shadowplay Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 This is something I've noticed over the years after reading thousands of threads (ha! ), and it's only a minor trend in that it doesn't apply to the majority of men. But it seems to be far more rare in women. This isn't a rant, more of a random observation. Anyway, this type of guy will report having a fabulous relationship with a woman whom he loves and often even claims he is in love with. He can't find a single fault in her. But then he's plagued by some mysterious doubt that makes him unable to commit to her, and so he eventually he ends it. He never really questions his decision and seems convinced that it didn't feel right in his heart. I'm always skeptical when I read these threads. I get the sense that the doubt is really a consequence of the man's own problems rather than anything about the particular woman. He seems to be rationalizing. I've also noticed that for whatever reason a lot of these guys have somewhat passive personalities...they're closer to the stereotypical "nice guys" than they are to alpha males. Not the type of guy you'd expect to break a woman's heart. This behavior is disturbing because the woman is either strung along for years or suddenly dropped with no warning. Women are often accused by men of being fickle and always trying to trade up. This may be true of some women to a degree, but even in those cases the women seem to have more concrete reasons for ending things...even if those reasons are admittedly lame. They rarely just abandon a relationship that they call amazing with somebody they claim to be in love with. I guess very young women might be an exception to this trend. So what is this behavior all about, and why does it seem to be more of a male thing (but again, only applying to a minority of guys)? Btw, please keep the gender-bashing posts out. That's not what this is about. Let's stay on topic.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 My last boyfriend was a "commitment phobe". Or whatever. I think the problem with these guys is they don't believe in their own ability to be what a woman needs and wants for long term. Women's hopes for a man and his behavior tend to be a lot higher than men's for women -- natural, given the realities of the reproductive burden. Most men come out swinging in the beginning, then get tired and are likely to bow out. It's fun and exciting to catch a woman. It's a lot harder and more demanding to keep her.
Serenitynow Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 Btw, please keep the gender-bashing posts out. That's not what this is about. Let's stay on topic. I agree. I wish more people would stick to topic instead of ranting about the opposite sex. I am 39. When I was in my early 20's I broke up with 2 women for no reason other than I just got tired of being committed to a schedule/time frame. I wanted to be free to do what I wanted when I wanted. I felt like I had to check in before making plans or whatever. There was nothing really wrong with the girls, it was just how I felt at the time. Theres also the genes in guys that give us the seed and move on traits. I'm sure theres a good amount that start having long term commitment fears as well.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 It's neither fun nor exciting to chase and catch a woman. Maybe for the men who like game playing, but not for the rest of us. I said catch, not chase.
Woggle Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 Women can be just as bad. Look at all the walkaway wives that need to find themselves.
JohnnyDrama Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 As a commitment phob a long time ago there was a time where I didn't feel I needed to be around somebody. I was the only child, I was usually by myself and resourceful. Until a couple years ago I finally realized I don't want to be alone the rest of my life so had to get things going. So yes if men do end relationships for vague reasons it's quite possible they're afraid of commitment. That doesn't make them a bad person though.
Serenitynow Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 I don't buy this at all. It's science, not opinion. Doesnt matter if you buy it. Genetically, we are mammals and are not built for monogamy (this is proven scientifically) SOCIALLY, the family unit is a mainstay of most cultures and monogamy ups the chances of that success. Why do you think the alpha male types are the ones with multiple kids from multiple women ? Because they have that attraction women are drawn to, but its that same trait that makes them cheat and move on. .
JohnnyDrama Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 It's not a good thing when someone ends a relationship for a vague reason. No but it doesn't make them a bad person.
Els Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 I honestly think only the reason they GIVE the woman is vague. I think that in most cases, there is a very solid and ongoing reason that guys being guys, either don't know how to put in detailed words or can't be bothered to.
Serenitynow Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 Humans are intelligent beings and some choose monogamy and others choose otherwase We are nothing more than a species on this planet, same as any other. Studies are showing how little control we have over everyday decisions. We like to think we are in total control, but its scary how much drives us through our subconscious, dna, and other factors Many people will disagree with this, but science is science. People like to think that they are "special" or "better" than anything else. We are nothing but specs in this vast universe. There are more stars in the universe, than all the the grains of sand on all the beaches and deserts on earth. People give themselves self importance to justify exisiting. .
Shakz Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 I honestly think only the reason they GIVE the woman is vague. I think that in most cases, there is a very solid and ongoing reason that guys being guys, either don't know how to put in detailed words or can't be bothered to. Yes, Elswyth, I believe you are exactly right. I could go into great detail as to the specific reason why I broke up with my last GF, but I believe if you can't say anything nice about someone don't say anything at all (at least in real life). Why bother going into it when you can just say, "It's not you, it's me," and leave it go at that.
Serenitynow Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 "It's not you, it's me," and leave it go at that Who are you George Costanza ?
Stockalone Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 Yes, Elswyth, I believe you are exactly right. I could go into great detail as to the specific reason why I broke up with my last GF, but I believe if you can't say anything nice about someone don't say anything at all (at least in real life). Why bother going into it when you can just say, "It's not you, it's me," and leave it go at that. Because it's a cop-out that is mostly used by people who are afraid of having to explain their reasons. Are there really people out there who react to that with "Well, in that case, I understand and it's okay."?
ADF Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 Whenever anyone--male or female--ends a relationship for murky reasons, it is because they're trying to make the break-up as easy as possible on themselves. Their partner's feelings don't count. In these cases, the dumpers lack the courage to give their real reasons. If they did, most would probably expose themselves as pretty base and rotten people.
spookie Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 Once you're comfortable with it, being alone is so great, sometimes I wonder why anyone bothers dating at all.
Stockalone Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 So what is this behavior all about, and why does it seem to be more of a male thing (but again, only applying to a minority of guys)? I don't believe those men are being honest. Instead, it gives them a way to get out of a relationship without having to explain/justify their real reason(s). I think it's possible that some are incredibly lazy and do it because of that, but most who act like this are, IMO, cowards. If you challenge them, they will react defensively. They will tell you: "I don't have to explain myself. I made my decision and it is what it is.", or something else along those lines. If that is the best they can do for someone who they claim to love or have loved, that tells me all I need to know.
Serenitynow Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 I'd like to know how you feel when you are on the receiving end of some bad behavior from a woman and she blames it on science or genetics. Happens once a month with them.
Shakz Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 Who are you George Costanza ? No, he was taller and had more hair.
Shakz Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 Because it's a cop-out that is mostly used by people who are afraid of having to explain their reasons. Are there really people out there who react to that with "Well, in that case, I understand and it's okay."? Figure of speech, SA, figure of speech.
Jilly Bean Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 I think what's happening is that the person who thinks the relationship is champagne and roses really isn't pay attention to the little signs and nuances that the other person isn't genuinely happy or fulfilled. Because there are tons of threads that start out saying someone was dumped, out of the blue, and then come to find out down the road, that XYZ happened and is really what caused the break-up. I think it's more a situation of the person being dumped not able to be honest with themselves about why the relationship ended. Generally they had more to do with it than they care to admit. And I think people in general are non-confrontational, and aren't going to date someone that they are complaining to all the time about the relationship. They would rather tell them everything is fine, while evaluating things, until they are too fed up and bail. Most of what you perceive as someone being vague or passive, is really someone who is not digging the other person, and is waiting for the right time to end it.
Author shadowplay Posted June 21, 2010 Author Posted June 21, 2010 I think what's happening is that the person who thinks the relationship is champagne and roses really isn't pay attention to the little signs and nuances that the other person isn't genuinely happy or fulfilled. Because there are tons of threads that start out saying someone was dumped, out of the blue, and then come to find out down the road, that XYZ happened and is really what caused the break-up. I think it's more a situation of the person being dumped not able to be honest with themselves about why the relationship ended. Generally they had more to do with it than they care to admit. And I think people in general are non-confrontational, and aren't going to date someone that they are complaining to all the time about the relationship. They would rather tell them everything is fine, while evaluating things, until they are too fed up and bail. Most of what you perceive as someone being vague or passive, is really someone who is not digging the other person, and is waiting for the right time to end it. I think you're talking about something else. I'm not talking about what the dumpee reports, but what the dumper writes in their own threads (not what they necessarily tell the woman). I find it bizarre when somebody writes that they had an amazing relationship with someone they loved immensely and yet something vague didn't feel right so they ended it.
Tony T Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 I think you're talking about something else. I'm not talking about what the dumpee reports, but what the dumper writes in their own threads (not what they necessarily tell the woman). I find it bizarre when somebody writes that they had an amazing relationship with someone they loved immensely and yet something vague didn't feel right so they ended it. The reason is usually very simple. Some of the time, the person is a player and they simply aren't ready to give up their freedom. More often, the person is terrified of commitment, abandonment, etc. and simply does not want to deal with the associated psychological issues. In cases where a guy fears abandonment, sometime in their lives a person they loved very deeply left them, either in death, by moving away, or just by leaving and the result was horrifying to them. Rather than go through such a horrendously emotionally destructive ordeal again, it's better for them to leave a relationship that is getting too close than to risk the kind of hurt they went through previously. I know it's hard to believe but it happens often. So, matter of fact, a man can actually end a relationship with someone he loves more than life itself rather than risk future abandonment by that person. Very often, these people end up marrying those they aren't so crazy about because if the relationship ends it's not such a big deal.
Engadget Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 I did it because I was afraid of being dumped, so I did it first. I was young and insecure then though.
Jilly Bean Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 I think you're talking about something else. I'm not talking about what the dumpee reports, but what the dumper writes in their own threads (not what they necessarily tell the woman). I find it bizarre when somebody writes that they had an amazing relationship with someone they loved immensely and yet something vague didn't feel right so they ended it. Sorry - a comprehension issue, clearly. lol. I wasn't talking about any specific - it was all general. Now that you've cliff-noted for me, I'll opine again. I think THAT person you are describing probably feels something is missing. That something intangible that can be different for each person. For many men, I think even with a woman who is great on paper and who they love dearly, if they don't like HOW they feel when they are with the woman, that's enough of a reason to quit and move on. I have a friend who was dating a gal for a few months. I asked how it was going, and he told me though she was great and wonderful and a squirter - lol, he simply didn't like the way he felt when he was with her. He didn't feel special. He didn't feel adored. THAT was enough for him to dump her and move on, and that is something that is very difficult to both recognize and eventually articulate to a partner.
Author shadowplay Posted June 22, 2010 Author Posted June 22, 2010 I'll quote something insightful SadandConfusedWA wrote in another thread that I think is relevant to the type of guy I'm describing: That's the problem with "nice guys". They avoid conflict and don't have the balls to speak up, so they just go with the flow and mentally/emotionally check out, while externally doing all the right things to avoid direct confrontation.
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