cuddlekeeper Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 Are there other OWs out there in the same position as I am? I love my MM but I know that he will never leave his wife. I didn't know that he was married for the first 18 months, I asked him 3 times and he always replied "No". Then I found out he was married and we have been together for over 3 and half years now. I love him but I dont know how he feels about me and I never will. I dont want to marry him and I dont want to live with him (I know I could never trust him). I am divorced and was married for 20 years to a selfish man that only ever thought of himself and told me I was worthless all the time. Now I have the best time I have ever had. We go on holidays together, we got out together fairly often and I usually arrange when I want to see him (he is the best I have ever been with). Please tell me if anyone has the same sort of relationship and how long it (has) lasted?
White Dove Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 There is a lot of them in the same boat as you, if not similar. From reading some of the threads, I can see that there are those that left the affair knowing that the MM will not leave his M and some of them are coping remarkably well. Then, there is a few that stay and is just fine with being the OW. There are also those who stay in hopes that the MM will leave one fine day. At the end of the day, it all depends on what you and your heart can take.
MizFit Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 There is a lot of them in the same boat as you, if not similar. From reading some of the threads, I can see that there are those that left the affair knowing that the MM will not leave his M and some of them are coping remarkably well. Then, there is a few that stay and is just fine with being the OW. There are also those who stay in hopes that the MM will leave one fine day. At the end of the day, it all depends on what you and your heart can take. You are so right. My MM will never leave and we've always discussed it...at times when I started falling for him I wished he would lie to me. He never did though...I've accepted what it is and in all fairness I've managed to build a life and make sure he is not the be all and end all. He is a small portion of the whole and will be until one or the other of us decides he won't be. We've had 3 ddays so I am kind of figuring she won't decide it for him. It was very difficult to accept it, truly accept it. There have been so many bumps along the way, but the thought is I'd rather have him in my life to this degree than to not be there at all. It's not easy and I wouldn't advise it, but it was the situation I was in and I had to make some tough decisions. Do I regret it-no...would I do it with anyone else-I don't beleive so.
cavedweller Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 I will never understand why some women would want to have an affair with a lying, cheating, sneaky married man when there are so many single men out there. cavedweller
White Dove Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 I will never understand why some women would want to have an affair with a lying, cheating, sneaky married man when there are so many single men out there. cavedweller It's okay because I will never understand why some people feel the need to post anything like the above when someone's hurting.
Silly_Girl Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 It's okay because I will never understand why some people feel the need to post anything like the above when someone's hurting. ^^^ Favourite post ever. Hi Cuddlekeeper, I can't really speak from experience because I found it impossible to be the other woman, after being there for a few months, due to my strength of feeling and my own basic instincts as to what a relationship can/should be. I'm just curious as to whether you have had the opportunity to date away from your MM, and whether you've dated enough to feel sure that he and he alone is the only person who can make you feel this way and give you this level of happiness? I found it very odd that you said "I love him but I dont know how he feels about me and I never will", I thought that loving someone also meant there would naturally be exchanges about feelings and the relationship itself. Have you never had that between you? I'm sorry if I've misunderstood something...
MizFit Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 I will never understand why some women would want to have an affair with a lying, cheating, sneaky married man when there are so many single men out there. cavedweller Are you truly ignorant enough to say something to someone who is coming here looking for a bit of help or are you single and that was just the worlds worst chat up line?
BB07 Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 Are you truly ignorant enough to say something to someone who is coming here looking for a bit of help or are you single and that was just the worlds worst chat up line? I've coined a new phase for posters such as cavedweller. They are "hit and run". It's a waste of time to read what they write and it's a waste of time for them to write their little one sentence insults.
MizFit Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 I've coined a new phase for posters such as cavedweller. They are "hit and run". It's a waste of time to read what they write and it's a waste of time for them to write their little one sentence insults. I like that and you are so right! It just infuriates me...the first few posts on here, no matter what your status in an A, are hard enough without something like that being put out there.
NoIDidn't Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 I've coined a new phase for posters such as cavedweller. They are "hit and run". It's a waste of time to read what they write and it's a waste of time for them to write their little one sentence insults. Hey, you stole "hit-and-run" from me!!! I stole it from someone else. LOL.
BB07 Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 Hey, you stole "hit-and-run" from me!!! I stole it from someone else. LOL. Opps........maybe it should just be a HUGE sticky as in a warning.........there are posters who come in and do a "hit and run", expect it and be prepared for it.
Mombot Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 I have been in this A a little over 2 years... I enjoy his company and the vacations and dinners and endless talking on the phone, and yes, he didn't tell me he was only separated until recently. Will he ever finalize? Don't know, I have my own life and he's like a passing star I think. Bright and white hot and probably not to keep.
SidLyon Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 Hey, you stole "hit-and-run" from me!!! I stole it from someone else. LOL. I thought they were called seagulls. As in they fly over and poop in your fish and chips as they pass.
whichwayisup Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 I didn't know that he was married for the first 18 months, I asked him 3 times and he always replied "No". Then I found out he was married and we have been together for over 3 and half years now Can I ask why you chose to continue the A with him once you found out he was married and LIED to you knowingly for 18 months? For those months you thought you were in an honest relationship, he was your boyfriend. Then you find out he's married, lied to you, (did he give you a reason as to why he hid that information from you?) and now you're the OW. It's one thing to enter an affair knowing that the person is married. It's another when you're lied to and the truth is hidden from you.. And, it's another when you find out the truth and still continue on with him.. Knowing now he's married and isn't leaving his wife. You deserve a man who will not lie to you and hide you. Someone who can love you and not be hidden and not be 2nd fiddle.
Author cuddlekeeper Posted June 22, 2010 Author Posted June 22, 2010 Thank u all for your kind reponses. Hi Silly Girl and whichwayis Yes I have dated others. My Ex was my first and was a very selfish man. I dated for 2 1/2 years after I left him before I came across my MM. I even dated a few others when I was dating my MM (I didn't know then) and a couple since I have known too. The main problem is they are like my Ex and want to take over my life. I have a life other than my MM and he spends alot of time with his children and grandchildren. Why did I still carry on after I found out he was married...because I love him - has anyone ever left someone they love - it is hard enough when you dont love them anymore. As for the emotion part of it...he has trouble showing emotions, he says that he has not hugged or kissed his wife in years and she does not like it and my Ex never really told me he loved me either (should have rung warning bells there). I know this is true because his son and my best friend's son were best friends at school and she has confirmed alot of what he has told me about his and his wive's marriage. My family and alot of my friends know now that he is married and they all accept him. He cant accept that they know and feels quite embarrassed. I dont know how long it will last but like Mizfit - "thought is I'd rather have him in my life to this degree than to not be there at all. It's not easy and I wouldn't advise it, but it was the situation I was in and I had to make some tough decisions. Do I regret it-no...would I do it with anyone else-I don't beleive so."
Author cuddlekeeper Posted June 22, 2010 Author Posted June 22, 2010 Dear Cavedweller I cant work out if you are a MW whose husband has or is in an A or if you have been hurt by a MM who made u an OW. Whichever it is, instead of your 'hit and run' post why dont you tell us why you feel this way? Also all the married women out there whose husband is having an A can they tell me why they stay when they find out about the A or if an A is going on for years how do they not know about it or do they rather turn a blind eye and not think about it? Just interested to know the other side of the story...every story has two sides....
SidLyon Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 Dear Cavedweller I cant work out if you are a MW whose husband has or is in an A or if you have been hurt by a MM who made u an OW. Whichever it is, instead of your 'hit and run' post why dont you tell us why you feel this way? Also all the married women out there whose husband is having an A can they tell me why they stay when they find out about the A or if an A is going on for years how do they not know about it or do they rather turn a blind eye and not think about it? Just interested to know the other side of the story...every story has two sides.... I'm married woman whose husband had an affair that went on for a few years. I had no idea until d-day nearly 2 years ago. The answer to your question about why I didn't know about it is that he went to enormous lengths to hide it form me. The affair was conducted almost entirely during their lunchtimes and other occasions when he had a good reason to be away from home. Somehow I think it's mainly a myth that women turn a blind eye. In any case I can't think of any Loveshack posters who are turning a blind eye. Finding out about the affair on d-day was utterly devastating and destabilizing to me but I knew one thing and that was that I was not willing to "share". I often think this is one of the major differences between OWs and many wives. The OWs are willing to share but the wives not usually. I was willing to give him and our marriage another chance but only if I didn't have to share him. This was difficult enough in itself as our society does put a lot of pressure on BWs not to stay with a cheater (I live in a more secular country than the USA so there is not nearly so much religious pressure to do one's marital duty come what may). My H was therefore in the lucky(?) position of having a choice whether to stay married to me. He chose that and that meant ending it with the OW. Because neither he nor I wanted the old marriage back we are rebuilding a new marriage. It's been quite a rewarding thing and fortunately we already had the nice house and gorgeous children.
Author cuddlekeeper Posted June 22, 2010 Author Posted June 22, 2010 Thank you SidLyon...I wish you best wishes for a very happy future together and hope others can share their stories to help us all to try to understand both sides of the story. We think one thing and the truth is usually so far off....
bittersweet memories Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 Thank u all for your kind reponses. Hi Silly Girl and whichwayis Yes I have dated others. My Ex was my first and was a very selfish man. I dated for 2 1/2 years after I left him before I came across my MM. I even dated a few others when I was dating my MM (I didn't know then) and a couple since I have known too. The main problem is they are like my Ex and want to take over my life. I have a life other than my MM and he spends alot of time with his children and grandchildren. Why did I still carry on after I found out he was married...because I love him - has anyone ever left someone they love - it is hard enough when you dont love them anymore. As for the emotion part of it...he has trouble showing emotions, he says that he has not hugged or kissed his wife in years and she does not like it and my Ex never really told me he loved me either (should have rung warning bells there). I know this is true because his son and my best friend's son were best friends at school and she has confirmed alot of what he has told me about his and his wive's marriage. My family and alot of my friends know now that he is married and they all accept him. He cant accept that they know and feels quite embarrassed. I dont know how long it will last but like Mizfit - "thought is I'd rather have him in my life to this degree than to not be there at all. It's not easy and I wouldn't advise it, but it was the situation I was in and I had to make some tough decisions. Do I regret it-no...would I do it with anyone else-I don't beleive so." Sounds like your MM and ex have alot in common...
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 Relationships like this one: where you let him set the pace, and don't ask for anything in return can last indefinitely - or at least until one or both of you gets tired of the relationship (or he gets caught and put in a situation where he has no choice but to leave you). He may not express much emotion, but it may well be that just like you, he wants the 'best' part of the relationship and for him that probably means doing all the 'fun stuff' without sticky emotional talk or obligations. It sounds like he is doing what you are doing: simply enjoying it for what it is and living in the moments.
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