sarkandlauren Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 Unfortuantely yes. I don't want him to mention her name, but he does, not all the time, but just mentioning her to me in our conversation just hurts me, but the sad thing is I have no right to tell him not to, absolutely no right. I just swallow the pain. I am terrified to even look at facebook, I'm really scared of seeing his family pictures, I had to hide his updates from myself. It's a way to protect myself.
Silly_Girl Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 I am terrified to even look at facebook, I'm really scared of seeing his family pictures, I had to hide his updates from myself. It's a way to protect myself. That's the opposite of self-preservation, that's denial
Author Mombot Posted July 19, 2010 Author Posted July 19, 2010 Now his daughter and grandaughters are coming instate for a week in August and I'll be excluded. I will have to talk about this next time I see him.
Dexter Morgan Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Now his daughter and grandaughters are coming instate for a week in August and I'll be excluded. ya, and?.......... I will have to talk about this next time I see him. what are you going to say? "I am your mistress!!! I am entitled to be there and you are obligated to have me there!!"
White Flower Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 I think that's a great idea Dexter! It is not unheard of, actually.
Author Mombot Posted July 21, 2010 Author Posted July 21, 2010 I think I'd rather spend a few days at a spa resort.
Author Mombot Posted July 21, 2010 Author Posted July 21, 2010 That's exactly what I'm going to do, and he can pay for it.
Meredith63 Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 I WAS jealous that she was his wife and got to spend her days and nights with him. I was NOT jealous of her life though... mine was far better.
Dexter Morgan Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 I think that's a great idea Dexter! ya, and that would be like telling someone you just stole from, "possession is 9 tenths of the law, I'm entitled to your belongings"
Dexter Morgan Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 It is not unheard of, actually. oh I know it. Ridiculous ideas of entitlement are all around.
Author Mombot Posted July 21, 2010 Author Posted July 21, 2010 I think going to a spa is a better idea.
White Flower Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 oh I know it. Ridiculous ideas of entitlement are all around. I know you mean this in a sarcastic way but I wasn't trying to be sarcastic nor entitled. I think there comes a time in a long-term A when the OW no longer wants to be the OW but the Only Woman in MM's life and either bolts or says 'make an honest woman out of me'. A very old-fashioned saying for the ever current notion for 'get off the fence and make me visible'. I'm not so sure demanding visibility is the same as entitlement. It is more of a push to make the A couple The Couple and make the M the Old Couple who are now divorcing.
2sunny Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 I know you mean this in a sarcastic way but I wasn't trying to be sarcastic nor entitled. I think there comes a time in a long-term A when the OW no longer wants to be the OW but the Only Woman in MM's life and either bolts or says 'make an honest woman out of me'. A very old-fashioned saying for the ever current notion for 'get off the fence and make me visible'. I'm not so sure demanding visibility is the same as entitlement. It is more of a push to make the A couple The Couple and make the M the Old Couple who are now divorcing. that TIME often never comes... when you look at statistics - it's just THAT thought that keeps the OW hanging on. hanging on to what??? nothing? you can't PUSH others to do anything. the only one you can push is YOURSELF. YOU are the only one who has the power to decide what you ARE or AREN'T willing to participate in - with regards to the important decisions in your life. how YOU choose to participate is soley up to YOU. you can never blame anyone else for how YOU choose to participate. do or do not. those are the only choices.
White Flower Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 [/u] that TIME often never comes... when you look at statistics - it's just THAT thought that keeps the OW hanging on. hanging on to what??? nothing? you can't PUSH others to do anything. the only one you can push is YOURSELF. YOU are the only one who has the power to decide what you ARE or AREN'T willing to participate in - with regards to the important decisions in your life. how YOU choose to participate is soley up to YOU. you can never blame anyone else for how YOU choose to participate. do or do not. those are the only choices. Of course 2sunny. I wasn't really arguing the point of personal power in the situation; I was merely stating that APs come to a certain point where it's all or nothing. They get visibility or they walk and it's as simple as that. My 'Step mother' got visibility as OW as did OWoman, Togetherforever, and GEL. It does happen, especially in long-term As. It may be a sense of entitlement but if so, I'm sure it is felt deserved. Maybe it is just an expectation that develops naturally over time.
2sunny Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 Of course 2sunny. I wasn't really arguing the point of personal power in the situation; I was merely stating that APs come to a certain point where it's all or nothing. They get visibility or they walk and it's as simple as that. My 'Step mother' got visibility as OW as did OWoman, Togetherforever, and GEL. It does happen, especially in long-term As. It may be a sense of entitlement but if so, I'm sure it is felt deserved. Maybe it is just an expectation that develops naturally over time. yes WF those are the few cases that did get their MM. think about the thousands (or tens of thousands?) that have posted here that didn't get their MM when they wanted him. isn't it interesting we only have 3 fOW here that actually ended up being married or visibly together with their fMM? the odds are too low to always encourage a gal to go back over and over again for more heartache only to be disappointed in herself because she continued to participate knowing the likelihood of him leaving his W is nearly nil. i don't wish that pain on any gal; nor would i encourage it. especially when she has a chance to get out and date available men that show no evidence that they have a cheating history and a brighter future together for the fact that maybe the OW won't spend her life wondering when he'll cheat on her.
White Flower Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 yes WF those are the few cases that did get their MM. think about the thousands (or tens of thousands?) that have posted here that didn't get their MM when they wanted him. isn't it interesting we only have 3 fOW here that actually ended up being married or visibly together with their fMM? the odds are too low to always encourage a gal to go back over and over again for more heartache only to be disappointed in herself because she continued to participate knowing the likelihood of him leaving his W is nearly nil. i don't wish that pain on any gal; nor would i encourage it. especially when she has a chance to get out and date available men that show no evidence that they have a cheating history and a brighter future together for the fact that maybe the OW won't spend her life wondering when he'll cheat on her. As I've seen on another thread, Mombot may have such issues with her MM (or may not) but from earlier threads it appeared that her man was separated and divorcing. I didn't think asking for visibility was such a terrible thing to ask for. BTW, I wasn't the one who suggested it; only said it wasn't unheard of.
2sunny Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 I think I'd rather spend a few days at a spa resort. That's exactly what I'm going to do, and he can pay for it. Now his daughter and grandaughters are coming instate for a week in August and I'll be excluded. I will have to talk about this next time I see him. speak your truth. to be bought off and to be made to silently go away isn't good for your self esteem. it's still a bribe. kind of like the jewelry my xH bought me when he cheated and wanted to make me be quiet. why do you have to wait to see him to discuss this? simply call him now and tell him you're not digging it - and you're not gonna take being treated like that. if you're not the OW - he sure is treating you like you are. what are YOU going to do about it? you can't control what he does - you can only control how YOU choose to participate in this relationship... or you can choose not to participate at all. telling him NO MORE would send a clear message that you're not ok with all of his guideline for dating and disrespecting you.
Dexter Morgan Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 I know you mean this in a sarcastic way but I wasn't trying to be sarcastic nor entitled. no sarcasm at all. There ARE people here with a ridiculous sense of entitlement when it comes to affairs.
lolalove Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 It seems to me, whether you end up feeling that way or not, that you kind of sign up for jealousy when you share a man. I wouldn't want to go into any relationship that leaves me out while another woman takes my place...physically or mentally.
noel2 Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 If you are a normal human being of course you're going to be jealous. If you don't then you probably don't have real feelings for this person, so it should be easy to get out and I suggest you do before you develop them. Its too late for me, so I am urging you, please, please go IF you aren't already in too deep. Good luck!!!
OWoman Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 If you are a normal human being of course you're going to be jealous. If you don't then you probably don't have real feelings for this person, so it should be easy to get out and I suggest you do before you develop them. Its too late for me, so I am urging you, please, please go IF you aren't already in too deep. Good luck!!! Noel - what exactly is their to envy in a BS? (I'm not saying this to diss any BSs here - I'm sure few, if any, would have chosen to be the BS). It's typically not a position most OWs would want to be in. Would you really want a guy who came home to you every night - even if he was secretly pining for the one he left elsewhere? Would you want a body next to you in bed that was tossing and turning, unable to rest because his mind was twisting with the struggles of conscience / logistics / cognitive dissonance that being in an A brings? Would you want a guy who gave you a Valentine's Day card but gave his heart to another? Perhaps it's enough for some, but many others would rather be the woman in the man's heart, the twinkle in his eye and the name that lingers on his lips like a kiss, than the woman whose name was on the mortgage or the cheque book, alongside his. I was never jealous of the BW. I did not want her life, not one bit of it. My own life was far better, and certainly my R was far better IMO - though perhaps not in hers. Perhaps she preferred her life over mine, her kind of M over mine - but I would not have traded with her for anything!
TOWinNYC Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Would you really want a guy who came home to you every night - even if he was secretly pining for the one he left elsewhere? Would you want a body next to you in bed that was tossing and turning, unable to rest because his mind was twisting with the struggles of conscience / logistics / cognitive dissonance that being in an A brings? Would you want a guy who gave you a Valentine's Day card but gave his heart to another? Perhaps it's enough for some, but many others would rather be the woman in the man's heart, the twinkle in his eye and the name that lingers on his lips like a kiss, than the woman whose name was on the mortgage or the cheque book, alongside his. I was never jealous of the BW. I did not want her life, not one bit of it. My own life was far better, and certainly my R was far better IMO - though perhaps not in hers. Perhaps she preferred her life over mine, her kind of M over mine - but I would not have traded with her for anything! EXACTLY. I also think the "jealous" feeling comes from not being sure where you stand and where you are headed. Once those two things become clear, everything else is just noise.....
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