Soronery Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 (edited) Why do I feel devastated at losing someone I love deeply due to a breakup? Is this guilt? Is it then suddenly having rose coloured glasses remembering all the good times? My 2.5 yr long relationship bit the dust tonight. I had been feeling for awhile inside of me that I could not continue on in the relationship. Yet I feel so devasted after I was asked and told to be honest and say what was on my mind. I then expressed my doubts about things relationship wise, and from then on got hammered into oblivion about how worthless I was, cruel, evil etc. This has led to a full blown seperation. There will not be any further contact, chances, second, third ..., this is it. I had felt this needed to happen at some point, but am utterly confused now that it has. I feel so worthless and lonely, just wanting to be with this person, hold them and know it's going to be ok. Yet whenever we have had problems, it's all good for awhile, then that little voice inside of you, the one that whispers doubts into your head, I knew in my heart this had to happen. OMG I hate myself right now. This situation just sucks. Edited June 20, 2010 by Soronery
robinhill Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 of course you are going to feel that way....you loved the person but you know you should not be with them....you have heard that voice many times...it is always scary to end it even scarier to have it ended for you. but those feelings will go away, and you will start to see the relationship more clearly and you will get your confidence back and wonder why you waited so long. We all have to trust that little voice in us. I know I hear that voice in my relationship every day....and being on this site is starting to give me the strength to walk away....it is always hard to let go to someone we loved...even when they are bad for us.
LivingInMomsBasement Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 I left my husband of 18 years last September. I do love him....but together we are toxic. We got into drugs, fighting, etc. I did what I needed to do for me....but I am racked with guilt as well. I am hoping it will get better. I want him to be happy.... Hang in there
Author Soronery Posted June 20, 2010 Author Posted June 20, 2010 (edited) of course you are going to feel that way....you loved the person but you know you should not be with them....you have heard that voice many times...it is always scary to end it even scarier to have it ended for you. but those feelings will go away, and you will start to see the relationship more clearly and you will get your confidence back and wonder why you waited so long. We all have to trust that little voice in us. I know I hear that voice in my relationship every day....and being on this site is starting to give me the strength to walk away....it is always hard to let go to someone we loved...even when they are bad for us. She wasn't a bad person or bad for me. In fact I am beyond devastated at losing her. To know the effort she put in, the sacrifices made on her part, I just want to kill myself I'm so distraught. But I knew I could not continue, I knew it was the right thing to do. That voice never stopped in my head. It would go away for awhile, but would always come back. I had everything to live for, a wonderful and loving partner yet I couldn't get past things in our relationship. For fear of hurting her further, I went against that voice, hoping I would silence it forever, but it wasn't the case. In fact the effort and love I felt from her, only made me try harder and wanting so much to believe we could make it happen. I'm so confused, but I do know that I have lost her for good regardless of how much I love her or want to try again. I left my husband of 18 years last September. I do love him....but together we are toxic. We got into drugs, fighting, etc. I did what I needed to do for me....but I am racked with guilt as well. I am hoping it will get better. I want him to be happy.... Hang in there She wasn't toxic for me, rather it was a case of in my heart I knew we were at different stages in our lives. I kept pushing that inner voice and feeling inside of me away, and trying to carry on, but time would come when I would feel that I could not and did not see us together. It was not because of her faults or my faults, or being bad for one another, rather the practicalities of our life, wants and longings. I'm so so sad I can't put it into words. I had hoped for a better discussion than we had tonight. I did not go into this feeling it was high time to end things. Rather it happened that way, and I guess that is the danger of truly being honest and open when your loved one asks you to speak your mind. I did, she freaked then got incessantly angry at me. I didn't get angry, but at that point it didn't matter what I said. She was furious and thus nothing I said got through. Now couple this with a recent medical condition she has developed because of the emotional toll of her love for me, her fears, insecurities concerning "us", plus some other things I won't go into at this point. Due to a few arguments in the past, she's had blackouts and even was in a coma for over a week due to low/high blood pressures etc. Now this coma thing happened when she was home with her family overseas. How do you think I felt knowing that I'm either going to be trapped in a situation where I could never express what I felt for fear I could trigger her health situation, but yet could not continue indefinitely knowing it was the wrong thing to do. She would get hurt either way. I was mortified feeling the things I did about how our future together was clouded and I couldn't see it happening as she did. Thus I simply focused on her and trying to help heal her rather than thinking of "us". But it became evident that without "us" she wouldn't ever get better. What way should I have turned. I felt hopeless, lost and bewildered. I felt so scared of what might happen. It was so serious the doctors even said her heart might stop beating unannounced at any moment. She loved me so much she nearly died for that love. Why can't I see how wonderful she is, how much she loved me, how much we could have had a life together. I've lost the most carrying loving person I've ever known and loved, and yet still my stupid self thinks it's the right thing to do? I hate myself with a passion. I don't deserve to live because I had what most people only dream of, yet couldn't see it and couldn't sustain the desire to live it out to the fullest. Please help me. Edited June 20, 2010 by Soronery
robaday Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 Hey, I can't say I know exactly what you are going through, but if it helps I felt immense guilt at breaking up with my last gf back in Feb. She was completely bessoted with me, did everything for me, was beautiful, but I just wasn't ready for the kind of relationship she wanted-she was trying to move things to a more serious level, and I wanted more space and to slow things down. I still feel pretty bad about the whole thing-at another time in my life, I think I could have seen myself with her for a long time. I felt really low about the whole thing for a long long time-wondering if there was anyway I could have made it work, wondering whether I should reach out, wondering why I had to repeatedly hurt someone who loved me. BUT, I had doubts the whole time I saw her, and felt, as I wasn't in love with her after 7 months it would have been unfair on both of us to carry on-I liked her, cared about her, and was immensely attracted to her and we had a great deal in common. But I had a strongly negative gut feeling the whole time I was seeing her-I have no idea what it was. It sounds like you did the right thing. I know I did, although am very angry at myself for the way I handled it by dragging it out for her-I'd still to this day like to take away any pain I caused her, but I won't get with anyone until I am 100% happy in myself and ready for a serious relationship
sunshine222 Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 I divorced my wife of 5 years back in late 2008, almost 2 years ago. At that time it felt the right thing to do. I loved her and we were very compatible but there was a voice in my head right from when we got married that we were not right for each other. Without going into too much detail all I can say is that I wanted more out of life. She was married before, had kids and was older than me. These are not the reasons I divorced her but there were other irreconcilable differences. It was not her fault and neither was it mine. I could not muster up the courage for so long to let her go. I finally did and I felt ok for a while. We remained friends for more than a year. Then I realized that this friendship was giving her false hope. So I went NC although she kept calling and emailing. I have just now realized what I actually did and feel very sad and depressed to the point of being non-functional. I cry a lot but when I think about it the same voice comes back to me and tell me that I did the right thing. That it will hurt but I still did the right thing for me. Believe me when I say it hurts it really does. But from all the people I have shared my sad story with they all agree that I should go NC. And that is what I am doing. A few days ago she emailed at my work and asked me if I can just have coffee with her and she has no other expectations. I cannot muster up the courage to go sit and talk to her because I know it might feel good for a couple of hours but I will pay the price for it later on. It happened to me before that's why I decided to tell her that I am not ready to see her at this point. Maybe later on some day when I feel confident enough that I will be OK I can call her and catch up. I would say to you that it is going to hurt like a bitch but you should go NC and let your emotions out. Don't pretend that you are OK. Just feel your emotions and if it makes you cry then cry. Yes, it will take time. That's what everyone tells me too. People make mistakes or not, but stay in the present and take one day at a time. Don't feel like you are alone. This has happened to a lot of people and time heals it.
LoveTruthChaos Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 Can I just say to all of you guys - reading this thread has made me cry. You are all such lovely, well worded men. You will be okay, we all will. If my ex-boy had even half the beautiful words that you all have, I wouldn't be feeling like s**t right now. I wish that he had have said such nice things to me at the point of breakup. I really do. Anything that would have made me feel appreciated, even for a second... *sigh*
Author Soronery Posted June 21, 2010 Author Posted June 21, 2010 Can I just say to all of you guys - reading this thread has made me cry. You are all such lovely, well worded men. You will be okay, we all will. If my ex-boy had even half the beautiful words that you all have, I wouldn't be feeling like s**t right now. I wish that he had have said such nice things to me at the point of breakup. I really do. Anything that would have made me feel appreciated, even for a second... *sigh* It's damn near impossible to have a breakup conversation where you are able to get through to your loved one those feelings of still loving them. The shock, fear and resentment simply takes over and you cannot from my experience even get through to the other person to say those kind things. Thus everything you say just get's hammered, turned around or being told you're not sincere. I wish I had any effect when I was saying those loving things, but even when I tried I got shot down heavily and called the worst person possible, only thinking of myself etc.
Author Soronery Posted June 21, 2010 Author Posted June 21, 2010 Oh Lord, what have I done. I'm so sad thinking how miserable and devasted my loved on is. Every fibre of me wants to reach out and comfort her, to try and help her get through this. Then remembering the great moments, and how much I love her I'm struck with doubt and despair. I know I'll get over this and the pain will subside, but I can't stop feeling like even though I knew and in some ways wanted to part, that I have made a huge mistake.
sunnydaysahead123 Posted June 25, 2010 Posted June 25, 2010 Soronery - your post really touched a nerve for me. I know its hard and really painful, sometimes even more so for the person doing the break up b/c a decision was involved and there are always doubts. how are you holding up? whats been happening w/ your situation? if I can say anything from your post, I think her reaction may have shown the type of person she is and maybe your instincts were right.
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