Thornton Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 I have a new boyfriend, and it's prompted me to think very deeply about my approach to relationships. I could really use some advice I'm a very quiet and shy person. In my youth I was somewhat isolated (a dork at school, no real friends); eventually I found a boyfriend who I thought I loved, but he dumped me after a few months. It left me with this sort of "Please love me!" mentality whereby I would get into a relationship with anyone who showed me some attention, even if I wasn't really attracted to them, because I was afraid to be alone. I often found myself in passionless relationships with someone who was more like a friend. I was well into my twenties before I learned to feel comfortable being alone. I realised that for a relationship to last I needed to actually be interested in and attracted to the other person, so I stopped accepting dates from guys who I just didn't feel excited about. This felt like a major step forward. I waited, and eventually someone who I was genuinely interested in came along I guess I suffer a little from low self esteem, and I'm finding this new relationship kind of nerve racking because I wanted someone like him for so long, and now he's here and I'm afraid of being left alone again. I want him to be in love with me, because it would make me feel more secure, but although we've been dating for a few months he still maintains that he likes me but isn't in love yet. I find this confusing, because I equate "not in love" with "don't care about" and "might dump", but maybe I have a skewed view of things? Can someone genuinely care about you and still not say they love you? He'll happily say that he really likes me and wants to stay with me; he's done so many kind and romantic things for me, and really made a huge effort to spend time with me. I don't understand how he can act so loving and still not be able to say he loves me. From talking to him I gathered that he feels a certain self protective instinct because he's been hurt before, but I don't know if he's emotionally unavailable or if I'm just being overly demanding. He seems to find my feelings for him a little scary because he doesn't feel able to reciprocate; I find that worrying because in my mind that lack of reciprocation equates to disinterest. So this is the point I'm at now. I don't know whether I'm just needy and insecure and wanting him to love me too soon, or whether he's the one at fault because his words don't match his actions and that makes me feel insecure and confused. I will admit that I tend to fall in love very quickly, so maybe I'm just expecting too much from him. If I'm the one at fault, obviously I need to fix things in my brain somehow. I'd really appreciate any helpful thoughts or advice that anyone might have to offer.
that girl Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 Very long post but you never say how long you've been together.
Author Thornton Posted June 20, 2010 Author Posted June 20, 2010 I said we've been dating for a few months - around 3-4 months. That seems like quite a while to me, cause my longest relationships were like 8-9 months.
that girl Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 3-4 months isn't that long. I wouldn't wait a year, but it isn't a terrible sign that he hasn't said it yet. But more importantly, no one is at fault. No one should say I love you if they don't mean it.
Author Thornton Posted June 20, 2010 Author Posted June 20, 2010 I just find it difficult to understand how someone can spend so much time with you, and do romantic things, and say they want to stay with you, and tell you how perfect you are, but not think they love you. I don't get how someone can say they're emotionally involved with someone else, but not feel love. It seems to me like maybe his idea of love is more serious than mine. His idea of love seems more like commitment, like saying "I'd seriously marry you" or something. My idea of love is simply emotional connection and trust, and a desire to stay with that person and have a relationship.
Morals Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 People throw around the phrase "I love you" without really meaning it these days. Be happy you have found someone so honest with their emotions. Rather then saying I love you and not mean it, he is waiting to say it when he truly means it. It takes time, months ...maybe even a year for some people to say those fateful words. And lastly, let's not forget that most guys are conditioned to not say I love you first, simply because it's been known to scare off women.
harmfulsweetz Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 I have a new boyfriend, and it's prompted me to think very deeply about my approach to relationships. I could really use some advice I'm a very quiet and shy person. In my youth I was somewhat isolated (a dork at school, no real friends); eventually I found a boyfriend who I thought I loved, but he dumped me after a few months. It left me with this sort of "Please love me!" mentality whereby I would get into a relationship with anyone who showed me some attention, even if I wasn't really attracted to them, because I was afraid to be alone. I often found myself in passionless relationships with someone who was more like a friend. I was well into my twenties before I learned to feel comfortable being alone. I realised that for a relationship to last I needed to actually be interested in and attracted to the other person, so I stopped accepting dates from guys who I just didn't feel excited about. This felt like a major step forward. I waited, and eventually someone who I was genuinely interested in came along I guess I suffer a little from low self esteem, and I'm finding this new relationship kind of nerve racking because I wanted someone like him for so long, and now he's here and I'm afraid of being left alone again. I want him to be in love with me, because it would make me feel more secure, but although we've been dating for a few months he still maintains that he likes me but isn't in love yet. I find this confusing, because I equate "not in love" with "don't care about" and "might dump", but maybe I have a skewed view of things? Can someone genuinely care about you and still not say they love you? He'll happily say that he really likes me and wants to stay with me; he's done so many kind and romantic things for me, and really made a huge effort to spend time with me. I don't understand how he can act so loving and still not be able to say he loves me. From talking to him I gathered that he feels a certain self protective instinct because he's been hurt before, but I don't know if he's emotionally unavailable or if I'm just being overly demanding. He seems to find my feelings for him a little scary because he doesn't feel able to reciprocate; I find that worrying because in my mind that lack of reciprocation equates to disinterest. So this is the point I'm at now. I don't know whether I'm just needy and insecure and wanting him to love me too soon, or whether he's the one at fault because his words don't match his actions and that makes me feel insecure and confused. I will admit that I tend to fall in love very quickly, so maybe I'm just expecting too much from him. If I'm the one at fault, obviously I need to fix things in my brain somehow. I'd really appreciate any helpful thoughts or advice that anyone might have to offer. The biggest thing I've picked up on your posts is that you seem more scared of being left alone than you do of losing him. Is that a possibility here? Do you think you could have co-dependency issues? I'm not a psychologist and this is just what I've gained from your post, but it certainly seems you do not want to be left alone-and you think him not telling you he loves you right away is a sign that he will leave you. Stop putting negative connotations on things that are not negative-he's moving at his own pace with this and 'not in love' does not mean 'I don't care'. I bet he does care about you, otherwise he wouldn't be with you. Most people take a while to say the words, and the words essentially aren't important, it's the actions. You say he makes effort to spend time with you, does nice things for you, is loving and all that good stuff-why isn't that enough for you? People say 'I love you' all the time and don't ever show it, or even mean it, it's a blessing when someone shows it and doesn't have to say it in words, it's all there in their actions. 3-4 months isn't that long, in my last LTR, (of 3 years) I think I waited around six months. He said he knew he loved me two months in, but didn't want to say it until he was completely sure. He didn't want to lead me on. I think you just need to chill out here, relax, go with the flow, and don't expect him to be at where you're at. No one is at fault, it seems that you're just at different stages and thus, expect different things from each other.
Author Thornton Posted June 20, 2010 Author Posted June 20, 2010 To me, "not in love" does mean "I don't care", or more to the point, it means "I'm just using you for sex" (which has happened to me before). I'm trying to alter this way of thinking, but I'm not sure I understand how people such as my boyfriend see love. To me, love is this heady mix of attraction and friendship, genuinely caring about someone and desiring to stay with them - to him, it seems to be something more serious and permanent. I have a great fear of abandonment and being left alone, and in general I'm a very lonely person. I think it comes from being rejected by other kids in my youth, not having close adult friendships (I only have acquaintances, no close friends), and being very painfully rejected in relationships when men have lied, cheated and dumped me. When I care about someone, I immediately feel insecure, and I want reassurance that they won't leave me. I guess in my mind, if someone doesn't love me then they might leave me. I do care about my boyfriend as a specific person in his own right, and I don't want to lose him, but if he dumped me I would suffer as much from the pain of rejection and loneliness as I would from actually losing him. I should note that my boyfriend is a little socially inhibited and appears to have low self esteem; he's very self critical, and occasionally when I tell him he's great he tells me I must be crazy. He's also somewhat mistrustful, and is fearful of rejection or ridicule in personal relationships. This doesn't exactly help matters, and it makes me wonder whether I'm too needy or he's too self-protective and distant, or maybe both.
paleblue Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 i dont think him saying not in love yet is a huge deal right now. i mean its only been a few months! give it some time. those feelings take time! you might be wanting to much too soon. you just need to chill
Green Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 First off even IF he does LEAVE YOU, that should be a posibility you are prepared for. Saying I LOVE YOU or even getting MARRIED are no gaurantees against some one leaving you, in fact it only makes it worse when things don't work out. LEARN TO BE OK WITH YOU. LOVE is just a word, and obviously it would be nice of him to JUST SAY IT but really if he is respectful and kind and his ACTIONS are loving I wouldn't let it get to you.
harmfulsweetz Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 First off even IF he does LEAVE YOU, that should be a posibility you are prepared for. Saying I LOVE YOU or even getting MARRIED are no gaurantees against some one leaving you, in fact it only makes it worse when things don't work out. LEARN TO BE OK WITH YOU. LOVE is just a word, and obviously it would be nice of him to JUST SAY IT but really if he is respectful and kind and his ACTIONS are loving I wouldn't let it get to you. Exactly. I'd worry if in a year's time he hasn't said it and has explicitly stated that he does not think he is in love yet, but right now, you're both still getting your footing. I think this is more an issue with you fearing abandonment than losing him, himself. I honestly think you should try seeking out help for this-it will affect you in other areas, and it's not healthy to live worrying everyone is going to leave you. That's what I meant-I meant that perhaps you only fear losing him because you fear rejection and loneliness. You can't face being alone. I think until one is comfortable enough with themselves being alone, and happy enough to confront that as a reality or possibility, one cannot be happy and enter into healthy relationships. And this is a case in point. It's always a possibility, even when those three words have been used. People leave people, it happens but you need to be prepared for that if it ever happens. Some people rarely use those words, some don't like them and it's not the words that are important, it's the meaning, it's what they represent and a person can represent love in loads more ways than words. It's cliched but if you don't value yourself, as you, you can never value anyone else fully or anything you have because you will try and find holes in it. I know, I do the same thing. I'd sooner pick a fault when there really isn't one, than appreciate the goodness of something as it is. In my mind, it has to go wrong somewhere right? Wrong. I really think you ought to seek help for yourself with this. It's hard when you've been hurt so many times, get your hopes up only to have them dashed, but you have to learn to heal, and be okay with what has happened and be happy in your skin.
Author Thornton Posted June 20, 2010 Author Posted June 20, 2010 It's certainly an issue with me fearing abandonment, but it's also more than that. I'm extremely picky and I'm interested in very few guys; I've literally been interested in maybe four or five guys in my entire life, and most of those didn't want to date me. I feel like the connection I have with my boyfriend is rare, and I fear that if I lose it I won't find it again. I suppose I felt generally lonely and misunderstood, and my boyfriend understands me and cares about me - I don't want to go back to being lonely and misunderstood. He isn't replaceable, and that's what scares me more than anything.
sumdude Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 Just remember one thing. Actions are far more important than words. If his actions are loving that says a lot. It's a young relationship, have some patience.
Author Thornton Posted June 20, 2010 Author Posted June 20, 2010 I feel like sometimes he's intensely caring, does sweet things, gets all kissy and romantic... and on other days he doesn't even reply to my text messages, and won't commit to the next date because he's not sure of his plans. Later on, I speak to him and he acts like everything is fine and normal. I find it very confusing, and it makes me feel insecure on the days when I get less attention from him. I don't know if the problem is mine or his... Maybe I'm getting too worried because I haven't heard from him, wondering why he's ignoring my text messages all day, and a normal person with no abandonment issues wouldn't feel like that. Or maybe he's trying to maintain an emotional distance because of this self protective shell that he has from being hurt and not trusting people, and the feeling of him backing off is actually real.
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