The value of posting to LS for years after your personal situation in afafir is over?

[Fallen Angel]

Okay, so the title area did not allow a long enough title to fully convey what I want to ask.

 

What I mean is, if you have been out of your affair for say 15 years or more and are now "happily married" to someone else and fully healed from the "past hurts", what value is it to you to continue posting to LS?

 

If your spouses affair is long over, and you have long been reconciled and your marriage is a-okay and on track, what value is it to you to continue posting to LS?

 

I ask because the cookie-cutter responses that have been spoken of so much recently (ie, the copy and paste thread ) seem to so often come from people who claim they feel no "past hurt" anymore, and are offended when told they appear to have a personal agenda. What else could make someone stay here for year after year when their lives are so full of sunshine and roses, if it is not a personal crusade to end all EMRs due to their own past hurts and subsequent continued pain, then why the dogged almost pitbullish attitude and demeanor?

 

I hope this comes across as I intend, as a serious question i have in trying to understand where everyone is coming from, and not intended to insult or demean anyone.

[Ellin]

Wow, FA, you just took these words out of my mouth as I have been wondering about the same thing for a long time but thought it's a question that could put me into trouble from Tony.

 

Yeah. It astounds me, these posters spending so much of their time on this forum day after day, years after their A issues were apparently resolved, posting and posting, trying to talk other people out of their As......

:confused:

 

With all due respect.....

[Fallen Angel]

Wow, FA, you just took these words out of my mouth as I have been wondering about the same thing for a long time but thought it's a question that could put me into trouble from Tony.

 

Yeah. It astounds me, these posters spending so much of their time on this forum day after day, years after their A issues were apparently resolved, posting and posting, trying to talk other people out of their As......

:confused:

 

I am not trying to condemn anyone and anyone who feels the need to post to LS is more than welcome to add their two cents, I am just curious as to the payoff for posting all those years removed from the situation.

 

I wonder sometimes if having so many people thanking them for their input and "valuable wise words" is not some sort of ego feed, much like the ego stroking that goes on in an affair situation. it is almost as though they have traded an affair with a single partner in for an affair with the LS message board.

[jthorne]

I hope this comes across as I intend, as a serious question i have in trying to understand where everyone is coming from, and not intended to insult or demean anyone.

Oh, I doubt that. Why don't you ask OWoman why she continues to post here with her cookie-cutter responses about how great her life as an OW was, and how her life is sunshine and roses now that she's married her MM?

 

Now, to answer your question in general: I have been a member of another unrelated forum concerning a prior profession. I haven't been in that profession in years. Yet, I've met many people there that I enjoy, and I also hope I can help others with what I learned while I was in that profession. Some people would call that paying it forward.

[anne1707]

It's simple (if you try not to look through judgemental eyes )

 

LS helped me through some of my darkest days and I have stayed because I would like to try and help others in just the same way.

 

Plus not all of us stick to just the OW/OM or Infidelity forum

[jthorne]

I think this is an underhanded attempt to get a jab in at a specific person, just like Jennie started that "Reformed Other Women" thread right after a spat with me. I'm a little disappointed, FA. I thought you were above that.

[Fallen Angel]

Oh, I doubt that. Why don't you ask OWoman why she continues to post here with her cookie-cutter responses about how great her life as an OW was, and how her life is sunshine and roses now that she's married her MM?

 

Now, to answer your question in general: I have been a member of another unrelated forum concerning a prior profession. I haven't been in that profession in years. Yet, I've met many people there that I enjoy, and I also hope I can help others with what I learned while I was in that profession. Some people would call that paying it forward.

 

I will gladly take you up on that and extend the question to OW turned wife or full-time committed partner with their former AP.

 

What value is it to you to continue posting on LS all this time after the fact?

 

And please let me make it clear, I am asking what THE PERSONAL PAY-OFF is that you all get, not the "pay it forward" doing it for someone else thing... what is the personal reward you get? (because i do not for a minute think that if there was not some personal pay-off that people would still be posting 15 years post affair.)

[NoIDidn't]

Oh goodie!!

 

Another "why are you posting here if you don't fit within my personal narrow constraints of what makes a person qualified to post here?" thread.

 

Good luck with it!

[Fallen Angel]

I think this is an underhanded attempt to get a jab in at a specific person, just like Jennie started that "Reformed Other Women" thread right after a spat with me. I'm a little disappointed, FA. I thought you were above that.

 

I am sorry that you feel that my intentions here are more than what i have clearly stated them to be.

 

I am honestly trying to understand the psychological pay-off, so that I can better understand the people and where they are coming from.

 

Did the question enter my mind because of the personal issue to which you are referring? possibly, in fact probably, but that does not change the fact that i really am just trying to understand the though processes as stated.

[Ellin]

I am not trying to condemn anyone and anyone who feels the need to post to LS is more than welcome to add their two cents, I am just curious as to the payoff for posting all those years removed from the situation.

 

I wonder sometimes if having so many people thanking them for their input and "valuable wise words" is not some sort of ego feed, much like the ego stroking that goes on in an affair situation. it is almost as though they have traded an affair with a single partner in for an affair with the LS message board.

 

I am not trying to condemn anyone either. I'm just puzzled. I think that if I had some painful episode in my life, which I later got over and everything started going the way I wanted, I wouldn't keep holding on to that episode for so long. I mean, I could join such discussions every now and then but for hours, day after day? Unless I made it my life mission to help other people in similar circumstances? But if that was the case I'd try to make sure that my own healing was complete and I'd make a living out of it or something... so that I'd still have loads of time left to enjoy my finally found happiness.

[Fallen Angel]

It's simple (if you try not to look through judgemental eyes )

 

LS helped me through some of my darkest days and I have stayed because I would like to try and help others in just the same way.

 

Plus not all of us stick to just the OW/OM or Infidelity forum

 

So the pay-off for you then is a feeling of personal accomplishment if you can help someone else in pain. I can understand that.

 

Also, I think the fact that you do not stay strictly in the infidelity and OW/OM forums speaks to the fact that you are healed and that your intentions in posting are exactly as you claim. I question though the same reasoning for someone whose only interactions on LS are limited to those two specific forums and yet claim that they have fully healed from the fallout of the affair that affected their lives, be they former OW now out of the affair, former OW now in committed relationships with their former AP, or former BS now reconciled or divorced years after the outcomes of those have been well established.

[Fallen Angel]

Oh goodie!!

 

Another "why are you posting here if you don't fit within my personal narrow constraints of what makes a person qualified to post here?" thread.

 

Good luck with it!

 

You twist my words, I make no claim to wanting to limit the type of person who can or should post here, I am trying to better understand the people who post here. I am sorry you can not see the difference.

 

It is by better understanding where someone is speaking from, what their motivations are, that I can better understand and empathize with them.

 

that is the way i work, I am sorry if the way I think and question and strive to learn is not to your liking.

[Ellin]

I think this is an underhanded attempt to get a jab in at a specific person, just like Jennie started that "Reformed Other Women" thread right after a spat with me. I'm a little disappointed, FA. I thought you were above that.

 

It might look that way, but speaking for myself, I have more than 1 person in mind and these posters in the past replied to me when I was in great emotional pain in a way that wasn't helpful at all and my impression was that they weren't able to look at my situation from a neutral point of view.

 

So question can be asked, right? not necessarily being malicious.

[Fallen Angel]

I am not trying to condemn anyone either. I'm just puzzled. I think that if I had some painful episode in my life, which I later got over and everything started going the way I wanted, I wouldn't keep holding on to that episode for so long. I mean, I could join such discussions every now and then but for hours, day after day? Unless I made it my life mission to help other people in similar circumstances? But if that was the case I'd try to make sure that my own healing was complete and I'd make a living out of it or something... so that I'd still have loads of time left to enjoy my finally found happiness.

 

I feel much the same way.

 

I lost a child many years ago, and for a long time I reached out to a group of people who had suffered the same loss. After a time though, the pain of reliving those emotions over and over got to be all consuming and I had to walk away. My support group became a hinderance to my healing in that it kept the pain so fresh for me.

 

That is why i am trying to understand, because i don't...and I want to.

[BB07]

The affair I was in, was several years ago and back then I didn't know this place existed.......(if it did ).

 

Even though I'm with my stbdmm, I find reading some of the stuff here helpful as it helps me understand where I was then and even now it helps me clarify some of the issues that are still ongoing with someone who is not yet divorced and with who I had an affair with. (I tend to beat myself up about it at times.)

 

I offer up a little advice now and then, but I don't prescribe to the theory that every MM is a piece of ****e, nor do I think that every OW is a clueless idiot who is being played. Some stories do fit the handbook, but certainly not all of them do. I remember very well how much pain I was in at that time in my life and I don't like to see someone else suffer as I did.

 

Like others who post in this section, I also post in others although not as much.

 

It's took me a few months to get somewhat comfortable around here and sorta find my place and there were some that ruffled my feathers at first but I learned to respect their opinion, even if I don't agree with it. There are those that just pop in with ugly comments such as "well you spread your legs, you got what you deserve" and I despise stuff like that. Posters such as that offer no help at all, they are just trying to inflame and patronize. Why beat up someone who is already beaten down? I don't get that part of it.

 

Intent.....is what is most important IMO and if the intent is to genuinely help someone, then that is a good thing. I think most of the regular posters here do have good intent.

 

Just my 2 cents........

[Silly_Girl]

I lost a child many years ago, and for a long time I reached out to a group of people who had suffered the same loss. After a time though, the pain of reliving those emotions over and over got to be all consuming and I had to walk away. My support group became a hinderance to my healing in that it kept the pain so fresh for me.

 

I'm extremely new but have spent, over the years, a lot of time on a support forum for parents who have suffered an specific injustice. Lots of parents who no longer suffered would 'hang around' and help out. Practical, legal and emotional advice. Some of them are literally Gods in my eyes. They either had not got their 'happy ending' and wanted to give another the opportunity to achieve what they had not, or they had fought hard to resolve their problems and had invaluable words of wisdom. It was a different sort of forum in that everyone ultimately had the same aim (not like here) but the old-timers had - literally - the ability to help newbies transform their lives for the better.

 

I would never see those people as 'lacking' in any way for continuing to post, or see it as odd in any way.

[jennie-jennie]

I think this is an underhanded attempt to get a jab in at a specific person, just like Jennie started that "Reformed Other Women" thread right after a spat with me. I'm a little disappointed, FA. I thought you were above that.

 

Yes, jthorne, I did start that thread just after a spat with you, but it was because I genuinely wondered how people like you think. It was an honest and forthright question.

[Ellin]

I feel much the same way.

 

I lost a child many years ago, and for a long time I reached out to a group of people who had suffered the same loss. After a time though, the pain of reliving those emotions over and over got to be all consuming and I had to walk away. My support group became a hinderance to my healing in that it kept the pain so fresh for me.

 

That is why i am trying to understand, because i don't...and I want to.

 

I was M to an abusive man who clearly has a narcissistic personality disorder and I sought help at some point from the relevant internet communities. It helped me a great deal and I got loads of valuable information that I couldn't come up with on my own. It helped me heal and finally get out of the M for good. Then I went from strength to strength and I put it behind me. I don't give this subject much thought any more. I've moved on from that and now my life is about something completely different.

 

I didn't, however, even at that time "abide" by all the cake-cutter advice that I found on that forum, neither, as I always find my own way through, I just pick out what I need from what's available and it gives me ideas, strength and inspiration. There were posters there, too, who just kept telling the same story on the same forum for years and years and I was wondering how they can ever move on, if their give so much focus to the same problem.

 

I've been through so much and it has given me great understanding of human emotions and life difficulties. I am training to be a practising therapist, althought it will take a while before it will be a viable option for me. But I wouldn't "tell" people what they should do as the answers to anyone's problem are only within that person.

[NoIDidn't]

But FA and Ellin, is it really for you to be concerned about why others post here?

 

Its so easy to insult old posters with the "ego feed" stuff. What if they say you are so lonely in your affair that you spend hours and hours posting here back to you? Would that be a nice thing for them to say? And yes, I know that neither of you actually do that, but you are looking at a small portion of someone's day or week and implying that they don't have anything better to do, or that they are getting such an ego stroke from participating here.

 

Who cares if they do or don't? Why should either of you be so concerned about why people hang around after they've resolved the issue that brought them here? Its really none of your concern, nor should it be.

 

One day those same posters may share something that really and truly helps you, and you'll be glad they hung around.

 

This just seems only to be aimed at the posters that say things that you two disagree with. OWoman has married her MM, and still frequently posts as an OW. She says she does so for "political purposes". Would you dare ask her if she got an "ego stroke" out of posting here? Or her "OW stance" is more acceptable? There are many former OWs posting here that I am more than sure that "acceptable" wouldn't be said about their posts.

 

Just sayin'...

[Fallen Angel]

The affair I was in, was several years ago and back then I didn't know this place existed.......(if it did ).

 

Even though I'm with my stbdmm, I find reading some of the stuff here helpful as it helps me understand where I was then and even now it helps me clarify some of the issues that are still ongoing with someone who is not yet divorced and with who I had an affair with. (I tend to beat myself up about it at times.)

 

I offer up a little advice now and then, but I don't prescribe to the theory that every MM is a piece of ****e, nor do I think that every OW is a clueless idiot who is being played. Some stories do fit the handbook, but certainly not all of them do. I remember very well how much pain I was in at that time in my life and I don't like to see someone else suffer as I did.

 

Like others who post in this section, I also post in others although not as much.

 

It's took me a few months to get somewhat comfortable around here and sorta find my place and there were some that ruffled my feathers at first but I learned to respect their opinion, even if I don't agree with it. There are those that just pop in with ugly comments such as "well you spread your legs, you got what you deserve" and I despise stuff like that. Posters such as that offer no help at all, they are just trying to inflame and patronize. Why beat up someone who is already beaten down? I don't get that part of it.

 

Intent.....is what is most important IMO and if the intent is to genuinely help someone, then that is a good thing. I think most of the regular posters here do have good intent.

 

Just my 2 cents........

 

You are still very much in the middle of your affair situation, even for a few years after he becomes a SG or perhaps a newly married again guy(?) you will still be dealing with some of the fall-out of your affair. I get that LS can be very helpful to you in that you have people here you can confide in and get advice and sometimes tough love from.

 

And I too believe that most of the regular posters post with good intentions.

 

I am still curious though as to the value to them PERSONALLY. What do they get out of it... I am not in a place where I am years out of my affair realtionship, so i can not know without asking, so I ask...

[Fallen Angel]

I'm extremely new but have spent, over the years, a lot of time on a support forum for parents who have suffered an specific injustice. Lots of parents who no longer suffered would 'hang around' and help out. Practical, legal and emotional advice. Some of them are literally Gods in my eyes. They either had not got their 'happy ending' and wanted to give another the opportunity to achieve what they had not, or they had fought hard to resolve their problems and had invaluable words of wisdom. It was a different sort of forum in that everyone ultimately had the same aim (not like here) but the old-timers had - literally - the ability to help newbies transform their lives for the better.

 

I would never see those people as 'lacking' in any way for continuing to post, or see it as odd in any way.

 

I do not intend to imply that someone is "lacking" per se, except that maybe some may be lacking full closure and healing while claiming to be fully healed. It does make me feel somewhat sad in that I imagine those people who still need help in healing will not admit that they need the help and may carry pain even further into their lives unnecessarily. Thereby denying themselves and their loved ones a live fully lived and loved.

[Ellin]

I'm extremely new but have spent, over the years, a lot of time on a support forum for parents who have suffered an specific injustice. Lots of parents who no longer suffered would 'hang around' and help out. Practical, legal and emotional advice. Some of them are literally Gods in my eyes. They either had not got their 'happy ending' and wanted to give another the opportunity to achieve what they had not, or they had fought hard to resolve their problems and had invaluable words of wisdom. It was a different sort of forum in that everyone ultimately had the same aim (not like here) but the old-timers had - literally - the ability to help newbies transform their lives for the better.

 

I would never see those people as 'lacking' in any way for continuing to post, or see it as odd in any way.

 

It's perfectly understandable why people keep hanging around forums, where they have made friends etc., even when they don't have the same problems any more, and also that they want to help others after they sorted out their own difficulties.

 

However, there are different kinds of help and support, for example it could be giving advice on practical issues, like how to deal with certain problems in terms of legal or financial solution etc. This wouldn't be the same as this forum, which is only about emotional support and about quite complex life situations.

 

Finally, one can't help wondering why someone would keep posting on a forum that is meant to provide support for OW/OM and present OW/OM's perspective, and yet limit their "support" to advising everyone against being in an A, even when someone is fairly happy in their A and things seem to go well, and do it in not always a very pleasant way.

[Ellin]

 

This just seems only to be aimed at the posters that say things that you two disagree with. OWoman has married her MM, and still frequently posts as an OW. She says she does so for "political purposes". Would you dare ask her if she got an "ego stroke" out of posting here? Or her "OW stance" is more acceptable? There are many former OWs posting here that I am more than sure that "acceptable" wouldn't be said about their posts.

 

Just sayin'...

 

Perhaps it's because OWoman never wrote anything that I felt was a transgression or disrespectful?

[Fallen Angel]

But FA and Ellin, is it really for you to be concerned about why others post here?

 

Its so easy to insult old posters with the "ego feed" stuff. What if they say you are so lonely in your affair that you spend hours and hours posting here back to you? Would that be a nice thing for them to say? And yes, I know that neither of you actually do that, but you are looking at a small portion of someone's day or week and implying that they don't have anything better to do, or that they are getting such an ego stroke from participating here.

 

Who cares if they do or don't? Why should either of you be so concerned about why people hang around after they've resolved the issue that brought them here? Its really none of your concern, nor should it be.

 

One day those same posters may share something that really and truly helps you, and you'll be glad they hung around.

 

This just seems only to be aimed at the posters that say things that you two disagree with. OWoman has married her MM, and still frequently posts as an OW. She says she does so for "political purposes". Would you dare ask her if she got an "ego stroke" out of posting here? Or her "OW stance" is more acceptable? There are many former OWs posting here that I am more than sure that "acceptable" wouldn't be said about their posts.

 

Just sayin'...

 

I did open up the question to include fOW turned wife or longterm SO in a commited relationship .. while i didn't call anyone out by name it surely includes people such as OWoman and GEL, both who fit the description of the type of poster which you seem to think I am not including.

 

Again, I am simply trying to understand the reasons people post so as to better be able to understand them and where the advice they give comes from. Better understanding of the make-up of a persons character makes for greater ability to communicate, does it not?

[jennie-jennie]

I'm extremely new but have spent, over the years, a lot of time on a support forum for parents who have suffered an specific injustice. Lots of parents who no longer suffered would 'hang around' and help out. Practical, legal and emotional advice. Some of them are literally Gods in my eyes. They either had not got their 'happy ending' and wanted to give another the opportunity to achieve what they had not, or they had fought hard to resolve their problems and had invaluable words of wisdom. It was a different sort of forum in that everyone ultimately had the same aim (not like here) but the old-timers had - literally - the ability to help newbies transform their lives for the better.

 

I would never see those people as 'lacking' in any way for continuing to post, or see it as odd in any way.

 

Having been involved in several self help organizations both online and IRL I know the importance of the old-timers handing over to the newbies. It is not good at all when the old-timers literally become Gods. They need to leave space for the newbies to grow.

 

My personal experience is that while I am struggling with an issue I stay around and for some time afterwards. But there are always new issues in life which catch my interest and make me lose interest in what was earlier so important to me.