Failed reconnection? Still hope? I don't know what to think... or do...

June 30, 2010

Sub and Lull... my ex's birthday was yesterday! maybe we should all stay away from people born around this time

Reading all these posts helps me every day. I'm sorry you both had a bad day or two in the past week. I totally get it and reading this makes me feel more sane. I'll go days and days being so proud of myself because I feel better and see my old self in the mirror. Then all of a sudden something will trigger and BAM - welcome to emotional disaster area. It could last minutes, hours or a couple days but I have learned it is temporary every time.

Do you guys ever find yourself feeling empowered and, only hours later, feel terribly again? There are days I feel bipolar.

Lull, I wished my ex a happy bday too but just a simple 3-word text. I didn't expect a response but he sent me one... which I immediately deleted. I was just trying to take what I thought was the highroad but when he responded I realized I had no desire to engage in text dialogue.

Hope you are both feeling good today. I have been looking to the stories of friends as inspiration. I have a friend that just got married to an amazing guy after less than 2 years... before him, she came out of a 6 year relationship and was just like one of us. Onwards and upwards!!!

Hey Kafkas,

I'm pleased these posts help you. I think generally everyone goes through the same types of things.

In fact connecting on here with Lull has been a real high point for me, because we both went through similar things at similar times.

I used to feel lifted for a day, then crash, now its weeks, before that happens. Honestly I think I am at about 85 percent, just another 15 and I will be done with the process. I know what you mean though. Its a heck of a rollercoaster ride isn't it?

Ive worked hard at creating distractions, at first I couldn't function. To be honest I snapped one day. Found inspirational music for my IPOD and have run my heart out for 7 months. Usually 18 to 21 miles a week. Snow, rain, heat, you name it, I've run in it. It has been my mantra. Its the one thing I have done the whole time, and no one can ruin it for me. From there I started going out, meeting new people, girls, and here I am - proof that it does work.

Thanks for your encouragement and hope to speak to you soon.

Sup.

June 30, 2010

Hey Kafkas,

I'm pleased these posts help you. I think generally everyone goes through the same types of things.

In fact connecting on here with Lull has been a real high point for me, because we both went through similar things at similar times.

Right now I'm either 100 percent confident or it bottoms, the good news is that when it does bottom (like Sunday) its not for long which is a massive change from months ago. In other words I can pick myself up quickly.
I used to feel lifted for a day, then crash, now its weeks, before that happens. Honestly I think I am at about 85 percent, just another 15 and I will be done with the process. I know what you mean though. Its a heck of a rollercoaster ride isn't it?

Ive worked hard at creating distractions, at first I couldn't function. To be honest I snapped one day. Found inspirational music for my IPOD and have run my heart out for 7 months. Usually 18 to 21 miles a week. Snow, rain, heat, you name it, I've run in it. It has been my mantra. Its the one thing I have done the whole time, and no one can ruin it for me. From there I started going out, meeting new people, girls, and here I am - proof that it does work.

Thanks for your encouragement and hope to speak to you soon.

Sup.

Hey Kafkas! Thanks for posting and I'm glad it helped. And as Sup said, we all go through the same type of feelings I guess. That rush of emotion, happiness, sadness, uncertainty, all in one day!

And let's not fall in love with people being born during June and July please!!!!!!! I'm with you on that!

Yes. For Sup and me was the right place at the right time, because it's easy to give advice, but when there're two people living it at the same time, then you can really put yourself in the other's place and understand. And that was our case and we really committed to each other's problem.

And yes, it does feel like living a nightmare at moments. You wake up and say 'Am I really going through this?'

It's like that= one moment power and happiness, and the next your world crashes, you loose control of the situation.

I called my ex to wish him happy b-day yesterday night. He said he'd like to talk tonight but it's late already and I don't think he will. Perhaps, he thought I was going to contact him again, because that's what he did on my b-day, which was a couple of weeks ago, and he came home, we hooked up and so on... but I don't think I was the one to contact him AGAIN! Anyway...

One thing I learned is that you should never loose hope. No matter what, because second chances do happen, and there're great love stories, but you also have to be reasonable and don't let hope mislead you in your actions.

Hope to hear more from you!

June 30, 2010

Hi Lull,

Thank you so much! I have been wanting to post here and join into your and Sup's conversation but felt like i was just gonna add onto your guys' problems.

I will really live by no contact at least for now. I know that even if he doesnt come back to me, I know that someday I do want to be friends. He will always be special and important to me. But right now, you're right, i need to work on ME for myself. I just dont know how. Or how do i know if i truly am doing it for myself?

And you ask how our relationship was on the 2 months that we've been talking after the break up? It was actually 3. And i dont really know how to describe that relationship. Of course, right after the break up, i did the typical begging and crying, then he'll start feeling guilty all the time. Then i told myself that i need to stop being like that. I need to show him that im not always depressed. That i can be happy too. More than half of the people we know probably dont knw that we've been broken up. Because everyday, he would still text me (not all day like we used to for the past 2 years) but sometime during the day he'd ask me how i am or how my day was. He would ask me to eat lunch or dinner almost everyday. People would see us all the time and still assume we're together. I guess one thing that never went away is our ability to talk to each other about everything. Whenever we're together, we can be normal. It was never awkward. We get to talk like we normally do and laugh and have fun. I liked it, but deep inside me i was hurting because it was truly the feeling of we get to be the way we used to be but we cant be together? Why? He truly does make it a point to say goodnite to me every night. Minus the 2 times that he didnt. A lot of people are saying that hes leading me on but honestly, i dont think he is. I honestly wasnt even led on by the things he did at all. I know that it is over for him and the reason he's still there is that he truly just wants to be friends. We were each others' first love and we both dont really know how to deal with this break up. So wenever i get a goodnite from him, im happy to know that I came across his mind at some points or that he still remembers me.

Towards the end though before i said goodbye to him, i did become so much more clingy and needy coz i know im about to take him out of my life and i wanted to spend more time with him for the last time. Ive been scared that wen i come back into his life, i know that deep inside me i would still want to get a "goodnight" from him every night but i cant expect anymore. And those are the changes that i risked when I chose NC.

I know that he wasnt keeping me around just to make me friends with benefits. Because as embarassing as it sounds, i tried to be intimate with him a few times and he didnt even want to. I tried to kiss him and he wont exactly push me away but i could tell he didnt want to. I would ask how he can suddenly be so disgusted by me and he would say that hes not disgusted but he thinks its gonna hurt me more if i try doing those things. I just really cannot accept the fact that its over. I just dont understand how he can suddenly not be as in love with me anymore. I feel like its still there and hes just repressing it because the month before the break up, we went through the biggest fight and challenge of our relationship. But he gave up.

Sorry for the long reply. Haha. I hope you're feeling better about your situation though. I know its hard not to be happy with the little things that your ex does. It gives you that giggly feeling. But just be careful, and i know you are now after being hurt by him so many times.

Hi Marigo!

You'll see when you're doing it for you when you no longer think before doing it. I don't know how to explain it, but what I mean is that just do it, buy something cute, go out, laugh hysterically without reason, run, jog, swim, whatever, but make it something that YOU likes. Not something that would change you for HIM. Ultimately, everything we do in our lives is for ourselves, even if we change the color of our hair, you're doing it because you like it. And you'll realize if you did it for yourself when you see you don't need him to tell you 'oh you changed', when you can say that when you look in the mirror, without having someone noticing it for you.

I'm inspired tonight Well, maybe because I've just cried, AGAIN, thinking that I spent his b-day WITHOUT HIM and I wish I could have been there.

Everything in bold is exactly like my story. He didn't text me goodnite everyday, but we did have a lot of contact. Everything was natural and normal when we talked. He even called me 'sweety' 'honey'. WHY? Then why can't we be together???

My ex hooked up with me one night, he couldn't help it, and he did want physical contact but we could have had so much more and he didn't want, so he was not using me for sex either.

What else? Ah, yes. My ex also gave up after having a couple of fights and if you've read when I told about the incident on a Sat night, he got mad because I was mad and needy. So see? this is what I mean with the right place at the right time, I can totally get your situation.

The reasons why he contacted you are only known by him, you will never know. You can be friends with him but not now, maybe in the future.

You be careful too!

How long has it been since the last time you talked to him?

June 30, 2010

Hi Marigo!

You'll see when you're doing it for you when you no longer think before doing it. I don't know how to explain it, but what I mean is that just do it, buy something cute, go out, laugh hysterically without reason, run, jog, swim, whatever, but make it something that YOU likes. Not something that would change you for HIM. Ultimately, everything we do in our lives is for ourselves, even if we change the color of our hair, you're doing it because you like it. And you'll realize if you did it for yourself when you see you don't need him to tell you 'oh you changed', when you can say that when you look in the mirror, without having someone noticing it for you.

I'm inspired tonight Well, maybe because I've just cried, AGAIN, thinking that I spent his b-day WITHOUT HIM and I wish I could have been there.

Everything in bold is exactly like my story. He didn't text me goodnite everyday, but we did have a lot of contact. Everything was natural and normal when we talked. He even called me 'sweety' 'honey'. WHY? Then why can't we be together???
My ex hooked up with me one night, he couldn't help it, and he did want physical contact but we could have had so much more and he didn't want, so he was not using me for sex either.
What else? Ah, yes. My ex also gave up after having a couple of fights and if you've read when I told about the incident on a Sat night, he got mad because I was mad and needy. So see? this is what I mean with the right place at the right time, I can totally get your situation.

The reasons why he contacted you are only known by him, you will never know. You can be friends with him but not now, maybe in the future.

You be careful too!

How long has it been since the last time you talked to him?

Hi Lull,

I know exactly how you feel especially with you not being there on his birthday. It's that feeling of you know that day is special and important for him and you want to be a part of it or a part of his life when that happens. It hurts so bad to know that he can celebrate a special day like that without you. Just like you, my ex and i broke up a month before his birthday. It was his 21st and I know it was a big thing for him. I was crying like crazy days before that and that day because I want to be there and celebrate it with him. I cant help but think that if we were still together, Id have so much plans for him. So i know exactly how you feel. I think i was able to go through it by convincing myself that if he really wanted me to be there and celebrate it with him he wouldve called me and asked. I think though, even if we both feel a certain way when special days like that comes. We wil be able to look back one day and wont feel a thing. We can shrug it off one day and say "i wouldve had so much stuff planned out for you but o well too bad you missed out." Sounds dumb i know. But i try to think that way sometimes to make me feel better that im not the only one missing out on anything but he is too.

I understand what you are trying to say about doing things for myself. Maybe i already am. Im just always so preoccupied thinking about him that i think everything that i do is still for him. I have been shopping, taking yoga lessons, planning on taking salsa lessons, and i have a photoshoot this friday just for fun.

I started the NC for about 3 weeks now. This week is the third week. I did contact him for the first week so i guess we havent talked for a week and a half? The longest we havent talked to each other.

How are you feeling now? Did your ex contact you at all about his birthday? Did you greet him or anything?

June 30, 2010

Hi Lull,

I know exactly how you feel especially with you not being there on his birthday. It's that feeling of you know that day is special and important for him and you want to be a part of it or a part of his life when that happens. It hurts so bad to know that he can celebrate a special day like that without you. Just like you, my ex and i broke up a month before his birthday. It was his 21st and I know it was a big thing for him. I was crying like crazy days before that and that day because I want to be there and celebrate it with him. I cant help but think that if we were still together, Id have so much plans for him. So i know exactly how you feel. I think i was able to go through it by convincing myself that if he really wanted me to be there and celebrate it with him he wouldve called me and asked. I think though, even if we both feel a certain way when special days like that comes. We wil be able to look back one day and wont feel a thing. We can shrug it off one day and say "i wouldve had so much stuff planned out for you but o well too bad you missed out." Sounds dumb i know. But i try to think that way sometimes to make me feel better that im not the only one missing out on anything but he is too.

I understand what you are trying to say about doing things for myself. Maybe i already am. Im just always so preoccupied thinking about him that i think everything that i do is still for him. I have been shopping, taking yoga lessons, planning on taking salsa lessons, and i have a photoshoot this friday just for fun.

I started the NC for about 3 weeks now. This week is the third week. I did contact him for the first week so i guess we havent talked for a week and a half? The longest we havent talked to each other.

How are you feeling now? Did your ex contact you at all about his birthday? Did you greet him or anything?

Marigo, how long were you guys together? I am at week 8 of NC, out of an almost 5 year relationship, and I will tell you it does get easier. The 3rd and 4th weeks I remember being really hard because it started to feel real instead of like he went on a 2 week trip somewhere far away or something. Having good friends helps a lot but sometimes it almost makes it worse because a lot of my friends that are married or coupled... we all used to do things together and they really want to be there for me and help me but they think that means talking to me about how I'm feeling ALL THE TIME! I think it helps to do things that have nothing to do with the ex, the breakup, self-evaluation etc.

It's going to get easier, I promise you that. You may hit a point where you think "wow I've been feeling good for a few days, I think the worst is over" and then it gets really hard again but don't get discouraged... it is normal. Before you know it the stretches of time that are positive get longer than the ones that are negative. I still miss him... I still secretly hope that he'll contact me but I've also realized something important. I'm not sure I'd take him back - I just want to be able to decide lol

I agree with Lull... go get something cute for yourself and do things that make you feel good about you. I got highlights and some new clothes, started doing bikram yoga again and I feel a lot better. I've also started to attempt running... something I've never liked much... but a friend of mine is going to do my first 5K with me at the end of the summer so I'll let you know how that goes Following this plan to gradually get into it... http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml

If any of you are ever in NYC hit me up and I'll take you out

x

PS I was having a really bad morning but this made me feel a little better

June 30, 2010

Correction... I am at 11.5 weeks NC. Wow I can't believe it's been that long!!! I did actually end up texting him happy bday and never thought he'd respond but he did... I deleted it so I wouldn't respond and am quite proud of myself.

Does it count as NC if you have friends in common and hear about the dumba$$? lol I feel like I'd be doing even better if I could quit him cold turkey and never hear of him again.

July 1, 2010

Marigo, how long were you guys together? I am at week 8 of NC, out of an almost 5 year relationship, and I will tell you it does get easier. The 3rd and 4th weeks I remember being really hard because it started to feel real instead of like he went on a 2 week trip somewhere far away or something. Having good friends helps a lot but sometimes it almost makes it worse because a lot of my friends that are married or coupled... we all used to do things together and they really want to be there for me and help me but they think that means talking to me about how I'm feeling ALL THE TIME! I think it helps to do things that have nothing to do with the ex, the breakup, self-evaluation etc.

It's going to get easier, I promise you that. You may hit a point where you think "wow I've been feeling good for a few days, I think the worst is over" and then it gets really hard again but don't get discouraged... it is normal. Before you know it the stretches of time that are positive get longer than the ones that are negative. I still miss him... I still secretly hope that he'll contact me but I've also realized something important. I'm not sure I'd take him back - I just want to be able to decide lol

I agree with Lull... go get something cute for yourself and do things that make you feel good about you. I got highlights and some new clothes, started doing bikram yoga again and I feel a lot better. I've also started to attempt running... something I've never liked much... but a friend of mine is going to do my first 5K with me at the end of the summer so I'll let you know how that goes Following this plan to gradually get into it... http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml

If any of you are ever in NYC hit me up and I'll take you out

x

PS I was having a really bad morning but this made me feel a little better

Hi Kafkas,

Wow, 11.5 weeks of NC. Thats a long time. Do you still have the urge to contact him? Id like to imagine myself having NC for that long. I need to really fight the times that I miss him. Although, honestly, since the last time i talked to him, i felt like i have gotten rid of the urge of wanting to talk to him. We ended up arguing the last time we talked. He even mentioned about expecting me to call again and that we're gonna have a conversation about the break up. That made me not want to call him. I want to prove to him that this time, i wont be the one to call first.

We were together for 2 years. Not as long as yours, but i truly did love him. I hope the urge to contact him doesnt come back. Because its super hard to fight it.

Just curious though, you said you're not sure if you want him back. I hear that a lot. That the time will come when he decides to come back, you're the one who doesnt want him anymore. So i guess im just curious about that feeling. Like what realizations did u have to make u feel like that?

July 2, 2010

Hi Kafkas,

Wow, 11.5 weeks of NC. Thats a long time. Do you still have the urge to contact him? Id like to imagine myself having NC for that long. I need to really fight the times that I miss him. Although, honestly, since the last time i talked to him, i felt like i have gotten rid of the urge of wanting to talk to him. We ended up arguing the last time we talked. He even mentioned about expecting me to call again and that we're gonna have a conversation about the break up. That made me not want to call him. I want to prove to him that this time, i wont be the one to call first.

We were together for 2 years. Not as long as yours, but i truly did love him. I hope the urge to contact him doesnt come back. Because its super hard to fight it.

Just curious though, you said you're not sure if you want him back. I hear that a lot. That the time will come when he decides to come back, you're the one who doesnt want him anymore. So i guess im just curious about that feeling. Like what realizations did u have to make u feel like that?

Good for you Kafka! that's a long time!!! I'm glad the post made you feel better. It always helps me when I'm feeling really down. And if I ever go to NYC I'll let you know and it's great that you're running and doing stuff for you. How are you today?

Marigo! thanks for your comments. How are you doing?

As regards your question, I can answer. It's not like there's a realization, it's just that you know you suffered, you were down because of him, so you feel afraid of being hurt again, and you may think you're not sure about having him back. Why would you want to go back to the person that made you suffer? only if the person comes and offers his 100% or more to work it out, otherwise, there're high chances you reject the offer at first.

I feel that. Even though I love him, need him, and can't believe it's over after everything we've been though and how we love each other, BUT, if he comes back and says 'hey I want you want', I won't jump to it right away. He would need to win my trust again, so I'm not sure I would want him back.

How do you feel?

Me? Well, I wish the urge to call him would go away. We texted on Wednesday, but it was just about his b-day on Tuesday and how it was, and he never asked how I was or anything. Knowing him, he's is just playing like hard to get, really. Believe it or not, he may think I'm too proud to contact him and that I SHOULD DO IT! But I won't. He was here for my b-day, I don't have to act the same way and I certainly won't be flirting with him because we never get to anything. I'm really mad and upset. I know I will be better, and I plan on going NC, I can't stand it anymore. I know he will break it, because he always does

July 2, 2010

Hi Kafkas,

Wow, 11.5 weeks of NC. Thats a long time. Do you still have the urge to contact him? Id like to imagine myself having NC for that long. I need to really fight the times that I miss him. Although, honestly, since the last time i talked to him, i felt like i have gotten rid of the urge of wanting to talk to him. We ended up arguing the last time we talked. He even mentioned about expecting me to call again and that we're gonna have a conversation about the break up. That made me not want to call him. I want to prove to him that this time, i wont be the one to call first.

We were together for 2 years. Not as long as yours, but i truly did love him. I hope the urge to contact him doesnt come back. Because its super hard to fight it.

Just curious though, you said you're not sure if you want him back. I hear that a lot. That the time will come when he decides to come back, you're the one who doesnt want him anymore. So i guess im just curious about that feeling. Like what realizations did u have to make u feel like that?

Marigo - It's hard to explain it since it's more of a feeling but I'm going to try because I want to help. I suppose it's a combination of things. I started therapy the week after the breakup because I absolutely REFUSED to go into a downward spiral. I read a couple of books that helped. In order though... the easiest book to read first is "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken." It is blunt and honest but written in a really funny way and it was the first thing to really make me smile. The book that has also become almost like my bible since is "How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk" - it's a really stupid title I know . I got it for free in a goody bag from a shopping event I went to 3 years ago and it was collecting dust. I picked it up and started to read it and WOW - it explores the warning signs and how to be smart about choosing someone to spend your life, or any extended period of time, with. I wouldn't allow myself to only think about the good times, the nice things he said, waking up and looking into eachothers eyes etc. I started to REALLY (and you have to be willing to be honest with yourself) think about whether I was happy. I mean he loved me a lot and that made me happy but 1) he was terrible at communicating, 2) he'd shut down anytime something bad happened, 3) he was a talker whereas I'm a doer, 4) he was incredibly rude to his parents which troubled me because I come from an upbringing of respect... the list can go on but I guess I really started to see (and write down) the things I didn't like and that would concern me if we were to get married and have kids. I realized that most of our relationship was me being an amazing girlfriend to him, caring about his needs etc. He showered me with love, every day, but did he really ever think about my needs... honestly, no. I still love him and I want him to be happy but maybe there is a better fit for me out there. Someone that wants to go out and explore and do things instead of playing video games... someone that knows how to say "hey i'm upset and this is why" etc. It's something you never ever think is going to happen... and I'll admit I still have my moments. What's changed is I recognize that my moments are nothing more than moments... they aren't what I think or believe overall. I miss being in a relationship very much but I think there may be a better one for me when the time is right. I really hope this helps. Feel free to reach out anytime at all - I have been on such an emotional rollercoaster the past 3 months and I am happy to share anything that may help. Keep your head up - it gets better.

July 2, 2010

Good for you Kafka! that's a long time!!! I'm glad the post made you feel better. It always helps me when I'm feeling really down. And if I ever go to NYC I'll let you know and it's great that you're running and doing stuff for you. How are you today?

Marigo! thanks for your comments. How are you doing?

As regards your question, I can answer. It's not like there's a realization, it's just that you know you suffered, you were down because of him, so you feel afraid of being hurt again, and you may think you're not sure about having him back. Why would you want to go back to the person that made you suffer? only if the person comes and offers his 100% or more to work it out, otherwise, there're high chances you reject the offer at first.
I feel that. Even though I love him, need him, and can't believe it's over after everything we've been though and how we love each other, BUT, if he comes back and says 'hey I want you want', I won't jump to it right away. He would need to win my trust again, so I'm not sure I would want him back.
How do you feel?

Me? Well, I wish the urge to call him would go away. We texted on Wednesday, but it was just about his b-day on Tuesday and how it was, and he never asked how I was or anything. Knowing him, he's is just playing like hard to get, really. Believe it or not, he may think I'm too proud to contact him and that I SHOULD DO IT! But I won't. He was here for my b-day, I don't have to act the same way and I certainly won't be flirting with him because we never get to anything. I'm really mad and upset. I know I will be better, and I plan on going NC, I can't stand it anymore. I know he will break it, because he always does

Lull - I totally agree about the he'd have to be willing to give 100% and earn trust back. He'd also have to have shown some growth and willingness/intent to grow more because I think I've realized too much to just ignore it, when all's said and done.

I should also add having good friends is INCREDIBLY valuable through all this. I am very blessed in that deparment. I want to say though - I really don't think you "need" your ex. You love him, you care for him unconditionally... which is hard to get to in the first place and it seems like such a shame, such a dissappointment to have all that time, energy, love, experience just end. I believe STRONGLY we'll all come out OK either way. We aren't doormats and we aren't revolving doors!!!

I actually sent a really empowering email to some of my girlfriends yesterday and just posted it on LS under Coping -- the post is called "Ode to Independence." Enjoy!

Hope you're all doing well! Are you guys doing anything fun for the holiday weekend?

July 2, 2010

Here you go - hope you enjoy this just a little

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t236714/

Have a great weekend!

July 3, 2010

Good for you Kafka! that's a long time!!! I'm glad the post made you feel better. It always helps me when I'm feeling really down. And if I ever go to NYC I'll let you know and it's great that you're running and doing stuff for you. How are you today?

Marigo! thanks for your comments. How are you doing?

As regards your question, I can answer. It's not like there's a realization, it's just that you know you suffered, you were down because of him, so you feel afraid of being hurt again, and you may think you're not sure about having him back. Why would you want to go back to the person that made you suffer? only if the person comes and offers his 100% or more to work it out, otherwise, there're high chances you reject the offer at first.
I feel that. Even though I love him, need him, and can't believe it's over after everything we've been though and how we love each other, BUT, if he comes back and says 'hey I want you want', I won't jump to it right away. He would need to win my trust again, so I'm not sure I would want him back.
How do you feel?

Me? Well, I wish the urge to call him would go away. We texted on Wednesday, but it was just about his b-day on Tuesday and how it was, and he never asked how I was or anything. Knowing him, he's is just playing like hard to get, really. Believe it or not, he may think I'm too proud to contact him and that I SHOULD DO IT! But I won't. He was here for my b-day, I don't have to act the same way and I certainly won't be flirting with him because we never get to anything. I'm really mad and upset. I know I will be better, and I plan on going NC, I can't stand it anymore. I know he will break it, because he always does

Hey Lull,

So crazy that you know he will break NC and he always does. What are you gonna do if he does break it? Just wondering, have u tried like when he does contact you and u dont respond at all? I mean what do you do whenever he breaks NC?

And its hard for the urge to go away. The only reason it went away for me is that things went really bad the last time we talked. I realized that if there was even a small chance of getting back together, i wouldve already ruined that chance by talking to him coz i know that when im talking to him, im not normal and i get super emotional and needy. Our conversations turn into an argument. I cant help but ask him if theres someone else, and the last time i asked, he straight up told me that by asking him that all the time, he feels like its pushing him further and further away coz he said its like im questioning his integrity. Im not exactly sure how your conversation with your ex goes when you guys talk but sometimes you need something thatll trigger anger and thatll make you not want to call him anymore.

Well, ive been super emotional these days. A yearly event that his fam has been inviting me to for the past 2 years we were together is coming up. Not only am i sad that i wont be able to go to that anymore but im worried. Im worried that "is he gonna ask someone else?," "is he gonna ask that girl hes been commenting on fb?" So yeah that too. Right after we said goodbye to each other, he meets this girl at his sis grad party. They were commenting each other on fb literally back and forth. Its annoying coz they could be just friends but i cant help but always imagine there might be something more. It stopped, but maybe theyre texting now instead. Thats the reason i always ask him if theres someone else. I know i should trust him when he says no. A part of me knows that even if hes gonna hurt me, he knows i deserve to know the truth. But i cant help to wonder if hes lying or not.

I get you when you said that the reason you wont jump right back to it is that this person made you suffer like no other and you're gonna take him back right away? Honestly, thats how i feel. But i know deep inside that if he does back back, im gonna be weak and accept him right away.

How are you??

July 3, 2010

Marigo - It's hard to explain it since it's more of a feeling but I'm going to try because I want to help. I suppose it's a combination of things. I started therapy the week after the breakup because I absolutely REFUSED to go into a downward spiral. I read a couple of books that helped. In order though... the easiest book to read first is "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken." It is blunt and honest but written in a really funny way and it was the first thing to really make me smile. The book that has also become almost like my bible since is "How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk" - it's a really stupid title I know . I got it for free in a goody bag from a shopping event I went to 3 years ago and it was collecting dust. I picked it up and started to read it and WOW - it explores the warning signs and how to be smart about choosing someone to spend your life, or any extended period of time, with. I wouldn't allow myself to only think about the good times, the nice things he said, waking up and looking into eachothers eyes etc. I started to REALLY (and you have to be willing to be honest with yourself) think about whether I was happy. I mean he loved me a lot and that made me happy but 1) he was terrible at communicating, 2) he'd shut down anytime something bad happened, 3) he was a talker whereas I'm a doer, 4) he was incredibly rude to his parents which troubled me because I come from an upbringing of respect... the list can go on but I guess I really started to see (and write down) the things I didn't like and that would concern me if we were to get married and have kids. I realized that most of our relationship was me being an amazing girlfriend to him, caring about his needs etc. He showered me with love, every day, but did he really ever think about my needs... honestly, no. I still love him and I want him to be happy but maybe there is a better fit for me out there. Someone that wants to go out and explore and do things instead of playing video games... someone that knows how to say "hey i'm upset and this is why" etc. It's something you never ever think is going to happen... and I'll admit I still have my moments. What's changed is I recognize that my moments are nothing more than moments... they aren't what I think or believe overall. I miss being in a relationship very much but I think there may be a better one for me when the time is right. I really hope this helps. Feel free to reach out anytime at all - I have been on such an emotional rollercoaster the past 3 months and I am happy to share anything that may help. Keep your head up - it gets better.

Hey Kafkas,

I really admire you to have all these realizations and actually get them into your head. Ive had so many realizations since the break up, the only thing is that sometimes i deny it or i wont accept it Just like you, i try my best to think of qualities that i didnt like about him or anything like that, but it seems that even if i think of it, it wont do anything to me. I mean i would think "hes this hes that" but after a little while, im back to being "no, but hes the perfect guy...i accept that about him" so frustrating. Ugh! I guess the only time that i would really get that into my head is if i meet someone who is better than him then i can say, "wow im glad u broke up with me." i know its bad to compare but im sure almost everyone does as long as you dont let that affect you're new relationship.

So your ex hasnt tried contacting you ever since you started NC? How do you feel aout that? Judging by your post, it seems that you wont exactly be taking him back if he does want to come back. Im not sure if you've said it already, but may i ask the reason for your guys' break up? If you dont mind telling.

July 3, 2010

Hey girls. How are you?

Thanks for posting again.

Kafkas, I tried to find that book but couldn’t. Although I found some pages from it and found it really interesting.

It’s true what you say about having good friends, I’m blessed on that one too, it’s incredibly helpful.

And just like you wrote, it’s about that fear, that uncertainty, that feeling of being all by yourself again, and the feeling that someone decided to give up on you. I guess from my side I can’t complain about my ex, he was perfect really, had his little flaws but he was awesome with me and that’s what hurts a lot, because I can’t understand how someone can quit and give up so easily after a couple of arguments!!!!!!!! Still blows my mind.

Marigo, yeah, I know he will contact sooner or later, perhaps in two days, or in a month, because every time I distance myself from him, he comes crawling back. There was one time I was not home and he called and he got mad thinking that I didn’t want to pick up the phone, so I don’t think the tactic of not responding would help if I ever want him to work things out. Every time we talk it’s great, there’s no tension or argument really. Even this week when I called him to wish him happy b-day he said something like ‘honey, you remembered. I’m happy to hear your voice darling’ and all sort of crap. WTF?????? But he then is not up to the challenge of working things with me and he risks losing me.

I get what you say about being emotional and that doesn’t help at all. Now, he’s been contacting someone else? what is that?

I’ve been flirting with a guy at work these past days, and it’s helping me a lot. But it still hurts to think that I’m meeting new people and moving on, I wish it wouldn’t be like this.

What are you doing this weekend?

Sup! how are you sweetheart?

July 4, 2010

Hey girls. How are you?
Thanks for posting again.
Kafkas, I tried to find that book but couldn’t. Although I found some pages from it and found it really interesting.
It’s true what you say about having good friends, I’m blessed on that one too, it’s incredibly helpful.
And just like you wrote, it’s about that fear, that uncertainty, that feeling of being all by yourself again, and the feeling that someone decided to give up on you. I guess from my side I can’t complain about my ex, he was perfect really, had his little flaws but he was awesome with me and that’s what hurts a lot, because I can’t understand how someone can quit and give up so easily after a couple of arguments!!!!!!!! Still blows my mind.
Marigo, yeah, I know he will contact sooner or later, perhaps in two days, or in a month, because every time I distance myself from him, he comes crawling back. There was one time I was not home and he called and he got mad thinking that I didn’t want to pick up the phone, so I don’t think the tactic of not responding would help if I ever want him to work things out. Every time we talk it’s great, there’s no tension or argument really. Even this week when I called him to wish him happy b-day he said something like ‘honey, you remembered. I’m happy to hear your voice darling’ and all sort of crap. WTF?????? But he then is not up to the challenge of working things with me and he risks losing me.
I get what you say about being emotional and that doesn’t help at all. Now, he’s been contacting someone else? what is that?
I’ve been flirting with a guy at work these past days, and it’s helping me a lot. But it still hurts to think that I’m meeting new people and moving on, I wish it wouldn’t be like this.
What are you doing this weekend?
Sup! how are you sweetheart?

Lull,

Him and the girl that he just met, they were commenting each other on facebook for about a week then it stopped. I dunno if they are contacting each other through texting or calling. I have no idea if they even have each others' numbers. So maybe they did stop talking and it was just one of those facebook moments that maybe they dont have anything to do. But of course in these situations, i cant help but think of the worst.

Honestly, i think its kind of unfair for ur ex to get mad at you for not picking up the phone even if you really just missed it. He did break up with you and whether or not you want to communicate with him should be your choice. It's unfair that he doesnt want to work on the relationship or maybe not yet, but at the same time, he wants you to be there always. I wouldve been super confused if i was in your position. Have you guys talked about getting back together or really what he wants right now?

And im just staying home this weekend. Possibly shop and get some studying done for my summer classes. How bout you?

July 4, 2010

Lull,

Him and the girl that he just met, they were commenting each other on facebook for about a week then it stopped. I dunno if they are contacting each other through texting or calling. I have no idea if they even have each others' numbers. So maybe they did stop talking and it was just one of those facebook moments that maybe they dont have anything to do. But of course in these situations, i cant help but think of the worst.

Honestly, i think its kind of unfair for ur ex to get mad at you for not picking up the phone even if you really just missed it. He did break up with you and whether or not you want to communicate with him should be your choice. It's unfair that he doesnt want to work on the relationship or maybe not yet, but at the same time, he wants you to be there always. I wouldve been super confused if i was in your position. Have you guys talked about getting back together or really what he wants right now?

And im just staying home this weekend. Possibly shop and get some studying done for my summer classes. How bout you?

Yeah, it probably was one of those moments when you have a small conversation with someone and it ends there. Don't trouble yourself. You can do that too with someone but you won't fall in love so easily with someone else, he won't either.

Right. He doesn't want to work on the relationship, but he still wants to know I'm there, not moving on! Because he appears now and then with some f*** excuse to see me or talk and it's not fair!!!

See why I'm confused? It's not that I know he's seeing someone, or that he doesn't love me, or I don't know... something more concrete. In this case is pure uncertainty and confusion.

Another key factor is age, he is 23 and I'm 27. Not a huge difference but it does show in this kind of behavior, he's mature for many things, doesn't look at all like someone of his age, but he's certainly not mature enough to live a real relationship and face the hard times.

We never talked about getting back. Those words were never mentioned. We just started to talk, to catch up, and it was obvious there was love and attraction in the air. His actions showed he was still thinking of me with the texts, calls, and unexpected visits, but still was not enough to get back. He always said things like 'when we get back together' or 'I would not want you to find someone else, focus on the uni and work', WTF???

Today it was hard. I cried a while but it'll get better. I know. How about you?

July 5, 2010

Hey Kafkas,

I really admire you to have all these realizations and actually get them into your head. Ive had so many realizations since the break up, the only thing is that sometimes i deny it or i wont accept it Just like you, i try my best to think of qualities that i didnt like about him or anything like that, but it seems that even if i think of it, it wont do anything to me. I mean i would think "hes this hes that" but after a little while, im back to being "no, but hes the perfect guy...i accept that about him" so frustrating. Ugh! I guess the only time that i would really get that into my head is if i meet someone who is better than him then i can say, "wow im glad u broke up with me." i know its bad to compare but im sure almost everyone does as long as you dont let that affect you're new relationship.

So your ex hasnt tried contacting you ever since you started NC? How do you feel aout that? Judging by your post, it seems that you wont exactly be taking him back if he does want to come back. Im not sure if you've said it already, but may i ask the reason for your guys' break up? If you dont mind telling.

Hi Marigo. Hope you've enjoyed the long weekend! Thank you for the kind words but there is really nothing to admire. I've just had a bit more time than you have. I understand exactly how you feel - I felt that way not long ago and, sometimes, I still do. Basically, the more time goes by the less often you focus on how much you miss him. I told my ex not to contact me when he broke up with me and that I couldn't be his friend. Basically, we'd been together almost 5 years and he loved me more than anything. Last year he told everyone that he couldn't wait to marry me. Then we were about to move in together and he said we'd be engaged before summer was over... and right as we were about to start looking at apartments, he got really distant and then said he wanted to break up. Mutual friends that have seen him say he looks terrible but I don't know what to think. The only person I can control is myself.

I had a great weekend away but for some reason I miss him a lot now. See, it's a process... I haven't stopped missing him, it just happens much less often and lasts less time when it does. It'll get better and we're here for you

July 5, 2010

Hello everyone, how is it going?

July 5, 2010

Hey girls. How are you?
Thanks for posting again.
Kafkas, I tried to find that book but couldn’t. Although I found some pages from it and found it really interesting.
It’s true what you say about having good friends, I’m blessed on that one too, it’s incredibly helpful.
And just like you wrote, it’s about that fear, that uncertainty, that feeling of being all by yourself again, and the feeling that someone decided to give up on you. I guess from my side I can’t complain about my ex, he was perfect really, had his little flaws but he was awesome with me and that’s what hurts a lot, because I can’t understand how someone can quit and give up so easily after a couple of arguments!!!!!!!! Still blows my mind.
Marigo, yeah, I know he will contact sooner or later, perhaps in two days, or in a month, because every time I distance myself from him, he comes crawling back. There was one time I was not home and he called and he got mad thinking that I didn’t want to pick up the phone, so I don’t think the tactic of not responding would help if I ever want him to work things out. Every time we talk it’s great, there’s no tension or argument really. Even this week when I called him to wish him happy b-day he said something like ‘honey, you remembered. I’m happy to hear your voice darling’ and all sort of crap. WTF?????? But he then is not up to the challenge of working things with me and he risks losing me.
I get what you say about being emotional and that doesn’t help at all. Now, he’s been contacting someone else? what is that?
I’ve been flirting with a guy at work these past days, and it’s helping me a lot. But it still hurts to think that I’m meeting new people and moving on, I wish it wouldn’t be like this.
What are you doing this weekend?
Sup! how are you sweetheart?

Lull - which book? I can help you find it easily

And I hear you - just like you, why does the idea of moving on scare me? Do you think it's a fear that if they do come back, we'll have moved on and that entire relationship will, in fact be over from our end too?

I'm so frustrated by how much of a process this is... even if you're doing great, you have moments. GRRRRRR

July 6, 2010

Hello everyone, how is it going?

Hi Sup!! How are you? How was your weekend?

I'm doing fine. The week has started so I don't have much time to mourn and cry now! LOL!

Yeah, well, I had a tough weekend but it'll pass. I know.

I'm still flirting with the guy at work and it's really helping.

July 6, 2010

Lull - which book? I can help you find it easily

And I hear you - just like you, why does the idea of moving on scare me? Do you think it's a fear that if they do come back, we'll have moved on and that entire relationship will, in fact be over from our end too?

I'm so frustrated by how much of a process this is... even if you're doing great, you have moments. GRRRRRR

Kafkas! The book of "it's called a break up because it's broken". I'm from Argentina so my only option is to buy it online and I wanted to see if I could download it!

And yes. I do think it's the idea that I may be moving on and by the time he comes back ready to reconcile, I may not want it and the relationship will be finally over from my end too and it's scary, right?

I had a relationship of 5 years too before, but I was the dumper, although we had our serious conversations and he saw it coming. I struggled till the end and gave him a lot of options so it's not like my current break up where the moment a problem appeared he gave up and didn't think relationships are built with differences and tough moments. It's not always perfect!

It's a frustrating moment because time passes, you're still trying to find true love and TRUE AND REAL PEOPLE but you can't and you never seem to stop suffering

Edited July 6, 2010 by lullaby
spelling

July 6, 2010

Yeah, it probably was one of those moments when you have a small conversation with someone and it ends there. Don't trouble yourself. You can do that too with someone but you won't fall in love so easily with someone else, he won't either.

Right. He doesn't want to work on the relationship, but he still wants to know I'm there, not moving on! Because he appears now and then with some f*** excuse to see me or talk and it's not fair!!!
See why I'm confused? It's not that I know he's seeing someone, or that he doesn't love me, or I don't know... something more concrete. In this case is pure uncertainty and confusion.

Another key factor is age, he is 23 and I'm 27. Not a huge difference but it does show in this kind of behavior, he's mature for many things, doesn't look at all like someone of his age, but he's certainly not mature enough to live a real relationship and face the hard times.

We never talked about getting back. Those words were never mentioned. We just started to talk, to catch up, and it was obvious there was love and attraction in the air. His actions showed he was still thinking of me with the texts, calls, and unexpected visits, but still was not enough to get back. He always said things like 'when we get back together' or 'I would not want you to find someone else, focus on the uni and work', WTF???

Today it was hard. I cried a while but it'll get better. I know. How about you?

Hi Lull,

Sounds like you had a pretty rough weekend. Honestly, I did too. Cried the entire time. Maybe this is what staying at home does to us. It gives us more time to think about our sadness so we'd end up crying.

Things were pretty tough these days. One is being fourth of July, I knew id cry. I got used to him sending me videos of fireworks whenever he watches them with his family. He said that way, it's like im there with him. I knew he wouldnt do it this time because we're broken up, but i still couldnt help but get sad about it and cry. Also, I mightve mentioned to Kaskas about a yearly event coming up. I couldnt help it and searched it online and when that's going to be. I saw this itll be this weekend coming up and i am extremely sad. Not only am i not gonna be there but im scared that he'll invite someone else. Particularly that girl i was talking about. I dont know if he will. People are telling me that he probably wont because he doesnt seem to be the type of person to do that and he seems to genuinely still care about how i feel and he knows im gonna get hurt. But im extremely scared. I couldnt sleep at all this weekend thinking about it.

And your ex seems like he really doesnt know what he wants and is super confused. I think he needs to make a decision though. I truly think its unfair for you. It's like your stuck in the middle and cant completely go on and move on with your life because even you don't know what's going on. Of course, you know your ex better than anybody and I wouldnt tell you what to do. Ive heard people saying that it's better not too bring up getting back together coz it'll pressure the ex, and that would push him further away. But he needs to make a decision. He's making it harder for you. What are you planning to do?

July 6, 2010

Hi Marigo. Hope you've enjoyed the long weekend! Thank you for the kind words but there is really nothing to admire. I've just had a bit more time than you have. I understand exactly how you feel - I felt that way not long ago and, sometimes, I still do. Basically, the more time goes by the less often you focus on how much you miss him. I told my ex not to contact me when he broke up with me and that I couldn't be his friend. Basically, we'd been together almost 5 years and he loved me more than anything. Last year he told everyone that he couldn't wait to marry me. Then we were about to move in together and he said we'd be engaged before summer was over... and right as we were about to start looking at apartments, he got really distant and then said he wanted to break up. Mutual friends that have seen him say he looks terrible but I don't know what to think. The only person I can control is myself.

I had a great weekend away but for some reason I miss him a lot now. See, it's a process... I haven't stopped missing him, it just happens much less often and lasts less time when it does. It'll get better and we're here for you

Kafkas,

Thanks so much dear. I wish i was able to enjoy the long weekend but i spent my time crying and worrying. Im super scared about this coming weekend. That event i was telling you about, i found out it'll be this weekend and im scared about who he's gonna invite. I know i shouldnt care but i do. And itll kill me if its that girl he was talking to a lot on fb. Ugh!! I did research on some summer activities though such as dancing. Maybe thatll help get my mind off things.

Im glad you still had a great weekend despite missing him. Whenever you do miss him, do you still cry? I wanna get to the point where you are where you can miss him but it doesnt control your life anymore.

July 7, 2010

It was a rough weekend wasn't it guys? but know this, it wont be so bad next time around. You will get used to that numbness and that pain.

I had a couple of moments over the weekend. (I posted in another thread), however it was more confusion and frustration at still feeling like this after all this time. Of course the next day I felt better.

At the very least try to learn to say to yourself that tomorrow will be a new day.

Lull, I miss you sweetheart. How are you doing?

Sup.

July 7, 2010

It was a rough weekend wasn't it guys? but know this, it wont be so bad next time around. You will get used to that numbness and that pain.

I had a couple of moments over the weekend. (I posted in another thread), however it was more confusion and frustration at still feeling like this after all this time. Of course the next day I felt better.

At the very least try to learn to say to yourself that tomorrow will be a new day.

Lull, I miss you sweetheart. How are you doing?

Sup.

Hi sweety! I've just read your other post and it's exactly like that. It's like a frustration to feel 'my God, am I still mourning about this?' and it's not that you miss THAT person, it's the fact that you come home, alone, and there's no one to share your day with, right? I have that too and it's so sad at moments.

I miss you too.

I'm doing fine, just fine. I also have the feeling that even if there are guys I find attractive, are they boyfriend material? because I don't want to fool around anymore, I want to be in a committed relationship with someone.

Hope you're doing fine darling.

Lull

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