lorr Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 I am so confused and need some advice on how to deal with this situation. When I was in my teens I had my very first boyfriend who I was completely in love with.He was my first serious relationship that lasted for Nearly 2 years. Like any teen relationship it had its ups and downs, but eventually we broke up, as I ended up migrating to another country. Many years past and I got on with my life, until 14 years later when he tried contacting me on "Hi 5". I ignored his friend request and didn't have the urge to contact him whatsoever. Then in 2008 he sent me a message on facebook and a friend request which again I ignored, as I didn't feel the need to contact him. A good friend of mine who lives in the same country as him, told me that she had seen him out and about, and that he was actually getting married. She also hinted that he didn't seem that sure of himself. A month after his wedding(my mother told me). I had flown out to spend time with my parents. He is also my next door neighbour where he lives with his wife. At the time he was doing little things to get my attention. Again I ignored it. I suppose curiosity got the better of me when I arrived back home as I started to check the old social networking site. Little did I know that he was able to see that I had viewed his profile. I felt a bit embarrassed, and in 2009 I ended flying back out to said country to visit my parents. We completely ignored each other, and as far as I was concerned that was that. Then at the start of 2010, he requested 2 of my friends on facebook(a bit strange I thought).Now all of a sudden these old feelings have surfaced back and each day I can't stop thinking about him and reminscing about the past. I feel that I can't move forward,and that I am stuck in some sort of time warp. Its got so bad that I am constantly dreaming about him and constantly have reoccurring dreams every other night. Sometimes the dreams involve both of us (being reunited,getting married. having his children etc). I need to make sense of all this, and just don't know what to do. Because he has been trying to contact me over the years does it mean that he still has feelings for me? or that he wants to be friends? I am so tempted to contact him, but know that it would not be the most sensible thing to do Would really appreciate some advice
BritishFemale Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 (edited) Hi there. It's funny how life turns out, isn't it ? Especially as, at first, you didnt want anything to do with him, and now you do. I'm in a similar situation, except, i contacted a guy i knew briefly three years ago. We had one date, but were actually in contact for two months, then he told me that it wasnt going to work out. I sent him a message on facebook in 2008, but he ignored me, and sent him a message in 2009, which he also ignored, but, he accepted my friend request. He got intouch with me this week , and i cant understand why he has done it. I think you should send your guy a message just to see how he is in general, and keep the conversation friendly, or, you could apologise for when you ignored his other messages, and explain why. I'm sorry, but i cant tell you what he wants. Only he knows that, but i know that when i contacted the guy i mentioned before, i did so because i still fancied him, so there is a chance that the guy you mentioned may have still fancy you too. The difference between your situation and mine is that, obviously, you guys had a more meaningful relationship, and i assume it lasted quite a while , so you would have more of a reason to get in touch with each other. May i also ask, is he still married, and does he have children ?. The guy i know has a girlfriend and a baby , and what i am going to do , if i do stay in touch with him, which he asked me to do, is i will keep the conversations light and casual and let him initiate most of it. I think you should let this guy initiate a lot of the conversation too. By all means though, you could send the first message. The only person who knows what is going through your guys mind is himself. All you can do is hint that you'd like to know what he thinks of you, or ask him about it straight out. Just be careful that you dont scare him off though. I hope this helps. Edited June 20, 2010 by BritishFemale
Author lorr Posted June 20, 2010 Author Posted June 20, 2010 Thanks for replying. Yes it is funny how things have turned out. I'm normally the type of person that when a relationship ends for whatever reason, I tend to move on and not look back. I think what I'm having trouble getting my head around is that I don't understand why he would request 2 of my friends on facebook(that he doesn't even know), and what makes it strange is that he has been married since 2008. I'm also guilty of checking his facebook page(believe me when I say that I've never done this kind of thing before), and he's always boasting on his status how great things are with his marriage, and the things that he and his wife are getting up to. Its making me think whether he is happy in the marriage, or whether he feels that he might have married the wrong person. As I said I am tempted to contact him, but I can't bring myself to do so, as I don't want to come between him and his wife out of respect. I have had other relationships after him, but I find that the relationship I had with him was that more special(well he was my first).There were certain qualities that I liked about him and I suppose other men that I had relationships with just never compared to him. Also the fact that he's married and I'm not makes me feel quite a way. There isn't any children involved either.
Scottdmw Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 There is a common human tendency to want what you can't have. I have felt that way myself about past girlfriends. I think this is one of those cases where your feelings will literally lead you astray. The thing that your heart says you want is not a good thing. He is married now, and happily for all you can tell. There is no future in this relationship for you. There is no good way for you to be together. If he left his wife in order to be with you, how would you ever know whether he would leave you to be with someone else? If he did it once he would probably do it again. Even if he simply left his wife because they were unhappy, and then you came into the picture, it would still be very unlikely to work. You might find curiously that you didn't even want him once he was single. Or, you might find he had so much baggage from a failed marriage and he wasn't ready to be with anyone for years. I know it can be hard, but I would suggest you do your best to completely put him out of your mind-- no e-mailing, no Facebook, etc.. Try to avoid the temptation to figure it out or understand it. I don't think there is anything but pain for you there. Scott
SincereOnlineGuy Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 I am so confused and need some advice on how to deal with this situation. When I was in my teens I had my very first boyfriend who I was completely in love with.He was my first serious relationship that lasted for Nearly 2 years. Like any teen relationship it had its ups and downs, but eventually we broke up, as I ended up migrating to another country. Many years past and I got on with my life, until 14 years later when he tried contacting me on "Hi 5". I ignored his friend request and didn't have the urge to contact him whatsoever. Then in 2008 he sent me a message on facebook and a friend request which again I ignored, as I didn't feel the need to contact him. A good friend of mine who lives in the same country as him, told me that she had seen him out and about, and that he was actually getting married. She also hinted that he didn't seem that sure of himself. A month after his wedding(my mother told me). I had flown out to spend time with my parents. He is also my next door neighbour where he lives with his wife. At the time he was doing little things to get my attention. Again I ignored it. I suppose curiosity got the better of me when I arrived back home as I started to check the old social networking site. Little did I know that he was able to see that I had viewed his profile. I felt a bit embarrassed, and in 2009 I ended flying back out to said country to visit my parents. We completely ignored each other, and as far as I was concerned that was that. Then at the start of 2010, he requested 2 of my friends on facebook(a bit strange I thought).Now all of a sudden these old feelings have surfaced back and each day I can't stop thinking about him and reminscing about the past. I feel that I can't move forward,and that I am stuck in some sort of time warp. Its got so bad that I am constantly dreaming about him and constantly have reoccurring dreams every other night. Sometimes the dreams involve both of us (being reunited,getting married. having his children etc). I need to make sense of all this, and just don't know what to do. Because he has been trying to contact me over the years does it mean that he still has feelings for me? or that he wants to be friends? I am so tempted to contact him, but know that it would not be the most sensible thing to do Would really appreciate some advice I sense that each of you is valuing your own investment IN the other person, from the past. No matter what economic woes or natural disasters impact the earth or your neighborhood or your new country, you will always mean something to one another for having shared that distant significance with one another. Either of you who is yearning to meet the other in the present, is mostly attempting to gain from that very normal 'personal/emotional investment IN that other person'. There is nothing wrong with this at all. However, be aware that if you were to meet one another, it is very likely that the adult, experienced perceptions you get of each other may be vastly different than what you once sensed one another to be. A strong attraction still makes very much sense at this point, and if it could thrive through the 're-entry' mode, which would see both of you re-entering the present-day life of the other, then a continued mutual attraction is very normal. Don't knock yourself for it... and don't knock him for it... although IF at some point you are certain that you no longer want any of this interest or attention, tell him clearly to knock it off, and then be done with it all.
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