Mombot Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 When they are together at family events and of course, as the OW?OM, you're not there...are you ever jealous of that?
wheelwright Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 When they are together at family events and of course, as the OW?OM, you're not there...are you ever jealous of that? Not until he had split with her and then decided to reconcile. Then I think my jealousy (something I have seldom felt in life, preferring to think others' freedom is a part of love) was understandable. He asked me to write a list of all the things I wanted from him that would keep me happy, he didn't want to mess up this time. I told him to be himself. Then after splitting with his W, and deciding to reconcile (me under bus here), he asked her to write self same list! Inspired by his R with me! Then he had sex with her. Which he boasted about in a way that meant I would hear (hadn't happened in some time apparently - he suggested this boasting was down to bravado). Then she told him to surprise her, and he arranged secret DIY to her kitchen, which she loved. Then he showed me what he had done. Then he never saw me again. So yeah, I was jealous in a weird way. Like he was doing for her what he had wanted to do for me in an effort to make his M something worth the intimacy he and I had shared. More galled (/severely f***ed up) than jealous though. I was never jealous about his family time during the A, cos I knew his heart wasn't in the M. It turns out, right (and this was a surprise to me) that the heart can be manipulated according to circumstance, making a mockery of love, let alone jealousy. Oh OM and their ways. Don't you love them?
Fallen Angel Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 I wouldn't say jealous. I would say disappointed that things have not progressed enough for me to be the one he attends "family events" with. But not jealous. I maybe would be jealous if he wasn't calling and texting me during those things. But I am not jealous of her position with the way things are in their relationship as it is today. His calling and texting me is proof of where his thoughts are at those times. They are not there in the moment with her, they are with me, even though he is physically sharing the same space as her. Do you see what I mean? What I mean is, he may be there in body, but mentally and emotionally he is spending that time longing for and reaching out to me. I would rather have his thoughts and heart than just his physical presence. So no, i am not jealous of what she has. When he is with me, his phone is usually off. He is focused on me, fully focused. His attention is not drawn to other places, other people. When he is there with her, his attention is often on me, drawn towards contacting me, wondering where I am, what i am doing.... I would not want that kind of life with him... it is not something I can envy...
Author Mombot Posted June 20, 2010 Author Posted June 20, 2010 That was all pretty cruel, really. How long did this A go on?
wheelwright Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 That was all pretty cruel, really. How long did this A go on? I think MOM tried to make it mercifully quick. Only point in his favour. A lasted 9 months. Very intense. Then the denoument I describe about 2 months.
MizFit Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 When they are together at family events and of course, as the OW?OM, you're not there...are you ever jealous of that? No...for 2 reasons. 1-like FA he's in touch throughout any hols or events and normally brings me something back from the tackiest souvenier shops possible (joke going back to me doing something similar to him) so I know I'm never far from his thoughts. 2-he isn't my life...he's a small part of it. I have parties and bbqs and I attend shows and functions with friends...he's often more upset about what I'm doing than I am what he's doing. I date actively as well and I don't lie to him if he asks me about the men or the dates...I don't ask questions that I know answers will hurt me-he's one who just can't resist no matter how much it'll hurt him. Hope that's what you're looking for!
Silly_Girl Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 When they are together at family events and of course, as the OW?OM, you're not there...are you ever jealous of that? I was of the time that he spent not with me, but the time they spent together was very different to the time we spent together, and I knew the days apart were just going through the motions, a countdown to our next weekend/meeting. I can't be jealous of that. To be fair, I thought perhaps I was, for a while, but I was more frustrated by the hold she appeared to have over him, but with hindsight I understand the dynamic more, and understand better the times I perhaps chose what I wanted to see. I have no jealousy at all for the fact their marriage still exists and my relationship with him does not. I'd not trade places with his wife for all the tea in China.
lilagirl Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 I definately experience jealousy. Mostly for mundane things. My MM and I have never gone out for dinner... we don`t do weekend getaways, we don`t have a whirlwind dating scenario. So, when she gets to do things with him, like dinner... it makes me jealous.
Lizzie60 Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 Jealous???? not at all.. I soooo don't envy the BS.. really.. she's with a cheater.. why would I be jealous? I like the As because I don't have them in my way all the time.. I have them for the important stuff.. (for what he thinks is important) ... if he didn't think that was the most important aspect of his life ... he wouldn't take the chance to lose his kids and all what he worked for...(financially).. So it's all good for me.. I don't want them full time.. plus I get so much reward$ out of this deal...
NoIDidn't Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 Jealous???? not at all.. I soooo don't envy the BS.. really.. she's with a cheater.. why would I be jealous? LOL. This logic always amuses me. "She's with a cheater". Just "her"? What about the OW? Aren't they with this same cheater? Of course, what always comes back is "But he's not cheating on me". He's still a cheater, though. No way around that whether you are the cheated or the cheated with. He is still a cheater.
Lizzie60 Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 LOL. This logic always amuses me. "She's with a cheater". Just "her"? What about the OW? Aren't they with this same cheater? Of course, what always comes back is "But he's not cheating on me". He's still a cheater, though. No way around that whether you are the cheated or the cheated with. He is still a cheater. You got that right.. he's not cheating on me.. I'm just having the fun part.. why would I be jealous.. I have no reason to be..
White Flower Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 That was all pretty cruel, really. How long did this A go on? Why would you start a thread with a specific question only to bash the honest responses you were looking for? I don't think it was cruel at all, just honest. Don't ask if you can't handle it.
White Flower Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 (edited) LOL. This logic always amuses me. "She's with a cheater". Just "her"? What about the OW? Aren't they with this same cheater? Of course, what always comes back is "But he's not cheating on me". He's still a cheater, though. No way around that whether you are the cheated or the cheated with. He is still a cheater. That logic will work on most of us OW, but not Lizzie. I don't like the word jealousy because it's reminiscent of screaming, crying, and ugly fits of rage somehow. But envy, if I'm to be honest I do believe I experience envy more and more especially with regard to how much time she has with him. Edited June 21, 2010 by White Flower
Fallen Angel Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 That logic will work on most of us OW, but not Lizzie. That is because Lizzie's logic is "What makes Lizzie smile is all that matters." Too bad we all couldn't live like that, think how much happier we would be... (and there would be no need for LS )
JustJoe Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 MB, I was never jealous. At first I didn't even know she was married, then I was the OM so what right did I have, and finally when I met him and got to know him, I realized that I had nothing to be jealous of. Guilt, I had, jealousy, none.
nadiaj2727 Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 Why would you start a thread with a specific question only to bash the honest responses you were looking for? I don't think it was cruel at all, just honest. Don't ask if you can't handle it. White Flower I think Mombot was referring to Wheelwright's post about her OM being cruel to her by having sex with his wife and all of that. She wasn't saying Wheelwright was being cruel or any other OW was being cruel. At least that's how I read it. *shrug*
White Flower Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 White Flower I think Mombot was referring to Wheelwright's post about her OM being cruel to her by having sex with his wife and all of that. She wasn't saying Wheelwright was being cruel or any other OW was being cruel. At least that's how I read it. *shrug* Ohhhh, I didn't even see Wheelwright's post somehow. Sorry Mombot! I thought you were calling FA's post cruel. Now I get it! Tony, please strike the post. And thanks Nadia:)
Fallen Angel Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 Ohhhh, I didn't even see Wheelwright's post somehow. Sorry Mombot! I thought you were calling FA's post cruel. Now I get it! Tony, please strike the post. And thanks Nadia:) That is my fault for being unable to hold my tongue and so my posts are popping up long after they normally would and so things can appear out of sequence. My post was not yet showing when Mombot typed her response, so her post was directly under WWs post and made much more logical sense. I apologize to all for any misunderstanding that may have been caused by my lack of self control. :o:o
nadiaj2727 Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 No problemo... at first I thought the same thing as you did, and had to re-read the first few posts to figure out the exact chain of events. So when I saw your post I was pretty sure you had had the same confusion. Hope all is well.
White Flower Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 Ah! So THAT is what happened. Thanks for splainin' FA! And thanks for calling it Nadia!
skylarblue Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 When they are together at family events and of course, as the OW?OM, you're not there...are you ever jealous of that? I don’t get jealous, but I do get envious at times (jealousy: fear of losing something you have; envy: wanting something someone else has) over the idea that she gets to have a life with him and I have to be quietly hidden. Honestly, I don’t want her to be so happy and I don’t like her believing she has such a great M. Sometimes he calls me from wherever they are and all I can think is how her H is calling me, but 10mins later he’ll be right back with her enjoying whatever outing they’re on as the perfect couple/family and I don’t even exist. Yet, he is so scared to be seen out in public with me for fear that someone he knows will see us and report it to his W. Yeah…it irks me.
CrayonAngel Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 When they are together at family events and of course, as the OW?OM, you're not there...are you ever jealous of that? I don’t get jealous, but I do get envious at times (jealousy: fear of losing something you have; envy: wanting something someone else has) over the idea that she gets to have a life with him and I have to be quietly hidden. Honestly, I don’t want her to be so happy and I don’t like her believing she has such a great M. Sometimes he calls me from wherever they are and all I can think is how her H is calling me, but 10mins later he’ll be right back with her enjoying whatever outing they’re on as the perfect couple/family and I don’t even exist. Yet, he is so scared to be seen out in public with me for fear that someone he knows will see us and report it to his W. Yeah…it irks me. Skylar, This is so unhealthy..and unfair to you. Don't you love yourself enough to be out of the shawdows and proudly hand in hand? I feel for you.
Hazyhead Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 Skylar, This is so unhealthy..and unfair to you. Don't you love yourself enough to be out of the shawdows and proudly hand in hand? I feel for you. This is the key. You know, at times, I was jealous (it surprises me that I'm the only one!). I wasn't jealous of their relationship - that wasn't what I wanted with him. I was jealous that she could hold him at night. I was jealous that she had dinner with him most nights. The ordinary everyday things. I know that makes me sound awful, but I'm just being honest. It's not a nice feeling to have, and I've never suffered jealousy before, but he brought it out in me. I think when we are deprived of so much of what we want, it emphasises our needs. I'm relieved to say I'm so far from that feeling now. You are right, Crayon (hope you're ok btw, just clicked on by reading one of your threads), it's unhealthy. I was jealous because I did not want to be hidden. That is not me.
her_halo_slipped Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 No. I was never jealous nor envious of the BS.
OWoman Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 No. I was never jealous nor envious of the BS. Me neither.
Recommended Posts