Amygirl16 Posted February 1, 2004 Posted February 1, 2004 I have a problem The other day my boyfriend was sad, but he didn't tell me about it. Instead I found him talking about it with this girl that he's friends with. I know that this girl is attracted to him and he knows it to (because she told him a long time ago) but i also know that he doesn't feel the same way for her. So i wasn't jelouse of cheeting or anything. But i was upset that he went to her when he was sad instead of talking to me. When I told him this, he said that in the past i've gotten mad at him after he tells me his feelings and he was scared that i'd get angry at him. When i told him that i wouldn't, he said that in the middle of our relationship, i acted like that and it has perminently hurt him. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix it, but i want to be someone he can talk to. I want to be a good girlfriend like i used to be in the begining. Help!!!
Reckless Posted February 1, 2004 Posted February 1, 2004 You already sound pretty good to me. You didn't throw a tantrum or get jealous when he talked to this other girl and you expressed a desire to help him and make him feel better - that's pretty good 'girlfriend' material I'd say... Still hurt feelings don't just disappear, so if he felt hurt or rejected in the past when he turned to you it's only natural that he'll hesitate in confining in you later. All you can do is be as supportive and caring as you can in the future. Practice with people around you, not just your guy, learn to hear people out, ask leading questions (a leading question is one that required more than just a 'yes' or 'no' answer, for example 'why do you feel sad?' 'what brought it on?' 'how can I help?'..). Learn to not blow up in peoples faces even if it means taking a little time out before answering them. Keep calm when people tell you how they feel, even if you don't like it, it's how they honestly feel and getting mad won't change that.... Can I just add though that if you made a 'mistake' in the middle of your relationship and he neither let you know or forgave you he might have a few things to work on himself. I don't know what you did but if it has permanently hurt him and he cannot forgive you and he will always turn to someone else whenever in future he needs support, then my money isn't on your relationship continuing for too long. Tell him you're sorry you let him down and try to be calmer and more supportive in the future but if he is someone that cannot forgive mistakes and let go of resentment then he is not good boyfriend material for you or anyone.
Marty_McFly Posted February 1, 2004 Posted February 1, 2004 I know how he feels. There were times when my ex would get annoyed with me when I would complain about certain aspects of my life, particularly my job, because she felt like I had it better than most (which I admit I'm fortunate) and that I shouldn't complain. Nevertheless, they were things that were important to me that I would sometimes be down about. Hopefully, he gives you more chances to show improvement. You have to realize that there's a difference between giving someone sound advice that they may not want to hear and brushing aside the importance or relevance of their feelings altogether. It's OK, even necessary, to give advice sometimes, but when you do it, you have to still recognize the cause and validity of the other person's feelings.
Amygirl168 Posted February 1, 2004 Posted February 1, 2004 i just don't know what to say to him. I've already appoligized for the past. I used to get mad at him all the time because i expected him to be perfect when it's not possible for someone to be perfect. We broke up because he felt under pressure. I then told him that it was my fault b/c i was putting up walls to him. He said he was willing to try things again and we have been. But now after another month this happened. I found out what he was upset about: (He's the quitarist in my band) We were in this show and he was upset that he didn't get to play a song with this other band in addition to our songs. (in the past i've been very touchy about him playing with other bands) he was scared i'd get mad at him for even wanting to be involved with that band. He thought i'd think that playing our songs wasn't good enough in his mind. I guess i would feel a little jelouse because good musicians are hard to find and they're so easy to loose. I've put a lot into my band and he's a key ingredient. But even though i feel this way, i never would have expressed anger toward him for wanting to play one song with them.
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