TinaniT Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 No. I've never been especially jealous in a relationship in my life, and that is, I'm sure, compounded by the fact that in this case, it moved pretty quickly to me not being the other woman for that long, and that he spent more time with me than at home (and from calls and texts, most when he was at "home," he wasn't at home with her but out doing things with the kids near constantly... and even before the divorce started, but after emotions had developed between us, he told me if anything bothered me, he'd change it, even moving out if I required-- didn't have much a chance to be jealous. Perhaps even being the furthest thing from a jealous person would have changed if I had felt truly second fiddle.
CrayonAngel Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 Thanks Hazy, I am doing pretty good. Reading Skylar's response just flipped a switch in my head and suddenly I felt bad for anyone having to feel this way. I am not a BS, or an OW. But no one should have to feel that way with the person they love.
pureinheart Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 Not until he had split with her and then decided to reconcile. Then I think my jealousy (something I have seldom felt in life, preferring to think others' freedom is a part of love) was understandable. He asked me to write a list of all the things I wanted from him that would keep me happy, he didn't want to mess up this time. I told him to be himself. Then after splitting with his W, and deciding to reconcile (me under bus here), he asked her to write self same list! Inspired by his R with me! Then he had sex with her. Which he boasted about in a way that meant I would hear (hadn't happened in some time apparently - he suggested this boasting was down to bravado). Then she told him to surprise her, and he arranged secret DIY to her kitchen, which she loved. Then he showed me what he had done. Then he never saw me again. So yeah, I was jealous in a weird way. Like he was doing for her what he had wanted to do for me in an effort to make his M something worth the intimacy he and I had shared. More galled (/severely f***ed up) than jealous though. I was never jealous about his family time during the A, cos I knew his heart wasn't in the M. It turns out, right (and this was a surprise to me) that the heart can be manipulated according to circumstance, making a mockery of love, let alone jealousy. Oh OM and their ways. Don't you love them? WW, this almost sounds like gaslighting, which could be one of the reasons things are as difficult as they are...not the fact that you were stoned cold in love with him and he was such a great guy and your loosing soooo much...but the aftermath of abuse which can leave one devastated...mind games are hard to reconcile...hugs WW
Confused4Now Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 For me early on into the affair when I was the MM for almost 2 years...the dynamics of my relationship with my xMW was the same so it really wasn't a problem. I never felt any jealousy at that point. However the minute I moved out and began my D it was apparent she wasn't going to do anything for awhile. I wanted to rescue from her situation. Then yes I had some animosity towards her H. Personally now I don't think her situation was so abusive after all....I mean she still is there. Yes I was jealous for awhile till I finally accepted this is what they do together...this so called dance between each other. So now I don't even care....I just live my life and focus on me. I'm pretty much done with it all...I don't consider her a friend or anything now.
pureinheart Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 Hi Mombot, No , not jealous...frustrated. ExDM is extremely intelligent and has great potential, and at that time felt he was allowing himself to be held back. I believe that we all have the potential for greatness in the areas that we are gifted and we take that as far as we feel comfortable.
pureinheart Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 For me early on into the affair when I was the MM for almost 2 years...the dynamics of my relationship with my xMW was the same so it really wasn't a problem. I never felt any jealousy at that point. However the minute I moved out and began my D it was apparent she wasn't going to do anything for awhile. I wanted to rescue from her situation. Then yes I had some animosity towards her H. Personally now I don't think her situation was so abusive after all....I mean she still is there. Yes I was jealous for awhile till I finally accepted this is what they do together...this so called dance between each other. So now I don't even care....I just live my life and focus on me. I'm pretty much done with it all...I don't consider her a friend or anything now. Just throwing this out there...may not apply to your sitch...sometimes the abuse can be so bad that that is what actually keeps a person there, it's comfortable. For those that have been exposed for long periods of time to extreme physical and/or emotional abuse have a hard time with non abusive situations...priddy much, can a person handle what is good and right...
TinaniT Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 Just throwing this out there...may not apply to your sitch...sometimes the abuse can be so bad that that is what actually keeps a person there, it's comfortable. For those that have been exposed for long periods of time to extreme physical and/or emotional abuse have a hard time with non abusive situations...priddy much, can a person handle what is good and right... All I can say is, it is difficult, especially if it's all you've ever known, even if you intellectually know better... especially without counselling, but even with...
Confused4Now Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 Just throwing this out there...may not apply to your sitch...sometimes the abuse can be so bad that that is what actually keeps a person there, it's comfortable. For those that have been exposed for long periods of time to extreme physical and/or emotional abuse have a hard time with non abusive situations...priddy much, can a person handle what is good and right...Well I thought as well but what really rings true is either way she needs heavy therapy to work on to get out and she wasn't willing to do that. So you could be right this is all she knows. She did meet him at 16 had a child and 17 and is now 42 years old. So it's all she knows.....quite possible.
jj33 Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 I don’t get jealous, but I do get envious at times (jealousy: fear of losing something you have; envy: wanting something someone else has) over the idea that she gets to have a life with him .... Sometimes he calls me from wherever they are and all I can think is how her H is calling me, but 10mins later he’ll be right back with her enjoying whatever outing they’re on as the perfect couple/family and I don’t even exist........ Yeah…it irks me. That used to bug me too. He would phone and text and email and everything when they were on vacations all over the place with friends and Id think what are you doing? Youre at this great vacation spot and you are contacting me all the time? And then he would get back and have missed me alot and Id think wake up what are you doing? Just leave and we can go on vacations together. Maybe not with her friends but still. And since she didnt care that he was with me all I could think was this is so stupid. Why are they even bothering? It irked me a lot.
Dexter Morgan Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 That was all pretty cruel, really. no more cruel than what you and MM are dishing out to his wife.
wheelwright Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 no more cruel than what you and MM are dishing out to his wife. Come on Dex. There is a M vow that gets old and staid and both parties say they hate the M. Then there is the fresh heartbreak of a new and real love (however selfish in conception). The former when broken makes you wake up to your life, the latter breaks your heart. That's the way it is. Maybe it wasn't like this for you. But this is how I was told it was for xMM from both parties. Naively I believed I was doing nothing to his W that would hurt her. There is the cruelty you feel when you realise you are losing all you mistakenly built your life around when you thought you were a loving or OK spouse but it wasn't enough nor should have been. And you know it. You built that. No one in love and loved in return looks elsewhere. It's time you cast a nod in that direction. Infidelity is just one way to deal with this. I respect many BSs who post here. Have learnt from them. Morally as well as in m situation. The nod is not really discretionary.
White Flower Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 That is because Lizzie's logic is "What makes Lizzie smile is all that matters." Too bad we all couldn't live like that, think how much happier we would be... (and there would be no need for LS ) I know, what it would be like to enjoy undetached sex. Wish I could. Even MM, who could do many women in a month at one time in his life felt a little used himself when the OW was in it for the sex only. Even the worst SC wants his woman to adore him and be emotionally dependent on him I'm sure.
sarkandlauren Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 I know, what it would be like to enjoy undetached sex. Wish I could. Even MM, who could do many women in a month at one time in his life felt a little used himself when the OW was in it for the sex only. Even the worst SC wants his woman to adore him and be emotionally dependent on him I'm sure. Is that true? I felt like my AP is in it for the physical, and I'm in it for the emotional, although the physical part just happened (and frankly, i'm regretting because of the guilt and pain I have to go thru is really not worth it). I would assume that he wants me to emotionally independent of this, and just enjoy the time we had together and not get attached?
pureinheart Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 Come on Dex. There is a M vow that gets old and staid and both parties say they hate the M. Then there is the fresh heartbreak of a new and real love (however selfish in conception). The former when broken makes you wake up to your life, the latter breaks your heart. That's the way it is. I know this is describing your former sitch...but gf, this is profound...very, very well worded:)
Dexter Morgan Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 Come on Dex. There is a M vow that gets old and staid and both parties say they hate the M. Then there is the fresh heartbreak of a new and real love (however selfish in conception). The former when broken makes you wake up to your life, the latter breaks your heart. That's the way it is. Maybe it wasn't like this for you. But this is how I was told it was for xMM from both parties. Naively I believed I was doing nothing to his W that would hurt her. There is the cruelty you feel when you realise you are losing all you mistakenly built your life around when you thought you were a loving or OK spouse but it wasn't enough nor should have been. And you know it. You built that. No one in love and loved in return looks elsewhere. It's time you cast a nod in that direction. Infidelity is just one way to deal with this. I respect many BSs who post here. Have learnt from them. Morally as well as in m situation. The nod is not really discretionary. nice post but it doesn't change what I said.
pureinheart Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 All I can say is, it is difficult, especially if it's all you've ever known, even if you intellectually know better... especially without counselling, but even with... Yep Well I thought as well but what really rings true is either way she needs heavy therapy to work on to get out and she wasn't willing to do that. So you could be right this is all she knows. She did meet him at 16 had a child and 17 and is now 42 years old. So it's all she knows.....quite possible. If this is the case my heart really goes out to her...and sorry you had to go through all of this:(
White Flower Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 Is that true? I felt like my AP is in it for the physical, and I'm in it for the emotional, although the physical part just happened (and frankly, i'm regretting because of the guilt and pain I have to go thru is really not worth it). I would assume that he wants me to emotionally independent of this, and just enjoy the time we had together and not get attached? I think each person is different. If the MM is a sex addict and needs his supply it probably stands to reason that he wants that supply to be a little needy. I'm not trying to start a whole new convo with this, just answering a specific question.
Lou2010 Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 'irksome'? yes! absolutely how I felt. It was irksome to think that he was getting great sex and conversation from me (so he said anyway) but she was the one who benefitted financially from all the nice clothes the car the home the holidays the 'being with' him and outwardly they presented a happy and steady front. I honestly dont think she had a clue she always used to walk about with a 'cant believe my luck im with such a handsome guy' look on her face. oh dear god. I found the weekends most difficult when they would go away for 'romanitc' breaks then i would see her pics on the social network site of her and him together smiling away. argh. it made me want to email her and tell her her life was built around a lie but of course i never did. not her fault. but yes, definite feelings of jealousy and as for being in the same room as them at parties! Lizzie's take is spot on and i wish i could have been as strong as she is and viewed it for what it is. i wish i could have dated others throught the months we were together but i made the classic mistake of falling for him and being there for him all the time rather than him fitting in with my life. never felt those feelings of jealousy before this affair. never want to feel them again! x
Lou2010 Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 That used to bug me too. He would phone and text and email and everything when they were on vacations all over the place with friends and Id think what are you doing? Youre at this great vacation spot and you are contacting me all the time? And then he would get back and have missed me alot and Id think wake up what are you doing? Just leave and we can go on vacations together. Maybe not with her friends but still. And since she didnt care that he was with me all I could think was this is so stupid. Why are they even bothering? It irked me a lot. oops sorry, meant to include this quote. just to add yes the texting when he was with her, hearing the party noises in the background when he called or, and this makes me laugh, the hushed phone calls with the echoey background (venue:toilet of course!). :rolleyes: Gawd, am i glad i flushed the chain! still it will take time. i know i should feel sorry for her but even as i write this there is still a slight feeling of jealousy its not a good feeling to be second best is it? and while i have never been competitive it irks that 'shes won' (even though in real terms shes lost). even though we've got NC i dont know if i will be able to resist not checking in on her bebo site from time to time in short this affair has brought out all manner of negative behaviour patterns in me that i never expereinced before including jealousy.
jj33 Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 Lou its one of those things that never ever made sense to me. Ever. Its not a jealousy per se but a ?? you want to sort of flick him on the forehead and say snap out of it. Look at this objectively. To this day (3 years later) the man STILL contacts me for BS (not betrayed spouse) reasons several times a week sometimes several times a day and I try not to even wonder anymore. Had he left within the year after we ended the A, the fallout would be ancient history by now and we would have sorted things out and gone on with our lives. Instead we have the carnage of the past 2 years and health issues that I strongly beleive are as a result of the A. All to keep the status quo intact. At this point Im not jealous of his W. He has changed and is a shell of the man I knew in many ways. And he has had health issues that are textbook depression and anxiety. I cant imagine that is fun for his W. So if I was ever jealous of her in any way I am not now. I do feel sort of sorry for him to the extent that his behavior has not made me totally indifferent to him. Hes in a prison of his own making.
Lou2010 Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 Lou its one of those things that never ever made sense to me. Ever. Its not a jealousy per se but a ?? you want to sort of flick him on the forehead and say snap out of it. Look at this objectively. To this day (3 years later) the man STILL contacts me for BS (not betrayed spouse) reasons several times a week sometimes several times a day and I try not to even wonder anymore. Had he left within the year after we ended the A, the fallout would be ancient history by now and we would have sorted things out and gone on with our lives. Instead we have the carnage of the past 2 years and health issues that I strongly beleive are as a result of the A. All to keep the status quo intact. At this point Im not jealous of his W. He has changed and is a shell of the man I knew in many ways. And he has had health issues that are textbook depression and anxiety. I cant imagine that is fun for his W. So if I was ever jealous of her in any way I am not now. I do feel sort of sorry for him to the extent that his behavior has not made me totally indifferent to him. Hes in a prison of his own making. hi not the same guy is it? aside from the time scale sounds very similar. mine says he is suffering depression and has an ulcer but due to his history of cheating i cant feel guilty about this. the situation is of his making. if he is in a prison of his own making and countless seem to be, then he/they should set the plan and leave. some people just dont suit marriage. nothing wrong with that but the sooner they realise that and break the arrangement the sooner they will heal as well as all those around them who they are hurting as a result of their denial. with mine he has nothing keeping them together but still wont leave. honestly, his wife seems completely happy and content. he spoils her very much (perhaps she knows about his phillandering and thats the pay off??). maybe she doesnt care and is happy with the arrangement. whatever the reason it is completely dysfunctional and what i resent is being dragged into this dysfunctional set up and it having a dysfunctional and negative effect on me
jj33 Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 I dont know that he has an ulcer (he didnt before) but who knows it could be the same guy you could be my predecessor (wouldnt that be a small world) but I doubt it. He doesnt "spoil her" she comes from a mega mega wealthy family and he does his best to earn enough to keep her from complaining and can only fall short no matter how well he does:rolleyes: But not my problem. It does make you wonder though I bet there are people on the boards that have unknowingly been involved with the same men. Almost want to tag them to warn off others in the future (product not as advertised on the box in SO many ways...)
Silly_Girl Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 But not my problem. It does make you wonder though I bet there are people on the boards that have unknowingly been involved with the same men. Almost want to tag them to warn off others in the future (product not as advertised on the box in SO many ways...) They're certainly not 'fit for purpose'. Perhaps we could have them under the trades description rules. For calling themselves 'men'.
Lou2010 Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 I dont know that he has an ulcer (he didnt before) but who knows it could be the same guy you could be my predecessor (wouldnt that be a small world) but I doubt it. He doesnt "spoil her" she comes from a mega mega wealthy family and he does his best to earn enough to keep her from complaining and can only fall short no matter how well he does:rolleyes: But not my problem. It does make you wonder though I bet there are people on the boards that have unknowingly been involved with the same men. Almost want to tag them to warn off others in the future (product not as advertised on the box in SO many ways...) yes we should name and shame!
jj33 Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 They're certainly not 'fit for purpose'. Perhaps we could have them under the trades description rules. For calling themselves 'men'. Silly That is the best laugh I have had all weekend! Maybe we should put their pics on liquor/beer bottles... except instead of have you seen this man it should be IF you see this man... Actually I think there is a bad boyfriend website. I saw Valentines Day last night and couldnt help but laugh when Jennifer Garner subtlely outed the MM in front of his wife... Such eejits sometimes I just shake my head in despair...
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