tojaz Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 Went out to see an old friends band play last night. She had been in touch with former soulmate and had gotten together with her once or twice. In describing their get together I was shocked at how my ex was described. It honestly didn't sound anything like the woman I had happily spent 14 years of my life with. I actually found myself defending her because most of it was pretty negative. Rude, selfish, egotistical. Looking down her nose at these people she was trying to be friends with. The heartbreaker came when I related the ex that I had known. Fun loving, caring, giving, grounded! I could not believe the shock I saw because my friend could not imagine it based on what she had seen. What a shame. Then my friend went on to tell me that the ex is terribly worried about what I'm telling people as if I was spending my days pounding pavement trying to defame her. (You guys are my witness, I spend my days here:laugh:) Nothing could be further from the truth as I haven't gone out of my way to tell anybody anything and those I have talked to, i have always given her the benefit of the doubt and kept her in a decent light. I found myself wanting to set the record straight and probably shared more then I should have, even though it was the truth. Makes me wonder now what SHE has been telling others,but I'm sure its not good. TOJAZ
habs53 Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 Yeah my ex thinks the same thing. Im always talking about her behind her back. Probaby the guilt coming out in them.
trippi1432 Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 Ick...that's what I say. For one, the behavior change....you knew that was going to happen, they all change into this person we never knew. I can understand it being shocking to hear, but it's par for the course. I tend to agree with habs53, she doesn't want to be seen in a bad light most likely due to guilt. Interesting that she is worried about it though, perhaps that might answer some other questions about her behavior as well?
Gunny376 Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 When we get married we're actually marrying three ~ potentially four different people. We're marrying the person we we think we're marrying. We're marrying the person we're actually are marrying. And then we're marrying the person that is going to come about of having been married to us. The fourth potential one is the one we meet in divorce court ~ post divorce ~ as in "I can't believe that's the same woman / man I've been married to all these years!"
habs53 Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 Ick...that's what I say. For one, the behavior change....you knew that was going to happen, they all change into this person we never knew. I can understand it being shocking to hear, but it's par for the course. I tend to agree with habs53, she doesn't want to be seen in a bad light most likely due to guilt. Interesting that she is worried about it though, perhaps that might answer some other questions about her behavior as well? Well, i certainly would feel guilty if i was them. I bet they are just as scared of there future as much as we are. Maybe more to some degree. Very defensive. I am beginning to believe that that the old person you knew is still there to a degree. They just dont see you as the same person and are also on the defensive. I know personally that when i talk nice to the ex, she talks nice as well. Problem is, its hard to do. I find they still like to be complimented but not too much. Makes them a bit uncomfortable. They are not use to hearing that from you in a while. All i can say is, i will not quit in this relationship yet. I will try my best in careful way to show her the old me. A supportive confident me. Something she has not seen in a while. The one she use to love. Its worth a shot.
trippi1432 Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 Well, i certainly would feel guilty if i was them. I bet they are just as scared of there future as much as we are. Maybe more to some degree. Very defensive. I am beginning to believe that that the old person you knew is still there to a degree. They just dont see you as the same person and are also on the defensive. I know personally that when i talk nice to the ex, she talks nice as well. Problem is, its hard to do. I find they still like to be complimented but not too much. Makes them a bit uncomfortable. They are not use to hearing that from you in a while. All i can say is, i will not quit in this relationship yet. I will try my best in careful way to show her the old me. A supportive confident me. Something she has not seen in a while. The one she use to love. Its worth a shot. Hi Habs, was this for the OP? Just wanted to make sure since you were quoting from my post....wasn't sure if you were addressing me or the OP.
habs53 Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 No, i was just adding more to the feeling guilty thing, then started to ramble on. Sorry for the confusion.
delajoonal Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 oh big bro.... this is SO TRUE...i think i mentioned something to you last week about seeing the 'real X' as he is now...and prolly always was... i am baffled everyday...still..OH YES, still...at what the HECK happened??? and trying to understand...WAS THIS THE MAN i was REALLY married to ALL those years??? anyway, my point...i get it..i understand..and yes, i know and EVERYONE here on LS knows...and ur friends and family KNOW...u have been AMAZING big bro...u have kept the XW in a 'special light' and NEVER have betrayed her honor or defamed her name in ANY way.. THAT, my friend u can hold close to u and KNOW in ur heart...u r doing th right thing....and IT is a HUGE Reminder that YOU did nothing wrong to begin with... your XW is the one that left..remember...she is carrying ALOT of guilt...and issues now... we will have to chat about this...cause i am going thru the same thing a year and a half later....my X just can't believe i have moved on and is NOW trying to destroy what happiness i have found and make my life miserable in every way he can....ack...long story..for another time.. this is about you... ok....we will talk...(FB?) always, dela:)
delajoonal Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 P.S. Gunny, as always, HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD with his post.... IT is SOOOOO true...we marry at least 4 dif people in that ONE person we think we know and love so much ...in the end....
wrencn Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 Or in my case, I married the man I wanted him to be- oh silly silly me. Now that I know who he really is, he's ready to move on so he can play super hero/ White knight for the next girl. Good riddance!
Author tojaz Posted June 20, 2010 Author Posted June 20, 2010 oh big bro.... this is SO TRUE...i think i mentioned something to you last week about seeing the 'real X' as he is now...and prolly always was... i am baffled everyday...still..OH YES, still...at what the HECK happened??? and trying to understand...WAS THIS THE MAN i was REALLY married to ALL those years??? anyway, my point...i get it..i understand..and yes, i know and EVERYONE here on LS knows...and ur friends and family KNOW...u have been AMAZING big bro...u have kept the XW in a 'special light' and NEVER have betrayed her honor or defamed her name in ANY way.. THAT, my friend u can hold close to u and KNOW in ur heart...u r doing th right thing....and IT is a HUGE Reminder that YOU did nothing wrong to begin with... your XW is the one that left..remember...she is carrying ALOT of guilt...and issues now... we will have to chat about this...cause i am going thru the same thing a year and a half later....my X just can't believe i have moved on and is NOW trying to destroy what happiness i have found and make my life miserable in every way he can....ack...long story..for another time.. this is about you... ok....we will talk...(FB?) always, dela:) Thanx for that Dela i appreciate it a lot. We can chat anytime you like, shoot me an Email or a message on FB anytime you like, I'm not hard to find. TOJAZ
trippi1432 Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 Or in my case, I married the man I wanted him to be- oh silly silly me. Now that I know who he really is, he's ready to move on so he can play super hero/ White knight for the next girl. Good riddance! Yeah....I can totally relate to that one.
Tea Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 TOJAZ, I'm so sorry for the heartbreak you went through but am optimistic for you. I read your story and I feel sorry for your exW. Note, I'm sad for you and what happened, but I do not feel sorry for YOU. I feel sorry for your wife because the internal struggles she had while in a relationship with you are not going to be resolved if she does not recognize what is important in life. So what? She did what she set off to do that you were "holding her back" from. Then what? In all reality she was probably already experiencing some successes and did not know how to handle it. I've read that success, such as promotions, are huge stressers in marriages. Who would guess?! Growing pains and how to grow together is hard, but not impossible. You have had the unique opportunity to reflect and have learned about yourself a little more. You went from living a routine life to being in touch with your feelings and being more sensitive to others. And her? Her identity and self worth is hinging on her accomplishments. Frankly, I like to identify myself on my life decisions. I want the ppl at my funeral to talk about the time I made them laugh so hard that they fell off their chair or about how I was always there for them, despite my busy schedule. I do not want people remembering me for that case I won or for my scholarly accomplishments. That's what I do, not who I am. Hang tough, TOJAZ. You've got integrity and character. You will find somebody who appreciates and admires that.
Author tojaz Posted June 21, 2010 Author Posted June 21, 2010 TOJAZ, I'm so sorry for the heartbreak you went through but am optimistic for you. I read your story and I feel sorry for your exW. Note, I'm sad for you and what happened, but I do not feel sorry for YOU. I feel sorry for your wife because the internal struggles she had while in a relationship with you are not going to be resolved if she does not recognize what is important in life. So what? She did what she set off to do that you were "holding her back" from. Then what? In all reality she was probably already experiencing some successes and did not know how to handle it. I've read that success, such as promotions, are huge stressers in marriages. Who would guess?! Growing pains and how to grow together is hard, but not impossible. You have had the unique opportunity to reflect and have learned about yourself a little more. You went from living a routine life to being in touch with your feelings and being more sensitive to others. And her? Her identity and self worth is hinging on her accomplishments. Frankly, I like to identify myself on my life decisions. I want the ppl at my funeral to talk about the time I made them laugh so hard that they fell off their chair or about how I was always there for them, despite my busy schedule. I do not want people remembering me for that case I won or for my scholarly accomplishments. That's what I do, not who I am. Hang tough, TOJAZ. You've got integrity and character. You will find somebody who appreciates and admires that. Wow Tea, I hadn't seen many posts from you until now, but you are a most welcome addition here! Thank you very much for the kind words, and i believe they are spot on! I feel very much the same way you do. I have always cared very little about my accomplishments and such. I have never cared how many letters come after a persons name or what title is on their door. I have always felt it more important to be remembered for what I was able to contribute to other peoples lives. Sadly she was not always like that, but I actually found a little peace in the fact that others could see that as well, and it wasn't only directed at me. Makes me feel a little less crazy. Always a good thing! TOJAZ
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 why are you defending her? she made her bed let her lie in it!!!
Tea Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 Wow Tea, I hadn't seen many posts from you until now, but you are a most welcome addition here! Thank you very much for the kind words, and i believe they are spot on! I feel very much the same way you do. I have always cared very little about my accomplishments and such. I have never cared how many letters come after a persons name or what title is on their door. I have always felt it more important to be remembered for what I was able to contribute to other peoples lives. Sadly she was not always like that, but I actually found a little peace in the fact that others could see that as well, and it wasn't only directed at me. Makes me feel a little less crazy. Always a good thing! TOJAZ Why, thank you! Yes, I've been a bit of a lurker since last year and I've learned so much at LS. I've mostly been lurking around the OW and Infidelity sections and really never felt like I had much to contribute. I also know that I could be a little rough around the edges so limit my posting Not, it was not you. You weren't stopping her from pursuing her dreams, she was just blaming you and once you were gone, she had no excuse. You were there for her and supportive of her. It's easy to take that for granted and forget that our SO are there during our struggles and successes, even if silently in the background. Now she MUST put up a front. Of course she is going to highlight how wonderful things are for her and brag about it. What is she going to say now "I was wrong, meaningful relationships are more important than mediocre connections at conferences"? You defend the thought of the woman you married. Nobody wants to know they married a selfish pretentious person. But, save your breath. All you need to say if prompted is that the person you knew was different that what is being described and, though you're not sure if she has changed, you're very sorry to hear that the person you met is gone. You don't have to defend her now. You don't know her anymore.
Author tojaz Posted June 23, 2010 Author Posted June 23, 2010 (edited) Why, thank you! Yes, I've been a bit of a lurker since last year and I've learned so much at LS. I've mostly been lurking around the OW and Infidelity sections and really never felt like I had much to contribute. I also know that I could be a little rough around the edges so limit my posting Not, it was not you. You weren't stopping her from pursuing her dreams, she was just blaming you and once you were gone, she had no excuse. You were there for her and supportive of her. It's easy to take that for granted and forget that our SO are there during our struggles and successes, even if silently in the background. Now she MUST put up a front. Of course she is going to highlight how wonderful things are for her and brag about it. What is she going to say now "I was wrong, meaningful relationships are more important than mediocre connections at conferences"? You defend the thought of the woman you married. Nobody wants to know they married a selfish pretentious person. But, save your breath. All you need to say if prompted is that the person you knew was different that what is being described and, though you're not sure if she has changed, you're very sorry to hear that the person you met is gone. You don't have to defend her now. You don't know her anymore. Good insight as always Tea. It is a welcome change to have someone so open with their experiences. How i wish she had been willing to stick it out and see things clearer, then again I wish i could have been more patient with her as well. TOJAZ Edited June 23, 2010 by tojaz
redpoppy Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 Hi Tojaz. From what i gather, you were very patient with her and the balance was always more one way than the other. You have nothing to reproach yourself for.....
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