stoploss11 Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 When it comes to an A and people not willing to leave their M or R what are the most common reasons and percentages? Such as 75% financial 20% children 3% love 2% selfish etc.... my numbers are completely arbitrary...
wheelwright Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 When it comes to an A and people not willing to leave their M or R what are the most common reasons and percentages? Such as 75% financial 20% children 3% love 2% selfish etc.... my numbers are completely arbitrary... Doubt. Even 1 % doubt makes all the other factors so important. The reasons for the doubt may be part of this thread, or another one?
Fallen Angel Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 Doubt. Even 1 % doubt makes all the other factors so important. The reasons for the doubt may be part of this thread, or another one? I agree that doubt is huge, doubt and fear... The MP's doubt about his/her ability to make a strong long term relationship with ANYONE work. Usually by the time they have become involved in a serious long term affair in which they are contemplating leaving the marriage, they have usually tried to fix the marriage many times, and failed, and they doubt their ability to maintain an honest relationship and not fall into the same ruts again. And fall back into the same behaviour. They fear making the same mistakes. They do not fear or doubt their lover. They fear and doubt themselves. their own shortcomings. They fear letting down yet someone else they love. That being said... I would say of the things you listed.. more women stay M'd for financial reasons than any other, once they have realized they love their AP. I would say more men stay for the children. The fact of the matter is that in a D, men generally do not get full-time custody. And in a D, a woman tends to get the short end of the stick financially. Especially difficult because she also gets custody of the kids. (kind of a catch 22 situation for both, wouldn't you agree?) What they both need the most from each other is what they each lose in the divorce.
MizFit Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 When it comes to an A and people not willing to leave their M or R what are the most common reasons and percentages? Such as 75% financial 20% children 3% love 2% selfish etc.... my numbers are completely arbitrary... Interesting because MM and I had a similar chat not too long ago. This is relating to him and what he said to me...not any other poster or MM or BS's perception...this is only a reflection of my situation. 65% child 25% financial 5% social and family perceptions 5% fear of letting go of the familiar In my eyes the one that is truly the biggest is the fear...tying into the power of 'doubt', as wheelright said. He doesn't see it, but it is the cornerstone of all the rest. Interesting thread.
Silly_Girl Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 Here's my estimate based on my personal experience: 10% social/familial embarrassment 10% reluctance to admit the years invested in the M were a 'waste' 20% guilt at leaving W with 'nothing and no one' 60% fear of everything new; home, job, area, routines, relationship, expectations on him.
jj33 Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 (edited) ?????????????????????? Youve got it backwards Stop. Most people who start affairs are not LOOKING to leave their marriages. They are looking for an affair. No matte what they say most people dont start an affair with an intent to leave. Only those entering into exit affairs are even really open to the idea of leaving. So I would say pretty much the reason that they dont leave is because they are married and most arent looking for a new spoues. They are looking to fill in the gaps in their marriage. There are exceptions sure but its a narrow exception. The A isnt what causes someone to leave. People dont leave FOR other people. THey leave when they are ready to leave because they want to leave. Often when they do leave and end up with the AP its because being with the AP gave them the courage to do something that they already wanted to do and they are in love with the AP. The way you framed the question doesnt take the reality of the situation into account IMHO. You write as if your WS has given you reasons and you wonder how many WS give the same reasons and if they are true. If so that is a different question. If you were doing a scientific study, I would say your assumptoins were flawed. Edited June 20, 2010 by jj33
MizFit Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 ?????????????????????? Youve got it backwards Stop. Most people who start affairs are not LOOKING to leave their marriages. They are looking for an affair. No matte what they say most people dont start an affair with an intent to leave. Only those entering into exit affairs are even really open to the idea of leaving. So I would say pretty much the reason that they dont leave is because they are married and most arent looking for a new spoues. They are looking to fill in the gaps in their marriage. There are exceptions sure but its a narrow exception. The A isnt what causes someone to leave. People dont leave FOR other people. THey leave when they are ready to leave because they want to leave. Often when they do leave and end up with the AP its because being with the AP gave them the courage to do something that they already wanted to do and they are in love with the AP. The way you framed the question doesnt take the reality of the situation into account IMHO. You write as if your WS has given you reasons and you wonder how many WS give the same reasons and if they are true. If so that is a different question. If you were doing a scientific study, I would say your assumptoins were flawed. At some point during the A I assume most WS do give reasons as to why they won't leave, no matter what the intentions of entering the A were. My MM has no intention of leaving voluntarily, but he is the one who brings it up...he wants to tell me why he won't do it. I happen to know his are about dead on because of conversations and emails I've had with his W after Ddays, but I find my situation to be quite different to everyone elses so maybe my views are a bit blinkered. Good point though about the intention when entering the A.
Just a stone's throw Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 Totally agree with this in my case. Not interested in leaving the M for the following reasons: 1. The M and H positive aspects significantly outweigh the negative aspects. I am way more happy than unhappy in my marriage. 2. D would mean a world of hurt to him, his family, my family, our friends and our work situations. 3. If he were to know about the A, a lot of this would change and I would be forced into facing a D which does not necessarily scare me financially, or that I'd be alone but more for the hurt and embarassment that it would bring upon both of us and those around us. JAST ?????????????????????? Youve got it backwards Stop. Most people who start affairs are not LOOKING to leave their marriages. They are looking for an affair. No matte what they say most people dont start an affair with an intent to leave. Only those entering into exit affairs are even really open to the idea of leaving. So I would say pretty much the reason that they dont leave is because they are married and most arent looking for a new spoues. They are looking to fill in the gaps in their marriage. There are exceptions sure but its a narrow exception. The A isnt what causes someone to leave. People dont leave FOR other people. THey leave when they are ready to leave because they want to leave. Often when they do leave and end up with the AP its because being with the AP gave them the courage to do something that they already wanted to do and they are in love with the AP. The way you framed the question doesnt take the reality of the situation into account IMHO. You write as if your WS has given you reasons and you wonder how many WS give the same reasons and if they are true. If so that is a different question. If you were doing a scientific study, I would say your assumptoins were flawed.
jj33 Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 (edited) Miz I had the same expeience. I never asked him whether he would leave and he on his own gave me reasons why he couldnt. It all amounts to the same thing in my view and really it doesnt matter. The premise is flawed. Yes people give reasons but are these reasons excuses? In many situations yes. The OPs premise is nonetheless flawed. The real question isnt why cant they leave its: 1. do they want to leave in the first place 2. Is their desire to leave genuine (and if they have doubt then no they really dont want to leave they are enchanted with the idea of a life with the AP but really arent ready to consider ditching their lives for it and the answer here is not why not its plain they are MARRIED... TO SOMEONE ELSE) that doesnt mean they couldnt feel differently in the future but it means they arent ready to leave. Doubt means you arent looking at the other cases and I would say that accounts for 90% of the cases 3. If they sincerely want to leave, then you get to your situation, why not. Ive seen very few MMs on these boards who really wanted to leave and felt they couldnt. Only 2 I can think of offhand. The rest were happy in the end that they didnt do it. Edited June 20, 2010 by jj33
MizFit Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 Miz I had the same expeience. I never asked him whether he would leave and he on his own gave me reasons why he couldnt. It all amounts to the same thing in my view and really it doesnt matter. The premise is flawed. Yes people give reasons but are these reasons excuses? In many situations yes. The OPs premise is nonetheless flawed. The real question isnt why cant they leave its: 1. do they want to leave in the first place 2. Is their desire to leave genuine (and if they have doubt then no they really dont want to leave they are enchanted with the idea of a life with the AP but really arent ready to consider ditching their lives for it and the answer here is not why not its plain they are MARRIED... TO SOMEONE ELSE) 3. If they sincerely want to leave, then you get to your situation, why not. Ive seen very few MMs on these boards who really wanted to leave and felt they couldnt. Only 2 I can think of offhand. The rest were happy in the end that they didnt do it. I understand what you're saying, but it can be argued that one man's reason is another man's excuse. I accept you see the premise is flawed...I look at it from a bit different point of view and don't think the reason for the A is significant-I also don't believe that many of the things that have been, and probably will be, listed here can easily be reasons for not leaving...not just excuses. I also know that most Ms don't end and I would say that most are content they stayed where they were...I agree some are happy, but I wouldn't venture a guess as to what the split on that is. Again...nothing scienfitic...people I know and things I've read and the actual number that I assume would be on a forum like this. At the end of the day much of what we believe is based on some facts, some personal experiences and observations, and a whole lot of emotions. Fortunately, and unfortunately, it makes us see things in different ways.
jj33 Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 Miz I wasnt saying that the person that you are involved with isnt genuine I just think the question is posed naively. I think I am taking issue with the words why is someone "not wiling" to leave the marriage. It assumes a whole lot of things that are simply not true in many As.
ADF Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 I work at a family law firm. From what I can see, married people involved in affairs almost always end up dumping their OW or OM and staying with their spouses. The main reason is financial. Divorce can ruin a person financially; dumping an affair partner costs nothing.
skylarblue Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 When it comes to an A and people not willing to leave their M or R what are the most common reasons and percentages? It doesn’t matter what reasons my MM give. In his words, he is obligated. The real reason is - 100%: he doesn’t want to.
BB07 Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 I work at a family law firm. From what I can see, married people involved in affairs almost always end up dumping their OW or OM and staying with their spouses. The main reason is financial. Divorce can ruin a person financially; dumping an affair partner costs nothing. As it's been mentioned before......there are probably a lot of divorces that happen when there was an affair involved, but it is never mentioned in the divorce. (No fault laws.....and some people don't want to air their dirty laundry in public.) Dumping the affair partner might not cost anything financial but I doubt anyone gets out of it cost-free.
ADF Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 As it's been mentioned before......there are probably a lot of divorces that happen when there was an affair involved, but it is never mentioned in the divorce. (No fault laws.....and some people don't want to air their dirty laundry in public.) Dumping the affair partner might not cost anything financial but I doubt anyone gets out of it cost-free. Actually, it is almost always mentioned in divorce cases when it occurs. It may not come out IN COURT, but that is different from not being mentioned within the law office. It is striking, however, that divorces almost never follow directly in the wake of exposed affair. There is usually a time lag, often a few years, between a revelation and a divorce action. But in terms of the OP's original question. I have almost never seen a divorce where the MM or MW leave their spouse for the OM/OW. It almost never happens. The affairs usually end long before the marriage ends.
DadofTwoGirls Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 'Dumping the affair partner might not cost anything financial but I doubt anyone gets out of it cost-free.' The above statement is so true..I also agree that the A usually ends well before the divorce..I would like to know the % of time frame from sudden spousal separation to when they file for divorce, and if done by the initiator how long and by the one left with jaw on floor how long they waited if they filed first...EA/PA very bad for relationships as everyone knows, not only does ruin it but you are left with the EA/PA residue.
Fieldsofgold Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 When it comes to an A and people not willing to leave their M or R what are the most common reasons and percentages? It doesn’t matter what reasons my MM give. In his words, he is obligated. The real reason is - 100%: he doesn’t want to. I think this, right here, nails it.
Fallen Angel Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 Actually, it is almost always mentioned in divorce cases when it occurs. It may not come out IN COURT, but that is different from not being mentioned within the law office. It is striking, however, that divorces almost never follow directly in the wake of exposed affair. There is usually a time lag, often a few years, between a revelation and a divorce action. But in terms of the OP's original question. I have almost never seen a divorce where the MM or MW leave their spouse for the OM/OW. It almost never happens. The affairs usually end long before the marriage ends. If the BS is aware of it, then I am sure you are right. However, as you well know, there are many WS who never reveal, and many go a very long time (til after the divorce) without a D-day. You are correct in that many times there is a lag between D-day and the end of the marriage. But just because the BS believes the affair is over after D-day, does not mean it is, as is also evidenced by so many here on LS. So just because a WS does not acknowledge that they are leaving the marriage for their AP, does not mean it isn't so.
Author stoploss11 Posted June 21, 2010 Author Posted June 21, 2010 Now what about if there is no marriage but a child and baby's father still living at the home?
sadintexas Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 I would like to know the % of time frame from sudden spousal separation to when they file for divorce, and if done by the initiator how long and by the one left with jaw on floor how long they waited if they filed first...EA/PA very bad for relationships as everyone knows, not only does ruin it but you are left with the EA/PA residue. When I was a BS: I don't know overall the average time frame, but for me it was 28 months. Part of the delay though was that during the hysterical bonding period, I got pregnant. So I tried again despite him not making efforts to work on things. Stats: He cheated on me, I left him and filed for divorce 28 mos later. There was no separation upon discovery. We did separate during the pregnancy for other reasons but got back together right before the birth and I filed a little over a year later. Reason for divorce not really A related. It was the whole package. His AP was long gone by this point. Oh but when I did finally decide to file for D, it was done that same week that I decided.
DadofTwoGirls Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 you do realize you're better off!! but sorry to hear what you had to go through.
OWoman Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 When it comes to an A and people not willing to leave their M or R what are the most common reasons and percentages? It doesn’t matter what reasons my MM give. In his words, he is obligated. The real reason is - 100%: he doesn’t want to. ...Or, in some cases, he does, but the OW doesn't want him to, and tells him she'll dump him if he does.
Confused4Now Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 For me...I was ready to go 2 years prior to meeting my AP. So for me when the time came it was... 100% = The unknown Being married for 21 years....the whole thought of starting over, dating scene and even though I was hoping my xMW would have been with me...I knew deep down it was going to be very hard for her. In my marriage for me I was emotionally gone from it when my 3rd child was born. SAD:(
Fieldsofgold Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 ...Or, in some cases, he does, but the OW doesn't want him to, and tells him she'll dump him if he does. I haven't heard that one before. Would it be more likely to be this way if the AP is also married? Or other reasons? I wonder what percentage of the time this happens?
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