Silly_Girl Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 My brain is no longer in shock that things didn't work out, I no longer obsess (very much ) about what he's doing and where he is and how he is, I no longer think about the plans we had made together and wonder how on earth he could have chosen a path away from those (suspect he was so concerned about the practical 'leaving his wife' bit he never really contemplated an ultimatum was exactly that, think he never realised it meant being without me, full stop ). So now it's HIM. Him I miss. In my gut and in my heart. I don't miss my phone going off with texts all day, or the funny little emails, it's not the 'things' and events and habits now, though the lack of those made it doubly hard to accept in the beginning. I'm trying to welcome each stage, as a growing experience. I definitely think this analysis is positive because I've never allowed myself time to do it before in my adult life; everyone else's stuff was always priority. What I am uncomfortable with is rather than seeing the relationship as being something less, as time passes, as less significant and less important; the opposite has happened. I'm realising how bl**dy massive it was, in my life, and why. I'm trying to take good things from those thoughts, to help shape the decisions I make in the future. But it hurts so much. About fifty thousand times (I sometimes exaggerate ) in the last twenty-four hours I've wanted to pick my phone up and text him. And every time that urge happens it's painful and I feel so sad. During the relationship I felt as though we were together 24/7 and the physical distance never felt like distance at all. And now there IS distance and we will soon be strangers, and I know it's all the for the best, and that it has to be this way, and that I should have left things after I first broke them off because I was getting in too deep... I 'know' a lot of stuff, but it doesn't change how I feel. I still love him and though he's treated me poorly, and his wife worse, I still see him as that good, kind, funny, intelligent, hard-working person deserving of so much more in life, and I know how my heart used to feel like it would burst when we were together and the simplest of little things felt like winning the lottery. :love: My friends all tell me I will find someone better, single-r, closer etc etc. And I do believe them, but my head's not in that place right now. And it's okay, I need to give it time, but at the moment I feel as though I'll never get over him. Maybe it's because of how it ended. Ah, I'll get there. I just wanted to write something because I've barely shed a tear for ages and today's been like Snot City, as though it just happened all over again.
White Dove Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 My friends all tell me I will find someone better, single-r, closer etc etc. And I do believe them, but my head's not in that place right now. And it's okay, I need to give it time, but at the moment I feel as though I'll never get over him. Maybe it's because of how it ended. Ah, I'll get there. I just wanted to write something because I've barely shed a tear for ages and today's been like Snot City, as though it just happened all over again. Your friends are right. Take all the time you need to grieve over your loss. You may feel as if you will never get over him but you will. The human heart heals.
Author Silly_Girl Posted June 20, 2010 Author Posted June 20, 2010 Thank you, White Dove. Even posting helped. I had been bottling it up and once I'd written it down I closed my laptop and went and did something much more constructive. I am finding it hard because I know us being apart has always been so incredibly painful for us both, and to know he is struggling just makes me question even more why we aren't together now, today, right this minute. It would all be so simple were I in his shoes... But - I stayed with a violent cheat and wasn't ready to leave him until I was ready to leave him. I've just never had to say goodbye to someone I wasn't ready to say goodbye to before (save for family members who passed away). I have been through much more traumatic things, but they were different; different in the responses they provoke mentally, emotionally, physically. This feeling of loss, in this vein, is new to me and I guess, as long as I don't wallow, I'll just have to be patient and wait for it to pass.
MizFit Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 Thank you, White Dove. Even posting helped. I had been bottling it up and once I'd written it down I closed my laptop and went and did something much more constructive. I am finding it hard because I know us being apart has always been so incredibly painful for us both, and to know he is struggling just makes me question even more why we aren't together now, today, right this minute. It would all be so simple were I in his shoes... But - I stayed with a violent cheat and wasn't ready to leave him until I was ready to leave him. I've just never had to say goodbye to someone I wasn't ready to say goodbye to before (save for family members who passed away). I have been through much more traumatic things, but they were different; different in the responses they provoke mentally, emotionally, physically. This feeling of loss, in this vein, is new to me and I guess, as long as I don't wallow, I'll just have to be patient and wait for it to pass. You'll get there SG...stay strong and you will be fine. It is so hard to say goodbye until you're ready to say it...it almost feels like there is unfinished business and you know you won't have the chance to take care of it. Keep writing! We're all here for you...
LostMe Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 I'm sorry for your hurt. I remember this phase, and I promise you it is just a phase. It really does just take time. I didn't realise that I've passed this phase until I read your post. I still think about him far more than is healthy, but I don't feel the loss as much anymore. Though there is still the odd bad day. But with every hour, every day, every week that passes I know I am healing even though it doesn't always feel that way. You'll be ok x
MorningCoffee Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 I've just never had to say goodbye to someone I wasn't ready to say goodbye to before (save for family members who passed away). I have been through much more traumatic things, but they were different; different in the responses they provoke mentally, emotionally, physically. This feeling of loss, in this vein, is new to me and I guess, as long as I don't wallow, I'll just have to be patient and wait for it to pass. SG, may I share something I have learned? Hard to believe, but even the grief after my W died was more straightforwardly processed and healed than the pain and grief of loss after my A ended have been. What I have just started to recognize, though, is that this loss and pain have more to do with what is inside me, and what my needs are, than the outside reality of losing the relationship with my MW/AP. Without going into TMI, one reason my bond with my MW/AP was so strong (I now know) was that she met needs in me that I had been unaware of and had suppressed for years prior. So when MW/AP was gone, I was shattered, annihilated, devastated. Why? That depth of grief came from a different source than the grief of losing my W. I am now three months post-ending of A, and with a lot of reflection, journalling, and counselling, I have just started to see these things. It does not change the love I felt and still feel for MW/AP, but it does give me a road map to follow on the path to my own healing and a better future. The process is full of tough days. Just had one Friday. But they do get fewer and further apart, and the insights to be gained by really working on it I feel will be worth it. I guess I am trying to say that I recognize what you mean, when you say this loss feels different, but also to say that IMO merely letting time pass would not have led me to see why. Best to you.
Author Silly_Girl Posted June 20, 2010 Author Posted June 20, 2010 Thank you Mizfit and LostMe, it really does help, a few kind words and knowing there's somewhere to come back to and let things out. Thanks for sharing MorningCoffee. Your post is very true. This relationship rocked my world, long before the break-up and I have already started counselling. The split, and my strength of feeling towards this man (and not towards men I was previously with) led me to really think about me, my needs, and my behaviour in other relationships. There's another thread I have, but yes, I am trying very hard to use this as a way to find peace for some old 'stuff', but also to better understand what I need in my life, from and for myself, and from another person when the day comes that I feel ready to be with someone else. It's so very hard isn't it? But I have faith that the effort and the pain will be worth it in the longer run. So sorry to hear you had a bad day Friday, I hope you are feeling very much better. And it's reassuring for me to know that how I feel is not unusual. I think I tried to tell myself I was being silly, overegging what had happened, I tried to diminish the relevance and impact of it, to save myself pain I assume. I tried to berate myself in to believing it didn't mean anything, but I accept that wasn't the case. Thanks MC.
White Dove Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 Thank you, White Dove. Even posting helped. I had been bottling it up and once I'd written it down I closed my laptop and went and did something much more constructive. I am finding it hard because I know us being apart has always been so incredibly painful for us both, and to know he is struggling just makes me question even more why we aren't together now, today, right this minute. It would all be so simple were I in his shoes... But - I stayed with a violent cheat and wasn't ready to leave him until I was ready to leave him. I've just never had to say goodbye to someone I wasn't ready to say goodbye to before (save for family members who passed away). I have been through much more traumatic things, but they were different; different in the responses they provoke mentally, emotionally, physically. This feeling of loss, in this vein, is new to me and I guess, as long as I don't wallow, I'll just have to be patient and wait for it to pass. I understand, I truly do Losing a loved one like you did is never easy to get over but that's not to say you won't. I hate to anyone in pain like this and from the bottom of my heart, I hope you will heal sooner rather later because you deserve so much more. Keep posting, Silly Girl.
MorningCoffee Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 Thanks for sharing MorningCoffee. . . . So sorry to hear you had a bad day Friday, I hope you are feeling very much better. Glad I could offer something useful out of all this pain. Thank you re Friday -- an "anniversary" of events that were huge in my relationship with my MW/AP, and so feelings were particularly acute. Much better now, thank you. Keep up the good work, SG.
fooled once Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 My brain is no longer in shock that things didn't work out, I no longer obsess (very much ) about what he's doing and where he is and how he is, I no longer think about the plans we had made together and wonder how on earth he could have chosen a path away from those (suspect he was so concerned about the practical 'leaving his wife' bit he never really contemplated an ultimatum was exactly that, think he never realised it meant being without me, full stop ). So now it's HIM. Him I miss. In my gut and in my heart. I don't miss my phone going off with texts all day, or the funny little emails, it's not the 'things' and events and habits now, though the lack of those made it doubly hard to accept in the beginning. I'm trying to welcome each stage, as a growing experience. I definitely think this analysis is positive because I've never allowed myself time to do it before in my adult life; everyone else's stuff was always priority. What I am uncomfortable with is rather than seeing the relationship as being something less, as time passes, as less significant and less important; the opposite has happened. I'm realising how bl**dy massive it was, in my life, and why. I'm trying to take good things from those thoughts, to help shape the decisions I make in the future. But it hurts so much. About fifty thousand times (I sometimes exaggerate ) in the last twenty-four hours I've wanted to pick my phone up and text him. And every time that urge happens it's painful and I feel so sad. During the relationship I felt as though we were together 24/7 and the physical distance never felt like distance at all. And now there IS distance and we will soon be strangers, and I know it's all the for the best, and that it has to be this way, and that I should have left things after I first broke them off because I was getting in too deep... I 'know' a lot of stuff, but it doesn't change how I feel. I still love him and though he's treated me poorly, and his wife worse, I still see him as that good, kind, funny, intelligent, hard-working person deserving of so much more in life, and I know how my heart used to feel like it would burst when we were together and the simplest of little things felt like winning the lottery. :love: My friends all tell me I will find someone better, single-r, closer etc etc. And I do believe them, but my head's not in that place right now. And it's okay, I need to give it time, but at the moment I feel as though I'll never get over him. Maybe it's because of how it ended. Ah, I'll get there. I just wanted to write something because I've barely shed a tear for ages and today's been like Snot City, as though it just happened all over again. ((((silly)))) I will admit, your last line made me laugh...don't you hate those days you can't get your emotions under control? ((hug)) You are getting through it all, one day at a time. Keep going forward and congrats to NOT calling him or texting him. one step at a time, even if it is a baby step, is moving forward and not backward.
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