AlwaysConflicted Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 I'm curious what the womens perspective is, but all input is welcome. My girlfriend broke up with me a month ago. It wasn't hostile, truthfully I think it was due to a series of miss-communications. Regardless, we haven't spoken in 1 full month. For the sake of argument, let's say she still has some feelings for me. Would she appreciate an email explaining my actions and true feelings? I feel like it would clear up a lot of those miss-communications that may have caused the breakup in the 1st place. (Nothing negative in the email i.e. blaming her, accusing her for stuff etc., it would contain only my actions, feelings and reasons) But what do you think?
D-Lish Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 I think it would be cathartic for you to write the letter, but 9 out of 10 times, sending it isn't the best way to go. Never send a letter when you have expectations of a certain response, you'll most likely be disappointed. You can never go wrong putting your thoughts to paper- in my experience, when I have sent letters, I've regretted it afterward.
Author AlwaysConflicted Posted June 20, 2010 Author Posted June 20, 2010 I wrote it all out and everything is in it. I talk about how great it was when we met (flattering comments), I talk about why I started acting differently (loss of job, health issue, IRS audit, apt. construction all at once) then I apologize for my behavior(and what I've done to change my behavior). Then I have a paragraph about what I've learned from it all and positive things that have happened from taking a month of NC. And finally I ask her if she'd like a cup of coffee. It's actually a pretty sweet letter, maybe a little lengthy at 3 pages total. I don't put any blame on her at all. It's more of a story/movie script of our relationship. But in my most recent thread I talk about this Birthday mess. I contacted her a day ago with ME: You were on my mind and I wanted to wish you a very happy birthday! Would be great to see you. HER: Thanks for thinking of me on my birthday So you'll notice that she totally ignored my "Would be great to see you" line. I'd cry if I didn't find some humor in that. At least I got a smiley face.
D-Lish Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 But in my most recent thread I talk about this Birthday mess. I contacted her a day ago with ME: You were on my mind and I wanted to wish you a very happy birthday! Would be great to see you. HER: Thanks for thinking of me on my birthday So you'll notice that she totally ignored my "Would be great to see you" line. I'd cry if I didn't find some humor in that. At least I got a smiley face. I didn't see your b-day thread, but I'll look. My advice? Hold on to the letter for a bit. Don't send it. If she isn't responding to your cup of coffee comment, it's not the right time for the letter.
Author AlwaysConflicted Posted June 20, 2010 Author Posted June 20, 2010 The birthday thread is really what I posted below. Yesterday was her birthday so I broke 1 month of NC with: ME: You were on my mind and I wanted to wish you a very happy birthday! Would be great to see you. Today she responded with: HER: Thanks for thinking of me on my birthday I was just curious what my next move might be if I wanted to try to win her back. My letter is so well written and perfectly illustrates everything that happened in my mind. If she's over the relationship entirely she'll read it and probably just say "okay, that's nice". But maybe, just maybe it'll be like an AHA moment and she'll understand. I wouldn't expect her to take me back right now or 2 weeks from now, but maybe it would give us a shot for the future. Or it could just annoy her, but she's a sweet girl and it wasn't a hostile breakup. She asked me for a few weeks of time to think about it all so I went NC until her birthday. So basically I gave her what she wanted + 1 extra week of NC = 4 weeks. I don't know where her head is at and it's impossible for anyone, but her to know. I'm a guy so I literally have no idea how a woman interprets this kind of stuff.
D-Lish Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 The birthday thread is really what I posted below. Yesterday was her birthday so I broke 1 month of NC with: ME: You were on my mind and I wanted to wish you a very happy birthday! Would be great to see you. Today she responded with: HER: Thanks for thinking of me on my birthday I was just curious what my next move might be if I wanted to try to win her back. My letter is so well written and perfectly illustrates everything that happened in my mind. If she's over the relationship entirely she'll read it and probably just say "okay, that's nice". But maybe, just maybe it'll be like an AHA moment and she'll understand. I wouldn't expect her to take me back right now or 2 weeks from now, but maybe it would give us a shot for the future. Or it could just annoy her, but she's a sweet girl and it wasn't a hostile breakup. She asked me for a few weeks of time to think about it all so I went NC until her birthday. So basically I gave her what she wanted + 1 extra week of NC = 4 weeks. I don't know where her head is at and it's impossible for anyone, but her to know. I'm a guy so I literally have no idea how a woman interprets this kind of stuff. Would you feel comfortable posting your letter? We could all give you some pointers. How would you feel if you posted the letter and didn't get a response, or didn't get the response you wanted? That is something to consider my friend. Sometimes, post break-up letters get sent, and then the sender experiences a set back.
Author AlwaysConflicted Posted June 20, 2010 Author Posted June 20, 2010 I don't feel quite comfortable posting my letter on LS (too many personal details in it) She'll respond to the letter. She's too sweet to ignore it. Truthfully, I don't know how I would react to an unfavorable response. If she says "Piss off I hate you". I'll be upset and try to move on. Will sending the letter set me back? I'm not sure, because I'm already pessimistic about her reconciling our relationship. I do know 1 thing for certain. If you don't try you can't succeed. She wanted space so I gave her space and then some. I respected her wish, so isn't kosher for me to get some respect in return?
D-Lish Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 I don't feel quite comfortable posting my letter on LS (too many personal details in it) She'll respond to the letter. She's too sweet to ignore it. Truthfully, I don't know how I would react to an unfavorable response. If she says "Piss off I hate you". I'll be upset and try to move on. Will sending the letter set me back? I'm not sure, because I'm already pessimistic about her reconciling our relationship. I do know 1 thing for certain. If you don't try you can't succeed. She wanted space so I gave her space and then some. I respected her wish, so isn't kosher for me to get some respect in return? You should send such a letter without expectations, otherwise you set yourself up for disappointment. If it's just a matter of the 2 of you not being able to communicate properly, doesn't it stand to reason that you'd be able to work it out if the feelings are strong enough? If you want to send the letter, do it for yourself, and don't expect anything in return. If she's a sweet girl, you are banking on her pity for a response, is that something you really want?
Author AlwaysConflicted Posted June 20, 2010 Author Posted June 20, 2010 I know, you're absolutley right. If I send the letter, I should do it for myself and expect nothing. I don't want her pity response. In fact, I'm not even sure I want her to respond to it all. I just want her to read it, take it all in, and think about it for a little while. And if what I said makes sense to her, then reach out to me. I've tried to sell myself in relationships prior to this and it always fails. If I own 1 great quality, it's that I can sell almost anything to anyone but I learned a long time ago that I am not a product. The purpose of this letter is to clear the air and explain my side of the story which I was never given a chance to do. However, before I send this all inspiring emotional letter...I was thinking about waiting a couple of days and just casually asking her out for a cup of coffee. If she ignores or declines my coffee request then I think I'll send the letter. I think she'd appreciate it, any girl would. It's not overly sappy and there's no begging. It's a window into my mind. Although I have a question for you. Is there a better chance at reconciliation if closure is left ambiguous? Because if I go after a YES or NO and the answer comes back as NO then to me it seals the door forever.
Star Gazer Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 I sent a letter, and did not get a response. I did see him the very next day, and we wound up talking about its substance. But I'm not sure if I would have ever received a response if we hadn't crossed paths that day...
USMCHokie Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 I sent a couple of those letters, but the only response I ever got was that she read it... The only regret I have about sending her the letters was that I'll never know what she thought about them...but I eventually realized that it didn't matter what she thought about them...
Author AlwaysConflicted Posted June 20, 2010 Author Posted June 20, 2010 I agree, I don't think I care if I ever know what she thinks of the letter. It's just me being able to finally tell my side of the story. It may help and it can't hurt. Sometimes people don't have all the facts and we don't view situations the same way. In my case here's a great example: A family day trip that we were supposed to go on. Her side of the story: She's angry that I bailed on the family day trip and I'm not dependable. My side of the story: 2 days before the trip she asked if we could cancel it so she could hang out with her friends instead of me. So in her side of the story I'm some a-hole that flaked on her. But on my side of the story, she's an a-hole because she'd rather spend time with her friends than me. It's just a silly miscommunication that neither of us told each other about. I think the letter can clear some things up, but I don't expect it to do much.
BubbleFreak Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 I say send the letter. It will make you feel better, whether she responds or not. If she responds favourably that is a bonus. If she responds unfavourably, then things are no longer ambiguous. I think it's easier to move on when you know you no longer have a chance at getting back together.
StarrySkyBlue Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 Yes, I'd say send the letter, but do it only because you want her to understand what happened and not because you expect anything back. Think of it as a "message in a bottle" that you throw into the sea. Also, I'd say include something along the line of "But if you feel like it's not the best idea to meet right now, I perfectly understand" so as not to pressure her into meeting you. I'm a girl. I value honest communication and I'd appreciate it if a guy tried to explain his side of the story in an adult-like manner. Good luck I hope it works out!
harmfulsweetz Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 I'm with D-Lish on this one. Personally, I'd sit on it for a few days and then rethink it. I think right now, it seems like a great idea, once it's sent, it may not seem like such a great idea. I think you are hoping and expecting that it could open the door for a reconciliation, but if she wanted to speak with you, I imagine she wouldn't have ignored the coffee comment in your email. I'm not saying don't send it, I suppose I'm saying sleep on it, then decide what to do. Sometimes, there's times when you need to clear the air, and there's times when you don't. I wrote my ex loads of letters, explaining this and that, and I didn't send one of them. You can find closure within yourself, and it won't come from anywhere else. I didn't really want to send them, I just wanted...to vent, to put my feelings into words, and see it all hashed out like that. It was very therepeutic. You have to prepare yourself that she may not respond, if she does, it may be out of pity, and it may not have the desired effect.
Sivok Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 I did this once. I was extremely heartbroken and sent an email to my ex about a month or two after explaining the stuff that went wrong, said i was still thinking about her, that she reminded me what it was like to love someone etc. When she did respond, all it did was give me a large degree of false hope - which made her lack of response with the less discreet follow up email i wrote her that much more painful. Save yourself the agony, don't bother.
Author AlwaysConflicted Posted June 21, 2010 Author Posted June 21, 2010 I finished the letter. It's my magnum opus. It reads like a romance novel. I think even you guys would tear up and you don't even know me. I'd like to call her before I send this email, but I'm scared of being rejected on the phone and not having any time to say what I wrote in my email. I don't expect this email to reconcile my relationship, but I'm just so torn up about being in limbo that I need an answer one way or another to move on. I need closure and peace and I can't find it without a YES or NO answer from her. She asked for a few weeks to think about everything so we went 1 full month of NC until I broke it the other day to wish her a happy birthday. Her response of "Thanks for thinking of me on my birthday " didn't help me. I feel helpless in limbo land. Is it wrong of me to ask for an answer?
123BeachFan Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 What I'm seeing here is that your relationship failed because she was maybe too giving, and you didn't give enough. And now you are hoping to win a second chance because she's too sweet to not respond, combined with your ability to sell anything to anybody. You are relying on the very things that resulted in a failed relationship, IMO. She's probably going to see right through that and assume that if she were to get back to you, it would quickly fall back to her giving more than receiving. If you truly want to show that you changed, you have to see and acknowledge where you let her down and you failed her. Consider acts of complete selfishness, and ways to make her feel special and valued. Of course that's hard to do without coming across as a stalker when the relationship is over and she's walked away. Maybe instead of a letter to assert your position, you can write her a letter that says something to the effect like, "I am sorry we didn't work out. But I want you to know that I really appreciated you for..." and list the wonderful things she did for you, and the qualities about her that make her special. Write it without intention of winning her back, but instead with the intention of her being able to walk away with good feelings instead of resentful ones. It might be a total departure from the dynamics of your relationship. But then again, that's the point :-)
Author AlwaysConflicted Posted June 21, 2010 Author Posted June 21, 2010 (edited) If you truly want to show that you changed, you have to see and acknowledge where you let her down and you failed her. Consider acts of complete selfishness, and ways to make her feel special and valued. Of course that's hard to do without coming across as a stalker when the relationship is over and she's walked away. That sounds like a great idea actually except I'd hate to list all these negative events where I could have done better. It's like a reminder, reassurance that she made the right decision. Here I'm trying to win her back but I'm listing the reasons why she brokeup with me. I guess it could work. Maybe instead of a letter to assert your position, you can write her a letter that says something to the effect like, "I am sorry we didn't work out. But I want you to know that I really appreciated you for..." and list the wonderful things she did for you, and the qualities about her that make her special. Write it without intention of winning her back, but instead with the intention of her being able to walk away with good feelings instead of resentful ones. This is actually sounds kind of brilliant. The only problem with it is that I probably can't apologize. Edited June 21, 2010 by AlwaysConflicted
123BeachFan Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 That sounds like a great idea actually except I'd hate to list all these negative events where I could have done better. It's like a reminder, reassurance that she made the right decision. Here I'm trying to win her back but I'm listing the reasons why she brokeup with me. I guess it could work. Well, it doesn't have to be an exhaustive list. I mean, you can think of things about her that really stand out in her mind and that you want to compliment her on. I had coffee with an ex recently (we hadn't seen each other for maybe 13 years). He did take the opportunity to tell me that he appreciated me for my loving and generous nature, and that he missed our witty banter when we broke up. I took it as a genuine compliment, and he moved up a notch in my memory for doing so. Two simple compliments but it left me with a positive feeling instead of a negative one.
Circular Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 After 30 days you still are very heavily emotionally invested in this. It's not enough time to step-back, gain perspective, really assess what needs to change, what didn't work, etc... And you are hoping as someone else stated to 'sell' her on another go around. I think it's too soon, she DUMPED you, yet your broke NC. And, now you are contemplating sending a lengthy letter and want to call her first and explain why you're sending it, etc.. etc.. What you really need to do is wait, with ZERO contact for 60-90 days. If you feel you screwed up then really work on yourself and change the things about yourself that you believe are your faults. What are those things? How are you going to change them? Write them down, whats the action plan? What do you need to be aware of in your personality? How do you stop yourself from repeating that pattern? I believe 2nd chances can work, but I believe they take time and introspection. Everything is still very fresh in her mind why she broke up with you - I'd take a very less serious and causal approach to slowly reconnect based on how things were when you first met.. what were the things you did early on that attracted you both to each other. What typically happens with letters, especially so early after a break-up is that they are met with defenses-up. She's going to read through the lines like an eagle. And if she holds any resentment or animosity towards you its going to be amplified through your words no matter how sincere they are. Sit on the letter and NC for another 30-45 days, then decide what you want to do. I'd go less serious though.
Author AlwaysConflicted Posted June 21, 2010 Author Posted June 21, 2010 Circular: You make a lot of sense. It's hard for me to see your perspective because I'm so emotionally involved in this situation. My concern is that she has made her decision without fully knowing how I felt about past events. And since she dumped me over the phone, I never had a chance to look into her eyes and vice versa. My other concern is that given enough time, she will move on and will find a new boyfriend or husband. We dated for 5 months. If we had dated for 5 years, I'd be less worried about her moving on so quickly since their would have been a lot of history. From an outsiders perspective, I can imagine most people would just say, "It's 5 months, if we weren't still in the honeymoon phase, then maybe it wasn't meant to be". Even she said that to me. But I think the beginning of relationships can be tough sometimes because that's when all the negotiating takes place. Especially when your 30 years old and above. She was talking about marriage and kids on the 1st date. I know things happen for a reason, but this breakup was unnecessary. I just wish she'd give me the time of day to explain. Which is a perfect segue into your comment And if she holds any resentment or animosity towards you its going to be amplified through your words no matter how sincere they are. You're probably right. Even though I'm being incredibly kind and sharing my feelings in the email she won't care. It'll probably piss her off even though we didn't end on a hostile note. It's a bad situation because I shouldn't do anything at this point. I just don't want to be in that 1 percentile where I lost the 2nd chance because of my lack of action. She always said, "Actions speak louder than words". So do I listen to the girl or do I listen to all those who have come before me?
Circular Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 I can only give advice based on my own experiences. You have to decide for yourself if you'll take the advice or listen to what is going on in your head. I believe no matter what I type here you're going to finish your letter and going to send it. Your falling into one of the oldest catch-22 situations there is and your justifying it by following the adage "You miss 100% of the shots you dont take". Thing is, I'm not telling you not to take the shot, I'm advising you on how to take the shot and that seems to be what you're overlooking. Any good basketball player still needs coaching. The other thing I'm noticing is that you're taking on the weight of the relationship like everything that went wrong was all you. She broke up with you so you feel you are broken and can change and adapt to fit her needs, why? That's why I think you need to step back and wait longer, because you're not being objective. Both people play a role in if it works or not. Now here's the tough pill to swallow because your ego is hurt right now, I feel bad for you and I know the pain that comes with break-ups. But, you also make the pose that she might 'move on' to the next bf or even find a husband. But, if that's the case doesn't that just say she didn't see the value in you? the value that you are unique and bring something special to a relationship? Your best approach is to keep it cool and casual, stay away from relationship discussion and act like it was back to day #1... wait 30 days, see if she wants to meet for coffee, be specific when where, etc... Once you see each other your going to be on much much better ground to see if it's the right relationship or not, but don't bring it up during the coffee, just let it ride - end it with 'maybe we should do this again sometime' then wait a few weeks..... to me break-up == BACK TO SQUARE 1
Author AlwaysConflicted Posted June 22, 2010 Author Posted June 22, 2010 Hah, you have me pegged wrong. I haven't officially decided on whether to send the letter or not. I've taken a pool from the people on this website and I don't think anything good has come from a long winded "I love you letter". It seems to work in the movies and maybe it even worked back in the 40's. I only broke NC because she's the type of person that would get annoyed if I ignored her birthday. You're right, I do shoulder a lot of the blame. There's a reason for that. I bailed on a day trip her parents invited me to and that was the final straw. If I would have went, which I knew was the right thing to do, this wouldn't have happened. At least not yet. Trust me, she's no angel. Sure, she's as pretty as one, but she was very selfish and spoiled. In fact, we thought I had an illness at one point and she backed away from me instead of wrapping her arms around me. It's that moment that keeps me strong. Do I want to be with a girl who won't support me if I get sick? It happened to a friend of mine. Her boyfriend dumped her when the doctors told her she had breast cancer. This stuff happens all the time and it's horrible. I just keep telling myself that my ex reacted poorly and if we got married it would be different. Regardless, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I see value in myself. I'm a logical guy and I try to fix everything. It's driving me insane that I can't fix this. Maybe she isn't the one, but I'm the one who "caused" the breakup. Here's the stupid thing that I was trying to tell you earlier. I only bailed on the day trip, because 2 days earlier she tried to cancel the trip so she could hang out with her friends. So when it came time to actually go on this trip I was unenthusiastic because I felt like she wanted to hang out with friends more than me (her boyfriend). A total miss-communication that she doesn't even know about. She thinks I just bailed because I'm not dependable. That stupid miss-communication caused my breakup. It's events like that, that compel me to send an email. She doesn't have the full story. I tell you, I'm going absolutely mad.
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