever you like, but his actions are telling what he is all about----

 

He is not the kind of person you wanna spend the rest of your life with

 

wow talk about over the top. Try not to view this strictly from a females POV, especially one who is clearly as one sided as yourself

 

 

OP, look at it from your BF's view. The woman that he obviously cares a lot about who he may even love not only lied to him for 2 years about what she did for a living but was selling herself to make money. I know you weren't having sex and I can understand why you went into your work. But lets be honest stripping is a easy way to make a lot of money but there are always other options.

 

Its hard on your bf. In a way I can see why he thinks you cheated, because after all any way you cut it your job was to please men sexually. Maybe not get them off but your job is sexual.

 

 

Please don't let some people here convince you that your bf is controlling because he is hurt by this. Look at it through his eyes. Before this has he been controlling or cruel to you? All of the man haters here never want to consider a guys feelings, they only care about the woman. If you want to be in a relationship you have to be honest and mutually respectful. You knew that lying to him was wrong and that is why you tried to hide it

 

 

Good luck, this is going to take time. Do not expect a quick fix

[lkjh]

Just so you know in my last post I wasn't trying to be mean, Im just trying to tell you like it is.

 

 

A lot of the people on this forum, the ones that blame men for everything are the same people that want bf/husbands to get dumped for going to strip clubs

[JustJoe]

GH I advise you to have a "come to Jesus", conversation with him and get this thing settled once and for all. You lied and kept it going for 2 years. Bad......very bad....that it was your job is true, but you should have told him. Now he needs to decide if he can accept that you are a liar, with extenuating circumstances, and that you also "performed ", lap dances, but that your motives were good. But more importantly, you BOTH, need to decide where this relationship is going, and how much each of you is willing to invest in it. You are NOT a whore!!!

[jnj express]

To the last couple of posters----I suggest before you start labelling me---YOU GO BACK AND READ THE FACT SITUATION

 

When did you become judge, jury, and executioner

 

She was on her own, needed to make a living, and chose dancing in a strip club----IT IS A JOB, it is the way she chose to make a living----HOW THE HELL IS THAT ANY DIFFERENT AS TO HOW YOU MAKE A LIVING

 

The boyfriend, was not in her life during this time, he wasn't even her BF----why are you getting so bent out of shape about what she did for a living----she was single and not bothering anyone---Who the hell are YOU to judge her.

 

As to when Bf, became BF---YES she should have told, but since she didn't, and he obviously didn't press her for the info., for otherwise how do you go 2 yrs in a relationship, w/out actually knowing what your SO is doing for a living

 

She lied---he doesn't trust her, BUT, we are not talking about cheating, or infidelity----people lie about everything----or are the 2 of you so lily-white and pure, as to claim you have never lied-----

 

The point is the BF is overly obsessive, if he is continually checking up on everything she does, and says---as in going into her purse, checking her phone--etc., etc.,

 

He is overly controlling, and abusing her, if you think not, then explain it to me-----we are now not talking about her lying about her JOB, but the aftermath, of him giving her no breathing space. What is she spose to do----point being SHE DID NOT CHEAT----she kept the type of work she did from him, her reasoning may have not been the best----but she did NOTHING WRONG

[turnera]

goodheart, you owned up to what you did, you apologized, and you changed jobs. That is the EXTENT that you should have to grovel to this guy.

 

Now, at THIS point, is when you say to him "I will not accept living with a person who treats me beneath him. I have owned my mistakes and that is the end of it. If you cannot accept that, you need to leave."

 

He won't respect you until you respect yourself. You came here already believing you were beneath him, based on how you write about yourself. Why is that?

 

Get some therapy to find out. Learn to like yourself.

[lkjh]

To the last couple of posters----I suggest before you start labelling me---YOU GO BACK AND READ THE FACT SITUATION

 

When did you become judge, jury, and executioner

 

She was on her own, needed to make a living, and chose dancing in a strip club----IT IS A JOB, it is the way she chose to make a living----HOW THE HELL IS THAT ANY DIFFERENT AS TO HOW YOU MAKE A LIVING

The boyfriend, was not in her life during this time, he wasn't even her BF----why are you getting so bent out of shape about what she did for a living----she was single and not bothering anyone---Who the hell are YOU to judge her.

 

As to when Bf, became BF---YES she should have told, but since she didn't, and he obviously didn't press her for the info., for otherwise how do you go 2 yrs in a relationship, w/out actually knowing what your SO is doing for a living

 

She lied---he doesn't trust her, BUT, we are not talking about cheating, or infidelity----people lie about everything----or are the 2 of you so lily-white and pure, as to claim you have never lied-----

 

The point is the BF is overly obsessive, if he is continually checking up on everything she does, and says---as in going into her purse, checking her phone--etc., etc.,

 

He is overly controlling, and abusing her, if you think not, then explain it to me-----we are now not talking about her lying about her JOB, but the aftermath, of him giving her no breathing space. What is she spose to do----point being SHE DID NOT CHEAT----she kept the type of work she did from him, her reasoning may have not been the best----but she did NOTHING WRONG

 

 

I did read it and if you go back and read my first post to her I said I think she is a good person put into a hard spot. But you refuse to look at it through her bf's eyes. He was lied to for 2 years, he feels betrayed, and he is a person so he has those rights.

 

Im sorry but her job is different from others. She is paid to be a sex object. Im not bashing her because I go to those clubs with friends but I can certainly see why her bf is hurt

 

 

A lot of people are on their own and are force to do things they don't want to do in order to survive. The OP has a degree and seems like her heart is in the right place. But being on your own does not mean its ok to lie and deceive your bf/gf for two years.

 

Her bf feels betrayed and stupid right now and he has that right. Stop being so one sided

[lkjh]

OP I agree that you just need to be brutally honest and see where it goes

 

Also, you seem very intelligent, you have a degree, you are obviously attractive judging by your job and the fact that your bf moved to be with you, and you are young so don't be down on yourself. You have a lot going for you

[lkjh]

by the by jnj express don't you think that a super controlling abusive bf would have caught on a lot quicker? Guess the guy isn't as bad as you want him to be

[jnj express]

Hey ljkh------Fine, You are right---she lied, and she should have fessed up----we both know why she lied---but yes she lied, and kept her JOB, a dark secret---and yes, he probably would have been gone, had she told him the truth. OK----so where does it go from here----I am now saying that if the OP is telling us the way it is, that her BF, is still checking on her---by going in her purse, checking her phone---etc. Don't you think that is a bit much for this situation----at what point does he back off, or is he gonna play prison guard for the duration of their relationship.

 

Once she told him, and fessed up, and quit her job---in this situation---that should have been enuff-----she did not cheat----she does not deserve to be treated like a criminal, and constantly be checked on, and put under the microscope.

 

Tell you what, let's put you in this exact same situation----how much of this constant distrust by your partner are you gonna allow, and for how long ----once again remember you did not cheat --you withheld info about what kind of job you were working at.