The long and twisted journey has left me lost.

[aloof1]

Hello Everyone, long time lurker, first time poster here.

 

Let me start out by saying, dating someone with a history of childhood sexual abuse was very rough on me. But sometimes you can't help who you fall in love with. The past year for me has been one of the most difficult times in my life to say the least.

 

I met this girl, we went to church together, she used to check me out across the room and smile, but we were both seeing other people. I knew who she was, as I was "friends" with her ex fiancee for a couple years prior to knowing her. Well fast forward 6 months or so, we are both single. I was on okcupid (a dating site) and she was a recommended match. I found it so hilarious since I knew her I contacted her. Things progressed and before you know it we were dating. She loved music and so did I, so I wrote a little guitar song to ask her to be my girl, she loved it, said yes.

 

We were inseperable, always together, I spent a lot financially in the relationship, and in turn she helped out too with my business (advanced about 12k a month to me towards inventory, which was always promptly paid off). Well after a while the signs of childhood trauma started coming out, she was very verbally abusive if I made even the slightest mistake (namely not wanting to spend every second of the day with her and needing some personal time). It all came to an end when I decided to loan her ex-fiance, my friend, a car which we had bought in common to flip. She yelled at me, tore me a new a-hole on how I should have took her feelings into consideration and how helping someone who hurt her soooo much in the past was too much. I appologized, i tried everything to make it right, but it was too much for her, and a week later she walked out.

 

She cried, said she still wants to be a part of my life, but I found out a week later that as soon as she broke up, she started sleeping with her workmate. It hurt soooo much to know that she just jumped like that immediately, like i meant nothing really. I told her I knew, she came over to the house crying hysterically, but flat out told me she wouldn't stop, and didn't care because she needed to get over me, and now a week later she's saying she is in love with him. bla bla bla. So I went NC immediately.

 

A month later she sends me a long email, on how she is so sorry for everything, and that she felt like a slut, and how she treated me so bad, and it kills her inside knowing that I'm not a part of her life, and she wants to see me. I agreed to her request to meet, appologized, said I was right he was just using her for sex, wants to slowly get to know me. (oh at this point I still owed about 6k to her).

 

She would talk to me, text and call me, but rarely see me, always have an excuse not to see me, but we did see each other maybe like once a month, most times she would sleep with me. She would always say stuff like how she still loves me, and how she just needs time to not be bitter anymore. She wanted me to make some changes (like quit smoking, get my own apartment roommate free, etc, which i did). A lot of bad stuff happened to her, like her car broken into, her friend needing a car, lot's of stuff which I was always there to help her out with.

 

Well flash forward to January, she starts casually seeing this guy who is 30, she is 22, who i guess they connected once before years ago and almost dated. She is seeing him a lot, talking to him a lot, all along the way stringing me along, telling me that we will eventually be together, and telling me how she cares about me, and eventually wants a second chance to do things right. She's still texting and calling. Things get a little more serious between the two, she still contacts me but not as much, they breakup and I'm always the first one she calls and cries to. They went through fights and they stop talking, all she would do is tell me how he is selfish, he's a douchebag, hes a player, etc etc. She cried telling me how the past year I loved her so unconditionally and she treated me like ****, and how this was all bad timing, crying hysterically, and how she wants me to be happy after all she put me through, and regrets how she treated me.

 

Tried using that to my advantage to get her to spend time with me, why not, she admitted she is still emotionally attached to me, and that's why she calls and wants to see me. But every few weeks she goes back to him for more. She gave the guy an ultimatum, either make me your girlfriend or I'm walking, he said he wanted to try.. It didn't last the weekend, she once again comes calling me saying how she just hates him, and he's a jerk, bla bla bla.. I told her to come do stuff with me, she agreed, said she wanted to start getting to know me again. Well during that time she ignored him, deleted him from her facebook, and bam 4 days later they are officially boyfriend and girlfriend. Now all she does is talk about how she is the happiest girl alive and how she is glad she had patience with this douche.

 

I told her I couldn't take this anymore. This past year you've strung me along, kept telling me you want to eventually get back together, telling me you know we were meant to be, always tell me it kills you inside when I get mad at you and stop talking to you. You keep leading me on, then tell me it's hard for you to give second chances to men, yet this "douchebag" you keep going back to and leave me on the sidelines. I told her I know I have 3k left to pay off to you, but I spent about 10k on your during the relationship. And while this is not about the money, until you decide im worth giving a second chance, don't bother contacting me anymore.

 

She texted me telling me she didn't want to ditch my number (obviously still wanting to keep me as backup). I just didn't respond. She sent me a text a few days later saying she's so sorry. Didn't respond, next day she sent a huge letter saying she did so many F*d up things to me emotionally the past year and she is so sorry, she still loves me, she is still emotionally attached to me in ways but she just wanted to give this guy a "fair chance"... yea like she gave me?? NOT. And that if it doesnt work out she will "give you the second chance you truly deserve".

 

I just simply reiterated to her all the crap she put me through the past year, and how until she decides to be fair to me I'm out. I start NC again as of May 12.

 

A month rolls by, I miss my 3rd to last payment, she calls me crying in my voicemail. Saying she understands now how she treated me so piss poorly. At the same time not wanting anything other than money. Calls me a few days later left another voicemail crying saying she's not angry with me anymore, and not bitter anymore, and she hopes im not bitter with her. Hopes I'll do the right thing. So I fire off one last email essentially saying the same thing, you did so wrong to me, until you make it right, don't contact me again. Continue on with NC still.

 

And it ends there. So much heartache and pain over the past year. I feel so led on, I don't even know what to believe anymore, She jumps around in her feelings and emotions I don't even know whats real anymore. All I know is, it's been a month now since they started officially dating. And I'm really breaking down. This whole situation was so jacked up and unfair.

 

I've cut her off, went NC. I left that email with so many valid points which she came to acknowledge. All I wanted was to do things right. But in the end, she was hoping I wasn't bitter... But I am, I'm so extremely EXTREMELY bitter. Despite it all though, I guess I still just want one shot to make things right... Sorry for the long post. It's been a really rough year. And I've left a lot out, hard to condence a year into a short post, lot's more instances of her contacting me, flirting, telling me she misses me and stuff, stuff that made me believe she still wanted another chance eventually. Which at this point don't seem like they were ever genuine, just words without action.

 

Where do I go from here? Comfort, advice, analysis, anything would really really be appreciated right about now.

Edited June 19, 2010 by aloof1

[ResetReality]

well my friend, whatever you're going through can not be easy at all, I can't even imagine how you must be feeling, this girl seems like she needs some counseling or something, Im in total disbelief you put up with it for so long!

 

Cut your losses and move on, whenever you think of her think of all the bad things, erase her from your life

 

Accept reality. Experience the pain. Learn the lesson

 

shes is no good for you, it seems like you're just a safety net, and through out the year shes gotten the impression that you will stand for it

 

Continue NO CONTACT get rid of emails, numbers, and remove all ties from social networking site

 

you need to get away from this nightmare and get back onto your feet, this however is not possible if she keeps interrupting the healing process

[LoveTruthChaos]

Yes, NC is essential. Don't even reply to emails from her sayign that you want her to leave you alone. Just stay quiet. If you do, then it 'shows' you want no contact, instead of 'says' you want no contact. Because your wordshave let you down in the past, and words won't get through to her anymore.

 

Hmmm....dating a girl with a history of sexual abuse is difficult eh? Well I learned something new today...that must have been the reason I was dumped. Yeah, that made me feel so much f**cking better

[aloof1]

Yeah it's been really tough, everytime I did NC, a month later she would start texting or calling, ALWAYS asking if I hate her... some reason she can't stand being hated. Always tell me how she hates me not talking to her and how she doesn't like how I'm being so "formal" when I DO talk to her.

 

She'd weasel her way back into my life, I guess just to get things on good term with me. For what? Ensure I'm a backup?

 

I don't know, I know she knows I'm very angry and bitter now, I know it eats at her. Her voicemail a week ago she was crying saying how crappy she treated me, and how she did so many jacked up things emotionally, and how she doesn't want things to be like this despite choosing someone else over me.

 

I'm pretty confident if this relationship doesn't work she will come back, she's already said I deserve a second chance and she will give it to me.

 

BUT... I'm starting to think it's a bad idea. Why should I allow myself to be second to anyone. She's filled me up with so much hope, made me jump through hoops, led me on, built me up only to throw me down. I waited patiently when they were starting to date casually, and was there to listen, and when sh*t hit the fan 3-4x she kept talking more building me up more. But now that it's official BF/GF and all the crap. Why should I be treated as a second class. Even out of her own mouth she cried telling me how she f*d up and I loved her unconditionally through it all, but that was not enough to bring her back. So I don't know what I'll do IF/When she comes around again. She was so selfish, always told me everything was my fault, but finally for once she is realizing that she f*d up WAY more than any small mistake I ever made.

 

Maybe just say sorry, you made your choice, you lost a great guy over a crappy decision and you have to live with it, please stay away.

 

Uggh, I'm rambling..

[ResetReality]

nah mate, you're not rambling at all, get it all of your chest, makes me feel so much better

 

You should never be expected to be second, you have to look after number one and this is yourself, get this woman out your life! it WILL be hard and it WILL hurt alot, but now its time to find out what sort of person you are, a push over or respected?

 

time do decide matey

[aloof1]

Yeah it is rough, after a year of being essentially strung along, treated secondary and consistently reaffirmed i'll have a second shot when "she no longer harbors resentment" has left me a mess.

 

I'm slowly picking up, aside from the little email spat and her calling a week ago crying about the money and how she's sorry. I've gone 100% NC.

 

I know her very well. This new relationship of her's is not a rebound. The rebound was the guy she started screwing from her work the week she broke up with me.

 

She always wanted me to continue being a part of her life, but she was so up and down.

 

Her new relationship was extremely rocky back and forth. Finally gave him the ultimatum. And in my experience relationships that start out that rocky, and then lead to an ultimatum WONT WORK... I mean come on all i heard for 3 months was hes a douchebag, hes selfish, hes a player, blablabla... and now all of the sudden it's kittens and skittles?? Can't last..Am I mostly right?

 

Either way, I know I will be hearing from her again. She'll get worn down, get upset that it's the way it is now. But I don't know how I'm going to react to it :\ A lot of me really wants to try things different.

 

If not though, I've changed for the better because that's what she wanted of me. I went from smoking to quitting, went from scraping by financially to starting a business that banks 30k a month. Went from living in a sh*thole apartment with a roommate to living in my own home. All of this I did in the course of this year because she wanted me to do these things.

 

Sure my life is a lot better now in those aspects, all thanks to her too, but it doesn't even bring me an ounce of joy, because all those changes were meant so I could share my time with her.

Edited June 21, 2010 by aloof1