quankanne Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 It doesn't matter how sweet and supportive you were. It was a sick dynamic from the get-go. exactly! And because y'all weren't on the same playing field in your relationship – him being married, lying about the marriage and manipulating both you and his wife – it was faulty from the get-go. You gave everything to someone who really didn't want it, just wanted/needed some small part of you to fulfill whatever ego-driven needs he had. I totally get the part about missing someone you cared for, and being hurt that they didn't love you back the way you loved them, but HIT ... you're looking for something wholesome from a relationship that was warped because of he couldn't love to start with, you know? Do you really and truly want to be hung up over a guy who wasn't worthy of what you gave him?
pureinheart Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 JillyBean I dont think its fair to say hes moved on. He used me, yes I ENABLED it for 4 years. He told me daily I was his life, hed never leave or hurt me and wed be together forever. Went back and forth many times. Asked me to marry him while he was married. Then when she divorced him it didnt seem as appealing. He used me, kept me aroud for fun, and romance and when it stopped being fun becaues I nagged and expected him to make good on his promises he bailed. You say "Moved on Good for him!!" Not what a sick person for using a suicide threat to get the wifes attention. Not he should at least have had enough decency or respect to look me in the eye and say it was over or for all the love and time I gave at least an apology or explanation. To allow him to hurt people over and over and not be accountable. In bold, are these words his or yours...the nagging part? IMO noone owes us/me anything...and this is where I got caught up. Various promises made, words spoken etc.. People will fail us and I just could not wrap my brain around (and still can't to some degree) that life did not turn out the way "I" had envisioned it. I spend everyday letting go of "my plan". Right now all I have for the mostpart is me, that is the responsibility for the day because if I don't do that nothing will work. Instead of thinking of "him" and what he did or didn't do, think about about YOU and what YOU can do...post here a million times...do your nails, wash the car..loose yourself in everything possitive. If it is possible right now let go of how you feel jilted, things he didn't do...who knows, you might have been saved much misery. We don't know what life holds, I just know there is a reason for everything. Consider that you were in his life and did good and be happy with that..that you helped another human being on this earth... I wish the best for you:) ((((((((hugs)))))))))
Author HurtinginTexas Posted June 22, 2010 Author Posted June 22, 2010 He never had me as a friend on facebook. Never even wanted a pic of me or us on it. Id nag and nag about it and it was always an excuse or he get loud and say "Ill just get rid of the whole account". I only got on bc I had the password. I know its wrong and Ive stopped. I tried to get him to put me on it since he was divorced. i couldnt even get him to put his status as "in a relationship" He insisted he was single.
bananalaffytaffy Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 Please understand I mean absolutely no disrespect, but what are you doing on your own to get past this, other than coming here and venting and complaining? What steps are you taking to reclaim your life?
Author HurtinginTexas Posted June 22, 2010 Author Posted June 22, 2010 going to counseling. getting out of bed everyday. trying to go out with friends even though I really dont feel like it. driving to work hoping I dont see him driving around since we work on the same post..going to work even though I dont feel like it sometimes..I have not contacted him since he walked out and moved away from our apt..Thrown away all the cards he gave me...
pureinheart Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 He never had me as a friend on facebook. Never even wanted a pic of me or us on it. Id nag and nag about it and it was always an excuse or he get loud and say "Ill just get rid of the whole account". I only got on bc I had the password. I know its wrong and Ive stopped. I tried to get him to put me on it since he was divorced. i couldnt even get him to put his status as "in a relationship" He insisted he was single. Wow, that is really weird (bold)...actually, that IMO is not nagging, it should have been a given, I would have been concerned about that also as it does speak volumns... Ok...home boy has spoken...so take your life back starting today, don't waste another minute...actually by posting you have started...good deal, go for it, you CAN do it... Hey, I'm gonna loose 20lbs(well if I get on a roll it will be 30lbs) and 20 years...you go girl!!!!!
pureinheart Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 going to counseling. getting out of bed everyday. trying to go out with friends even though I really dont feel like it. driving to work hoping I dont see him driving around since we work on the same post..going to work even though I dont feel like it sometimes..I have not contacted him since he walked out and moved away from our apt..Thrown away all the cards he gave me... See...your doing excellent!!!!!!! Even though you don't "feel" like it...do it anyway!
bittersweet memories Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 Bottom line, the two of you had a very sick and co-dependent relationship. HE has finally seen it for what it was, and has ended it and moved on. The fact you are still craving the abuse and drama is really the issue. Not him moving on (and good for him!). You REALLY need to get yourself into intensive therapy, or else you will implode with this crap. Good Post!! I agree with the co-dependent. He's moved on..You need to do the same!!
lilagirl Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 I beg to differ. But we can agree to disagree. His attempt was to get the exW attention she wasnt inteersted but rather NC for one year. He is ONLY going to therapy to impress. He made it clear years ago he will lie to a therapist and tell em anything they want to hear. He needed to go to have a letetr to allow him back to work otherwise he wouldnt be able to come back. As far as a horrible couple I was honest, loyal giving and loving. I dont appreciate being told Im horrible for believing in someone and all there lies. You seem awfully confident that the once a cheater, liar and manipulator always one has someone redeemed himself. For you information to call me a horrible couple. I have been there by his side to uplift him, support him, be proud of him, try and help rebuild and repair him. To want to improve him and love him completely. I never got that in return. Only words Good girl! Stand up for yourself!... this is how you need to respond to yourself, when you are telling yourself you did something wrong. Yes, all relationships have two people in them.... honey... he is mentally ill, and you did all you could to try and love him and make him whole. You are a good person, with a great heart. You deserve a man who will appreciate that... and want to post your picture on FB, and be in a relationship with you for the world to see. You were not a nag, and you tried your best to love him through a tough time for him. that is all you can do. He has turned his back on the love you share, and love you once had... you don`t deserve to feel this way. I don`t want to offend you, but I think a book about reclaiming your life, and ending an unhealthy relationship may be of value. Here is one that I recommend: http://www.amazon.com/Obsessive-Love-When-Hurts-Much/dp/0553381423/ref=pd_cp_b_3 But there are allot like it... find one that works for you. Sounds like you are doing many things to get out from under the blanket in the corner, despite not feeling like you can yet. Good for you. Stay strong. and keep loving yourself.
Author HurtinginTexas Posted June 28, 2010 Author Posted June 28, 2010 Feeling a little better. Still have rough patches. I do miss him. I still want to write but I know I cannot. Not knowing if hell ignore me, or be ugly, or start up the BS again. Or worse I really dont trust him anymore. He may use my email and send it to the wife he trying to get back to to say "See shes still bothering me. Poor me. She wont leave me alone" I really dont want to bother anymore. I wanted him to chase after me more than anything and he wont. Its so hard to imagine how someone could up and leave after all the times we shared and I still dont get it. I feel I understand that he never wanted the divorce and it took all those months for the ego to cool off. I still feel badly and miss him. I know I was used and he never thought he would have to make good on his promises that you make to an OW and when it was his chance and she divorced him, I wasnt his interest anymore. Dont know Ill ever get over it Im so damaged.
Silly_Girl Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 You WILL, HiT. You will get over this. But it's going to take a long time and some serious focus. I can't imagine how confused you must feel, I bet your moods are all over the place. Are you getting any help to work through any of this? Counselling? Do you have anyone to talk to? How is life in general though? Any good stuff going on? Are you getting out and about? Getting fresh air and exercise? Looking after yourself? Don't mean to sound like your grandma but you need to look after your body and well as your mind, if you're to get back on track. Which you will.
BB07 Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 Feeling a little better. Still have rough patches. I do miss him. I still want to write but I know I cannot. Not knowing if hell ignore me, or be ugly, or start up the BS again. Or worse I really dont trust him anymore. He may use my email and send it to the wife he trying to get back to to say "See shes still bothering me. Poor me. She wont leave me alone" I really dont want to bother anymore. I wanted him to chase after me more than anything and he wont. Its so hard to imagine how someone could up and leave after all the times we shared and I still dont get it. I feel I understand that he never wanted the divorce and it took all those months for the ego to cool off. I still feel badly and miss him. I know I was used and he never thought he would have to make good on his promises that you make to an OW and when it was his chance and she divorced him, I wasnt his interest anymore. Dont know Ill ever get over it Im so damaged. HIT......we are all damaged in one way or another. The key is to recognize it and do what we can to NOT let it hurt us anymore. You let him steal pieces of you, now don't let him have anymore.....OK. He threw those pieces out like yesterdays trash, don't let him take anymore of you to the bin. You are worth more than this....yes you made mistakes, but we all do. Remember.....he is an asshat, he didn't deserve you then and he sure as hell won't deserve you when you are a whole woman. The sweetest revenge will be to get yourself back and live a healthy full life, you can do it! You just have to believe it.
Author HurtinginTexas Posted June 28, 2010 Author Posted June 28, 2010 Im in IC. He seems to want to talk about this guy all the time rather than my issues that allowed it to happen. Or my therapist will say Im so attractive and a nice lady and it shouldnt have happened to me. Maybe I need a different therapist. Im not doing to much. Just going to work. Not much energy. I think about it constantly. What I should have, could have done differently. I still think even if I was perfect in every way he would have gone back to the exW and ran from me. I cannot get it into my head it was a behavior pattern of up and leaving and dissapearing. I always said no it was different this time and he was divorced this time. People say it doesnt matter its a pattern of behavior and a divorce is a piece of papaer and means nothing. He works wheer I do and I feel I have to hide inside my office all day becaues I dont and cant see him. It hurts to bad
BB07 Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 Im in IC. He seems to want to talk about this guy all the time rather than my issues that allowed it to happen. Or my therapist will say Im so attractive and a nice lady and it shouldnt have happened to me. Maybe I need a different therapist. Im not doing to much. Just going to work. Not much energy. I think about it constantly. What I should have, could have done differently. I still think even if I was perfect in every way he would have gone back to the exW and ran from me. I cannot get it into my head it was a behavior pattern of up and leaving and dissapearing. I always said no it was different this time and he was divorced this time. People say it doesnt matter its a pattern of behavior and a divorce is a piece of papaer and means nothing. He works wheer I do and I feel I have to hide inside my office all day becaues I dont and cant see him. It hurts to bad Please find a different therapist.....PRONTO. Again......HIT, please stop thinking it's your fault and that you could have done something differently to keep him. He is sick, a user, a POS.....an ASSHAT!
Author HurtinginTexas Posted June 28, 2010 Author Posted June 28, 2010 I am missing him so. Is it bad to miss someone that used me, or was abusive? I hate to even ask but I do miss him. I miss what we had a long time ago. I miss having him in my life. Its hard to let go of a person in your life for so many years, especially 24/7 pretty much the past year. I didnt consider him abusive but from all the posters responding to my stories it appears that he was ill if not mentally defective, confused, guilty, or messed up somehow. manipulative, user, asshat and all that. It wasnt all bad there were many good things How do you all let go?
bentnotbroken Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 I am missing him so. Is it bad to miss someone that used me, or was abusive? I hate to even ask but I do miss him. I miss what we had a long time ago. I miss having him in my life. Its hard to let go of a person in your life for so many years, especially 24/7 pretty much the past year. I didnt consider him abusive but from all the posters responding to my stories it appears that he was ill if not mentally defective, confused, guilty, or messed up somehow. manipulative, user, asshat and all that. It wasnt all bad there were many good things How do you all let go? Look at the situation for WHAT it is...not what you WANTED, FANTAZIED, IMAGINED or ENVISIONED. It is a view you have to want to take.
califnan Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 Hurting, Continue to respect your job and position.. From what you have said, he may be discharged..
Author HurtinginTexas Posted June 30, 2010 Author Posted June 30, 2010 I know its wrong but I miss him. I know he used me. It hurts very badly that I wasnt aware of being used. How could I not know. Whats wrong with me LS? Why when I know he was never truly into "our" relationship cant I let go. I feel at peace sometimes. Other times Im angry and feel he should be paid back somehow for wasting and leading me on. Others I sit and cry. I do miss him. I know telling him anything after what he did would make me pathetic, and hed think I was a joke. It sucks having a one sided thing where he hurt and left me but I miss him. It wasnt all bad in our relationship, but he didnt care enough to not do this and had no respect for me or my feelings.
Pink_orchid Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 You will feel angry at him and you will want to tell him that, you're mad at him for leading you on and wasting your time, I know that's how you feel because that's how I feel, and I've been THAT close to sending an e-mail to him ranting and raving. But I haven't. It is better to keep your dignity I think in the long run. I have had a few texts and online messages off mine, but nothing much, just replies to mine. And I have had a couple of examples of him trying to get my attention online by things he's posted which I know are aimed at me (nice things/humerous things) and we seem to alternate between laughing and me having a snark at him to which he responds he's sorry. I've called him a few uncomplimentary names actually but he still responds to me so he obviously agrees with me! He's definitely warmed up a bit but really nothing is happening that's any use to me. So yes, it's all left me a little frustrated, with him coming up to the fence again but not jumping over it, and not instigating anything more (I don't want an affair, I wanted a proper relationship, he knows this). Anyhow I won't go over all my details again, it's all posted on my original thread anyway, but suffice to say, after all the chasing he did and everything nice he did, he dropped me when things got too hot to handle. And so I know how you must want to let rip at him, I know I do (to mine AND yours!!). But I am trying not to. Don't give them the satisfaction. Acting like you're cool, that you're ok, that you're doing fine, is the best revenge. And one day you will be. That's what's keeping me going.
Author HurtinginTexas Posted June 30, 2010 Author Posted June 30, 2010 Pink Orchid But it hurts so bad. I gave 2.5 years of my life to him in an A. He asked to marry me, meet the family the whole ball of wax. Yes I accepted scraps and crumbs. Yes he was with me and left me and went back and forth many times like a doormat I kept letting him do it and coming back with no apology or effort needed. I realize underneath he had little respect. His W divorces him. Hes so enraged and ugly about it. For about 6 months he making nasty comments about her and then it sinks in about month 8, IMO, that I guess I wasnt what he wanted and he wanted her back and thats why he left disappaered and all that. A menatl breakdown. Soem day its all the same behavior pattern and D or not hes done it before. Hell he ran out onn his W of 25 years for 3 months. I guess me meant nothing.Im assuming. I havent heard a word from him. i do miss him. But i know how pathetic Id look and feel if I were to tell him I miss him or love him after the dirty way he left me.
Author HurtinginTexas Posted June 30, 2010 Author Posted June 30, 2010 I guess I have asked so many foolsih questions all have given up on me. Believe it or not Im on every day at work checking and reading trying to keep strong with everybodys advice and strong words. I need to be told over and over the bad about him, the stupidity in me and that its not worth contacting him.
Fight4Me Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 I guess I have asked so many foolsih questions all have given up on me. I don't think people have given up on you. In fact, I had quite a lengthy post typed out to you yesterday and lost it after our power went out. Argh! LOL Believe it or not Im on every day at work checking and reading trying to keep strong with everybodys advice and strong words. I need to be told over and over the bad about him, the stupidity in me and that its not worth contacting him.I'm going to paraphrase the lengthy post I had yesterday, and hopefully you will forgive me for not telling you how stupid you are. In fact, I wanted to say that I had noticed quite an improvement from the last time you were posting regularly to now. It's probably not a difference you have noticed or is measurable to you, but I think you should be proud of yourself for maintaining NC. I hope you remember that others have noticed the good NC has done for you the next time you might be tempted to break it. You still have work to do on yourself, but keep going forward. Try to differentiate between the fact that you made stupid choices, and the error in believing yourself to be a stupid person. Sometimes it's hard for us to make the distinction, especially when we're at our lowest, but once you do, your past actions will no longer define you, and the more likely you will be to make wise choices. I wouldn't be so quick to fire your therapist just yet. At the very least, you should discuss with him his methods, and ask about his plan for addressing your personal issues that allowed you to make the choices you did. Since you have shown progress to some of us here, maybe he is a good therapist. Still, if your gut is telling you otherwise, then talk to him, and if you continue to have concerns, then find another one. I just would hate for you to stop therapy without having someone else lined up to pick up where the other one left off. Keep posting. Even if we don't respond right away, it doesn't mean we're not reading or don't care.
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