prettybaby Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 (edited) I realize it's probably not a big deal, but let's just say it's kind of there on my mind, so I felt like sharing. My boyfriend and I were talking about our next vacation in August. He suggested Greece. I've never been there. He has been there several times and says it's great, so he suggested that. I'm fine with that choice, and told him we should go to a not too crowded area and find a romantic hotel. I was thinking we'd look at catalogs and websites and find something. But he suggested one right away (which he had already mentioned a few months ago) and described in detail how small and romantic it is. It's obvious he's been there with his ex. Ultimately, I guess I don't really mind that much. And the way he described the area really does sound awesome. But there's just something that feels weird to me about this. Maybe because I've never been in that situation? I don't know. I don't want to suggest a different location just because of that. I mean, after all, it would be stupid for him to never go back to a great place just because he went there with his ex first. And it would be stupid for me to never visit some great place just because of that. But then on the other hand, I'm thinking "well there's a whole world out there for us to visit, we can make our own memories in our own places". I just have mixed feelings about it. I don't know if it's because THAT's what popped into his head when I suggested "something romantic" or what. I can't tell if it's normal for me to feel that way, and whether I should ignore it or not. *sigh* what do you guys think? Edit: I guess I should also add that his ex is his sister-in-law's twin sister. So I basically see his ex's sister regularly. Our conversation always lead to vacations at some point, because we all travel at least twice a year. So in a way, I feel weird that next time she asks us where we're going, he'll be telling her that we're going to the same location and the same hotel he went to with her sister. And it feels weird to me. Edited June 20, 2010 by prettybaby
yume Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 Do some of the trip planning yourself. You agreed to go to Greece because he said it was great, but that doesn't mean he should choose the hotel too. See if you can find a different place and show it to him...I think its important you create memories with him not in a place he previously shared with another woman. Be unique, don't recreate his trip with his ex.
brainygirl Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 I think this isn't that big a deal . . . . sounds like he knows the area and is comfortable going to that establishment.
tigressA Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 I think it's normal for you to feel that way. I think I'd feel that way too, if I were in your shoes. I agree with what yume said: since he chose the destination, ask if you can choose where you stay. Make the point that since he's been to Greece several times already, it might be nice for him to stay in an area that he may not have seen or explored enough yet. That way you can both get a new experience while making your own memories.
White Dove Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 I don't find it a big deal either, maybe because I feel that wherever we go -- we are making memories of our own.
norajane Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 But then on the other hand, I'm thinking "well there's a whole world out there for us to visit, we can make our own memories in our own places" I agree with you. I'd look for another sweet hotel, and suggest going there instead. There is more than one romantic hotel in Greece! There is absolutely no reason you have to go that hotel. OR to Greece, for that matter, or to that particular town. Greece is one romantic island after another! There are plenty of places to choose from, and it should be fun for both of you to find a cool new place together. It's not a hardship to look for a different place. If he asks why you don't want to stay at the place he suggested, be honest with him, and tell him you'd really rather make your memories in your own place instead of having his ex's shadow there with you. I don't know if he will really see things the same way...he might be completely oblivious to what it means to you to go to the same place he went with his ex. It might mean nothing to him. But it means something to you, so there's no reason to let his being oblivious spoil the fun and romance for you.
Author prettybaby Posted June 20, 2010 Author Posted June 20, 2010 I don't find it a big deal either, maybe because I feel that wherever we go -- we are making memories of our own. I could be completely wrong here, but I get the feeling you're just looking at it hypothetically and that you've never actually been in a situation where you'll be staying at the same hotel your current partner went to with his ex fiancee. We have gone to random places around here where I've been with my ex (like some streets, stores, etc - hard to avoid), so I know that memories do pop up here and there without actually wanting it to happen, even if you are making new memories with your new partner. So I'm thinking that purposely going to such place could be weird. I guess I just don't feel like being compared while I'm supposed to be relaxing in the sun, away from stress and worries. Hmmfff, I don't know. Maybe I should consider a different area altogether.
Stung Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 Yeah, it would bother me. In fact, I've had a similar situation crop up in my marriage, with his exgf whom we see all the time as a matter of course as she is the mother of my stepdaughter. The thing is not to get angry or take this personally. My husband simply didn't see it the way I did, it wasn't a slight and it had nothing to do with lingering memories of his ex; he is a numbers and facts guy, I am a writer and tend to think in symbols. For me, a location can get symbolically attached to the memory of the relationship, the romance and sex. For him, not so much. Just be honest and tell your bf you would prefer to make new memories in a new place, just the two of you.
White Dove Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 I could be completely wrong here, but I get the feeling you're just looking at it hypothetically and that you've never actually been in a situation where you'll be staying at the same hotel your current partner went to with his ex fiancee. We have gone to random places around here where I've been with my ex (like some streets, stores, etc - hard to avoid), so I know that memories do pop up here and there without actually wanting it to happen, even if you are making new memories with your new partner. So I'm thinking that purposely going to such place could be weird. I guess I just don't feel like being compared while I'm supposed to be relaxing in the sun, away from stress and worries. Hmmfff, I don't know. Maybe I should consider a different area altogether. You're wrong, I've been in similar situation but I didn't let it ruin the holiday. I guess I'm just different in that I don't let things like this get to me. You can always opt for another hotel I'm sure there will be no comparing from his side. Don't think too much about this -- choose another hotel and enjoy Greece!! I've always wanted to go to Greece and I'm so jealous!
2sunny Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 i think it's fine as long as you're not in the same room that he stayed in when he previously visited.
Author prettybaby Posted June 20, 2010 Author Posted June 20, 2010 i think it's fine as long as you're not in the same room that he stayed in when he previously visited. there are only 4 rooms, so the odds are there.
Els Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 Hm. I think the answer you will get will vary widely from person to person... because it just affects some of us that way and others not, for no reason at all. For example, I brought my bf to the restaurant that my ex and I frequented a lot, simply because it had the best food at that particular price range, period. On the other hand, when I visited my bf at his old childhood town, I could tell that he avoided the hotel that he said he and his gf had stayed at, on purpose. Different approaches. In the end, what matters is that it makes YOU uncomfortable. Don't you think this has an extremely easy solution? Suggest somewhere else. I'm sure there are lots of other great places - it just takes a little research.
Confusedalways Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 Just find a different hotel and say you think you should try something new! Personally- ex girlfriend aside, I think it's more fun on a vacation if we go somewhere either both of us have never been to, or both of us have been to. Since he's been and you haven't, I would definitely want a new hotel even if the girlfriend wasn't in the equation, makes for a more fun adventure.
Sivok Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 From a guy's perspective, it's not that easy finding a romantic restaurant/hotel. We usually put it on our shoulders to find such places, so when we do find one we may visit it numerous times since 'it works'. I guess I never really saw it your way, prettybaby. It wouldn't have had anything to do with memories of my ex. ...I think I now understand why whenever I take someone on a date to a really nice place they say 'wow this is great! you must take all the girls here' or 'have you been here before?'. :X
Confusedalways Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 From a guy's perspective, it's not that easy finding a romantic restaurant/hotel. We usually put it on our shoulders to find such places, so when we do find one we may visit it numerous times since 'it works'. I guess I never really saw it your way, prettybaby. It wouldn't have had anything to do with memories of my ex. ...I think I now understand why whenever I take someone on a date to a really nice place they say 'wow this is great! you must take all the girls here' or 'have you been here before?'. :X you never realized that?
Sivok Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 I do now. That's it, I'm sticking to ****ty motels and hot dog stands
JohnnyDrama Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 I am curious why people think she should choose the romantic hotel. I understand partially but he has the experience of knowing what the hotel is like and the area. Let her choose the hotel and all she has to go by is what is on a brochure. If you bought a car at a dealership you loved and the car lasted you 12+ years why wouldn't you go back to the place if you liked that experience and what they have to offer?
JohnnyDrama Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 I do now. That's it, I'm sticking to ****ty motels and hot dog stands Get a motel that is condemned the next day you might get a real good rate.
Serenitynow Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 Another subject that shows the difference between the male mind and the female mind I have gone to virginia beach with 2 different women. Not the same hotel but same beach. Am I NEVER supposed to go to virginia beach ever again because I already took someone else there ? Am I never supposed to fly the same airline because me and my ex used it ? Do you see how illogical it is once you apply that thinking to other things beside just the hotel ? When I take a gf somewhere, I do it because I want to share the experiance with her. I want her to enjoy it.
Confusedalways Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 I am curious why people think she should choose the romantic hotel. I understand partially but he has the experience of knowing what the hotel is like and the area. Let her choose the hotel and all she has to go by is what is on a brochure. If you bought a car at a dealership you loved and the car lasted you 12+ years why wouldn't you go back to the place if you liked that experience and what they have to offer? Well I think she should pick the hotel because if he's already made a suggestion and she's shooting him down it'd be kind of weird to be like "nope, pick another" it would seem more productive to say "rather than X, lets stay in Y, what do you think?" Plus I mean really, if you're in Greece of all places surely the last thing on your mind would be if you picked a bad hotel. Anyway, picking the hotel is one of the best parts!
JohnnyDrama Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 Well I think she should pick the hotel because if he's already made a suggestion and she's shooting him down it'd be kind of weird to be like "nope, pick another" it would seem more productive to say "rather than X, lets stay in Y, what do you think?" Plus I mean really, if you're in Greece of all places surely the last thing on your mind would be if you picked a bad hotel. Anyway, picking the hotel is one of the best parts! I understand what you're saying, I have never been to Greece so I wouldn't know. I can understand the way she's thinking but if it's a terrific place why not stay there? Just as guys can over think things girls can sometimes be blinded by things.
Els Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 Another subject that shows the difference between the male mind and the female mind . I think you must've completely skipped my example.
Confusedalways Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 I understand what you're saying, I have never been to Greece so I wouldn't know. I can understand the way she's thinking but if it's a terrific place why not stay there? Just as guys can over think things girls can sometimes be blinded by things. I mean- I agree with you, it SHOULDN'T matter, but the OP is clearly not comfortable with it. She wants to make her own memories in their own hotel- I guess she thinks he will constantly be reminded of the time he had with his ex. I can't really speak for her, though.
norajane Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 I understand what you're saying, I have never been to Greece so I wouldn't know. I can understand the way she's thinking but if it's a terrific place why not stay there? Just as guys can over think things girls can sometimes be blinded by things. Because the last thing you want on a romantic vacation with your bf is to be thinking he had sex in that 4-room hotel with his ex, maybe in THIS room, on THIS bed, and that he's probably remembering it right now.
Adunaphel Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 He probably mentioned the hotel just because he has already been there and was happy with it. I am quite sure that thoughts of his ex didn't even cross his mind... Sivok's post makes percfect sense IMO and it probably could apply to your bf. I suggest that, if it bothers you, you mention it to your bf in a nice way. Perhaps he might even have a "sorry, I didn't consider it from this perspective" reaction.
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