Dropped the Ball

June 20, 2010

I had the opportunity to reunite with my xgf after two years of seperation. She was the one who originally terminated the relationship, and that, combined with the time commitment of law school on the horizon, made me reluctant to re-enter the situation.

After a month of waiting, and my warming up to the idea, she has decided to move on. She hasn't said that we wont get back together, but she has started an online dating account and said that she is going to date other people to make sure that reuniting with me would be the right situation.

In the meantime, she said the best way for me to boost my chances of getting back together is to keep being her friend and keep hanging out, which means that my feelings will only continue to grow stronger. She says that I'm at the top of her "prospect list", but I'm sure the internet will take care of that.

This feeling is awful. Can't sleep, can't eat, utterly numb, just waiting for the night to come so I can feel justified staying in bed for hours staring at the television. I'm underemployed, living in Michigan, and about to turn 31. This is no way for an adult to live

June 21, 2010

Why make someone a priority in your life, if they only make you an option?

June 21, 2010

This feeling is awful. Can't sleep, can't eat, utterly numb, just waiting for the night to come so I can feel justified staying in bed for hours staring at the television. I'm underemployed, living in Michigan, and about to turn 31. This is no way for an adult to live

She's just a woman. She puts her pants on one leg at a time like every other woman. You sound like you don't even know what you're living for right now. Figure out what you love doing and engross yourself in it.

Write her a letter and be very straightforward with her. Tell her that you would like a second chance and you believe it would work after the years apart. Explain to her that you're in your early 30's and you don't have the time to wait while she makes up her mind. Ask her in a very black and white way, "Do you want to try a relationship with me NOW or not?"

If she says no, you'll know that you tried and did your best and you'll know she probably was just toying with you to begin with because she was lonely. But you'll win.

If she says yes, then you get your second chance -- you win.

There is a silver lining to everything in life, sometimes you just have to look a little harder to find it.

Ps: You need to show HER strength and set the decisions. You need to lead her. Don't let her lead you with her desire to explore online dating websites.

June 21, 2010

Why make someone a priority in your life, if they only make you an option?

Thanks for the reply.

Because the gains from the relationship would be so great that investing time and energy now, despite the potential for it to all blow up in my face with twice the pain, is very appealing.

From her perspective, for a period of about five weeks she was totally ready to commit to me, but I didn't reciprocate, and thus she was "forced" to make me an option.

The question in my mind is how long "should" one be given to make up their minds on a potentially life-altering decision like reuniting with an ex whom I was close to marrying.

June 21, 2010

She's just a woman. She puts her pants on one leg at a time like every other woman. You sound like you don't even know what you're living for right now. Figure out what you love doing and engross yourself in it.

Engrossing myself in healthy activities, music and exercise, will be the remedy for if/when things get uglier. In terms of what I'm living for? Happiness. Aren't we all?

Write her a letter and be very straightforward with her. Tell her that you would like a second chance and you believe it would work after the years apart. Explain to her that you're in your early 30's and you don't have the time to wait while she makes up her mind. Ask her in a very black and white way, "Do you want to try a relationship with me NOW or not?"

If she says no, you'll know that you tried and did your best and you'll know she probably was just toying with you to begin with because she was lonely. But you'll win.

If she says yes, then you get your second chance -- you win.

Her answer to that question was basically that she wasn't sure, because now that she has the dating account, she sees that she has options, and is interested in exploring them before commiting to me.

There is a silver lining to everything in life, sometimes you just have to look a little harder to find it.

Ps: You need to show HER strength and set the decisions. You need to lead her. Don't let her lead you with her desire to explore online dating websites.

I'm afraid I dont have that kind of leverage in this situation. She offered me the chance to get back together, and has now shelved it after my hesitance. With her "options", I dont think I can very well force her hand.

As always, thanks for the replies.

June 21, 2010

Engrossing myself in healthy activities, music and exercise, will be the remedy for if/when things get uglier. In terms of what I'm living for? Happiness. Aren't we all?

Write her a letter and be very straightforward with her. Tell her that you would like a second chance and you believe it would work after the years apart. Explain to her that you're in your early 30's and you don't have the time to wait while she makes up her mind. Ask her in a very black and white way, "Do you want to try a relationship with me NOW or not?"

If she says no, you'll know that you tried and did your best and you'll know she probably was just toying with you to begin with because she was lonely. But you'll win.

If she says yes, then you get your second chance -- you win.

Her answer to that question was basically that she wasn't sure, because now that she has the dating account, she sees that she has options, and is interested in exploring them before commiting to me. She acknowledges that personality in the most important component of a relationship to her, and that our personalities fit very, very well. She has simply put me on hold.

There is a silver lining to everything in life, sometimes you just have to look a little harder to find it.

Ps: You need to show HER strength and set the decisions. You need to lead her. Don't let her lead you with her desire to explore online dating websites.

I'm afraid I dont have that kind of leverage in this situation. She offered me the chance to get back together, and has now shelved it after my hesitance. With her "options", I dont think I can very well force her hand.

But yes, there very well could be a silver lining to the situation. As of right now I expect things to get worse for me before they get better, as we are still supposed to hang out, which will intensify my feelings. Hindsight is always 20/20, though.

As always, thanks for the reply!

June 21, 2010

I can understand how you feel in this situation.

I think the ball is in her court on this one, but really you should take this time to look at your life and see where you can improve. If you two were meant to be then TRUST ME this wouldn't stop it from happening. The fact that she's considering her options shows that even she isn't ready to commit - so what if you two had reconciled 5 weeks earlier, how do you know she wouldn't be checking out her options while together with you? This would hurt you much worse.

Focus on yourself, and if it's meant to happen it will, otherwise who knows who you will meet in the future

June 21, 2010

If I wanted to get back with a guy and put myself out there to make that very clear and he still had to think about it for five weeks, I wouldn't be sure he really wanted to be with me after all. She must have gotten somewhat hurt that you were that indecisive and decided to be safe by finding other options in case it doesn't work out with you.

June 21, 2010

But yes, there very well could be a silver lining to the situation. As of right now I expect things to get worse for me before they get better, as we are still supposed to hang out, which will intensify my feelings. Hindsight is always 20/20, though.

As always, thanks for the reply!

Right, you're letting her lead you and making excuses for her actions. You've giving her all the power. You're weak right now. Good luck, dude. You're obviously going to do what you're going to do.

June 21, 2010

She's seeing if there's anyone else better n you are her back up plan.that can't make you feel great can it?she's stringing you along.

June 21, 2010

I can understand how you feel in this situation.

I think the ball is in her court on this one, but really you should take this time to look at your life and see where you can improve. If you two were meant to be then TRUST ME this wouldn't stop it from happening. The fact that she's considering her options shows that even she isn't ready to commit - so what if you two had reconciled 5 weeks earlier, how do you know she wouldn't be checking out her options while together with you? This would hurt you much worse.

Focus on yourself, and if it's meant to happen it will, otherwise who knows who you will meet in the future

I assume that she wouldnt have been checking options because her romantic "needs" would have been getting fulfilled. The ball is in her court more than it is mine, but given that she advised me to "stay the course" and keep hanging out, demonstrating my affection and desire, etc, I guess we both have roles to play?

But yes, I should focus inward, as is often the case in these situations. Who knows, maybe I'll run into some cute girls in lawschool who can tolerate my foibles. Thanks for your reply.

June 21, 2010

If I wanted to get back with a guy and put myself out there to make that very clear and he still had to think about it for five weeks, I wouldn't be sure he really wanted to be with me after all. She must have gotten somewhat hurt that you were that indecisive and decided to be safe by finding other options in case it doesn't work out with you.

That's understandable. But when he comes to you on week SIX and says "ok, lets go", does it make much sense to say "sorry, if you had spoken up last week, that'd be one thing. I know I considered marrying you, but now I'm ready to move on"?

June 21, 2010

Right, you're letting her lead you and making excuses for her actions. You've giving her all the power. You're weak right now. Good luck, dude. You're obviously going to do what you're going to do.

I acknowledge that there is some truth to that, but where do you draw the line between "excuses" and "reasons"? How could I possibly gain any power for myself in this situation? First she was ready and I wasn't... now I'm ready and she isn't. If I were to say "well you need to make up your mind or forget it!" she would say "ok.. forget it!"

Clearly I'm going to do what I'm going to do (how Zen), however the problem is that I dont know what I'm going to do, but that's life right? Thanks for the reply.

June 21, 2010

She's seeing if there's anyone else better n you are her back up plan.that can't make you feel great can it?she's stringing you along.

She didnt view it as seeing if there's anyone else better than me, she viewed it as seeing if there is anyone out there who would like to date her/who she'd like to date, because she assumed that I didnt want to be with her, because I didnt speak up because I wasnt certain. Regardless of how I label it though, no, it doesnt make me feel great.

She said that she got a one month membership to the dating site, and that she might not even use all of that time (of course she could order even more time for all I know). So hopefully, there is a time limit to my twisting in the wind. It would figure this all arrives just in time for summer

June 22, 2010

She's just a woman. She puts her pants on one leg at a time like every other woman. You sound like you don't even know what you're living for right now. Figure out what you love doing and engross yourself in it.

Write her a letter and be very straightforward with her. Tell her that you would like a second chance and you believe it would work after the years apart. Explain to her that you're in your early 30's and you don't have the time to wait while she makes up her mind. Ask her in a very black and white way, "Do you want to try a relationship with me NOW or not?"

If she says no, you'll know that you tried and did your best and you'll know she probably was just toying with you to begin with because she was lonely. But you'll win.

I forgot to ask this sooner, but how do I 'win' if she says no?

June 22, 2010

This feeling is awful. Can't sleep, can't eat, utterly numb, just waiting for the night to come so I can feel justified staying in bed for hours staring at the television. I'm underemployed, living in Michigan, and about to turn 31. This is no way for an adult to live

The issue is not about the girl. This ship has passed, she is stringing you along, your reluctance is well placed for she has no real commitment in you or making it work. Right now you feel like ****, and when we do we often start looking for additional reasons to justify feeling it.

Again THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE GIRL. This is about you not being happy in your own life. You see her as a combination as an easy answer to get you out of the place and a mental distraction from thinking about where your are. It sucks and you are looking for something to take your mind of it, hence get cough up in drama of some non committed EX.

Time to start taking control of your own life. First by ending this drama with the EX. Go NC and then be proud of yourself. By doing so you are telling yourself you deserve more then her brain f#ck.

Second time to start making small changes that will make your life better. Yes this is the hard crap you been avoiding. But life is now telling you it is time to start. Find a better job. Until you do, start doing things that makes your off work time more rewarding, find a new hobbies, start exercising, return to an old hobbies that you love, teach yourself something, start volunteering.

THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE GIRL. It about you finding a way to make your life the life you want.

Edited June 22, 2010 by GrayClouds

June 22, 2010

The issue is not about the girl. This ship has passed, she is stringing you along, your reluctance is well placed for she has no real commitment in you or making it work. Right now you feel like ****, and when we do we often start looking for additional reasons to justify feeling it.

Again THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE GIRL. This is about you not being happy in your own life. You see her as a combination as an easy answer to get you out of the place and a mental distraction from thinking about where your are. It sucks and you are looking for something to take your mind of it, hence get cough up in drama of some non committed EX.

Perhaps, but I think this starts bordering on circular logic. I wasn't at all depressed about my situation 3 months ago before all this drama started back up. Even with her taken out of the picture, I am in a fairly ****ty situation. I view her as a potential source of happiness, support, and inspiration. Wouldn't that be a good thing given my situation?

Time to start taking control of your own life. First by ending this drama with the EX. Go NC and then be proud of yourself. By doing so you are telling yourself you deserve more then her brain f#ck.

If/when she weighs her options and reaches the conclusion that she wants to date someone else, then I will certainly initiate NC. I suppose that everyone deserves more than a brain ****, but I still feel very guilty, guilty that I got myself into this situation. I shouldn't have been so hesitant, I should have just taken the plunge

Second time to start making small changes that will make your life better. Yes this is the hard crap you been avoiding. But life is now telling you it is time to start. Find a better job. Until you do, start doing things that makes your off work time more rewarding, find a new hobbies, start exercising, return to an old hobbies that you love, teach yourself something, start volunteering.

You're right that finding a job is a big part of all of this. If I had a fulltime job, I would be more confident and have the $$$ to go out socializing. Unfortunately in this economy, in Michigan, that is easier said than done. One ace I have up my sleeve is guitar; I had been practicing a lot so I could play some open mics and maybe meet a woman that way, but I put that on the back burner when she came along. When this drama is over with, eventually I'll go back to doing that I imagine.

THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE GIRL. It about you finding a way to make your life the life you want.

The life I want is the one with her by my side

June 22, 2010

I view her as a potential source of happiness, support, and inspiration. Wouldn't that be a good thing given my situation?

But she not. What you are not looking at is that YOU need to be your source of happiness, support and inspiration. When you learn that you will get the "the life you want" regardless if she is in it or not.

If/when she weighs her options and reaches the conclusion that she wants to date someone else, then I will certainly initiate NC.

Why make someone a priority when they only see you as an option. This is an expample where your being too passive in your own life.

I suppose that everyone deserves more than a brain ****, but I still feel very guilty, guilty that I got myself into this situation. I shouldn't have been so hesitant, I should have just taken the plunge

Your hesitation was your instincts you protecting yourself. She was never committed to making the relationship work. Even if you got together at first contact, it would not have lasted. She is still shopping, strying on different outfits. You may think she was going to buy into you but in reality she was just trying you on. Even if she left the store with you, she was hanging on to the receipt so she could take you back when she saw something prettier. Understand if she was really that into you, your hesitation would have not motivated her to move on but to work harder to convince you she was the one. She just using it to make herself look better because you so will to blame yourself for her choices.

You're right that finding a job is a big part of all of this. If I had a fulltime job, I would be more confident and have the $$$ to go out socializing. Unfortunately in this economy, in Michigan, that is easier said than done.

No one said it was easy. But what are you honestly doing to find it? Do you spend 1,2,3,4 ... hours a day on a job search? How many resumes have you sent out this week?

One ace I have up my sleeve is guitar; I had been practicing a lot so I could play some open mics and maybe meet a woman that way, but I put that on the back burner when she came along. When this drama is over with, eventually I'll go back to doing that I imagine.

So why did you stop? What other things can you start doing to help you feel good about you and stop feeling bad about her. She is not that into you and your wasting a great deal of energy on someone who really does not show concern about you.

All of this is about you finding your life. She is just a distraction.

The life I want is the one with her by my side

You go the order wrong, you and your life comes first. So make a life for yourself that you love so much she would be crazy not to be by your side.

June 22, 2010

I view her as a potential source of happiness, support, and inspiration. Wouldn't that be a good thing given my situation?

You need a partner... Not a supplier... The difference is Grand Canyon in scale.

June 22, 2010

Please please please listen to GrayClouds. I'm in a messed up situation myself, except now I know he's not coming back, and I wish I had gone NC after the FIRST time we broke up and gotten on with my life.

If think you should send her a message telling her good luck with her search, but you won't be available unless she decides right then and there that she wants to have another go with you. Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?

When my ex told me last night, "I miss having a girlfriend, but I'm not certain you're the one I want," that pretty much killed it for me. I don't love or miss him any less, but my dignity wouldn't allow me to even respond to that. He's going to get his wish.

I know you think her being in your life by your side will make you happy, but I really feel like you're settling for being second-best. So what if it took you a little while to make up your mind? If she really loved you, she would have taken you back even after this deadline.

I'm sorry about the job situation in Michigan. Have you tried giving guitar lessons? I may have missed it if you are.

June 22, 2010

Not to sound insensitive, but I'm afraid BiAxident is not going to get it until he 'gets it'. We've all been there, we were all told why and how to avoid that pain but we could not cure the 'what if' and 'if I had only' diseases. They will keep her in the driver's seat until he sees what is really going on...

June 22, 2010

hey biax..

I think there is a lot of truth in the fact that you need to fix you first.. you need to get some kind of work (and not to meet women).. job first, income up, confidence/self esteem follow, then put yourself out there for a woman..

please don't let this girl run your life for you, as you said, you were doing ok 3 months ok before it all kicked off... get back to that but make it better.. for you and you alone, cos my god, what if she waltzed up tonight, uttered those words ya wanna hear and yet when ya wake up tomorrow the other issues in your life are gonna be there, I can understand if work is hard to come by, but these are the moments that test great men.. are you gonna sit there and let a job and your 'soulmate' come to you? or are you gonna get up, get out, find that job and then find that 'soulmate'..

in saying that I think theres issues here that are far more important than a girl that are needed to be worked on first.. she hasn't give you a second chance, she has given you a second chance to hang around at her disposal... nc and get you sorted, who knows where you'll end up and you'll know this is one of lifes lessons...

oh and you wonder now why you were hesitant.. because, maybe.. perhaps, it just didn't feel right?? (which is ok to feel btw, just cos a 2nd chance comes about doesn't mean ya gotta take it like its the last lobster in the tank!)..

I wish you luck with your income search and your inner happiness search, sort them out at least and my god but the world will be your oyster..

June 22, 2010

Not to sound insensitive, but I'm afraid BiAxident is not going to get it until he 'gets it'. We've all been there, we were all told why and how to avoid that pain but we could not cure the 'what if' and 'if I had only' diseases. They will keep her in the driver's seat until he sees what is really going on...

agree, x 2.. then maybe Biax wil read back everything here and the lightbulb will come on, eventually, down the road, when he not sure it will but everything has failed.........

June 22, 2010

Not to sound insensitive, but I'm afraid BiAxident is not going to get it until he 'gets it'. We've all been there, we were all told why and how to avoid that pain but we could not cure the 'what if' and 'if I had only' diseases. They will keep her in the driver's seat until he sees what is really going on...

Yep, where is McGrupp when you need him?

P.S. BiAX it is not about the girl. And read these:

The No Contact Guide

So you want a second chance?

.

Edited June 22, 2010 by GrayClouds

Sign In

Dropped the Ball

Recommended Posts

BiAxident

Div

DenverBachelor

BiAxident

BiAxident

BiAxident

Div

StarrySkyBlue

DenverBachelor

Heatemyheart89

BiAxident

BiAxident

BiAxident

BiAxident

BiAxident

GrayClouds

BiAxident

GrayClouds

sean1970

Treasa

sean1970

kickintheaz

kickintheaz

GrayClouds

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...