caribou Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 Married 9 years. Found out in late May she was having an affair. She is still with this other guy. I feel awful all the time. Particularly when I am alone. How long will it take to get over this?
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 ...time, my friend. It does take time. The pain doesnt go away overnight. The best thing to do is focus on your realign your mindset. If anything, have you filed for divorce, started dating again, I mean life is too short to waste time crying over some cheating ho? seriously it is what it is. Your wife is dead! and on that note you shoud definitely keep telling yourself that. She abandoned you! left You. it's all about you now! start your life over!
carhill Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 OP, time and positive moves should be very helpful. I would seriously consider IC if I felt I was 'stuck' in a loop or felt lost. My sympathies.
seren Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 Married 9 years. Found out in late May she was having an affair. She is still with this other guy. I feel awful all the time. Particularly when I am alone. How long will it take to get over this? I am sorry you are hurting and feeling awful all the time. I don't know that anyone really ever gets over an A as they are so hurtful. Late May is not long at all and I imagine you are still in shock. From my experience, I can say that the first few months I didn't function at all, ended up taking 3 months off work as I was in such a state, spent weeks just staring into space, not eating, drinking, smoking numerous cigarettes and just feeling like a nothing. This was even after me and H had decided to stay together. A lot of us BS blame ourselves, initially, look for what we could have done to prevent the WS seeing someone else. Truth of it is, the answer is absolutely nothing, I know many OW/OM hate to think this as it means that they could have been anyone. But, that's my experience of it. So, first off, I would say to try and stop blaming yourself and put the blame firmly where it belongs, with your WW. I also think that mourning for the loss of what you thought your (general your) M was takes time, to re evaluate your time together is hard. I wonder if your WW came back would you try to rebuild your M, or whether it is absolutely over. if it is, then the future is a scary place when you didn't choose how it is panning out, I also wonder if you have children and worry about that. I hope you have friends who can support you through this and aren't afraid to ask for help when you need it. I also hope you can feel safe to post on LS to get support, as it seems to me that this is what you need right now. Take very good care of yourself.
U2RockZz Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 it won't go away until you stop wasting your time on her....get selfish....love yourself
JRoy Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 Grieving is always difficult. Time will help. Seek out friends you trust and and can share your feelings with. Get professional individual counseling. Try to focus on the next right thing to do. There are no short cuts. It hurts. You hurt. Life will improve, one day at a time.
Joe Normal Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 Quickest way to get over it is file for divorce, clean out the joint accounts, cut up the credit cards, post a profile of her cheating ways up on one of those cheating spouse websites, then go out and bang some hot sluts, and get drunk with your friends while bitching about what a cow she was. Bonus points if you can nail one of her sisters or friends.
spriggig Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 Quickest way to get over it is file for divorce, clean out the joint accounts, cut up the credit cards, post a profile of her cheating ways up on one of those cheating spouse websites, then go out and bang some hot sluts, and get drunk with your friends while bitching about what a cow she was. Bonus points if you can nail one of her sisters or friends. True dat. But, in three years, when you find yourself married again you'll make all the same mistakes because you skipped the part about learning and introspection. So, if you follow this path resign yourself to short relationships and ONSs, not necessarily a bad way to handle it, just not for everyone.
spriggig Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 (edited) I'm seven months from D-Day. Six months from finding out she cheated and about three weeks from filing (as soon as I have the money to pay the land-shark). She's been out of my house since the end of March and we have been doing LC--contact regarding our son only. I feel much better but still slip into a few days of depression sometimes. Getting angry does help fight off the depression, but staying angry can lead to bitterness and you should try to avoid that. Exercise, work on yourself and stay away from dating, you're not ready yet. Getting laid might help your confidence, if that's your thing. Common Wisdom says you'll need about two years to feel like you've really gotten over her, but you do have to work on it. A lot of guys in the middle of it will say "Fck that!" but I think it's accurate. For what it's worth, my wife's affair ended last month, about 10 months after it started. She was just using it as a means to end our marriage--she didn't really love him. Edited July 4, 2010 by spriggig
justhereandthere Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 Only Time well heal. I know the feeling of it hurts and it sucks! File for Divorce. Heal yourself first then date. Because with unresolved feelings and hurt from this. When you try to date other people your not going to have fun dating. Take care of yourself first get over the hurt and then when you know then slowly get back into it. It may take months, but at least you'll be happy with yourself again. Sorry your going thur this. Take Care.
Daniel89 Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 I can only offer the same advice as everyone else, Time is a healer. You need to cut her out your life also, it's the best advice I can give you - trust me it works!
seibert253 Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 Married 9 years. Found out in late May she was having an affair. She is still with this other guy. I feel awful all the time. Particularly when I am alone. How long will it take to get over this? When you find someone else that loves you as much as you love them. But, above all else, time.
Samantha0905 Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 Married 9 years. Found out in late May she was having an affair. She is still with this other guy. I feel awful all the time. Particularly when I am alone. How long will it take to get over this? I'm sure it varies. I'd say the more you hang on to anger, the longer it will take so I would ignore the "cheating ho" type remarks. Eventually I'm sure you will see some merit in having had her in your life. That being said, do acknowledge she cheated on you and it wasn't a good way to handle your marriage. She's still with the other guy, so it sounds like she has made her decision. Have you filed for divorce? I think moving forward is your option here to focusing on yourself. I'd treat myself well if I were you -- exercise, etc. Also, it always helps me to surround myself with friends. I wouldn't throw myself into meaningless trysts (because that's just not my thing.) Plus, there would be another person on the other side of that tryst and it's never a nice thing to use another person with ill intent. I'm sorry for what you're going through.
reservoirdog1 Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 Married 9 years. Found out in late May she was having an affair. She is still with this other guy. I feel awful all the time. Particularly when I am alone. How long will it take to get over this? There aren't any hard-and-fast rules, but expect 2-3 years. Mine was right in the middle -- 2.5 years. And it was weird, because I stopped being angry at her quite suddenly. There's not really anything you can do, except let it happen. Time is the only thing that makes it stop hurting. And expect to have ups and downs -- your recovery will trend upwards, but it won't be on a straight line. If you don't have kids, then you have little to no reason to have anything to do with her. Let your lawyer handle the divorce. Cut her out of her life completely, and move on. Make new friends, get in better shape, update your wardrobe, try out some new activities or interests that you've always wanted to do but never got around to. That way, once you've recovered, you'll be in a much better position to re-launch yourself into the world of single women.
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